One month in.....

[bones]

I broke up with my girlfriend of two years whom I love about a month ago. I am coping sometimes and not others. She says she just doesn't feel for me anymore and we've had all the rows and stuff that that leads to. Thing is I know I'm to blame cos I lost my temper with her once when I was drunk and instead of getting help then I just said sorry to her and it happened again. Since then she's not trusted me and that left me feeling insecure.

We argued a lot before we broke up and asked time and time again if she wanted to split up with me and she said no. When she split up with me it made realise what a fool i'd been and i'm getting counselling for drinking too much. I'm not an alcholic I just can't handle binge drinking. She has had a problem with drinking too in my opinion and when I suggested we try to stop drinking so much she got really angry with me.

We see each other and we are getting on much better but when ever I tell her how I feel she gets angry. I feel like i'm fooling myself she'll ever get back with me but she's my best friend in the world. She talks to me still and say's she doesn't want anyone and wants to be alone but stays in touch with me.

I'm trying not to pester her and let her get in touch with me if she wants at the moment. I'm trying not to think about the future and cope day by day alone. our friends have different opinions on whether we can ever be anything to each other. I've tried to explain how special she is to me and she doesn't mind that, it's only when i tell her i love her she gets angry.

I feel scared I'm relying on her yet if I walk away then I know it will be worse because I can't imagine how to cope without my best friend.

I want to be myself and be happy, I want her to be herself and happy. What I did drove a massive wedge in a relationship that was the best thing I've ever known. I want to make up for that even though I know we probably will never get back.

All I can do is be her friend and try and not cramp her. We live in a small town and have the same friends so I can't just not see her. The strange thing is mostly we've got on better and been more honest with each other and I feel like she still loves me (as in a friend) but the mess of the end of our relationship means she won't ever look at me as anything but the angry, possesive, abusive idiot I was.

At the moment I'm praying to god that I'll find some forgiveness for being a stupid awful person, that I can find love one day and that I won't lose her forever. I've been through break-ups but nothing like this because it's so complex.

Anyone got any opinions for me or questions. I feel like I need to talk to a stranger cos I'm sick of burdening my friends and my ex w/ my feelings and it's starting to ruin my social life.

[Beec]

Well, I think you need to think about what you want, then try to make that happen. But you also need to understand how to go about making it happen. Just because you want someonea dn tell them does not makem them want you. In fact, it often chases them away when they are not having those feelings. Think about how and why people fall in love. It's because someone treats them a certain way and asks for nothing or little in return. They show them love, they don't tell them first.

[bones]

I can't agree more with you. I don't know what I want really. I fell in love with her because I felt safe and secure and trusted her with my feelings and I think that was pretty mutual. I don't know if she can trust me again. I don't want to hurt her or myself because I have still got a lot of feeling for her and I don't know what it means. Am I looking for comfort or am I following my heart? It feels right to be with her but then we've been together longer than anyone else I've been with.

My biggest problem is I try to understand everything from her point of view. I believe her when she say's she want to be alone. I also want to move on in some ways because I don't want to be alone. but I'm scared I'd move on and it would say to her that I'm even more selfish than she sees me now.

I'm trying to make her see that we can have a life together that is not based around binge drinking and that I'm doing everything I can to deal with my issues for my own sake. I don't know if she will see that as enough. Time will tell I suppose. I feel if I met someone tomorrow who I felt a real connection with, a big part of me would be holding back because she's still in my heart. I don't know whether I want her there or not.

I know I do in the sense that if she could love me I wouldn't rather be with anyone. If she can't it's better for us both to accept we can't be friends.

The trouble is these questions take months to answer. At the moment she says to me - we'll never be together again.

I feel like the only way to change this is to give her space to breath, to think about what I've said to her which is pretty much what I said in the above post. I keep telling her over and over again the same thing and it pushes her away more. So I know the phrase - If you love someone let them go etc is true. I don't know what to do if I meet someone new - I don't want to fall in love again and then discover that I was right and she needed space and time cos that would be an awful situation to be in.

