Need female perspective... want to rekindle friendship

[DrNick]

Some of you may already know about my situation, but here it is in brief yet again. My ex and I were going through a rough patch. I got scared of possible rejection, so I broke up with her, telling her I needed time and space to fix the issues we were arguing about. She was upset but agreed that time apart was for the best. We continued being friendly for about a week. Then suddenly she didn't want to see me or talk to me anymore. I tried talking to her on three separate occasions, but she blew me off each time. Finally I wrote her a letter apologising for my behaviour, telling her I was wrong to break up. No response from her. At that point I called her and we exchanged some harsh words, which ended in me deciding to give up. I have avoided her as much as possible, but unfortunately we work together so we still see each other on a daily basis, although we don't talk. I have avoided her now for about a month. She seems to be a little calmer, and I find that she now seems to acknowledge my presense, when before she didn't even look my way. I have spoken to a few friends, male and female, and they have told me that she was in love with me, I hurt her deeply, and now she doesn't want to be friends because it hurts too much. I understand that, but we were friends for about a year before we started going out, and I dearly miss the friendship, even though I now concede that we were never very compatible as partners. When would be the best time to rekindle the friendship? Should I wait for her? Should I start saying hello to her? How do I break through the barrier of no communication? I realise I have to be the one to make the first move, but I want to do it the right way. I don't want to pressure her and make her retreat further into her shell. Any advice?

[QTpie87]

ouch,

 

you should tell her why you wanted the time, and tell her how you feel about her now, i think that is the best you can do.good luck.

love Qtpie87

[Celadon]

I went through a similar circumstance, altho' I didn't have to see my ex everyday (yowch!). He didn't want to continue any contact, so after I finished being mad at him, I told him, fine, I'll be here if you ever want to be friends again. Then I let him make the first move -- which he did, a month or two later.

 

So, there's hope. Don't get too focused on it. I'd suggest apologizing to her -- again -- and telling her you'd like to be friends someday. Tell her you respect her and appreciate her friendship. Let her know you're open to it anytime she is. Then be mature about it and give her some space.

 

Meanwhile, go make some new friends.

[John1]

Im in the same boat.. I was with my ex for 4 years.. we were soul mates, lovers , best friends... 13 months ago I kissed another girl drunkenly.. and my ex dumped me then ... since then ive been trying to win her back telling her it was a "mistake" , but Ive only been pushing her further away...she has changed her phone number cos I used constantly be ringing her... I only wanted a 2nd chance and hoped that our 4 years together and our plans for the future might have counted for something and might make her reconsider...

Ive been reading a lot of posts on these forums and I just cant understand why girls (this is just my opinion now) are so strong when it comes to breakups....Im not a hard guy by any means but used never show emotion really.. but the last 13 months has been really devastating for me and I used to write her letters and ring her looking for a 2nd chance... she would just plain refuse saying shes happy why would she want to get back together... I saw her over the weekend.. we are on speaking terms again finally but she doesnt want to hang out or even try again which is sad... 13 months ago she was hinting for me to get a ring... now she will hardly speak to me... I suppose when you hurt a girl though it really really affects them... just dont understand why some of them can be so "cold" especially when you genuinely made a mistake

[rotty]

i hear ya john things will be all good just give her time, more importantly give your self time stop flooding her, give her a chance to miss you thats wat im doing with my ex now, its been a few days since we broke up, seems as if we havnt even broken up when im with her, but i told her last night i need time, i dont want to lose her as a person, if worst comes to worse i still want her as a friend and if you really love someone then that will be good enough time heals all, take it eazy buddy

[Celadon]

... I suppose when you hurt a girl though it really really affects them... just dont understand why some of them can be so "cold" especially when you genuinely made a mistake

 

I feel for you, especially since you guys were together for four years. I'm sure it was a great relationship.

 

You're right about how hurt girls can feel. We hope to feel like we're the one desired woman, and it's devastating when our guy doesn't act that way. I'd say, unfortunately, that of all the mistakes a guy can make, getting it on with another girl is about the worst. It breaks trust, and trust is a hard thing to get back.

 

Since you're still friends, there may be a chance (I believe the only chance is by being friends and rebuilding that trusting relationship). Believe me, though, if she is even thinking about getting back together with you, she's probably watching your behavior very very closely to see if you're worth trusting again. Good luck.

[DrNick]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I think trust is the real issue here. I know that I violated the trust of my ex, and that is why she is acting so coldly to me now. Everyone says "give it time", but sometimes that can be the hardest thing to do. I see her at work nearly every day, and it seems like she is always slipping a little further away from me. Even though we have no contact, I hear about what she gets up to, and I know she is making a conscious effort to avoid me, which hurts. For the time being, all I can do is soldier on and hope for the best. Thanks for the advice.

