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everything is wrong and i need help


BreatheMe

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I don't post here very often but i really need some guidance. I'm sorry if this is long... I don't know how i am going to explain it all in only a few paragraphs.

 

It started when i was 12. I was sexually assaulted. Now i am 16 and until 6 months ago, i was in denial about it for 4 years. 6 months ago, i was in a situation which reminded me of it which made my come out of my denial stage. From then on until now, i have felt so many strong, crazy emotions about it that i have only really just began to understand. First it was guilt, then i would go through cycles of anger, anxiety and feeling empty and depressed.

 

In a way, things make sense more than they did before. Now i understand why i did the things i did, and felt the emotions that i felt the years after it happened. I won't go into details, but i self harmed, and at the time i didn't know why. Also, i am scared of men. I can't get close to guys and i've never had a boyfriend because i completely panic if they ask me out and i get angry and push them away. At the same time, I'm clingly and needy. I don't mean to be. I don't want to be but i can't help it. I realise now that all of that is because of what he did. I never told anyone until 6 months ago. My family still don't know.

 

I really, really need to talk to someone. I think i need professional help. I just want to understand why i feel the emotions that i feel. Recently, the anger has been replaced with grief and i keep crying, but it feels positive, like i'm finally dealing with it. Things are so hard though. I feel so emotionally tired. The last 6 months, i have been trying hard to carry on regardless of everything, but it seems like suddenly i'm broken, and i can't do it anymore. I feel like i have lost all of my strength. There is a pain inside of me that i have carried all of these years, and it's weighing me down so much. It hurts so much. I want to live again. I want to deal with this so i can get on with my life.

 

I just feel like i am going crazy. Two weeks ago, i cut myself and it bled so much, i was terrified. I said i would stop, and so far i have done well, but the urge doesn't go away. The last two nights, all i have been able to think about is inflicting pain on myself some how. I almost OD'd last night. I don't want to die, i just wanted to be taken to hospital so someone could save me. I know that sounds messed up. I just feel like i can't wear a mask anymore, i can't put the effort in because i am broken and i don't have the strength to hide it anymore. Now, i am scared of being by myself because i can't stop thinking about cutting, drugs, not eating... Anything that will get me the help i need.

 

When i go back to college, i am meant to see a counsellor, but i'm now not sure if i can wait another two weeks. My anxiety is back. I don't understand why i'm feeling like this. Is this normal for someone who has been sexually assaulted? I haven't talked about it for so long that i'm scared it's made me have some kind of break down.

 

Please, someone help me. I am terrified. I need answers and i need to know what i have to do to get my emotional strength back. I want more than anything to move on and get on with my life.

 

Thank you for reading this.

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Hey,

 

First things first...There is a solution to your problem and i m confident you can get rid of it..

 

1. It creates more pressure within (and therefore anxiety) 'cos you are kinda feeling guilty abt something but havn't disclosed it to anyone yet. I suggest, you should at least talk to someone very close to you. (esp. mother/any mature friend).

2. It is advisable in such a situation that you should go meet some professional who can guide you and help you get out of this. But meanwhile, you should talk-out to someone close. You will feel relieved.

3. There is no point in harming yourself.. You are not the only one who has come accross such a situation, there might be a lot of them. The only difference is that you had the guts to talk abt it, others fail to do that. Sooner you realize that hurting yourself is pointless, the sooner you will get out of this.

4. Immediate exercise u can undertake when anxiety is at peak - Take a paper and a pen, write down all that is bothering you one by one (be it anything crazy). You might feel lil better after u pen down all ur thoughts. Then, imagine someone who is come to seek your guidance for all the problems you've listed down. Write down the solutions on the other sheet.

 

I am sure this will help you gain lot of relief and confidence to deal with it. You can later consult a professional and discuss all of this. I believe you will be able to get out of this mess and will infact be in a position to help out someone later who feels the way you were feeling until now.

 

Good luck..

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