Lies, Lies, Lies

[sera_michele]

I have been engaged for 3 years to a pretty good guy. Only downfall is that he acts very suspicious and has been caught in quite a few lies by me when it comes to women.

I would love to hear opinions on how to approach this latest issue.

 

Well, some background first. He kissed another girl while drunk one night, and at first wasn't going to tell me. I knew somehting was up, adn was ablt to drag it out of him. Now, his story of what happened that night has changed like 100 times, so i really don't know for sure if anything more than kissing happened.

 

Next, he was using my car to get back and forth to work, and was giving a female co-worker rides home occasionally. I wouldnt mind (i dont want to leave anyone to walk as far as she would have to) but he NEVER told me this was happening, and said he was keeping it from me because he thought I would be mad. Not sure if anything ever happened there.

 

 

Anyways, a few weeks ago an IM from a girl popped up (Hazie420) on the computer screen saying from "I know I miss you too in a weird sort of way..." I asked who it was and he acted like he didn't know at first. After some pushing, he told me it was a friend of his that he used to talk to a lot and hasn't talked to in a while. Fine by me. The other day, though, he said that he doesnt talk to her anymore. But I look on his IM (I wanted to check my little sisters profile) and i accidentalt clicked on the wrong name. I had clicked on the IM name "Satan" but the profile said that it was Hazie420...the girl he said he no longer talks to. (you can rename contacts on this IM to whatever you want, regardless of their actual screenname) So I check the logs, and there are none. I mention this to our relationship conseler (we go see one since we are getting married soon), but only said that I think he still talks to her. My fiance was with me then, and he immeadeatly said "no, i don't talk to her!"

 

So today I look at his IM again. "Satan" is gone...but I see it has been replaced with "Arkin". Arkin is a name his best friend goes by on the internet. I click to see the profile...and lo and behold, it isnt Arkin, its Hazie420. Also the logs are deleted (except for a little character that is on a key right next to the backspace sign).

 

So how do I approach this with him? I really wasnt trying to be snoopy...I don't want him to think that. But does it even matter?

[Openminded]

Oh man...that is absolutely suspicious. Doesnt talk to her, but the screename keeps changing. Some people go by the saying "if your going to snoop, then dont be surprised by what you see." I think that is BS!

 

If he didnt talk to her, he would have removed her. She would not send a message like that out of the blue for nothing. He obviously had messaged her from somewhere for that response. The fact that he erased his history is proof that he has something to hide. I know because my ex did it to me all the time, until i found out that ICQ doesnt actually delete anything (at least it used to not delete, not sure anymore). So i opened the dat file in notepad and although it wasnt formatted I could skim through all of it.

 

My ex-girlfriend doesnt like me talking to any girls online. I dont agree with it, and she gets very upset about it. Nothing has ever transpired when I did it, but Im not the one night stand type. I used to erase my history and have renamed my contacts to hide it. If I were you I wouldnt take it lightly!

[Openminded]

Btw, spy away...better sooner than later. Dont be the victim ALOT of "meaningless IM friends" turn into relationship wreckers.

[EatZ]

I know from my own experience that a little privacy is always necessary in every relationship. I'm extremely impressed with how trusting and forgiving you've been to your man, giving him his space, time, weird online acquaintances, etc... You're being very mature in all of this sera_michele. Well done, keep doing this!

 

Here's my take on the situation. If it was me that was giving my fiancé even the SLIGHTEST impression that something was up when there wasn't, I'd be devastated. I wouldn't want her to think that for at all, and I'd go out of my way to prove that nothing was up because that's the kind of person I am.

 

If something isn't up he shouldn't have a problem proving this to you. Perhaps letting you add her to your IM or watching over his shoulder during a conversation... These do sound a bit overkill and a tad demanding, but I'm not sure what else he could do other than to delete her from his IM altogether. Surely that would prove that he doesn't talk to her anymore right?

 

Anyway... this is a classic case of the "prove that you love me" situation. He might take offence to feeling like he has to prove his love for you, but at the same time, it'd be nice to think that he could see where you're coming from and feel awful for ever giving you this impression. So maybe that's the approach you should take. Let him know where you're coming from. Make him realise that you're not mad at him, but if he could be a little more supportive and prove that nothing was up you'd be overjoyed. After all, you haven't been psycho about the whole situation and demanded reassurance every minute of the day...

