tmills0011607306452

I still do think about my ex and do wonder, but that's only to a point. I know how she's doing from brief encounters and from mutual acquaintances telling me how she is doing, so I get a pretty accurate idea. But it's nothing I would want to deal with, and in the end, it's just another reminder to myself "Why am I wondering about her in the first place?" I really don't take any satisfaction in actually finding out how better or worse she is. She made a decision when she left me, and that decision was to throw me away. It's been over a year, and I am in no hurry to run out to find out how she is doing. For me the name of the game is to make sure that I am doing better and not be bitter about the past.

I totally agree with Gilgamesh. Cheating is a choice. In the relationships I have been in that there was cheating involved, the people decided to hide it all together. Whether to save face from others, or to prevent me from getting hurt, I have been deceived another time. It really isn't that difficult to figure out if your prospective mate is cheating on you, but it is love that can overshadow the reasoning your brain has for these thought processes to deduce what is going on, and that also includes if/once you find out, would you take that person back.... So my answer is definatley no... Deception is not a quality I look for in a potential significant other. -T

Agreed with the above post!!! I found that zero contact was the only way I could get over my ex. There were many times I would get strung along and couldn't heal. I had to completely eliminate her out of my life. Yes, even now, I would love to have her in it, but in order for me to be happy I had eliminate that stress. Which was more important to me? Either trying to hold onto something that even then I knew was futile, or try to figure out how I could wake up in the morning and smile! There are days where I still wonder about her, but I quickly find myself now thinking of the cons from what she did to me and how I could be happy. Now, I enjoy being single again. Yes talking to "good" friends can help you out a lot! You'll get over it! Trust me!

Well, it would seem that I have started to try on-line dating. I am usually an out-going person in real life situations, but now I find myself coming up with blanks when it comes to chatting with girls on-line. I usually choose my words very carefully, and I hope the other person is not misconstruing my silence for an act of not being interested. It would seem that the other person is shy as well, as it is very difficult to try to get anything out of her at all! But I'm thinking of another approach. Talk to these on-line endeavors as if I were talking to friends or people that I know. Oh well. Anybody have any advise about similar situations. Also, when is the right time to ask someone out on a date on-line? It's funny how on-line dating has a completely different set of rules than real life!

I was in a situation when I found myself picking myself off the floor when my ex cheated on me. She lied to me for many months about it, but finnally came clean. When she did, she hasn't seen me for a while and complimented me on how I looked and how well it seemed I was taking care of myself. She still looked as stunning as ever.... I don't think the issue is with beauty, it a matter of getting bored and complacant with one person's mate, so they go out seeking new and exciting things, kind of like the first time when two people meet and kick off a serious relationship. Some people thrive off from that, while others are committed to make things works work out, no matter the cost. For my relationship, when the excitment wore off (for her, I was always excited to see her everyday! Well, not now! ) She was trying to meet as many men as she could and tried to hide it from me. Now she has a reputation amongst her social groups and mine. Everybody gets what they deserve eventually.. Me? I think I deserve a beer when I get off work!!!!

You know, at first I really hated being single. Especially after the nasty break-up that I had went through. I found myself trying to replace her every step of the way, but something inside me kept stopping me from even getting into anything that not only I would regrett, but I did not want to hurt the other person. After time, I found who I was again, and am enjoying it to some degree. In that process I discovered that friendships not only fill that void, but I rediscovered that those people define a large part of who you are. And through those people I can express myself, and my feelings and be happy again. It made me realize that one person cannot make you, or make you complete. It's been seven months since I have dated, and I do not forsee anything in the future. I have had many opportunities to go after women, but I hold back because I want to make sure that I am happy and realize that I am not alone in the least bit. I still have hard times, but at least I know that I am very happy doing the things that I love, and that no one person can replace or fill a void of who I am. As far as the slef esteem issue.... Find yourself. Then the self esteem will come flooding in. Trust me. I may not be that attractive to some people, while others find me very attractive, that's personal preference, but I do know that portaying the confindent, know who you are you, and things will look up!

