She has initiated contact...now what?

[1st timer]

Hi all,

 

I have been using the NC rule for several weeks now. My ex is now contacting me on an almost consistant basis. I have taken all of her calls so far. The other night she hung out with some friends of mine, she travel for work, and they are in a band that is on tour. They happened to be in the same city for the night, so I put them in contact with one another. Any how, while she was hanging out with them, she made the comment to one of my buddies that I was the love of her life. Later that night when she called me, and she made sure to tell me about this conversation she had with my buddy.

 

What do I do now? I have still not initiated contact with her. The only exception being yesterday morning when she asked me to call her to wake her up. Should I call her or continue to give her space? Space is the reason she broke up with me. We dated for 3yrs, never fought and have never broken up before now. We have been apart for about 3months.

[Rage]

If i was in that situation i would let her do the chasing for a while longer!

 

You just sit back and relax

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I feel that before getting back together, it would be good to understand why you two needed a break in the first place.

 

There is not much point getting back together and seeing her "saturate" again within a month.

 

Before you get back together, it would be good to establish someting new in the way your relate to each other. Not sure what that is, but I would definitely check it deeper before jumping in it again.

 

What is it exactly you need to ad to your relationship to make it work smoothly on the long term without reaching a "breaking point".

 

It might be something very simple.

 

Talk to her and ask her what she feels. Communicate openly about it. This is not about therapy. It is about conscious relationship design.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[xxatti]

If i was in that situation i would let her do the chasing for a while longer!

 

You just sit back and relax

 

Yep.

[Belle]

1st timer,

 

Hmm, if I hadn't been in her shoes I would tell you to let her do the work. However, I went back to my ex about a month ago and told him I wanted to do things right this time (for me it was to stop breaking up with him) and whereas he seemed open and scared, he didn't say no. But after a few calls and realizing he wasn't really making any effort at all (he played a huge role in our breakup as well) I stopped calling. i have no intention at this point of calling him again. I laid my heart on the line and he made no other effort. If she continues to make the effort then good. Let her. But if you stop hearing from her, know that she may be tired of chasing you. In your situation it sounds like she's willing to do it and hopefully it'll work out especially since she said you were the love of her life.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[1st timer]

We did make plans to see each other next weekend. The last time I spoke to her was on Friday morning when she asked me to call to wake her up. I have chosen not to contact her this weekend because I don't want her to feel I am crowding her. I have to admit, I thought she would have called me on Friday or Saturday.

 

Am I doing the right thing by continuing to not contact her?

 

Like Belle mentioned in her situation, I don't want her to think I am not interested in her, but I don't want to come off as needy.

 

Any suggestions?

[raider5]

Like Belle mentioned in her situation, I don't want her to think I am not interested in her, but I don't want to come off as needy.

 

No one's going to be able to give you a good answer I'm afraid. There is out there an IDEAL amount of contact. Only you know best based on your situation. Now you will inevitably make some "mistake" in choosing an amount of contact less or more than IDEAL. But just tell yourself, "If I'm going to make a mistake I want to err on the side of too much contact/not enough contact."

 

You know the pros and cons. As an external 3rd party it looks like you should err on the side of not enough contact. But I really don't know why you broke up with her. What is her personality like? Is she independent/dependent?

 

WARNINGS:

1)If you go the too much contact route you need to make sure you don't look needy. Stop useing the word "love", save it for the relationship. And it's ok to

 

2)If you go the not enough contact route make sure she NEVER gets it in her mind that you hate her so that's why you don't call her. Make sure you're ALWAYS happy when she calls you. But don't make it seem like you've been waiting for your call. Just end the conversations with "I'm glad you called"

 

I think your golden actually. You're in a tough situation, but probably the best of situations.

 

Good luck

 

Oh and one other thing. Now that your buzzing off of all this love she has for you--like a woman that obsesses about her body after just falling in love--you better start working on yourself overtime, and make sure you fix the reasons why you broke up in the first place. Create a lot of, "Wow I never though you would go skydiving"/"Wow, have you been working out"/"I love your hair that way" moments.

 

good luck

[1st timer]

In response to the last post, what about the times that she tells me that she loves me? How should I respond to her when she tells me she loves me?

[raider5]

I guess I didn't read that part. This seems odd. I think you might even be safe "sitting" her down and asking her what she wants. Has she really said, "I love you" to you in person? If she has then you're way past step two.

 

It's surprising she hasn't had the "I wan't to try again" talk. I would say it's ok to say "I love you back" (if you do). But if she doesn't have the "I want to try again" talk with you soon, you need to do something as a catalyst. You need to sit her down and ask her, "Listen, what do you want?" Because if she keeps saying "I love you, I love you" without taking it to the next step she's either stringing you along (and you'd have to be pretty f#@#ed up to string someone along with the words "I love you") or she's afraid to move on to the next step, or she has some issues to deal with (commitment?)

 

good luck

[JohnOO8]

I must say i agree with rage... if she has put u through some b.s. then make her struggle for a while an then lend her a hand off the ground

[1st timer]

She has said it to me in person. I don't doubt that she loves me. We were in a relationship for 3yrs. I think it would be hard to not love someone that you were with for that period of time. I just don't think she is in love with me.

 

I just got off the phone with her. She told me she loved me again. This time she qualified the statement with "I really do love you. I am not saying that out of habit."