 

If you're still suspicious though, and he's still not giving you the piece (peace?) of mind that you want, maybe it's time to take more desperate measures. Like Openminded said, spy away! Maybe install a key-logger that records everything he does on the keyboard? I can't believe I'm actually suggesting the idea to be honest, cause it is a bit nasty. But at least you'll know what he's saying to her, regardless of whether he deletes his IM history or not...

[mahlina]

Dude! Who the heck does he think he is? Some two-faced, lying, smooth talker?! How can he treat you this way? Especially being the woman that he claims to want to marry? Sera_michele, I really hope that you think twice about this man, before you tie the knot.

 

I really dislike the fact that:

1. He doesn't RESPECT your relationship enough, to cut off that 3rd party, Hazel chick!

2. He LIES to you.

3. He CHEATED on you before.

4. He's being INCONSIDERATE by not awknowledging that his lies HURT you.

 

In a loving and committed relationship, couples should cherish these 4 things:

1. HONESTY- honesty is what we defines who we chose to confide in. If we don't want to open up and reveal personal info too, then chances are, we don't feel safe with this person. This also applies to friendships as well. Some friends, we decide to 'open' up to and reveal certain information, verses in some, we don't. So, being open and honest, shows that BOTH partners feel that level of safety and comfortness in each other, because they're exposing their weaknesses.

 

2. COMMUNICATION- when BOTH partners try to communicate problems, and resolve things effectively. Taking the time to actually work problems out, shows 'effort.' If we communicate how we feel, we're being true to the relationship.

 

3. TRUST- the ability to have that confidence in knowing that our partners won't cheat, or do anything behind our backs. Trust also builds over time, and takes much time to 'build-up.' Once it's broken, it's hard to build back.

 

4. RESPECT- respecting our partners, and coming to an agreement, or at least a 'Compromise' to things. When we respect our partners, we respect the relationship. That means respecting its 'Boundaries.' If we lose respect for our partners, or our partners loses respect for us, that's when we feel like we're walking on eggshells, as if anything that we say or do, always seems to end up in an argument. At that point, couple therapy is important.

 

What I see is that he's crossed all of the lines for a 'truly loving' commitment. Trust, honesty, respect, and communication are all important and 'fundamental' factors in building up a 'healthy' relationship. If a partner has to lie or double-cross you, cheat, etc., that's when they've broken and crossed the line one too many times. Especially if it's gone to the point where the lying is consistant.

 

Now, ask yourself,

1. "Is this Person, someone who I can EVER truly trust again?"

2. "Is he willing to change?"

3. "Will he do this to me, when we're married, and I'm pregnant?"

4. If so, as yourself: "How will it effect our relationship then? What will become of my mental condition? "Will I be strong enough to take care of myself, and a baby at the same time, if he's continuing his lying/cheating behavior?"

 

One thing's for sure, his lying/cheating shows:

1. Disrespect

2. Dishonesty

3. Shattered Trust

4. Lack of effective communication

 

If nothing's going on with this Hazel chick, then why does he keep on changing her screen name? What makes her so important in which he ALWAYS has to keep in touch with her, or at least, keep on changing her name? What is she? His baby's mama? Another drama that you don't know about? I know, this might not be the case, but seriously: What's there to hide?

 

If anything, he's being cowardly about your relationship. Why is his chatting on the net, and talking to her, straight face, lying to you, something more important than respecting the boundaries of your relationship? You deserve BETTER! If he's doing this now, think about how he'd be like in a marriage. He doesn't sound like marriage material, because of the fact that he already shows a LACK of COMMITMENT to you.

 

Besides, lying is unhealthy. It's especially not healthy for you. It's damaging, and mentally draining to know that someone that you love, straight up lies to our face! They continue on with their merry lives, and act like they didn't do anything. Lying is lying.

 

What he should do for you, is:

1. Apologize.

2. Mean it.

3. Recognize his own faults.

4. Make an 'effort' to actually change. Sure counseling might help, but is it going through one ear, and out the other? If so, then it's a waste of money. Especially if he's going to go back home, and turn on that computer to chat with Hazel.

 

If anyone's going to argue and say that you're 'insecure' for feeling the way that you do, then I think that person's got issues! I see that you're completely sincere about the relationship. Just make sure that he's going to stop this behavior, before you commit yourself to him for life. Chances are, people don't change. We can't make someone change. We have to accept them, otherwsie, we'll just fall under endless battles. They are the way that they are, because their behavior is 'innate.' They have to 'desire' or feel the need to do so, when they realize it themselves. So, ask yourself: "Is this what I really want in a Dream Man?" I really feel for you, and hope that you do find someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.

