How to get the trust back.

[John1]

Hello, Ive written a long post in the 2nd chances forum.. basically i was with my ex for 4 years and 12 months ago we split as i kissed another girl.. we split up.... ever since then Ive been trying to get her back, but she has been very very very resistant... I never did the "no contact " thing.. she was my 1st serious girlfriend, so this was my/our first breakup... i would call her a lot begging for 2nd chance.. she then changed her number.... I would then message her sister to talk to her sister for me... stupidly i would then write her letters explaining everything and begging for a 2nd chance...

We used to speak 3-4 times a day.. we had serious plans for the future .. we were on the verge of moving intogether..

its just over a year since the split... we are just barely back on speaking terms again... i saw her last weekend and stupidly asked her can we hang out , go to the beach or go to the funfair( which we always did when we were together) she said no.. I asked her could we meet up maybe every few weeks for coffee, she said no, that we wouldnt be arranging anytime to meet up, if we see each other in the street or out with friends then we will say hello and maybe talk to each other but we wont be arranging anything to meet up...

 

I then asked her to consider maybe giving me a 2nd chance, that we were great together for 4 years and it was just 1 stupid drunken mistake.. I was stupid.. and on saturday i was stupid as I shouldnt have pushed it..... As I said we used speak 3-4 times a day.. in the 12 months we have split we have spoken maybe 10-12 times and many of those occasions were tears mostly from me so wasnt helpful

 

I know I hurt her badly... we were planning on moving in together and spending the rest of our lives together... now saturday talking to rachel was like old times.. it was great except for the bit when she still wouldnt give me a 2nd chance...we were asking each other how we were and what we were up to .. now people are saying that I have to show her that I can be trusted... Thats going to be difficult now as we never see each other.. Now Ive only seen her 5 times this year and 3 of them have been in the last 4 weks so its great to see her.

Shes put on a lot of weight since we split although she still looks stunning to me.

She hasnt had sex since me ( i dont know if that means anything)and i havent been with anybody since her, she said to me shes not looking for a boyfriend) she said why would she want to get back with me. shes having a great time...

But If I can someway gain her trust again then maybe we can talk and maybe clear the air...

like last weekend she lifted my shirt sleeve to see my new tattoo.. she showed me her newly pedicured feet and telling me all her news..

I know we may never get back together again.. its just great to be able to speak to each other again ( without the tears)

I hurt her badly and maybe its too late for a reconciliation.

Now I know I cant push her anymore as shes only going farther away ...

 

I messaged her sister last night.. her sister is starting her exams today so i just messaged her saying best of luck with the exams and her sister messaged back saying thanks...

I met her father last weekend and we said hello to each other...

Its good to be on at least speaking terms with her family again though..

anyway sorry for the long post

Thanks

John

[Val]

Hey John,

it's never too late for reconciliation, especially in your case where you haven't seen ANYONE since her and neither has she. However, don't put your life on hold. You can try gaining her trust back but that doesn't necessarily mean she'll ever date you again. She knows you still want her and are still interested yet if she doesn't come forward there's nothing you can do to make her. Stay on speeking terms (as friends) because by imposing things you guys use to do as lovers will only push her further away. If you want her trust back, your going to have to start over from the beginning, meaning restart a new friendship (a long one) and then maybe she'll consider you as a lover again. But that is a MAYBE.

If it were me I wouldn't forgive you, but then again I've nebver been in a 4 yr relationship. What you did is something that should have NEVER, EVER happened and I can't even begin to imagine how much you hurt her which is why she may not forgive u 4 it.

But even then isn't it better to have her as a friend than out of your life?

 

Wish you the best of luck and hope you learned from all this.

[John1]

thanks for that, Oh Ive definitely learned... The thing is though it was just a drunken kiss with a girl from work.. we were on a work nite out.. loads of us... this girl had a serious bf too.. so it wasnt something we planned.. this girl said nothing to her b/f and they are still together.. they are touring australia for a year travelling ... so I should have said nothing too.. I made it out to be more than a drunken kiss though.. I told my ex I had met someone else when i really hadnt.. dont ask me why i said that.. I still question myself every day... I hate it what i put her through... i really do.. Ive been a stupid dick...

I would definitely love her back in my life even if it was only as a friend as she means the world to me.. I have learned my lesson.. I have eased up on alcohol although , that shouldnt and wont be an excuse. i messed up , drunk or not...

I just wish i didnt put her through so much hell

thanks for your time i really appreciate any feedback given..

[Kittengirl]

I think you and your ex are rebuilding, it's going to be a really slow process though.You seem to have got a little of the closeness back and I know how bad you feel. Take some comfort in the fact that after 12 months apart she has decided to at least spend some time with you. Don't blow it by putting the pressure on. There's no one else in the picture for either of you so that should leave the way clear to build those bridges and if the outcome is just a strong friendship surely that is better than not having her in your life at all? I am trying to forgive my ex and become friends but he hurt me very very much and I'm finding it hard to be civil but hey it was only 10 weeks since we split and I know one day we will be friends(only friends though in my case). Trust cannot be rushed and what will be will be...be patient and give her the space she needs to be herself and find out what she wants.I hope things work out for you as you obviously love her very much and lets face it we all make mistakes.

[John1]

kittengirl, thank you for your words... Its very difficult but Im definitely going to give Rachel her space... Like we only live about 5 miles from each other... When we were together she was living 150 miles away from me and we both couldnt wait until she moved home again so we could see each other more often.. Its ironic, now shes home I dont see her at all anymore except for the odd occasion we might see each other in street or pub..

 

Anyway yes it looks like we are rebulding although I dont know if she views it that way.. She told me to move on as she has moved on.. Although people do say things they dont mean.. so I dont know.. Yes Im not with anybody at the moment and neither is she...

 

But the fact ot the matter is I have put my life on hold for 12 months for her hoping that she will reconsider... I dont know how much longer I can continue doing this.. She means the world to me.. She has put on a lot of weight, not sure if its because of the breakup, but she still is the love of my life and I want her back terribly, Sometimes It feels like Im the only 1 affected by the breakup.. She just seems so distant but confident that she made the right decision..

The love we had before is still there from my side anyway.. I hurt her ... BAD...I was a stupid stupid fool... That night was the worst night of my life bar none.. If i could change 1 thing in my life it would be that night we split...

She knows how i feel about her and how sorry I am for all the pain and hassle that I caused her ... .Now I just want to give her her space... Let her do her own thinking ... Cos If I did pressure her back ,it would always be in the back of my mind " why is she back? is it because she wants to or she felt pressured into coming back?" so I know for certain that we were in love before and 13 months ago she was hinting at me to get her a RING.. I know things change but who knows?

 

I just hope shes not playing games with me. What happens if she sees me with another girl... Will it affect her? Will she suddenly change her mind and her plan for hurting me backfires and it will be me happy with another girl..? Theres so many scenarios that could be possible

 

But I will give her space though and see what happens... But I would rather her in my life as a friend than not been there at all..