Hmm.... This sounds very familiar! I have done everything for my ex, and she used that. Cheated on me and strung me along over the past 7 months. I wish I could say over that time I was getting over her, but I was just going through the motions. Until I was about to start a 20 day vacation to see my best friends accross the states. I decided to stop off at her work and drop her b-day gift I had bought for her previously since her b-day was approaching and gave it to her. I smiled in a cocky way that I knew she hates seing from me, and told her to take care and have a great life. Stepped out and went on my trip with no worries. This time I kept my foot down. And since visiting my friends, I find myself waking up every day a little more happy with myself. All I was doing was banking all of my life's happiness on one person with no return at all.... That is not worth it... 7 months of unhappiness!? I call it of 7 months of too much hurt. But for the first time, I feel that I have washed my hands of her, and also for the first time I can sleep without dreaming of her.

UPDATE: Well, that was great advise, but it did not prepare me for what I encountered. As I went over to her place and walked through her door, she broke down in tears. We talked for a while and she was deeply remoursful of what she had done to me. The discussions and mannorisms she had towards me indicated there were still very strong feelings towards me. She kept apologizing and crying. I'm still soaking all of what happened in. I haven't even sorted out my feelings yet from the experience. I know I still love her as the day I first said it. The things she said were genuine. The way she hugged and tried to stay as close to me as possible gave me that impression. I could have kissed her last night, but I held back. I really need to sort some things out for myself..... I think we will be back together, maybe soon, but I need to figure out my emotions first.

Well, I'm about to embark onanother emotional rollercoaster from hell!!! After 2 months of no contact, my ex has finnally contacted me. It all started off when my best friend who lives 400 miles away from me received an e-mail asking him to forgive her for what she did to me 4 months ago. (Cheated and lied to me) Well, being the best friend he was, he forwarded the e-mail to me. As soon as I received it I received a message from my messenger client that my ex has added me to her contacts list. (Weird!!!) One week later, I received a phone call asking me how I was doing and she told me how I was doing. I kept the conversation short and sweet. She asked me if we could meet up sometime, and I told her sure and ended the conversation. Well, twenty minutes later, I received a phone call asking if I would like to do something with her tonight. I told her I had a few plans and I would get back with her later on. It would almost indefinatley seem that she misses me. ***sigh*** Yes, I am going to cave in and go out with her. But so I may keep my sanity, I'll be taking her to a favorite lounge of mine. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and be strong, but it's just so damned hard!!! It will be interesting to see what thoughts are actually brewing in her head. I think she knows that I am definatley not interested in being friends, but who knows. Yes, I am still madly in love with her....But...Gotta keep my sanity! Sorry! Had to vent!

I guess I was three steps ahead in my thinking processes when I wrote my past post! I Should have explained my analagy! Sorry! I am in the air force. I have been in for just over 7 years now. I have left the dorm environment long ago. But there are a few social groups that continue this mentality that I know well into their upper 20's early 30's and some into almost their 40's. (Hence the Collage environment Analogy!) I'm past that phase, and I am the type of person that has to have a diversified life. My past post did not have the intention of patting myself on the back. I'm a very humble person, and I will admit my faults and have the mindset to correct them. But more so to prove that there are people out there that are great people and aren't boring. That was an unnecssisary flame...but thank you! I'll take my ignorance in the subject and kindly be quiet in my thoughts of what I do know and have experienced in life.

Hope you put your flame suit on!!!!! I have been told that I am a great nice guy by all of my significant others. Usually when I am in a relationship, I am surrounded by other females see what I do for my prospective mate. Usually they are attracted by that and tell me as well that I am the type of guy the are looking for, nice, considerate and very heartful. But also I am a very adventurous person. I do enjoy life and have to experience new things. I always try to expose my significant others to those type of things, but more so than often, I find myself with someone who is not as adventurous as I am, and would consider drinking all night long in a college environment other that trying new things. Why? Because these people are scared of life, or scared to experience things that are out of the norm for them. It has nothing to do with being nice at all or being a great person! I see way to many people take advantage of each other while being complacent and bored with their lives. I'm not going to be that way, but I'll be sure as hell not to sacrifice who I am, especially to anybody I am interested in. Me, adventurous? Yes. Great guy? I'd like to think so, that's what I am told by my peers anyway! So there are these type of people out there!

LOL!!! I was wondering the same thing about women!!! I have never found a great one yet (Since they all--exs-- seem to take advantage of me wearing my heart on my sleeve!) ! But as people say! They're out there! There's gotta be one that does the same as I do!

