Tired of Having a One Upper Boyfriend!

[KeepMe]

Well my boyfriend and I will have dated for a year this June. A year is a long time, and I'm glad we have made it this far, but there are a few things I can't stand. I don't even know how to take these things, how to bring them up to him, or if I should even put up with it in general.

 

First off, he is a huge one upper. His friend ex-coworker is a big believer of "this is a mans world." Of course when I mentioned how silly that was he agreed. Although my boyfriend is a little bit' like that, and I'm starting to think it's a little more than he actually admits. When I use to work with him, I got really upset with him. I worked at this place longer then he did, yet he managed to always direct me, tell me what to do, and how to do them. I was even higher rank than him, yet he still bossed me around.

 

I find him sometimes treating me like I'm his daughter, some of the things he says just makes me sound like I'm so incredibly young. There is only a smidge three year difference between us.

My boyfriend also tries to be the more "civilized" person, he thinks it's okay for someone to have a different opinion then him ... or so he pretends. In actuality he HATES when someone disagrees with him, and since he is "comfortable" with me, he REALLY dislikes when I do it. Today we were talking about a game we play and how this game makes a lot of income. I mentioned that it was silly that they make so much money off of a fake game and he replied with "That was a very stupid comment you just made, anyway as I was saying..." That really pissed me off, there was no need in that.

I notice that when I don't agree with him he tries his hardest to make me feel small about my opinion. He immediately cuts it down and shoots off with "Well that's just stupid," or "Well that doesn't make any sense." He tries his hardest to sound as smart as possible so he goes into great detail to defend his opinion when really he sounds like an idiot half the time. (I do love him, lol)

 

It's silly to even bring this up but in our game it's basically about leveling. I'm an independent person, I like to figure things out on my own. He gets furious when I find something better then him, or I know remotely close to what he knows about it. Today for instance he was going to do a run with me, and collect some stuff. He realized that this stuff was incredibly good, and could possibly make my character better/stronger, so he asked his brother to run the both of us. I knew immediately that I would get the left over junk, and he would get the awesome stuff.

If I play without him and level he gets mad that I don't wait for him, however he will play with out me and make sure he is two levels higher then me at all times. The whole point to his character was to start new since it's my first time playing. We've been playing about a month, and instead of trying it new with me he has to go in and cheat and get all these cool weapons that make him 50 times stronger than me, just so he can be the better person. It's really silly I know, it's just a game, but it gets old. Especially cause' he is like this at all times, not just with a game.

 

Last but not least he is getting physical with me, and I'm not putting up with it any longer. I never shout, and call him anything, when we get into squabbles. I don't even make a huge scene, I simply just get a little pouty, and prefer to do my own thing. He forces me to speak to him by jerking me by the arm/wrists. Anytime I move away from him he jerks me back toward him, and won't let me go. The other day we got into it of course about the game and I decided I wanted to get off and watch television. He jerked me by the wrists and yelled "What is your deal?!" I said "Don't jerk me" well he told me no and continued to grab me when I moved so I got hostile and told him not to put his hands on me. He got to the point where he started to push me, and I pushed him back (this sounds so immature I know) and finally told him to get the * * * * off of me.

I started to watch television and cool off about what just went down. He jerked the remotes out of my hand and sat in front of me blocking my view. He yelled "It's just a game!" and by that point I wasn't mad at the game, I was mad at the way he was treating me. My dad asked what the problem was and he started telling my dad how it was all my fault, and I was mad at a game. I told them both that I wasn't mad at the game, I was mad that he kept shoving me, and grabbing me. My boyfriend said "I didn't even freakin' touch you!" and I said "bull * * * * " and he was like "that's right! bull * * * * !" and got my dad to believe that I was making the stuff up.

 

This sounds totally trashy, and an unfit relationship. Of course I'm only describing the bad things, and not the good. We really are a cute, good, couple. My boyfriend isn't the devil, he can carry himself really well. He told me before he use to be a huge angry person, and he can really be an * * * * * * * . I use to not believe it, but I'm sure seeing it now! He is usually a true sweetheart, and we get along more often then not ... I don't know what to do...

[Sanesoul]

Ok, I read up until the point where he was jerking your arm/wrist.

 

This is abuse and should be unacceptable to you. He can break your fragile wrists every time he does that.

 

It will only get worse, I assure you.

[coyote1980]

Sounds like my ex. You better run soon. Even the gaming part's the same.

Do you play wow? he used to get all of my loot except for stuff he can't use. Anyway...

 

"My boyfriend isn't the devil, he can carry himself really well."

I used to keep telling myself that, and I somehow tried to ignore his bad side which was probably way more than gf should handle.

 

If he loves you, he should NOT make you feel small. You should be able to have a mutual conversation. He will respect you, your opinion, your body, your everything.

He would not change.

[wayoverit]

This is the kind of person who will blame his closest person for his own failure. watch out!

[Salicia]

With that type of abuse, it's bound to get worse. He doesn't have a right to get physical with you and twist your arm. Get away from him why you still can. Don't revert back to the "cute little couple" label because doing that is only making you not want to end the relationship.

[KeepMe]

Sounds like my ex. You better run soon. Even the gaming part's the same.

Do you play wow? he used to get all of my loot except for stuff he can't use. Anyway...

