I dont know if my boyfriend is gay and I need help figuring it out. please, help me

[ashleyisnthere]

Hi,

I have been in a wonderful relationship for 3 years. My boyfriend treats me like gold, does everything he can for me, listens to me and laughs with me. He is my very bestfriend...

But there are some issues that I cant shake away. 2 years ago my mother found a gay porno site in our history apparently after Russ was on it. When I found out I decided to ask him about it casually by asking what type of porn he likes to watch and I gave him examples of the porn I'll watch sometimes. He very quickly said he loves to watch girl-on-girl. He doesnt even like the site of penises when he watched porn. I was satisfied with this answer, although unsure why the sight of penises was so disturbing to him. The gay porn site made sense now. (side note: in the beginning of our relationship I wondered if he was gay).

As our relationship progressed my mom confronted me saying that she believes my boyfriend is gay but doesnt know it yet. She and I got into a big fight over it. I, now slightly afraid, told my boyfriend what my mom said and asked him if he ever had homosexual feelings. I told him I would be understanding if he did, I'd only get angry if he's lying to me. He became upset. He said people in the past (his ex g/fs) all accused him of being gay. He said that this was a touchy subject because he always felt like he had to defend himself on this, he said he was not gay at all. I was nervous once I realized other women were picking up on gay vibes from him. However, I tried to let my worries go, since he had point blank said no.

Then came this older man/photographer. My boyfriend is a photographer and a man, who was never married and had extremely homosexual mannerisms, offered to teach him some things about photography. I was all for it at first, but then things started to get weird. He would always talk about how simular he and the older photographer were. How they understood eachother really well. My mom started saying something wasn't right about his relationship with the photographer. He was always over that guy's house, sometimes he'd even chose to hangout with him over being with me. I started to get worried, always hearing my mother in my ear and knowing that the photographer was most likely gay. I told him that I wanted him to stop going over there. He stopped after me harping about it a couple times. The guy wrote a long, angry message to my boyfriend how he thought they were friends and how he felt abandoned in a way (they had been working on a project). It sounded alot like a angry significant other, even though there wasn't any mention of anything other then friendship.

Things started to go back to normal, and I started to blame my mom for my paranoia.

That is, until recently...our sex life has gone down the tube. He used to be a romantic, adventurous, and attentive lover...but now he seems uninterested in sex. He says he's been really stressed out so thats why he's been so inimately distant, but I don't know. I always ask him if he's attracted to me and he always says yes and then lists what he physically loves about me. Sex has been so dull, though. I try to spice it up, but he doesn't react with too much enthusiasm and he doesn't last very long anymore. He gets an errection really easily, so I do believe he's attracted to me, but sex has never really had that desperate, raw, wild factor that I love. Sometimes he seems so self contained during sex. I dunno...I'm ranting...

Anyway, he also talks alittle bit like a stereotypical gay man, he takes longer then me in the bathroom and he has hid things that he's done with other women from me in the past.

Should I be worried, or am I obsessing?

Thank you so much for reading, I need some advice

Ashley

[Speranza]

Wow Ashley, what a worry! I can't tell you (I assume you meant it was lesbian porn on the comp? But if so, why did that make your mum think he was gay? Did she think he'd been on the male bit?)

 

I was married to a gay man for a very long time and all I can say is, it's not great for either of you if he IS gay.

 

He's certainly being defensive - but then NOT being gay but being continually accused of it could make you that way...

 

I know a few guys who act pretty effeminate and are 100% straight. However the fact he hasn't talked about past women and the thing with the older man are a bit suspicious... You say he tells you all the things he loves about you - does he SHOW you?

 

It sounds anyway as though your relationship has reached abit of a crisis point; his behaviour has changed for whatever reason so it's probably going to be best to sort this out.

 

My Ex HATED being gay and did love me and didn't want to let me down. He was in very very deep denial and asking him outright didn't always get the answers I needed. With hindsight I think I would have told him that he could count on my love and friendship (I thikn you said you'd said something like this? Say it again!) but that for both our sakes he needed to be honest.

 

I don't know if the gay guys on here would agree - and it certainly isn't a criticism, but I'm aware it's a generalisation - some of the gay men I know have spent so long living with a secret that lying has become a sort of habit beyond any moral issue. It's just what they DO around their sexuality. So he may not even be able to really talk honestly.