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you make goals that you can see yourself achieving. There are times where I feel that it's not worth going on...... But in exactly one year I will be off on a new adventure and a turn in life. It scares me, but it also gives me a huge sense of hope. About 4-5 months ago, I was cheated upon by whom I thought was my soul mate, I gave up friends who I realized only used me and really did not care about my well being. This left me feeling very lonely every day, and it gets worse day to day. But I have that hope and goals that I will meet in that year time period, so I will not cheat myself of loosing everything I have worked very hard at in life to just give into my depression. Keep pushing yourself even if you only have yourself. I keep telling myself that, and consitently try to make myself a better person by positive actions. Does it make me feel better? Not immediatley, but when I do find happiness again, I know that I didn't sit on my arse and just let life pass me by. Hang in there..

It's kind of funny that you say that! My problem is that I get involved with women who portray themselves with high self-esteem and/ or self-confidence but in reality do not. I end up building theirs up until they believe that they can (I hate to use this term) "fly on their own" because they think that they can do better. But I do try my hardest to make the best for the sake of the relationship. And in hindsight it still makes me feel very good to know that I am capable to do that. For jennrichttu I made the mistake of trying to feel validated by trying to go out and find someone. I did find someone who did not meet my standards in one bit. She was an attractive person, but definitely was not what I was looking for. I started to compromise myself, and in the end, I felt worse off than when I started. I kept the relationship strictly on a friend level, and tried my hardest to not hurt her by giving her incorrect impressions. I only sacrifised myself. In that case I was not strong. Now I chose to look into myself to better myself. I deejay quite more now and love music immensely; I kept in my mind that I do not need to replace my ex with someone else, but fill that hole with my passions. And you know what! My confidence in myself has tripled! Not only am I so much better at what I love to do, but also by being strong, it helped me rediscover who I was before the relationship. Yes I still have thoughts about my ex. But those thoughts are about the distant past of how I was not appreciated one bit for doing the sacrifices of myself that I gave to her; Now of which is a closed chapter in my life. Not only do I accept that, but also I embraced it. If no one can appreciate what you do for them or for who you are, THEN SOMEONE ELSE WILL!! I guess what I am trying to say is that by being strong, you eliminate that pain much faster. It's hard… I know… But before you find that special someone, (which you will!) You have to build yourself up again, and keep the lessons from your previous relationship to heart and use that as a standard! But keep an open, kind heart (Which I always seem to do…) Never settle for standards less than what you keep of yourself.. Period. I hope you do better soon -Tim

Hey! I'm a guy and I still struggle with moving forward and it's been 4 months since I got the ax!! We're not all bad!

Please be very careful with this one. My ex and I ran into each other and she complimented me on everything with me. Some time passes in the night and she decided that she wanted to talk. So after some talking we ended up kissing, but I ended up pushing her away and told her not to play with me. I want something real not someone playing with my heart. If you truly are sincere, please call me tomorrow and we will talk about this. A few days later she called and explained that everything that night was a mistake. And that we arent even on a friend level. Be very cautious. Even though your ex is having issues, she may be confusing real true feelings with missing you. Big difference.

Hey gil! Good to hear that you're still alive Yeah, your doing the right thing! I've been pretty much doing the same thing until last night! But when I finnally found "me" again, someone decided that she wanted to be in my life again. As this saga unfolds I'll let you know what's going on! (because there will be a saga!)

Thanks for your replies! Yeah, I had done a few things wrong in that relationship, but I did alot of thinking (again) about it and realized why it hurt when she laughed at me. She was a very controlling person. Wouldn't let me hang out with friends, complained that she never had the chance to spend time with me when I was going through school, and even before I found out she was pregnate, she was making wedding plans! She was even telling me after a month into the relationship that she WAS going to marry me! My mistake was that instead of letting her go, I held on and hid from these issue, I ignored them. Over all she was a very controlling person, and I took the abuse. And all of that pain just came flooding back when I had seen her! I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I'm in that phase right now where I am doubting just about every relationship I have/had either with a significant other, or with friends. I really wonder if it is possible to not only outgrow your friends, but with a place as well. It's very funny how the past can revisit you in ways anyone never thought possible and give you a total different outlook on things.

