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How do I stop caring?


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I posted a couple days ago explaining the emotionally abusive situation I was in before and I got some really great feedback, I decided to end the relationship, but I am unfortunately very fragile to the person I am in love with. He knows exactly how to hurt me and uses it to his advantage. Today I spoke to him about ending the relationship and tried to get his point of view and most of what I got back were hateful comments. He said how I'm the reason for all his problem and how he feels that he's better off without me in his life and when I asked him what I did wrong he simply said "you lived" It truly hurts bad to have someone tell you all the things he said when you believed that they love you and now I cant seem to stop crying over it. Yes, I am upset about the relationship being over for the simple fact that he has a 5 year old that I am very much in love with and have been taking care of her from the beginning of the relationship. It hurts to know I will miss her birthday and her soccer games but I know its also better for her. Yet, I guess I've known the relationship was over for awhile but I also didn't expect the pain to continue after the break up. I can't get the hurtful things out of my head and it's making me doubt I am strong enough to start over, and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. How do I stop hurting and start over?

-hurt and confused

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It sounds like you were saddled with an emotionally abusive partner; I am so sorry for your misfortune. There are several things you can do (not all easy) to help yourself get past the pain of the separation:


1. If you're not already out of the situation physically, get out. Now.


2. If you think he's abusing the child, call Child Protection Services. Now.


3. Give yourself space, both physically and in your head. Consider a period of no contact at all (I know that will hurt for his daughter, but you need to take care of yourself). Take yourself out for a treat you enjoy all on your own, and be compassionate and patient with yourself when you find your thoughts straying toward the pain. It will take time. And if you haven't got out physically, do it. Now.


4. Find someone to confide in - family, a counselor, a good friend - someone you trust. Talk to them. Ask them for a gift of their time to help you pull yourself out of the bad situation you were in. Be careful of their energy; lean on them but don't demand too much, as you want them to be able to continue to be there. It's okay not to be able to stand on your own for a while, but remember that eventually you'll have to.


3. This is a big one: if you were abused, take the time to tell yourself that it's not your fault. Why? Because it isn't. Unless you were specifically and deliberately trying to taunt someone into abusing you (and some people do this; for your sake I hope you're not one of them) then it's not your faul. And don't let anyone - particularly him - convince you that you actually were driving them to do it to you; that's a classic abuser's lie, and is not to be tolerated or believed. It's not your fault. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and tell yourself that, along with, "I love you". (Not easy at first!)


You are strong enough to survive this and to re-establish a good relationship with yourself. This is a prerequisite for creating a good relationship with someone else. You have already shown your ability by getting out of a bad situation - hang onto that as a symbol of your strength, and don't be tempted to go back.


It will take time to heal the hurt, but it will heal. Just be good to yourself, find compassion in your heart for your pain and grief, be patient with the process, and remember always that you are worth the work you are doing to make yourself safe, happy, and at peace on your own.


I wish you all the best, and hope that you find the peace and contentment you need.


Light and laughter,


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He said how I'm the reason for all his problem and how he feels that he's better off without me in his life and when I asked him what I did wrong he simply said "you lived"


What a delightful individual!


I am sorry you feel in this pain, and no wonder. I am glad you are moving out of this toxic environment, and while it will be very hard, for a while, you must somehow concentrate on yourself. That also means no rebound relationships. I hope you can get some help and support where you are.



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Thanks for ur feedback, I guess I have relapsed because he started acting cool w me again but I haven't asked why? We broke up yesterday and we can't physically move out of our house for at least a few weeks. Neither one of us can affordthe switch at this time. So I had to stay in the house and again he began acting okay, not so much nice but not cruel either. This is the hardest part for me because I do not know what to do in this situation. I still feel in my hear that all those things he said r true and if I try to talk to him I know he will return to being aggravated and start the hurting again. I'm so utterly confused on what's next.

Thanks again

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From what you have said, Bea, he has repeatedly returned to abusive behavior. I realize you can't move out right now, but do your best to save up and/or find a way, because you don't deserve to be treated badly, and however calm it may seem now, it is very, very likely the abuse will happen again. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I know how hard it is to let go, but please, for your health and sanity and potential future happiness, do what's needed.


Take care of yourself, remember that it's not your fault, and may peace be with you.


Light and laughter,


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