Where to go from here?

[ezious]

This is a follow-up to a thread I started about a month ago. My girlfriend had a major surgery and has been down. The surgery would have her be in casts for 6 months, plus physiotherapy afterwards, etc...

 

About a month ago I posted how we are not affectionate and that I have a problem with this, and everyone mentioned how she seems to be depressed. The advice was to support her during this difficult time, which I did. About two weeks ago we discussed this, and she felt there is nothing wrong with the relationship and she is taking out her frustration on us. She needs time to herself so we suggested she take a break and work on it herself, but I would be there if she needs support.

 

We are in a long distance relationship (canada-US), and I'm currently in the job application process of moving to the same location. Not for the relationship, but this has been a two year plan of mine (kinda how we met).

 

After giving her two weeks we talked, things were still difficult for her, and long distance has taken a toll.

 

Additional background info:

We were together in the past for 1 year, and now back together for 5 months after being apart for 1 year. Before we got back together, she talked about how she wants to take time to herself and be single just to work on herself since she has not been single for 6 years. She did not want to date, but work on herself (this is very true, not bs). However, after hanging out, thiings got intense and we got together.

 

Now:

Since things are difficult, she said now would be a good time for us to break up, not to date others, but so she can work on herself until I move. Once I move, we will resume dating and go from there. In the meantime, we will talk frequently until I make it out there...

 

Question:

Is this a load of bs? she says she loves me and this is hard for her to be apart, but she says she's doing it for us because she knows for a fact if we continue like this, we will just drift apart eventually. She says this time for herself will help us.

 

I want to believe her. Especially since nothing was wrong before the foot surgery. In fact, days before her surgery she sent me a long e-mail about how much she's in love with me and wants to be with me.

 

I have been so patient for the past two months. Should I believe this? If you need to take time for yourself to work on yourself, would you actually still be in love with someone and want things to work out? I need outsider opinions...

 

Apologies for the long post. I just wanted to make sure you have all the details. feel free to ask for more details. Thanks

[DN]

If you break up I would consider it a permanent break up and reconsider the move. Unless you were planning to move there for other reasons than to be with her, you would be taking a huge risk in uprooting your life for someone this ambivalent about you and the relationship.

[ezious]

I'm moving for myself, certainly not for the relationship.

 

Is that even normal behavior though? How can you claim you love someone so much, and then instantly push them away so far to the point of breakup. It does not make sense. It's not like she'll be meeting new people because of her condition, but I don't understand this time to yourself thing when you're in love with someone.

 

She specifically said this doesn't have to do with wanting to be in something else, but that she needs the time to herself during this difficult time, and doesn't want to have to deal with a long distance relationship as it is too tiring.

 

I'm trying to understand this... part of me says a cop-out, and part of me says some of it makes sense...

[ORTT]

Just dropping my thoughts while I have some time off from work to ponder.... maybe she wants some time to recover and not to feel that she has to rely on others (be it you, the person she loves but doesn't want to hurt, or whoever).

 

From what you've said she does love you, I don't know what the difficulties are that are existent, but assuming they relate to long distance, you can't expect the move to solve them.

 

I know you aren't moving to be with her /living with her as you have clarified, and hey, maybe the proximity will be useful in future, when she is ready to be in a relationship again.

 

I think the key point I'm making here (rambling on a bit) is that, it might not be an ideal situation for you, but you need to respect how she is feeling. She is going through a tough hurdle in her life and yes the support is good, but your relationship with her has to take the back-burner for now.

 

I'm sure if you were in the same situation and your girlfriend was pushing at a relationship that may need some work, you'd want some time to recover and support as a friend as opposed to some of the frustrations a relationship can bring.

 

Apologies if any of this was a tad blunt...

[karvala]

Now:

Since things are difficult, she said now would be a good time for us to break up, not to date others, but so she can work on herself until I move. Once I move, we will resume dating and go from there. In the meantime, we will talk frequently until I make it out there...

 

To be honest, I think that's fairly ridiculous. Either you're in an exclusive relationship, or you're not in an exclusive relationship. The "we'll stop dating, but book a time in the future when we'll start dating again, and in the meantime we'll remain exclusive and continue to talk as though we are still dating" seems nonsensical. Similarly, when she talks about time out to work on herself, what specifically does she mean? What work is she going to be doing on herself? How long will it take? What does it involve? I suspect she has no idea.

 

I think if you're really going to go down this rather dubious "let's take a break" or "let's have a temporary breakup", it should be crystal clear exactly what it means. Are you still exclusive? Is she allowed to date anyone else, or engage in date-like activities with someone else (so she can't get away with just not calling it a date)? Is there a fixed time when you will definitely resume dating? Will the level of contact be limited in the meantime, or will it remain the same? Are the feelings still there as much as they were, or not? Does she hope that she will simply miss you and this will somehow rekindle something?

 

You need to know the rules of the game here, and what precisely her purpose is. Just stumbling into a breakup in the hope that it will somehow trigger a positive change in the situation is a bad idea if you ask me.