Help with break-up that i don't understand

[Alec]

Before I start let me provide some back-ground. My girlfriend, I guess now temporarily ex if I understand her correct, has moved all her life. She lived with her dad from the time she was 2 till the time she was 16 when her parents got a divorce and moved to New Orleans. She lived in New Orleans most of her life, having a brief stop in Chicago for about 2 years. While in New Orleans she rarely saw her mother. She's had 3 boy-friends. And I believe this is where most of the problems come from.

1) First boyfriend was in Chicago when she was 14. He was a senior and had sex with a friend of hers at his graduation party. She tried off and on to work things out but never really worked. Now she moved back down to New Orleans.

2) Her second boyfriend was an ass, she is the type of girl who doesn't do sex, boyfriend coming over to the house with no parents home etc... He was really adament about those rules and resented her for it. He broke up with her on the beach when she came to supposedly meet him and found him with 2 other girls lounging in the sand.

3) Her last boyfriend she was real close to. When her dad left her to be with another woman who already had 3 kids he was there for her; however, he was an even bigger ass. He had sex with 3 of her friends, she had about a 2 month denial period and then finally confronted him about it. There was a long and hard break-up period where they tried to make things work but it just wasn't going to happen.

 

Now her mother came and got her, pulled her away from the people she was accostomed to in New Orleans and brought her back to her home-town in Mississippi. There she had a rough time in school trying to deal with everything. Everything seemed to go bad until she well.....met me. I became her shoulder to cry on, a good friend, and she admitted that she loved me. This brings you up to where I am now.

Lately she's been under stress, summer school classes, parntes making her work, and they are getting a new house she is nervous about because new homes haven't lasted long for her in the past. Well a week ago she talked to one of her friends in a visit to New Orleans and remembered alot of stuff about her past and now is having some kind of problem. She called me last night and said she was having trouble dealing with things, all things. That this type of problem she had had once before and the only way to deal w/ith it is on her own. She just couldn't have a boy-friend right now.

Here I am, I woke up this morning and thought we were still going out, and it hit me. I'm having a pretty rough time dealing with this because i'm confused to high heaven. I know I should probably talk to her but I told her i'd give her space to deal with her concerns, and that the earliest i'd call her is 4 days from now. So I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to lose her, not like this. We had too much going for us. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[amaranth_04]

If she needs the space, you've got to give it to her. Best thing for you to do would be to show her you're reliable and steady in her constantly changing life.

[OceanEyes]

A good thing to keep in mind with a girl like this is how unbelievably fragile she is going to be if she doesn't take some time, and get some of her past issues out in the open; with a therapist. She has serious issues, whether or not she will admit that to you or anyone else. Just what you have told me here is enough for me to know that she has lived a very difficult life, spending most of it never being able to depend on anyone. Also, every time she trusts and allows herself to love someone, they let her down or leave her. So you have to take into account that she is probably dealing with trust, abandonment and stability issues. This may sound like psycho-babble, but trust me, she's going to go through a very rough time in her life if she doesn't learn to get her past out of her, she's going to spend the rest of her life wandering and searching for love in all the wrong places. She needs to talk to someone objective, like a professional.

 

I think the best thing that you can do for her right now is to let her know you're there for her whenever she needs you. Write her a letter or e-mail telling her that you understand her need for space and time, and that whenever she feels ready to talk about anything or if she needs someone, you'll be there.

 

The worst thing you can do right now is get mad or upset about her need for space. Another thing to consider, is that you will probably never have a normal, loving relationship with her if you don't let her deal with her own personal issues first. Without understanding who she is and where she's come from, she will never understand where she's going. She's so used to having the people she loves, trusts and depends on leave or betray her that she probably thinks you'll fit right in there nicely. Let her know that you're not about that, and even though she may not believe you at first (not because of you), she will if you're persistent, patient and understanding.

 

Right now she needs a really good friend. Even though that might be hard for you to offer her, she'll see that there are people out there who will be there for her. And not disappoint her.

[NightLily]

Heh.. I can relate to this girl in many ways. I too have moved my whole life. The average amount of time for me to be in one place (I calculated this last night) is about 1.7 years. *sigh*

 

I know what she is going through and I can tell you that it isn't fun. Her time alone will hopefully allow her to heal to the point where she can be happy but I don't see how this would fix her problems. Like OceanEyes said, she probably needs a counselor (which is odd for me to say because I completely deny my need for one myself). Most likely, if she is anything like me, she can't even IMAGINE what it is like to be grounded in one place or to have a person you can depend on. She may not even know that she sees the world in a different light then everybody else. She may see the world as a cruel place where you have to look out for yourself because the "wolves" will get her if she doesn't. She may think.. everybody sees things this way.

 

I will be on the other side of the planet for the next month in a few days.. and then I am relocating on the other side of the continent right when I get back heh.

 

So, seeing as I too feel like her (most likely) I can tell you what would help me. Give her some space to think things through a bit but occasionally make sure she knows that she in on your mind and that you care. Offer to help her and if she allows you, try to be the "stable" friend. One that she can depend on to have a fairly even temperment and to be there on a regular basis (not a whole lot one week then gone). Also, try extra hard to try to gain her trust. With a person like this it could be harder. Make sure you are breathtakingly honest with her.

 

Just support her and be there for her and everything should turn out fine.

 

Take care,

SuzyQ

[Alec]

Thanks for the advice, I'm waiting on her to get out of a summer class she's taking that is also something that is stressing her out. I left her a message using some of the advice given to me by you guys. See how it works. I'm trying my best to stay supportive/ be a good friend, I had trouble doing that when this whole thing happened, my life isn't all that and a bag of potatoe chips at the moment either. See how it w*orks out.

[Alec]

*update*

I talked to her today. The true reason why she wants space and to be separated is because over the course of our relationship she's had alot of conflicts whenever it came to spending time with me. Stuff seemed to always come up, all of it she couldn't control. I told her I was fine with it but she feels guilty, add this guilt to the amount of stress she's under she just wants to feel better for a change. So that's why.

[Michael2]

Alec, you want my truthful opinion?

 

Well here goes. Her entire excuse is non sense. I know it hurts, but it is. WHen someone truly cares for you, I dont care what circumstance will arise, they will make time for YOU. Saying she feels guilty is a cop out, transfering her inadequate realtionship skills and loving nature onto you, telling you she feels guilty because she cant see you. COme on now. Think of this as a blessing in disguise. Its not fair, I know, but one day you will find someone who will be with you whenever necessary.

[Alec]

Welp I had a talk with her last night, summed up that I was her friend, and I'm not going to bother with it anymore. Best thing for me to do is leave her alone, if she wants something she can call me for a change. Which is how it should be. Thanks guys.