Can't connect with anyone... Similar stories?

[asthesparrow]

Okay so to begin with, I had no idea where to put this thread, so it's probably in the wrong place. now, down to business. (sorry for bad grammar, my keyboard's broken)

 

All my life I have struggled to "connect" with people. Thinking back on past r/ships, I realised I didn't connect with my dates as much as I would like to. I think it was all revolving around physical attraction, or these guys would be so head over heels for me, think I am incredible, but I am sort of so-so about them (except for in one LTR, in which over long period of time I grew very attached due to the amount of time we were together I guess.)

 

So, in my life, (I am only 22 btw) I have felt a strong connection with 4 people in total. none of these people have been dates, all friends, but it makes me wonder, why don't I actually attract these people, why can't I date people like this, that I utterly connect with?

 

The first was at the age of 16. I met this guy who was pretty much all I loved in a person. We were almost scarily similar. We were inseperable, best friends for a couple years until a falling out... he became an alcoholic at 19, and changed entirely when he started dating a woman who was 41. I

couldn't get past how much he changed, so we haven't spoken since.

 

The second is a girl I met about 2 years ago, we aren't that close, hung out weekly in a group situation, never one on one, but I know she cares a lot about me, and I have so much love for her. She is so witty, intelligent, strong, and we have the best conversations. She's pretty much my ideal "best gal pal", only... we never got as close as to say, go shopping together, talk on the phone, etc. Can't really tell you why...

 

The third was a teacher of mine.... In highschool. He recently moved to London, and now we don't talk. I knew him for 6 years, and over this time, we /always/ managed to run into one another roughly every 6-12 months, and every time it was like, "He needs to be in my life." He really utterly understood me, totally inspired me (he was everything I wanted to be at his age, career-wise - he was 7 yrs my senior) and was so compassionate. He got me a job, was never flirtatious, or creepy, or clingy (as a friend), was so laid back, and, without a doubt, the most intimidatingly intelligent person I have ever met.

 

So basically what I'm thinking is that... Well, I've just moved miles away from where I've spent 22 years of my life. To a small country town, mind you... and I am kinda thinking that I won't be able to find anyone I connect with here. So far I've made a couple acquaintances, but it is clear I am very different from all of them... not to say I won't keep looking, though.

 

I am also worried that I will never, or not for a long time, find a guy I truly connect with, and love. What sets me apart from everyone else? Why am I so different? Why do I struggle to maintain friendships, although I try. Why do most people lose interest in me, or fade away after getting to know me? Why do I dislike, and have always disliked, so many personalities? I have always had lots of friends, don't get me wrong, I am an outgoing and likeable person, but I just cannot connect with people.

 

Any advice, similar stories, maybe you can answer some of my questions??

 

Thanks guys (:

[LightbulbSun]

It's funny, because I could connect with friends in high school, but since I was so insecure about my looks, I never connected with girls. Now I can't even make a new friend. I've tried, and they all end up to be fair weather friends.

 

So to answer your question, I'm in a similar boat. However, I've never connected with girls at all, so I've never even had a first kiss or first date at 27.

[asthesparrow]

It's funny, because I could connect with friends in high school, but since I was so insecure about my looks, I never connected with girls. Now I can't even make a new friend. I've tried, and they all end up to be fair weather friends.

 

So to answer your question, I'm in a similar boat. However, I've never connected with girls at all, so I've never even had a first kiss or first date at 27.

 

Wow. See, I rarely connect with girls, either. I find so many qualities in "typical" girls so unnattractive. I don't (rarely) wear makeup, I only fuss about my looks when I'm trying to make an impression, I am quite stubborn, I am opinionated, and maybe... I'm a bit bossy, but I know when to back down.

I think it's mostly my age group, 20-25. While I do enjoy sex, and partying, I find myself /hating/ women my age that are 24/7 flirty, throwing themselves to every guy they know, and obsess over themselves. I should mention that I am bisexual, and never have I met a girl that is "date material" (well, I have, but they've all been straight) so I have entirely given up on meeting women ):

 

To be honest, these are the only women I ever meet properly. and, unfortunately, I have never had a "best" female friend, which I think is important for a young girl my age. I WANT that gal pal I can shop with, get drinks with, call when I'm crying or sad, etc....

 

Why don't you think you connect? Is it personality? The way you express/hold yourself? The fact you might not be trying? Do you have any idea?

