I think a friend needs counselling, not sure what to do...

[Rethinking]

I have a friend who I personally think needs counselling, however he believes he does not. A bit of background: He is an international student and we have known each other since September 2009 as we live in the same university dormitory..

 

A number of situations have occurred which have led me to believe he needs to seek counselling for depression and that he has become extremely dependent of me as a friend and as his crutch.

 

The most recent example being that over the Easter vacation, I went back to my home town so we didn't see each other for a month. If I didn't speak to him for one day via instant messenger, I would come online to see at least 100 messages from him asking me where I am. He even told me that he knocked on the door of my room over Easter, knowing I was not there, just because it brought back “good memories” which helped him not feel so sad and lonely

 

He tells me how he frequently cries and is constantly paranoid that I am angry with him. Another example being that, for a reason I can't remember, he thought I was angry with him. He knocked on my door for several hours, but I was out shopping, which made him believe that I was even more angry at him for not opening my door. I then saw him sitting outside my door with tears running down his face and a drenched t-shirt from these tears.

 

He also has many hangups about his nationality and he believes that people treat him differently because of his nationality. For example, I've been urging him to join clubs and societies at our university to meet more people and widen his social circle beyond me. At one of these gatherings he was too “ashamed” to even tell the people he was meeting with what his nationality was and just claimed that he was from the “European Union”.

 

There are loads of examples similar to these, but these are the first few that stuck out to me. I personally think he needs counselling to work through these issues, but every time I bring it up he claims he's happy and that he doesn't need it. He makes me feel like I am responsible for all of his happiness and this is a responsibility I really don't want. I'm just not sure what I should do from this point onwards if he continues to reject the idea of seeking professional help.

 

Thanks for reading and I would appreciate any advice you could offer me, whether it's on how to get him to seek help or just advice I should relay to him.

[Sonicxman]

If you dont set any boundaries for this guy, your going to be resentful of him soon.

[agent1607307371]

I'm just not sure what I should do from this point onwards if he continues to reject the idea of seeking professional help.

 

I would begin taking steps to extricate him from my life. Harsh, but the role he is putting you in is also incredibly unfair.

 

He needs help, and he also needs to start building a life (not even a social life, just a life) that is not so bound up in your presence and approval.

 

Are you both in !st year uni? Because if so there's always the light that next year you'll move into housing and no longer be so close to him so much of the time.

[Rethinking]

If you dont set any boundaries for this guy, your going to be resentful of him soon.

 

I am already starting to feel that way. I try backing off but we live in the same dorm so it's pretty hard to do when he literally comes out of his room the moment he hears me go accross the hall to the toilet or kitchen. I told him before the Easter vacation that he needs to try and disconnect from me a bit, but he only got worse. And after reading through my post again (which are only a few examples of situations we've been in), I'm starting to realise how crazy the stuff he's doing actually is.

 

Thanks for your advice, man. I'm definitely going to take it on board because this "friendship" is stressing me out and that's not what friendships are about. I may have to be a little bit selfish from this point onwards...

[Rethinking]

I would begin taking steps to extricate him from my life. Harsh, but the role he is putting you in is also incredibly unfair.

 

He needs help, and he also needs to start building a life (not even a social life, just a life) that is not so bound up in your presence and approval.

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

I'm hoping this summer will be a chance for him to build this life as I doubt we will be seeing each other at all. Although he did mention coming to my hometown over the summer which I told him wouldn't be a good idea - claiming I was busy. I said I may have a job and other commitments and then he responded he would be willing to travel all the way to my hometown just to say hello to me as I'm walking through the train station on my way to work...

 

Also, when I went back home during the semester for a weekend a couple months back, he attempted walking all the way there so he could "surprise" me (which would literally take over 24 hours). He doesn't have the money to catch a train. He then got lost in the woods and texted me at 2 in the morning asking what he should do...it's too much.

 

He's way too invested in me and says I'm the only friend he's ever had. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of frightened what may happen if I try to remove myself from his life.

[Sonicxman]

Can you talk to someone on the faculty? about his behavior. Be his friend, but let this burden be someone elses. Maybe if he can confide in the faculty there, he might be better off and not as co-dependent on you.

[Rethinking]

Can you talk to someone on the faculty? about his behavior. Be his friend, but let this burden be someone elses. Maybe if he can confide in the faculty there, he might be better off and not as co-dependent on you.

 

I'll try and look in to it. I found out that the university offers free counselling for students with any types of problems, but he's refusing to even consider going.

[shell024]

It sounds like he might be a bit obsessed with you. i'd defo try and talk to someone who can help

[Sonicxman]

Free yourself of this burden, and inform someone.

[Anotherday]

You're wise to be afraid. I'd say be very afraid. At this point go to someone on campus and state your concerns. Find the best way (excuse) you can to cut him out of your life and then do it! Don't look back except to make sure he's not behind you with something that could be dangerous!