i don't know what to title this

[cntrofthestorm]

So about an hour ago i went to go unblock my ex from AIM because i really honestly felt that i was ready to be friends with him again and that unblocking him would maybe let him know that and then after finals were over i could IM him again (it's summer and i just wanted to be able to check up on him, see how he was doing because i prob won't see him again for at least a year) and when i went to do it, i realized he wasn't blocked like i thought he was. i deleted him from my buddy list and i thought my settings were that only my buddy list could see if i was online. but they weren't.

 

that means all this time he didn't know i had blocked. but worst of all it means he could see my away messages. and that just kills me. i don't remember what they were but i know i had a lot of song lyrics that were probably melodramatic. i think when i went out on a date i had it up as my away message. like none of those things were meant for him to see.

 

i'm extremely upset about this. it ruins everything i thought i had going for the past 60 days. i thought i was moving on really clean cut, i had no contact with him and only my good friends could see my sometimes melodramatic away messsages so as far as he knew i was fine. im so embarrased. i feel like it looks like i was trying to rub all of this in his face the whole time. i don't know what do.

[DN]

I would not be too concerned. If you do start talking he may mention it but it is possible he thought little or nothing of it.

[cntrofthestorm]

yeah that's true, he probably didn't. but i just feel like all my control that i thought i had was just completely taken away from me. like i thought i had completely cut him out of my life and now he was able to see into my life this whole time. i know this sounds dumb like over just an away message... but i really am always online and i enjoy updating what i'm doing, it's a bad habit lol. i guess i just felt like since only my close friends could talk to me on there it was like more private and now i just feel invaded, even if he really didn't pay attention to them.

 

i don't know, my pride just feels a little broken and pride was something i was really hanging onto before. (maybe im being too dramatic i'm just way too stressed with school right now and trying to find a job)

[jimmajam]

I know how you feel. I have put up away message and thought better of it and took it down ... hoping my ex didn't see it. If you're truly moving on or at least trying to heal then none of it really matters. Woo cares what he saw, what he thought, what he thinks now. If he was following along it sounds like he could tell you progress to healing.

 

Plus...who is to say he still has you on his list?

[cntrofthestorm]

thanks

 

i do feel better now. and i'm glad i had this site to vent on. I know that I wasn't writing that stuff to rub it in his face or to try to make him feel guilty and that's all that matters. and you're very right, i may not even be on his list lol