i Miss her so much

[Gilgamesh]

After a phone call a couple days ago, that seemed to break through the ice, my ex was a bit angry that I didnt pick up all the gifts I had given her over the years, and I said WHAT? i never asked for that stuff, they have no meaning for me, she told me a friend of mine told her I wanted all my stuff back, (a buddy that thinks he was helping me) so she kind of called down, I told her of my divorce plans, and also told her to remember all the good times we had, and she actually agreed, she said she will always remember them.

 

So thinking i broke some ground, i sent all those gifts back with a friend, with a nice letter explaining that these dont belong to me because they were gifts given to her with love etc.

 

well she did read the letter, but didnt accept the gifts, she said to take them away. now im heart broken again.

 

I know I should just move on but I still have some pathetic hope, until I make my final try in early april, I just wont be able to move on.

 

I love this girl so much, it hurts beyond belief. again the pain is unbearable as little by little im losing faith in it ever working out, this woman has shut her heart and has decided never to love again. she has completely shut me out of her mind as if i never exsisted, and we never had a problem, just dont get it.

 

I have to wait another 17 days, and I just dont know how im gonna survive, after the tel conversation of the other night, i was feeling so much better because she insinuated that there is no one else.

 

I mean how do you give up on someone that you know still loves you? she was so loving towards me that she just couldnt handle being with out me when i went on my trip in december/jan. its like she shut her heart off to handle the pain, in other words, in her mind me being gone was like being in a break up, and handle it by shuting everything out of her life, she quit school, the gym, she just has given up on her self, and the pain is unbearable, i want to rescue her, but i cant because im the one that got her that way.

 

I hope to wake her heart up with a marriage proposal, what she has always wanted, and what was telling how much she wanted me to marry her only weeks before the breakup, Its my last ditch effort, but think too much time has gone by and could be too late, she is trying so hard to get me out of her mind so as to stop suffering. she wont talk to her family about it, she just shut off all good emotions.

 

I want so much to hold her in my arms and kiss her, just one more chance to see if i can awaken the passion and love i know she has in her.

 

If i fail, I just dont know if i can handle it.

[sisterlynch]

Maybe I am coming in on the middle of all this but I am a little confused. You speak of an ex, a divorce and a marriage proposal, but you don't explain who they are with, all with the same person, 2 or 3 different people? I read it twice and I am not sure what it all means...I'd like to help, but I am not sure who all the characters are.

[Gilgamesh]

I have a wife, but been separated 17 years, my "wife"never wanted to give me a divorce, she once was for it, when she found some guy, but when she broke up with him , she stopped the divorce process.

 

Because of the laws her, I can get a divorce without her consent, now that our daughter is 18.

 

My ex-girlfriend has always wanted to me to marry her, its ïmportant"to her, she has said it many times in the past that she doesnt want a live-together relationship.

 

Now the break-up wasnt 100% related to this, but had a lot to do with it, i think she just gave up on me, I know she really loved me, but my last trip to the USA really got to her, as far as I know, she may have had a nervous break down, I know she did mention something about a treatment, I really dont know what the heck happened, only that one day she loves me as much or more than ever, and then a few days later its over, its like she flicked a switch.

 

In a couple conversations after the break up I asked her how she could just stop loving me like that, and she said that she never said anything about stoping loving me.

 

But then again she has been almost rude, as if i was some stranger, I know it hurts her to see me, she gets very sad and doesnt look me in the eyes,

 

Its just driving me mad, I still feel she loves me, but shes fighting her emotions with all her might, its that she needed me so much, and got really depressed and its like she went through the process of a break up the same pain everything, and just doesnt feel the same about me, shes almost afraid of me. but we never went 3 days without talking to each other.

 

I wish i never made that trip, ill regret this the rest of my life, please note its not the first trip, i do these business trips 2 or 3 times a year, but this time was different, it was christmas, she just moved in alone, and her ex was threatening her, even though she never told me anything, knowing her, she must have gone through some real hell, and somehow in her head she blames me. but she never gave me any indication at the time, always oh its tough, but im happy and "tranquilito" (tranquil).