 

You obviously can't just leave things like this though, and if you still love each other then you certainly need to get through this. Perhaps you could suggest that you talk to a counsellor together? You could express it as 'my trust issues, which I'm sorry about' and see where that gets you..?

 

What is YOUR gut feeling Ashley? If you try to get your mother's voice out of your head, what is YOUR gut feeling?

 

Hugs to you. This is hard stuff for both of you.

 

ETA: If he's kinda naive, it's just possible that he didn't know the other guy was into him. Not too likely tbh but possible. Was he fine about stopping seeing him?

[Puddincup]

I dated an effeminate man for three years. He was not a typical "guy". He was very emotional, sensitive, and had some gay mannerisms. When he met new people, they would always think he was gay. I am convinced that he was not gay even though he seemed outwardly gay. He was very turned on by women in sexy lingerie, high heels, porn, breasts...

 

I think the fact that your boyfriend is sexually turned on by you is a good sign that he is not gay. I don't know how old your boyfriend is but the older he is, the more likely he would not be hiding his sexuality from you or himself. The relationship with the guy photographer seems kind of odd but if I were you, I'd just ask him what the deal was with the guy. I'd ask him if he thought it was weird that he wrote that letter, etc.

 

As the poster above said, her husband turned out to be gay. I bet if you asked her when they were married if he was gay, she would have sworn up and down that he wasn't so I guess you never really know. It must have been a shock to find that out.

 

I guess I would go on the assumption (if he won't say otherwise) that he is straight. If he is gay, it will eventually come out I would think. Wish you luck with this.

[rosephase]

If he enjoys sex with you he isn't gay. He might be bi and he might be in denial about that. But if he gets erections and (in the past) had an active sex life with you, a female, he isn't gay.

 

It sounds like you might be having some issues in your relationship. His sex drive dying is a big deal and you ending one of his friendships because of your fears seems really bad, at least to me.

[Speranza]

 

As the poster above said, her husband turned out to be gay. I bet if you asked her when they were married if he was gay, she would have sworn up and down that he wasn't so I guess you never really know. It must have been a shock to find that out.

 

Actually I DID know pretty soon! And - he is 100% gay and used to get erections. I suppose (never asked) he used to use any mental images he needed so as not to let me down... always seemed like TMI to ask!!

[rosephase]

Actually I DID know pretty soon! And - he is 100% gay and used to get erections. I suppose (never asked) he used to use any mental images he needed so as not to let me down... always seemed like TMI to ask!!

 

But did you guys ever have a healthy active sex life?

[ceez]

I have heard of some gay guys enjoying sex with women, but he could of been curious.

[Speranza]

We did... except that years later he told me it had 'crucified' him as he was actually phobic about women's genitals! He must have really loved me I guess... Didn't leave me with the best self esteem tbh! If a gay can fake it that well... That's why I would counsel getting this really sorted NOW. After all, you may be wrong!

[Puddincup]

We did... except that years later he told me it had 'crucified' him as he was actually phobic about women's genitals! He must have really loved me I guess... Didn't leave me with the best self esteem tbh! If a gay can fake it that well... That's why I would counsel getting this really sorted NOW. After all, you may be wrong!

 

I would take it is a big compliment that he loved you and tried for so long with you. You must be a good woman. Did you remarry?

[lukeb]

There seems to be a basic distrust in the relationship on your part. You seems to want to continually test his to see what his reaction would be. Always looking for evidence to confirm your suspicions. Sorry but I am not surprised your sex life has gone down the tubes.

 

I am sorry to hear you don't trust him, why wait until you have evidence of your suspicions. Why would you want to be with someone you don't trust to begin with?

[incognito26]

Hi Ashley,

 

Two things-

1) It seems that your love relationship with this man is fading away and perhaps the love spark isn't there anymore , and he really isn't gay.

or

2) I would go by your instincts. I mean, I am a gay male and I can't tell you how times I've had sex with "straight" men with G.F's, married men with kids even, men who live a double a life. If you caught him watching a gay porn site that's nothing but catching him in the act is another. I've learned that when you confront men about their sexuality they get defensive and angry and still lie about it so asking isn't much help there anyway. Most men remain closeted like the ones I've been with sexually who were married and have GF's and do a good job about lying to themselves and lying to others.

 

 

Sorry your experiencing this dilemma in your relationship. Best of luck...

=(

 

 

 

 

I would go with your instincts- those have always worked for me in relationships with men I thought were faithful to me. Turned out they weren't and I went with my gut feelings.

 

Best of luck! =/