[OceanEyes]

just dont understand why some of them can be so "cold" especially when you genuinely made a mistake

 

The words "genuine" and "mistake" don't really belong in the same sentence, do they? hehe

 

You mention in your post that you didn't really show much emotion while you were with her. Do you mean that you didn't actually cry in front of her, or that you were always a little emotionally distant, never really becoming mentally intimate with her? I guess I am asking because if I was with a guy for 4 years, he was never overly emotional, and then all of a sudden, when he cheats is quick to show off his feminine side ... I just think I would smell a rat. And with good reason! (not that you are of course, I am just trying to imagine how I would feel)

 

You can't honestly believe that she's "been so strong". If she actually went as far as changing her phone number to avoid contact with you, there was obviously a tremendous amount of pain inflicted. She was basically trying to sever her ties with you in order to handle herself.

 

I am, and know some of my girlfriends are, the type to love, and love and LOVE the guy they're with until they get so tired of trying to have it reciprocated the way they want, that they get sick of it. They get angry, not so much with you, but with themselves for allowing it to continue for so long. Some women hold loyalty and trust up higher than anything, and she probably trusted you so much that it ruined her to learn of your infidelity. For me, once that line has been crossed, it doesn't matter how many good times there were. It doesn't matter how much faith and hope I put into the relationship. No trust = no love. I am guessing that your ex felt angry, more with herself and her own choices, than with you. That's why it's sometimes easier for women to 'move on', because many of us will blame ourselves, whether it be consciously or unconsciously.

 

Since you spent so much time together and still see her often, you can probably find some way to approach her for friendship again. But I have to be honest, it's going to take a lot of time and effort on your part. Also, I agree 100% with K8tie ... don't let her see you step out of line once. Well, that's if this girl is really who you want to be with.

[DrNick]

Ocean, your post spoke volumes to me. I think I finally understand what went on and why it is so hard to revert to friendship. I'll just have to be a man about it... move on, continue to be friendly to her, and show her that I am a better person and that I am not clingy (ie. I would like her friendship, but I'm not going to get angsty and pathetic if she doesn't respond). Do you think this is the best way to approach it? My only problem is that whenever I see her, I still get butterflies in my stomach. It makes it hard to act casual and friendly around her, because I can feel the tension between us. The fact that there is tension between us suggests to me that there is still hope (ie. she still feels something for me, otherwise she wouldn't be so tense around me). I think that if I can get her to relax, then maybe there is a chance of the friendship restarting. What do you think?

[SilverSurfer]

The fact that there is tension between us suggests to me that there is still hope (ie. she still feels something for me, otherwise she wouldn't be so tense around me).

 

DrNick,

 

I'm not so sure if this is a fair assumption (feels something for me = there is still hope). she might feel offended, insulted over what happened, and hasn't let it go yet. its not easy to let go of such anger, resentment, even if you've decided not to give the relationship a second chance.

 

if she's the one ignoring you at work, please dont try to approach her. i'm assuming she's avoiding you because she's hurt (ie. there's no 3rd party involved) over what's happened, and can't talk to you because it'll just hurt too much. or she might be afraid that if she talks to you, you will bring up past issues, and it will turn into another argument.

 

perhaps you could smile at her the next time you see her, an honest, gentle smile, the same ones you used to give her it'll make her feel more at ease, signal to her that you're willing to talk again. it'll go a long way towards making things better.

[DrNick]

You have a point silversurfer. Although in the last week, while she's still not being friendly, she has started speaking to me, but only when we're together with a group of people, and even then, only when it suits her. So progress is very slow. However, in meetings, etc. I have caught her looking at me many times, which to me suggests there is still something there. Don't worry, I'm not going to pursue her on the basis of a few looks, but the body language does give her true emotions away.

[cassiana]

Do you want her back or do you want to date her?

 

If it was me I wouldn't go back to being friends with you, you can't put those things in reverse and it would hurt too much anyway.

[DrNick]

Cassiana, can you elaborate slightly? Why wouldn't you go back to being friends? I need some help here, if for no other reason than to avoid the same problem in any subsequent relationship.

[cassiana]

Well Dr Nick If I still have feelings for a guy and have invested alot of time and sacrifice into the relationship and he turns around and said that he only wants to be friends again I would feel humiliated. I would feel that he was rejecting the most intimate part of me. To me it would be I thought you had a lovely personality but the rest was a disappointment. If I did become friends again and had feelings still for you then whenever you produced another girlfriend I would be gutted and wonder why her and not me. Then I would wonder, does she know our past. If she does I would be more humiliated and she, most likely would feel threatened. The only time I would rekindle a friendship with an ex was if I was totally over him and in a better relationship. Then I woouldn't feel humiliated but I would never rekindle it while single.