Well, with the demise of my recent ex and my relationship, I have tried all that I can to avoid her. Well, I continually run into her at friends gatherings. I can handle it very well! Even though she asks me not to ignore her and be friendly to her, then tells me she doesn't want to be friends at all. Well, how do I handle that? Ignore her completely. even though it hurts, it works. But This story is about another ex. Someone whom I almost had a child with. I was working a detail for an air show over the weekend, and the day was going pretty well. All until I glanced over and had seen her. By that time I had noticed that she had already spotted me. In walking by I politely asked how she was doing. In reply she laughed in an insane type of way (a cross between a nervous laugh and something else hateful) and continued on her way. This really made me hurtful inside. I began thinking to myself if I was ever the problem of many of the break-ups, or was there some other reason? For a while I blamed myself for many things in the past. Why I did the things that I have done for the better of ther relationships. But in that thought I realized that in all of the serious relations I have been in I have always strived to better one thing. Both of our lives, not only in for just the relationship, but for a prosperous future. I found a little peace in that discovery but found another grim problem lurking in the shadows. I find that many of my peers do not have the desire to push themselves forward in their lives. I find that even though all of us may not have the same interests, they are not willing to compromise their way of life for others, and are set in their cofortable clicks. I think what I am saying is that I have outgrown many of my peers and It hurts. I don't know, sorry for rambling, just trying to figure a common denominator between relationships and life in general I guess. But running into my old ex did hurt. It hurt more than running into my previous ex.

Well, here is an update on my breakup situation. Last Friday I was invited to an old friend's going away party. I was very hesitant to go since I knew my ex was going to be there. While there I met a very cool chika. We pretty much clicked right off the bat! The majority of the time spent was talking trying to get to know a little about each other. Then out of the blue, my ex shows up. For once I faced my fears and decided that I was still going to have a great time. The ex decided to act as if I never existed until we finally passed each other. She asked me not to act like an j-ass and ignore her. I explained that if she would likr to be nice to me, then be nice, otherwise I would prefer that she wouldn't play these childish games and pretend that we are friends. She seemed puzzled and asked what that meant. I told her she knew of my feelings for her and my desire to not to just have a friendship with her. She looked at me and said "I'm sorry." That was the last I have spoken to her that night. So I continued to get to know my new acquaintance and it would seem that my ex was making her presense known to this new girl. Jealousy had set in for her and she handled it very poorly. She ended up leaving the party very early in disgust over what she assumed was happening. This new female friend yesterday asked me if I could make her a mixed cd for her (She knows I dj), and I said sure no problem! After a few hours on the turntables and a mutual meeting for lunch I gave her the cd. I received a phone call from my ex explaining her grief of how she knew that she had heard one of my demos blaring from a few apartments down from hers. (This new friend and the ex are just about neighbors) She also expressed that I cannot win someone over by using and giving my talents. I told her that I wasn't interested in her opinions of me anymore because they do not matter. I think it is very funny how something she really didn't care about when we were together can really bother her now! Well, good for her. Maybe she can feel a little uneasy for a change!

Thank you all, I know this is all great advice. Last weekend, I was spinning at a club I resident once a month. (Anyone knows the buzz crew at trust in Baltimore! I dj there!) When someone behind the booth noticed that I was crying while contemplating my next mix. He knew what was going on without knowing my story... My ex knows that I have further myself ever since the break up artistically. I have release an EP as well as a single pressed into vinyl. She also knows that I can be whoever, and whatever I want to be without little trying. I am a very gifted person. And I know it makes her jealous. But what she can not accept is that for a while these talents were an output for the love I had for her. It was never wasted. It just fell upon deaf ears. I know you have to hit the bottom before getting better, and tonight, I think after all that has gone on (Look for my previous posts) I have something back that I haven't had in a long time. That little boy inside that likes to play so to speak. I know I can't talk to her. I have given time and time again to her which is well documented in those posts, and came up short. She even promised me that she wanted to work things out and cut me off. I think I have finally realized that it's not who is deep inside that you know. (My ex is atually a very sweet and caring person) But the situations that influence them before maturity takes control. (she fell victim to influence.) She called me tonight and still thinks that I am out to hurt her. I have been true to every promise and treated her well beyond better than anybody ever will. (I mean that... I gave up my passions, music, art, poetry and school, for the sake of the relationship... Please do not flame me... I did that to better the relationship temporarily, until she got over her depression.) I paid to get out of our lease in full. I paid in full for the rest of the bills that were left over. I even helped her move. Was this out of the ordinary of the relationship? No... After everything was said and done, I still continued to give the same, ever since the beginning. I believe that she is still holding onto the baggage of the men that have hurt her in the past. Yes it has devastated me. But know I know that she cannot learn that all men aren't bad right now. A few are very willing to give up everything without question, and have done so... But her past clouds her. I can't change her mind now. The best I can do is walk away. I pray that she can see me in the same light again someday. But all I can do is compose melodies about us for the time being amongst a crowd that can never understand the piercing notes...... Gilgamesh.. If yer out there buddy, any more insight? Of course other's are welcome too.. again thanks all!