 

Hang in there,

Take Care,

Mahlina

 

P.S.- Don't settle. If he's not willing to make the effort to change and recognize his behavior, then he's not worth it. I hope that things will work out for you.

[NightLily]

Again, and as always, extremely well said mahlina

 

To add to what malina said though, it sounds to me like you are also making some mistakes in this relationship that in the end, will only hurt yourself. As I see it, you are trying TOO hard to make the relationship work and you have been enabling his lying. When he lies to you, there don't seem to be any real consequenses for his behavior. He is left happy and reassured that he "got away with it" while you are left aggrivated, upset, and hurt. What's worse is that he has put you in the position where you feel as though if you do snoop you are being the over protective 'nightmare' girlfriend. In this case you really should be looking out for yourself. He obviously isn't, so if you don't.. who will?

 

Take good care of yourself sera,

SuzyQ

[mahlina]

When he lies to you, there don't seem to be any real consequenses for his behavior. He is left happy and reassured that he "got away with it" while you are left aggrivated, upset, and hurt.

 

you really should be looking out for yourself. He obviously isn't, so if you don't.. who will?

 

SuzyQ, Words of wisdom! That's right! Honestly, if you're not watching out for your own back, then who will? He won't. His buddies certainly won't! We'd be lucky if his family does! So, we have to be wise about situations like these. Lying or cheating, is a red flag warning. Be careful. Life's already tough in itself. No one deserves extra baggage like that in their lives!

 

Sera, your commitment to him is highly admirable! Think about it, would he be there for you through thick and thin? And if you ever did what he did: lie and cheat, (in which I doubt you ever will), will he still be there for you, the way that you are for him? I doubt that his behavior will change, unless if he's got cause to. It's like Pavlov's dogs.

 

When we forgive a liar, they do not have any reason to change. We then, unconsciously 'reward' them for their behavior (although our intentions are quite the oppossite). They think, "If I can get away with this once, or twice, then I'll be able to get away with it again." Find someone who you will enjoy your life with, not someone who you have to sit around and babysit. If this is the case, then he's pathetic, and you deserve someone who will respect you. I hope that you'll find the courage to pull through. His behavior is intollerable. Just know that there are lots of people out there in this world. His lying, sack of trash, measly, half-loving, self-indulgent attitude, is not the last person that you'll love on this planet. No one deserves to be mistreated! [-( You'll find better! Hang in there.

[brokenpogostick]

There's nothing worse than feeling like there's something going on. He needs to have enough respect to let you know exactly what's going on. And, if there is anything going on, even in the slightest, if he loves you he'd nip it in the bud right away. You shouldn't have to keep at him about it. I went through something similar with my bf and it was 3 weeks before anything was done about it and I'm totally hurt and confused over it. It has changed who I am in our relationship. All the hurt and confusion could have easily been avoided had he been honest and let me know how he was feeling. I'm a big fan of openness and honesty. You cannot build a relationship on lies & bullcrap. If he's unwilling to be open & honest then it's not worth it, you're still going to get hurt. Maybe it's better to get out now while you're only hurt this much...but i don't know what your exact situation is. Only you can make the decision, but he needs to be a better man for you.

[Kittengirl]

I found out my EX had cheated when I snooped on his emails so I'm afraid that I'm with you all the way on checking up on him! If there was nothing to worry about then why would he keep this woman under another name...Sounds really suspicious and you sound just like I did when I found things out about my EX.Almost defending his actions and certainly trying to dismiss all the signs that are staring you in the face and making excuses for them.Please think very carefully before you marry this guy, he sounds like a potential heartbreaker. If he's giving lifts to 'friends' and kept it from you then there is probably a good reason he doesn't want you to know.Drunken kissing is one thing but keeping secrets and changing his story all add up...Be warned if he's doing this now he will continue after you are married.

[toezaurus81]

This came to the end of relationship when the relationship has no trust! And happened on me too! My ex keeps dating ICQ gals out which is a playboy! Bringing those gals to candle light dinner for their bday dinner. I ever take a look into thier chat log, after that I approach the gal, the 3rd person don't even know he had a gf. And if there is nothings going on with them, why not intro you to her? You may embed a keylogger or spy bot into the pc. It takes every action and chatting logs was kept. When the evidence was built, it is time for you to make any decision you want to. There is meaningless as the guy is still flirting around even engaged, he has not settle down to be stable and get married! Where is the commitement? Can u still stands this kind of situation when you get married with him? At the time, it is quite late as either divorce or just keep one eyes shut?