Hence why it's ruining my social life cos I'm fearful of meeting someone and being even more torn apart. It took me three ears before I felt ready to move on after my last serious relationship (which wasn't all that serious)

[Beec]

OK, let me interpret what you said, see if I get it right:

 

First and foremost, you want her, but right now she does not want you. You are trying to act in a manner that will allow you to get or will bring her back to you. Correct? If so, you are doing ok for now, but you probably should be figuring out a plan, or better yet a bunch of flexible plans, on how to get her back. It's called seduction, and it is not just about getting sex.

 

The thing you need to realize is the theory on why we fall in love. Generally, we fall in love with those who meet our emotional needs, while remaining independent and aloof. In a sense, it is a bargain. They give without asking in return. Then we really fall for what we cannot or might not be able to have.

 

So, if you want her back, you need to just give to her, give her what will make her feel great and feel special. Then ask for nothing.

 

Second, you don't want to move on, if you can still get her. So, you are holding back in your social life. Well, this is one of the best ways to kick in the third thing: if you date, she might lose you.

 

Getting all this done, probably requires you changing your thinking. Most of us today are elad by our media and stuff into thinking if we tell someone how much we love them or need them that they will come to us. Quite the opposite.

 

If this is what you want, you have some homework, reading, planning and shceming to do.

 

Any questions?

[RayKay]

If this is what you want, you have some homework, reading, planning and shceming to do.

 

Any questions?

 

I have questions! All you just said totally makes sense, and is some of the things I have seen around before, and I can DEFINITELY see how it works. Do you have any certain recommendations for the homework/reading and planning?

 

I am definitely planning and scheming for my own ex's return! We are on good terms, and do have some fantastic positive moments together, and I know that he is definitely "open" to something again in the future (he has some of his own issues to work on right now which were the reason for oour breakup in meantime though so he is ready to open his heart/mind again) so I guess those could be advantages. He already knows in retrospect that it was "him" and his issues that really forced us apart, but I can also see how I fostered those issues with my own emotional dependence. At this stage, we both know how things SHOULD of and COULD of been, and both have hopes of things working out in the future between us. I just want to know how to work those advantages a bit more in my favour!

 

Thanks in advance!

[Beec]

Well, I would start my reading with a few things, but I also would never stop.

 

If I had to boil down all one of you should know into a few short books, I'd pick a good one on body language, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People", The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and maybe "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You" by Leil Lowndes (I am looking at this now, so my decision is up in the air). Also do some web reasearch, take a look at the articles here and elsewhere, look at the free stuff on link removed, plug a few terms into a web search or three.

 

As far as Body Language, I don't think there is one book that's just great, but there are ones by R. Don Steele, Julius Fast and Susan Quilliam that are okay. We communicate much more by means other than our words. The way we say something contains more information than the words we say. And our body language says more than both of them combined. So being aware of what you are saying in your body language and being able to see what someone else, namely your man or woman or intended man or woman, is very important and really, really useful.

 

Finally, realize that no plan is fool proof. You lay down your best battle plans, make it as flexible as you can, then get into the fray. Sometimes you will win. You might lose. But knowing how to fight will make you more likely to win.

[bones]

O.k. heres the deal - she says shedoesn't want usto get back together yet whenever I ask if she'd like to do something, she runs to me really quickly. She is 'spending time' with another man but according to allsources there is nothing going on. I've pointed out to her that she has replaced me in her social life, i.e with this platonic relationship. He's not a problem long term cos he moves away soon and I do believe she's not with him.

Yesterday she said - 'don't ring me, I'll ring you' cos I was saying It worried me I was to dependant on our 'friendship' and then she rung me after half a day to say, 'i'm coming round' thereforeeee I don't trust her when she says she has no feelings for me. Why the hell does she want to come round - to watch me squirm?

Last nite I was thinking about asking someone out for a date - do I tell her this? Do I just go ahead cos I really wouldn't like to use this third person as a lever cos they're someone really nice. Is the mere thought I may be thinking of moving on enough to trigger her thoughts that she reallymight lose me. At the moment she's comfortable i.e has one guy as a friend to have a laugh with and one guy to make her feel safe.

She hasn't lost me and I feel strangely like she's determined to exert her control over the situation.

[Beec]

What's in her head is just not possible to estimate or predict. You need to do that, but you also need to examine her reactions and actions, both past and present. Do some reading and being to work on her, to figure it out.