I have a son with ex and he is going NC so far

[rebeccafisher2]

When I split up with my ex of 5 years three months ago, it was almost mutual. The main reasons for breaking up was that he didnt find me attractive anymore as I had put on weight after the birth of my son, and he started fancying other women a lot (though didnt cheat as far as I know) also he was critisising me a lot about how I was raising our child, and was just plain mean towards the end. He also didnt help me with the child at all and I was upset because I wanted us to be like a family but he wasnt acting that way. One other reason was that we is a mummys boy and his mum was so interfering in our life which he didnt care but I didnt want to be raising a child with her though thats how it felt. I was the one that actually said lets split up.

 

We have a 17 month old baby together. Since the break up, I saw him right in the beginning a few times, and we ended up shouting at each other and walking off. Then I sent him a nice email saying we should try to get on for the sake of our baby, to which he replied by email that he never wanted to see me again.

 

I didnt respond to that email. i thought that he would be in touch after a week or so in order to see our baby, even if he was still angry with me. The thing is now its been weeks and weeks and nothing. No text, email, phonecall, nothing. Has he abandoned his child??

 

I am wondering two things..

 

1.do I make contact with him to let him know he can see our baby with one of my family there instead of me (as he wants to cut me out of his life so much) or is that being too generous and basically he know my phone number etc and it should be him that makes the effort to call to see the baby..

 

2. How does it feel for him to not see his baby? He wasnt a hands on dad, but I do believe he loves his child. I am shocked that his apparent hatred for me for breaking up with him is more powerful than the desire to see his child. Has he simply managed in his head to put me and the baby in one place in his mind that he just wants to forget?? Will this change after a few months?? He must miss our baby right?? Does he think that its not worth it because he wont see his child a lot, might as well never.. what reasons could he possibly have for being in NC for so long now considering we have a baby?

 

Thanks for any advice.

[misssmithviii]

I know what you're going through and in my personal opinion, he should be making the effort. If you want to keep your name looking more reputable, then you make one offer, and one offer alone explaining he can visit with your family member and your son, so he doesn't have to see you (which will be easier on you too of course).

 

My ex hasn't visited his daughter in months, even after I had already done my part to explain how and under what terms he may see her (he was abusive to me and only got clean last year so he cannot see her unless my father, myself and my man are present and he cannot let her out of our sight) and I haven't contacted him. Some people don't have the "time" or hold their children as a priority... it's confusing but it's just how it is.

 

I think my ex feels that since he cannot see his daughter without me there and have her for days during the week, he feels it's almost better left "out of sight out of mind." I don't care because my daughter's only "Daddy" and "Dada" is my man.

[rebeccafisher2]

Yes I was thinking one attempt by letter or email that states that he is welcome to see our son with X at X time etc then I could say that this was definitely clear from my part so that he cant say down the line i tried to keep him away from his son

 

Maybe he just needs a nudge from me? Or maybe I am being naive and he will just not respond to the contact

 

Misssmith I have a feeling my ex is the same, if he cant see his son without me there at all and for days at a time, then hed rather out of sight, out of mind. I feel for my son that he is not going to have a dad that was there for him.

[rebeccafisher2]

You know its funny... What I thought I would be dealing with was constant contact from him, being angry with me and mean and making me bring my son to him, him telling all about some new girlfriend and great new life etc out of spite...

 

Really didnt think I would just be dealing with just...nothing.

 

He must miss his son? He surely cant associate his son with me so much that he doesnt want to see his son because its to do with me and he loathes me?????

 

By the way although I have posted for advice tonight, other than this thread I am trying not to dwell on it too much. I am taking care of my son everyday and enjoying every minute with him.

[Sanesoul]

I'm sorry, but there's about 50 nasty things I would like to call him right now, but I digress.

 

I get so sick of hearing things like this. He broke up with you, but he didn't break up with his child. It's seriously been weeks and weeks since he's since he's seen the baby?

 

I really wouldn't make the effort, honestly. I would put all your energy into caring for your child, and going after his ass for child support.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm sorry, but there's about 50 nasty things I would like to call him right now, but I digress.

 

I get so sick of hearing things like this. He broke up with you, but he didn't break up with his child. It's seriously been weeks and weeks since he's since he's seen the baby?

 

I really wouldn't make the effort, honestly. I would put all your energy into caring for your child, and going after his ass for child support.

 

I second this post. The guy is incredibly immature....you can't force him to see the child but you can make sure you get child support from him.

[BellaStranger]

Firstly- a main reason he broke up with you because he thought you were less attractive after bringing his child into the world? WHAT a ****er.

 

I definitely think you should do what you can to get him to see his son- but this is more for you- you need a clear conscience- to know you did everything you could! Just make that one attempt, laying it out and letting him see that you are going to make it as easy as you can, but that he has to meet you half way! He needs someone to make him understand that if he makes the effort and gains your trust then things can only get better... what about his mum, has she made an effort to see her grandson?

 

Oh, and no matter what the outcome- make sure you get that child support!

[Brigadoon]

People like him honestly make me speechless. How dreadful for him that you "became less attractive to him" after having his child, what a tough life he must have.

I know it must hurt like nothing else on earth right now but you really have dodged a bullet here. Send him one email stating that you are concerned that he has not seen his child and that he is welcome to see the baby without you present if he so wishes. This is purely for the purpose of using as evidence that you in no way tried to prevent him from having contact. Then nail the swine for child support and thank your lucky stars he's unlikely to interfere in your lives in the future, which will leave you free to move on and have a healthy relationship with a man who would be proud to treat your child as his own. There's plenty of them out there and once you're back on your feet you'll find one will come along.

 

Hugs in the meantime and I highly recommend you use my mantra (which I use at least 20 times a day) "IT'S HIS LOSS"; Repeat after me...

[rebeccafisher2]

thanks a lot for your responses.

 

so should I get a family member to send an email saying he can see his son?

[OccultFigurine]

I think you should have one last shot at contacting him..whether you do this yourself or through a family member is up to you, but I think you should do it.

 

I think he's an absolute cretin for leaving his son in the lurch by the way, but regardles of my opinions of him, its your son who deserves to have his dad in his life, and I think you should give it one more shot for that reason alone.

 

And I second that about child support!!