 

I just dont know what i can do or say, anymore, like i said in the other post, my being single was something she always hoped for, you see her ex was also married from a previous and she would bring up from time to time how that was one of the reasons she stopped loving him because she felt he never gave her the ïmportance"of getting one for her.

 

So its my last ditch effort, Im doing it because its something i was going to do anyway, because I wanted nothing more for her to be my wife, its been a wonderful 4 years, and i cant imagine living without her.

 

If i was totally sure its over, i could move on eventually, but when its something like this, i feel im trapped, if i push it too much, shell just get angry with me, if i give up, she might come around and realize she cant be without me, if i had done something bad, or i felt she didnt care for me some how, I would just move on.

 

My meating with the judge is on the 2nd of april, by the 7th ill know if the divorce is aproved. thats when I will go to my ex-girlfriend and propose to her, its the only thing i can think of now, the fear that its too little too late, and that it wont wake her up to her opressed feelings.

 

Im not sure how ill handle a rejection, Im afraid I may not be able to handle it,. meanwhile sleep deprivation has me where i cant do much of anything, Im an technical Ing. and i cant concentrate , and am too tired for much of anything else. depression is an almost 24/7 affair, two months of this so far! and im just as bad now as before. i hope fate doesnt deal me another lousy hand. i need to win this.

[sisterlynch]

Get the divorce, but don't propose marriage right away. I think that you should not do anything like that for at least a year. It takes a while to be sure of all these things and I get the sense that you just aren't sure. One way to be sure that you can sleep is with Tylenol PM. That stuff works great! Start out with one and see how that is!

 

To get over the depression, I would move somewhere and see if you like it better there. The girl with all the ex's and doesn't look you in the eye doesn't sound very romantic to me! Take some college classes to help with the depression. The people in college tend to be happier than average. That will help you look at the bright side of things.

[TearsofaDragon20]

gil, i know that thngs here for you are hard and getting harder each an everyday. but dont propose marrage because if you get thrown down and she says no, then you will be in the worst state than you ever have been. i and everyone else dont want to see you get hurt than you already are gil. so becareful. be prepared for anything. because fate here will take over and it will not let you join forces with it. so just becareful and hang in there. look i saw it as that i didnt have a life after my, bt you need to be around your friends because they will help you and let you know that a life does exsist. take care buddy. later.

[juno]

Hi Gil. u once gave me and advice here and I've been following your story through your postings. It seems that both of you are going through a lot of pain because of your marital status.

 

And I remember u wanted to travel and give her a letter of goodbye. You said "I want her to start her own healing process then after that I'll know if I have a chance". You know, hope is the last thing we keep deep in our minds, dont u? and pain make us commit mistakes. well, as i see it she suffered some kind of abandonment cause she didnt want to start that process 'cause she cares for u. But in your own pain you wanted to push it hard. You know we sometimes want things to get ready just now, but that takes time man.

 

First get the d... divorce then I think is time for you to risk your heart once again and try to fix things by asking her if she wants to fix things and go to a couseling service together.

If she doesnt want to take a chance then you'll know the relationship is turning into a destructive one. Nobody really deserves that. Good luck.

[tmills0011607306452]

Gil! please don't be hastey! Things will look better. If she really loves you, give it time and she will come back. She broke up with you! You shouldn't have to chase her! She should be the one chasing you!

 

I have given up on my ex when I realized this. It is very unhealthy to constantly remind yourself of how things were. I even had some very grim thoughts about myself a few times. People like us do not deserve to be played with and then dragged along for the ride.

 

I know I still love her like anything, but I need to cease all contact with her, and move on. I need to get healthy! I am so tired of being sad and depressed every minute of the day. If she realizes that she made a mistake, she'll try to make ammends. If not, she will continue to sap you along. This is what my ex is doing to me.

 

Someone told me a great thing.... No lies, no hidden agendas, I just want a clean slate. You should to. It kind of stuck with me a little.

 

I know you love her, as I do my ex and everyone else that you have helped in this nightmare of ours with their lost loves. I'm tired of the hurt. I want to be that happy person again, before I met my ex. I want to be me again. That is my goal now, not getting back my ex.

 

Take care buddy and hang in there .