 

"My boyfriend isn't the devil, he can carry himself really well."

I used to keep telling myself that, and I somehow tried to ignore his bad side which was probably way more than gf should handle.

 

If he loves you, he should NOT make you feel small. You should be able to have a mutual conversation. He will respect you, your opinion, your body, your everything.

He would not change.

 

Yeah that's what we've been playing, lol. And he always has to be better then me, drives me nuts!

[KeepMe]

Thanks to all that has responded, I know ... I kind of figured the "physical" would get worse. It's not completely bad, it's rare when it happens but when it does it infuriates me. It's something I'm working on putting a stop to, in fact he hasn't been physical in a while, the last couple arguments we've been into he actually stopped. I still don't get my hopes up, and never doubt him that it won't happen again. I told him how I felt about the physical side, and he is doing better. I believe in giving people a second chance. It's not like he has slapped me or hit me, I know that it shouldn't wait to take it that far.

 

I just figured I would give him a last chance thing, and if he "ever" puts his hands on me again it's done. I doubt his actions toward being better all the time because he's a "guy" won't change, I guess it's up to me now to decide whether or not it's a deal breaker for me. =(

[SarahRose]

I spent 20 years married to someone like that.

 

Good looking tons of charisma but to me and the kids he was a first class horses arse.

 

What are you asking here?

 

I think you already know you are being abused by this guy so why are you still with him?

 

Don't waste your young precious life on this a hole. You can do much much better.

[KeepMe]

I spent 20 years married to someone like that.

 

Good looking tons of charisma but to me and the kids he was a first class horses arse.

 

What are you asking here?

 

I think you already know you are being abused by this guy so why are you still with him?

 

Don't waste your young precious life on this a hole. You can do much much better.

 

I completely understand, I guess I'm hopeful for a change. As I said before this sounds really trashy, and unfit, this is stuff that happens not very often at all. We don't fight much, it's mainly him just trying to be better all the time that I'm annoyed with.

I mentioned about the jerking of the arms because I was curious if this was minor. I know that sounds childish, naive, down right ridiculous, and makes me sound like fool ... but this is my first time ever dealing with something like this. I've never had this happen, and if I were giving advice I would say the same thing.

I guess I'd hate to see a relationship go down just because this happens maybe once a month? Especially if it's something he can change, you know? I know I'm digging myself a hole

[SarahRose]

I completely understand, I guess I'm hopeful for a change. As I said before this sounds really trashy, and unfit, this is stuff that happens not very often at all. We don't fight much, it's mainly him just trying to be better all the time that I'm annoyed with.

I mentioned about the jerking of the arms because I was curious if this was minor. I know that sounds childish, naive, down right ridiculous, and makes me sound like fool ... but this is my first time ever dealing with something like this. I've never had this happen, and if I were giving advice I would say the same thing.

I guess I'd hate to see a relationship go down just because this happens maybe once a month? Especially if it's something he can change, you know? I know I'm digging myself a hole

 

Abusers never change. Never.

 

I thought like you that he really didn't mean it and it didn't happen that often and I thought he would change.

 

I wasted, yes wasted 20 years of my precious life waiting for him to change. He never did.

 

I wish I would have left the first time it happened.

 

We've been divorced 6 years now and he is still an arse.

[anggrace]

The arm grabbing and shoving is obviously a good reason to be extremely weary of this guy. You know that. I agree with the others that this alone should cause you to reconsider your relationship with him, atleast.

 

On the other hand, I think his belittleing you and constantly one upping you can really be a big danger too in itself. People like this will wear you down. Your self-esteem will gradually lower and you won't even realize it's happening until you find yourself asking why you can't get yourself to leave this controll freak. You'll make excuses for him to make yourself feel better for staying with him and continue on the downward spiral.

 

This is not a loving man. He sounds like a real butt-head, to put it nicely

[monkeygirl12]

I am in the same situation ALMOST (we dont game, or the physical NOW but in the beginning he would grab, shove whatever to make a point)

 

But my bf is angry and just yesterday we got into an argument and he called me small minded, he said eff you's and refused to talk to me after it.said to leave him alone etc etc...(i didnt kno what was going on)

slept on the couch, TWITTERED HOW HE FELT (BUT WOULDNT TALK TO ME) then when I started gettin ready for work this morning he came up to bed to sleep. (WTH)

 

I am planning to not speak to him and go away for the weekend with kids and my mom so I can clear my head and Im still not going to speak to him, if he does Im going to tell him I NEED SPACE AND I NEED TIME TO THINK.

 

they will ware you out mentally like the above poster, and its HARD TO LEAVE...sad sad sad... its been almost 2yrs of HIS UP & DOWN UP & DOWN

 

 

Be careful

[geekgirl4]

All I can say is: be careful.

 

You want a partner that makes you feel good and comfortable - not belittling you at every turn and trying to one up you. That's something little kids do and it's a bit alarming that he hasn't grown out of that. But, I think it's something that can be overcome if you talk to him about it, seriously talk about it. The wrist jerking is alarming as well. If these "little things" bother you and he doesn't do anything to change them, I think they will become more than little things to you and just turn into flat out irritation and anger. Before it gets worse I think you need to tell him these things. As for the wrist jerking thing, I think if it happens one more time you should reconsider if staying with him is worth it.