Well, I haven't spoken to my ex in over two weeks now. I know she hasn't made any attempts to talkt to me either. I still hear stories about her, but I tell people that I am not interested in hearing them, and usually that helps a little. But at the beginning of this week I really started to think about her again. It seems that the pain is as severe as the day she told me it was over. I really have no motivation to do anything at all now. As before I knoew that I had to keep myself motivated in order to survive this ordeal. To get over this situation, I have tried to think about all of the negative things she has done to me, but in the end, all I think about is the positive. I have been through quite a few long-term relationships, but I cannot remember a time when the pain was this severe. It's been about two months now and it really doesn't seem that it is getting better. Nobody who has been the best that they possibly could be in a relationship should ever deserve this.

Great post! Yes that is true! I am trying so hard to get over my ex. It has been just about two months now, and people that know me continue to approach me and tell me what others have to say or what my ex has to say about me. That turns the knife a little too much. I try to ignore it, but this absolutely prolongs the healing process. I have completely given up any recreation spot that any aquaintence of my ex or mine visits. I have been trying to go to new place and do new things. But when all seems to go well, there is that random e-mail from somebody else that needs to stick their nose in. I am too old for this childish BS. I should at least be somewhat healed by now and being able to start focusing back on my life. So far I haven't talked or contacted her in 2 weeks. That part is going well at least.. sigh... I know it takes time.

Whew, this is so tough. After my ex left me, a found myself very lonely. Even after I realized that she was not the one for me. I work in an environment where I am not allowed to be friends with my peers, since I am enlisted and the rest of my peers are officers in the military. Also in my work environment, most of the day the only face I will see are those on the television. I then go home, and take a shower, and get ready to do something constructive in the evening. My roommates always ask me what am I doing, but are always seeming standoffish towards me. These people work in my squadron but are always on different shifts than I am so I rarely ever see them anyway. I have gone out and tried to meet new people around the area, but it seems that many people are so superficial that they only contact you when it suits them. One particular person I had taken a friendly interest in. I even invited him out to a few of my Dj gigs and even let him spin a few hours of my set to get him exposure. After those few times, I called him and left a few messages inviting him and his friends out, but to no avail, neither him nor his friends would call me back. It is reassuring that I know that I have a few great best friends spread out accross the states, but I wish that I could find a click again that can even spark my interests. After speaking with my departed friends, they reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me at all. It's just the people in your local area. I have never had a problem meeting people in the past. But now all of the sudden, I find myself just ending up jogging about 10 miles every night to pass the time, read a few chapters of a certification book and it is off to bed. It's as if I do not get excited about anything anymore. I know there's a lto to do in the DC area… I just wish I could find a group of friends to enjoy it with. One thing is for sure though. At least I'm not sulking in my room non stop about it. That would just make things worse.

I do understand what you are going through. I, myself have went through something similar. Yes, I would leave her alone. Do not call her, send flowers to her, or even design, buy and install her car stereo for her. When she calls you on your cell phone, do not answer it. When she calls you at work, be short and brief and do not make any plans to hang out as friends. This is the only way you will heal. Push yourself to do things to move your life forward; work out, get a tan, go to school ect... And after a few months give her a call to say hi. If she has the same attitude towards you, then the break-up is necessary. If she is affectionate, then maybe love will prevail. Please bury your hope right now. It will let you heal faster. If you try to get back with her now, you will not only allow yourself to get hurt, but you will also piss her of even more, and thus ruining any chance of getting back with her.. My ex strung me along for a while, until I had it. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I stopped talking to her. I feel myself coming back to the old me that enjoyed life, and wasn't depressed. take care..