my boyfriend keeps lying to me

[JLKLEE]

I am really getting fed up with my boyfriend and the lies. Most of the time, we have a really good relationship. However, its getting to the point where I cant take the lying anymore.

 

There have been times in the past where he would lie to me about what he was doing. He would tell me he was home and come to find out, he was at the strip club with his friends. His excuse was that he knew I would be mad, even though time after time, Ive told him that I am only mad that he lies to me.

 

Another time, he told me he was having a drink with his friend and was about to leave the bar to go home. Long story short, he lied, and was still at the bar 2 1/2 hours later when he told me he was home.

 

Well last night he was working at the restaurant he is employed at. I texted him around 10pm or so and said that they must have been busy. Normally Monay nights are really slow around here. 30 minutes later, he texted back telling me no, that it was one of the managers last nights and he had to work a going away part for him, and was mad b/c he didnt think he was going to get tipped for it. I felt bad that he was upset and told him to call me on his way home so we could talk. He said ok, that he was just finishing up.

 

So 8 minutes later he calls me telling me he is home. (obviously, im thinking this is weird since he had just told me he was finishing up at work and it takes him atleast 15 minutes to get home from work). He is somewhat short with me and tells me he is going to cook some food and call me later. I said ok and he goes "love you bye" and hangs up without giving me a chance to say I love you or bye.

 

I sat there for about 5 minutes, thinking, and realized he was acting funny. I texted him and asked him if he was still at work instead of home where he said he was. My phone starts ringing and its him, accidently calling me, and i can hear music and a bunch of people in the background. He is CLEARLY not at home.

 

Long story short. He lied, again. He tried to cover somewhat, telling me that he should have told me he came back. I was like NO, you should have not put so much effort into making up lies. When you tell me you are home about to cook dinner and a few minutes later my phone rings with club sounds in the back, you MADE UP lies. He kept apologizing telling me he just wanted to tell his manager bye but no matter what his excuses are they dont justify the lying. He thought it was going to be ok to call me when he got home but i told him no.

 

I cant put up with the lying. I cant be with someone I cant trust and who lies about stupid things. It makes me EVEN MORE MAD when he keeps telling me hes sorry after he does it and how he cares about me and loves me.

[sidehop]

Has he always been this way about lying? Does he lie in any given situation?

 

If he's a compulsive liar than there are probably more problems within that need to be dealt with through professional counseling.

[DN]

If he had told you the truth about where he was all these times what would have been your reaction?

[JLKLEE]

Has he always been this way about lying? Does he lie in any given situation?

 

If he's a compulsive liar than there are probably more problems within that need to be dealt with through professional counseling.

 

No he only lies to me when he knows he is being irresponsible and making bad decisions. I think he would have told me he was going to have a drink with his co-workers for him managers last night if he was really going to do just that, especially since he had to work this morning

 

But his phone kept accidently calling me b/c it was in his pants and doesnt have a key bad lock and there was a voicemail left talking about them going out to another club.

[JLKLEE]

If he had told you the truth about where he was all these times what would have been your reaction?

 

Honestly, if he told me he was really at the strip club I would have been a little bit upset.

 

But, like last night for instance, if he told me he was going to have a few drinks with some co-workers I would have been fine.

 

What I dont get is in some situations he will tell me the truth and then in others he will lie, even though they are the same situations.

[Justnotsure]

If he had told you the truth about where he was all these times what would have been your reaction?

 

Are you implying that because she may have had a negative reaction, he is justified in lying?

[DN]

If he is lying to avoid the consequences of telling the truth then it is his actions and your reaction that are the real issues you should be dealing with rather than the lying. The lying is an effect - deal with the cause first and then deal with the lying.

[DN]

Are you implying that because she may have had a negative reaction, he is justified in lying?

No .............

[sidehop]

No he only lies to me when he knows he is being irresponsible and making bad decisions. I think he would have told me he was going to have a drink with his co-workers for him managers last night if he was really going to do just that, especially since he had to work this morning

 

This is not good in so many ways. If he cannot make sound judgment or take responsibility for his own actions I'm sure he uses lying as a tool to get around obstacles that he may face; whether it's something as simple as not wanting to tell you the truth or something much bigger.

[DN]

No he only lies to me when he knows he is being irresponsible and making bad decisions

Who is deciding what constitutes irresponsibility and bad decisions?

[JLKLEE]

Who is deciding what constitutes irresponsibility and bad decisions?

 

Obviously I am. But I think that its a general understanding that going out til 2-3am getting wasted, taking a cab home because you are too drunk, and not having any way to get to work in the morning is just a little bit irrespondible.