[OntheWire]

I'm guessing your don't put yourself out there emotionally as much as you should.

[pinkelephant]

Not to be mean or anything, because I certainly feel like you do from time to time.. but I do wonder, is it because you're judgmental? These girls you speak of, are they really self-obsessed, flirty 24-7 and throwing themselves at guys? I knew girls like that in my freshmen year, but we didn't keep in touch other than facebook. I assume you go to school. I'm sure there has to be a couple of studious girls that you could start a conversation with. Perhaps those girls are more adjusted, who also don't wear much make-up?

 

And perhaps this is why I'm hyper-sensitive, but I get labeled as one of those typical girls because I look really girly (love dresses!). A lot of people write me off as a bimbo, but I'm actually really smart, opinionated (although, I don't share in a crowd or with strangers unless it is out of line and directed at me). So, maybe give those girls a chance. Maybe?

[asthesparrow]

I'm guessing your don't put yourself out there emotionally as much as you should.

 

I don't really understand what that entails, and how I do that.... I've never asked anyone if I do or if I don't, so I have no idea what my old friends would say... But I express myself very openly in my opinion...

[Shallow]

Wow, I just did a thread about this last night.

 

I'm twice your age and feel pretty much the same way. I've only really had that connection with one person . . . ever, and we never really "dated" per se.

 

I attribute it to the fact I'm a bit quirky and closed off, but I was then too, and she was able to see through all that. I also reckon it's a faster paced lifestyle now, and people just don't have the time or patience to deal with any of that.

[asthesparrow]

Not to be mean or anything, because I certainly feel like you do from time to time.. but I do wonder, is it because you're judgmental? These girls you speak of, are they really self-obsessed, flirty 24-7 and throwing themselves at guys? I knew girls like that in my freshmen year, but we didn't keep in touch other than facebook. I assume you go to school. I'm sure there has to be a couple of studious girls that you could start a conversation with. Perhaps those girls are more adjusted, who also don't wear much make-up?

 

I don't go to school anymore, I finished last year, so that's the kind of environment I am used to. I am judgemental, but I do believe most girls I've been close to have been exactly like that. At school there was one woman in my class who was similar to me from the outset. She was 36, married, wasn't interested in meaningless conversations about who hooked up with who, and what drugs were taken on weekends past, so I liked her a lot! But, she never liked me. She was civil, and would talk to me when I spoke to her (trying to build friendship), but most the time she would scowl at me or ignore me, barely make eye contact.

 

There was one other girl, my age, I liked her, although all our conversations revolved around her boyfriend, what she had (or hadn't) eaten that day, and she was rarely ever at school, I think she had depression or an eating disorder, she always did her work at home..

Every other girl was annoyingly loud, talkative, disrespective of our lecturers, and quite frankly, spoke about sh**, all the time. ):

[LightbulbSun]

To be honest, I'm the same way with guy friends. I had both female and male friends in high school, but since I graduated 8 years ago, my social skills have been going rapidly downhill. The few 'fair weather friends' I made were girls, but they of course don't want anything to do with me anymore.

 

I think I don't connect because of social anxiety. Whenever I'm out in public, I...act weird. I don't act like myself, because of the anxiety and panic attacks. And then people drop you, because they don't want anything to do with someone who acts nervous and weird all the time.

 

I've always been shy, but I had my first panic attack when I was 22. And since then, I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I'm on medication, which helps a bit, but doesn't really change the anxiety to the point where I feel comfortable talking to people.

[asthesparrow]

Wow, I just did a thread about this last night.

 

I'm twice your age and feel pretty much the same way. I've only really had that connection with one person . . . ever, and we never really "dated" per se.

 

I attribute it to the fact I'm a bit quirky and closed off, but I was then too, and she was able to see through all that. I also reckon it's a faster paced lifestyle now, and people just don't have the time or patience to deal with any of that.

 

Yeah, I see myself as a bit weird (who isn't?), not afraid to hide who I am, but definitely quiet and reserved. It really does take awhile to get to the bare bones of who I am, but only a few people bother to try ):

You feel this way too??

[CntJstSitArond]

It's funny, because I could connect with friends in high school, but since I was so insecure about my looks, I never connected with girls. Now I can't even make a new friend. I've tried, and they all end up to be fair weather friends.

