Turning Crushes into Good Friends

[LilyJane]

So this post is about two guys...

 

I met Mark* in a class close to three years ago. I had a crush on him at the time and we would talk a lot during/after class, but we never dated because I had a boyfriend (who is long gone) and I have no idea if he ever had feelings. But, despite that, Mark and I have been "facebook friends" for some time. We talk online a lot and text, but have never once hung out.

 

Now, there is another guy Jay* in a class I currently have (ending next week), and again, I find myself in a situation where I am crushing on someone, see a potential good friendship, but really don't want it to fall to the wayside of just being a facebook friend situation.

 

I want to become better friends with both of them, but I don't want to end up being too flirty or leading them on. I have a boyfriend whom I am very happy with; I tend to get crushes on others when I find myself needing some friends other than the SO. It's just that I can never find that perfect balance between being too light or too strong.

 

Any suggestions are highly appreciated. I am a very shy person, so when I find people I want to be friends with, I don't want to lose that.

 

 

*names are changed

[DreamerGirl27]

You have a boyfriend, but you're crushing on 2 other guys? Sucks to be your boyfriend...

[shuttlefish]

^^^^ yeah....

 

OP, get some friends that are girls. I get the impression you're a teenager. Teenage boys are horny, they will only be your friend in order to hopefully "be" with you. You should recognize this, you're b/f knows this too likely and will not be impressed.

 

Exceptions to teenage boys who pretend to be your friend so they can get in your pants:

1. gay guys,

2. the boy next door that you grew up with

3. boy who wants you to do his homework

4. boy who actually wants to date your sister/cousin/friend etc

[LilyJane]

I used to have a crush on the first guy, not anymore. The second guy is yes, a current crush, but I don't act on my crushes, nor do I think that it's unnatural to have feelings for someone else while I am committed to one person. In other words, I think "emotional cheating" is a load of bull; what matters more are the actual actions of a person when they do have feelings for another person. In this case, I aim to not flirt with this guy, but to try to build a friendship. I am very open about these infatuations with my boyfriend, and it's this sort of openness with each other that makes us trust each other more.

 

Currently, I don't have too many friends because I moved/friends graduate/move/etc. Most I know just live too far away to hang out with. I am just looking to make friends without unintentionally leading someone on.

[DreamerGirl27]

Personally, I hate this philosophy. When I have a crush on someone and want to be their "friend", that usually means I want more, period, no question about it, end of conversation. If you were a guy and I was a girl and you really wanted to be my "friend" I would feel led on. Can't you make friends with someone you don't have a "crush" on?

 

This is me, though. I would be perfectly fine and happy with just one person. I have my girlfriends I can be "just friends" with. I'm just not the kind of person that needs a lot of "friends" and if I was in a relationship with a guy, I would feel really guilty if I was trying to pursue a friendship with other guys I was interested in. I'd just befriend people I don't view romantically in any way.

[DreamerGirl27]

This is not to say that you shouldn't or won't get crushes on other guys, but to pursue a relationship with them when you aren't single I find wrong. I even find it wrong when someone is single. I am in a relationship/friendship with a guy that doesn't like me, even though he acts like he does. I like him and it is nothing but torture for me. I have fun with him, but in the back of my mind I'm always going to want more and he doesn't. It REALLY sucks for the person on the unrequited side.

[msDazed_N_Confused]

If you are in search of friends, why not try that with people you don't have a crush on. If it is only friendship you are after, there is no need to be attractive to be someone like that. Even though you said you won't act on it.

 

Having said that, I turned my crush into one of my best friends, so it can be done.

We have been colleagues for over 5 years, but since we have a big department, i never really talked to him until about 2 years ago. First i developped a crush, but since we were in a working environment i was hesitant to flirt or show feelings. As we progressed to talking almost on a daily basis, i started to really get to know him. However, the more i got to know him, the more i realized him and me would never work.

So the crush faded and the friendship developped.

Keep in mind though we both were single.