[Justnotsure]

People don't always lie because they think they will evoke a negative reaction in their partner. Sometimes people lie because they know what they're doing is wrong/irresponsible/embarrassing, etc. I'm sure everyone has told a white lie/ommitted facts every once in awhile in order to avoid being perceived a certain way.

 

It seems that your boyfriend has a pretty big problem with this. He has a certain lifestyle that he wants to live at this point, but he knows that it is incompatible with being in a relationship and being a responsible adult. I'd avoid a discussion about each instance, and instead have a bigger discussion about where you both stand as far as what you want out of your lives and relationship at this point. Trying to catch him in every lie and monitor his behavior is not a very fun way to spend your time. Good luck - I hope it works out.

[DN]

I think you should discuss with your boyfriend, in a non-confrontational style, how his behaviour is affecting the relationship and how you view him and then listen to what he says.

 

But it won't help to be accusative or to adopt a quasi-parental role. Explain how this is affecting you not how it is affecting him.

[Mauxly]

How old are you guys? Not questioning your maturity, I only ask because going out with friends, getting drunk, making stupid decisions is a rite of passage for some people in their 20s (so long as it isn't all the time). If you guys are young, you should probably let him make his mistakes/live his life. Of course, if he's in his late 30s or beyond and this happens more than once every few months I'd dump him on that alone (some people just never grow up).

 

I AM NOT justifying his dishonesty. There is no excuse for lying. He should be able to tell you that it is his life and if you don’t like it take a hike. And if you don’t like it….take a hike….really.

This passive aggressive stuff (lying) and your controlling behavior does not bode well for a long term / healthy relationship.

[JLKLEE]

Ok so, what about if I tell him that I am tired of the lying that I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who I cant trust. Also, that he needs to consider the life he wants to live and compare it to the life I want. If he doesnt think that they match up or my views arent realistic for him that we just need to move on. Should I tell him my expectations for a long term relationship? Anything else?

[JLKLEE]

I am 23 and he is 24. I dont mind occassional getting drunk and partying with friends, I just feel that there is a time and place for it. When you have to get up early and work all day the next day, it probably isnt the best decision to get wasted the night before. But for someone who is interviewing for a big time job on Friday morning, I personally think its time to map our his priorities.

 

But anyways, I guess I dont agree that I am controlling him. He can and always has been able to do what he wants. Im not forcing him to be with me. But I think its fair to respect my wishes, just as I do his, and not lie to me, not matter what situation hes in. Like I said, I didnt see anything wrong with him getting a few drinks with his manager who is leaving.

[sidehop]

Ok so, what about if I tell him that I am tired of the lying that I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who I cant trust. Also, that he needs to consider the life he wants to live and compare it to the life I want. If he doesnt think that they match up or my views arent realistic for him that we just need to move on. Should I tell him my expectations for a long term relationship? Anything else?

 

Move on as in split up? I could see his lying becoming a huge problem, it already is and will probably blow into something much more serious in a long run. Obviously he probably doesn't realize how much this is causing you grief. Compulsive liars have the tendency to lie without any guilt; like a second nature to them.

 

I'd communicate with him how his lying is upsetting you. If he cannot be honest as simple as whether or not he's home or at a bar, how can he expect to gain trust from you.

[havefaith]

To be honest with you, after having a similar experience I would not put up with this. Someone who is capable of lying to you in this fashion likely has more to hide than he's letting on, or would be capable of hiding things in the future. Sorry if that's overly suspicious but for me it turned out to be true... BF would lie, in this case about smoking pot and seeing his ex GF who was still obsessed with him, both of which were issues for me. Yes I may have gotten upset if he had told me these things anyway but think about that for a second, if he knows you would be upset and then chooses to lie to you because of that, he's making a CLEAR, selfish decision to do something that you are not okay with. To me that is not only a breach of trust but an obvious disregard for your feelings, may even speak to a fundamental relationship mismatch.

 

Sorry if this seems harsh, it's just that I've been here before. It is tempting to blame yourself for "making him feel he has to lie" but that excuse doesn't end up holding water. I'm with a new SO now and have so far not had this sort of problem whatsoever, so I know it wasn't just that I was making crazy demands or "forcing him to lie". You can probably bet that this guy will continue to make choices based on what HE wants WHEN he wants it in the future.... and you don't really get a say. IMO, this sort of man isn't ready for the concept of partnership and respecting one another's feelings.

[Convict7]

The famous, "I lie to you to spare your feelings" always a crowd pleaser. What these type of lies say to me is that the other person does not value you, but just wants to keep you in the dark so they can continue doing things they KNOW are wrong. If he thought everything he was doing was ok, he would be honest. When your partner lies to you, he is saying "You are not important enough for me to deal with the possible consequences of my actions."

 

It sucks but I have dealt with this many many times before.