 

So to answer your question, I'm in a similar boat. However, I've never connected with girls at all, so I've never even had a first kiss or first date at 27.

 

this is like me too except I don't think I was ever really good at connecting with people. I'm 23 and have never kissed or been on a date either. The friends I had in school were friends that my brother made, I kind of just tagged along and some of them accepted me after a while of rejection. I don't get along with him now though. I can't make friends on my own, I only have one friend now I hardly ever see. I can't talk to him about anything lose to serious. My physical appearance I think holds me back too...

[asthesparrow]

): I'm sorry you have to live with that. Anxiety can be totally crippling, and no one can understand unless they've been in your shoes.

If it's any consolation, I am outgoing and only slightly shy, yet I can't make friends either. I feel I can only be myself around some people, a very few amount of people. Right now I have no friends, thus, no one to be myself around, except myself. (luckily, I like alone time)

[LightbulbSun]

): I'm sorry you have to live with that. Anxiety can be totally crippling, and no one can understand unless they've been in your shoes.

If it's any consolation, I am outgoing and only slightly shy, yet I can't make friends either. I feel I can only be myself around some people, a very few amount of people. Right now I have no friends, thus, no one to be myself around, except myself. (luckily, I like alone time)

 

Thanks.

 

I'm an introvert by nature, and like spending time alone, but I also really enjoy being around people. I've always been shy, but before I started getting panic attacks, I actually liked socializing. Now it's just a chance for me to embarrass myself, and worry about embarassing myself next time.

[asthesparrow]

Thanks.

 

I'm an introvert by nature, and like spending time alone, but I also really enjoy being around people. I've always been shy, but before I started getting panic attacks, I actually liked socializing. Now it's just a chance for me to embarrass myself, and worry about embarassing myself next time.

 

That's a real big shame, I have felt exactly like that in periods of my life, but recently, having moved to a new place, I feel more confident in being myself, because it's a "fresh start" clean slate, you know? And I think, if I can go out, and be myself, and embarrass myself, but at least one other person can still like me, then I know they are genuine.

You have to realise that everyone has a fear of embarrassing themselves... Sometimes we just have to throw caution to the wind.

I think if you tried socialising more, it will become easier over time...

[Sparkly Eyes]

My story is a little similar to yours. I actually can connect with people easily and used to have a lot of friends, but I have a hard time finding people that I'm attracted to (mentally and physically) for dating who are also attracted to me. If I like someone to the point that I want to date them, which happens very rarely, I keep it to myself and if they don't take the initiative, we can never get together. I too fear that I might not find anyone I really like again.

[OntheWire]

I really think fear is the reason most people never find real happiness. We all have fears and always will. But there's a choice...face them and find courage, or don't. The former leads to happiness, the latter to misery. I think it's really that simple and it really is that black and white.

 

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." --Dune

[Shallow]

It really does take awhile to get to the bare bones of who I am, but only a few people bother to try. You feel this way too??

That's pretty much my life in a nutshell, yes. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's because I'm too complex and misunderstood, or so shallow that there's not much to understand. I'm still leaning towards the former, as everyone around me seems to be so happy doing things that I think are mundane and/or superficial (making small talk, going out drinking, having casual sex, that sort of thing). Emotionally, I just don't connect with anyone, which is not usually a concern for a guy, but it is for me.

[asthesparrow]

That's pretty much my life in a nutshell, yes. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's because I'm too complex and misunderstood, or so shallow that there's not much to understand. I'm still leaning towards the former, as everyone around me seems to be so happy doing things that I think are mundane and/or superficial (making small talk, going out drinking, having casual sex, that sort of thing). Emotionally, I just don't connect with anyone, which is not usually a concern for a guy, but it is for me.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself. You summed me up loosely, too.

At least we now know there are people like us out there, we just have to find them

[anna0511]

Your post reminds me so much of what's been on my mind lately, it's scary. We all have different level of complexities and I think it's a challenge for everybody to find that special connection that allows you to be totally at ease with another person, whether the relationship be platonic or romantic. I've never had any difficulties making causal friends/aquaintances or attracting guys, but I can count the number of people that I've felt such a genuine connection with on one hand. Once I do though, I hold on to them pretty tightly and do everything in my power to nuture the relationship. I think those people are soul-mates, in a sense, people with whom you'll have a life-long relationship with. They are extremely rare and they cannot be taken for granted.