[Mix Maxster]

Ok man this is my view on it, take it or leave it. Instead of being able to deal with the issues with her, you told her you had to break up. My god man do you understand how stupid that sounds to her? She probably felt rejected because you had to break up to apparently resolve these issues on your own, how can YOU be able to resolve any issues with her later on in life if she thinks this is how you handle such situations? She probably at first understood it and then went "hey wait a minute, why does he have to BREAK up with me to figure things out what's his deal?" and then felt she wanted nothing with you because you had to be such a wimp about it. I'm sorry if this is harsh man, but I'm guessing she didn't get the response she was working for and you should really lay it out for her, doing nothing or moving on or just not being her friend I am betting isn't what she really wanted but she's hurt and mad that you had to do such a thing. I guess her point was, how does that fix anything by breaking up? and what's stopping you from doing it again.

 

Me, I would just tell her what I just said, tweak it up and be honest about it and say that you won't do it again and leave it at that. I'd expect not to hear back from her in a while, say something like that and expect NC don't push it anymore and don't rush it, tell her the truth and leave it at that.

[DrNick]

Cassiana and Mix, I take your points. I'd rather you be harsh and honest because we're all here to better ourselves, and mouthing platitudes won't help any of us Yes, I realise I stuffed up, that she took my breaking up as a sign that I was being a wimp. The last thing I needed at that stage in my life was someone busting my balls for something that I had to deal with but had no immediate control over (family stuff that needed time to be fixed). I overreacted, but at the same time, she was not being supportive, she only saw my problem in terms of how it was affecting her, which I thought was very selfish. I had always supported her when she had work issues, even though she was sometimes part of the problem. So you can imagine I was a little peeved that she didn't have the strength of character to return the favour. A break up was what I thought was best at the time. OK, so she still has feelings for me and it's easier to hate me than to be friends. That's fair enough, I know the last time I had feelings for a female friend who didn't reciprocate, I ended up cutting contact with her because I found it hard to deal with. I've told my ex I realise I stuffed up and did some stupid things (in a letter, because at the time she refused to speak to me). I didn't ask for a second chance in the letter, I merely said that if she wanted to talk, I was always open to dialogue. This seems to have made no impression on her. If anything, it has pushed her away even more. I still have some feelings for her too, but I think we need a lot of groundwork before we can even consider going out together again. That's why I consider friendship a good start. Of course, maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. I think all I can do for the time being is continue to be civil, and hopefully over time things will improve.

[Mix Maxster]

That sounds good to me

It can be bizarre, but sometimes people need their space even though we feel it's being selfish. It's true, but I guess they need to do it. If you can be there for you without letting your emotions get in the way and what not then I commend you and good luck with your situation.

[cassiana]

Mixmaster has got it spot on. That is exactly how im feeling now. My boyfriend has M.E and had a really intensive course coming up. The week before the split one of his colleagues was in an accident putting more pressure on him in work and he got a terrible migraine. When he dumped me he praised me for my humour, my understanding and support. He didn't tell me how worrried about the course he was. Instead he said he needed his own space. He confided in a mutual friend that he was tired and that he didn't really mean to break up with me. He then sent me two jokey emails and a very vague birthday card.

My feeling is this. I knew he had M.E and I had seen how it could impact on his life. I had been supportive so why couldn't he just tell me that it would affect our relationship for the duration of the course. I would have understood. I'm desperately hurt that he could jettison me in a crisis and if I agree to be his friend (not that he asked) I would be allowing him to ease his selfish conscience when I would still be hurting. As for a reconciliation, how can I be sure he has any feelings for me and won't toss me aside again the next time he has a crisis?

To me dumping is about being sure that you and that person have no future together. Only a very selfish person would dump someone they liked rather than communicate.

[DrNick]

Cassiana, I understand why you are hurt, and I don't know the details of your breakup, so don't think this is me giving you advice, but sometimes spending time apart is the only way for the other person to deal with their problem. Also, in an emotionally charged situation, people sometimes say things they regret and then don't know how to recover. As you said, communication is the key, but sometimes we don't know how to communicate or we get swept up in the moment. In my situation I have given up hope, simply because there have been too many misunderstandings for there to be any chance of reconciliation. However, what irks me most is that I admitted I did something stupid, I apologised, and I get nothing back, not even acknowledgement. I don't want to be friends with my ex because I feel guilty, I want to be friends because even though we were never great as a couple, we were great as friends. I suppose life is never that simple.