 

It is hard to talk to her about us because she is on the road right now. I don't feel comfortable having serious conversations over the phone. She has expressed the same. In the mean time, our conversations have been about some of the more casual topics. She seems to try to dominate the conversation by craming in as many topics and details as possible. Even to the point where she interrupts me a bit.

 

Any idea why this would be?

 

For now I am going to continue to let her do the contacting. At some point I would like to have a conversation about us. I am not sure how to take on the subject. I don't want to smuther her if she is not ready to talk about us.

 

All help and advice is welcome.

[DragonGirl724]

RAIDER,

 

EXCELLENT REPLY!! in a way im in the same boat ur rpelyhelped a lot. my ex IMs me & i usually wait to IM him back right away i keep convos upbeat & short to strike interest/curiosity. i never initiate contact i leave it up to him b/c he broke up w/ me 3 & 1/2 months ago for bein too needy & him not knowing what he wants in life & needs more time to hang w/ his boys b/c he had 2 gf before me dating back for a solid 7 yrs. etc etc. now im havin a blast bein single but i dont want him to think i hate him like his exs do & i think he knows i dont i told him i could never hate him anyway & the fact he keeps in contacty w/ me unlike his other exs i know there is no Hate here, but i dont initiate contact b/c i dont wanna look needy/clingy/waiting for him. i initiated contact tho sumtime last week & said 'hey wanna go to a concert w/ my & my peeps at the end of July im pickin up tickets soon plus free beer there! he declined sayin hes gonna be busy workin etc & doesnt like makin plans so far in advance. so i said 'aight david i can get a hint' he said 'who i didnt mean it like that well hang out again i jus dont know when" & he said he had to go & logged off. i think sumtimes he gets nervous/scared. i dunno wat his deal is then the next day he IMs me 'hey i jus wanted to say Hi & how r u?" i said 'im good' he repied 'thats cool i got to run but i wanted to say hi & see how ur doin' i said 'ok cool, later.' am i bein like 2 mean?? he said to me wen he broke up w/ me that 'im different & wen hes ready for a gf ill be the first one to know if im still around so to speak.' i mean im movin on w/ my life havin a blast but should i be nicer to him or what? thing is i care about him still deeply & if he & i cant be bf/gf in the future i dont want to be friends. itll be too hard. is bein nice to him gonna make him comfortable in friend mode??? b/c i aint havin that!

 

-DG724

[raider5]

Dragon I worry about you.

 

I read you're other post about moving on. Be honest with yourself. If you still need to mourn for him that's ok. But don't say you're moving on and everything is great in your life if you're sill crying over him. I'm not saying you are, just be careful not to regress to the denial stage, or don't try to move on too soon.

 

Sounds like you need to initiate harder NC. He seems to be too comfortable where you are with him. Personally I would be turned off by that "I can take a hint" comment. Words me nothing. Now he understands that you knkow you'll both hang out again. If you didn't say a thing and just initiated NC I bet he would call you back.

 

I hear about the friendship thing. they say

 

Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship? Never.

 

MY RANT--YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ

I tried hard for 6 months and got nothing. Then I initiated more and more NC. At one point I really think she wanted me to fight for her. But NC at least gives you back control and respect for yourself.

 

And in my case it makes her have her cake but she can't eat it. Michael said on here, "She made her bed, now she has to lie in it" If I was in contact with her she would have the best of both worlds, she would date him and have me on the side as emotional support. If im not in the picture she's/I am:

-going to push really hard to make it to work because she doesn't want to be wrong and she dosn't have me

-going to get defensive by not contacting me unless things really start going bad with him

-going to gain back respect. Now she HAS to respect me.

-I'm the mystery now. She will always wonder about the worst situation. Whatever that is, she'll wonder about NC and think about the worst situation for her.

-I get to be the "what if." She has him now. He says he loves her, and she knows that this is probably the best she'll get from him--which really isn't that much. But she knows I never had a chance, so she'll always wonder what it would be like if she took the other path. And the worse it gets the more she'll wonder about this other "what if"

 

sorry i cant be of more hlep

[DragonGirl724]

Raider,

 

thanks for the reply. but seriously i havent cried over him in weeks. i seriously am havin a great time. i have done the NC thing for a while & this past month ive been accepting his IMs b/c his other exs really grew to hate him & i kinda didnt want him thnkin i do. & im seriously really happy with where my life is right now. i have so much goin for me & im not jus BS'in myself. the thing is with him is that ur probably right i should do NC again, and whether or not im happy in life doesnt have anythig to do w/ how my heart is still with him. know what i mean? moving on doesnt necessarily mean 'find a new bf' its get on w/ ur life enjoy it & if he comes bak around thats cool if not than well thats life ya know. i dont cry over him anymore & i dont see a reason to. hed be damn lucky if he ever finds a girl like me again who can show him love him like i had. and i cant be friends w/him after al this b/c he doesnt really deserve my friendship if he jus strung me along this wholw time & lied about comin back. & plus i still love him i couldnt deal w/ knowing about a new gf. im friends w/ my other exs but i was never IN LOVE with them so its different. yea its been 3 &1/2 months broken up but im not lookin for a new bf or any bf at that. & i think hes scared of calling me/nervous i dont know why for sure but i think he knows if he sees me or hang out w/ me again it might make him regret the decision he made. but ima take ur advice b/c maybe he is comfortable where he is right now & ill initiate harder NC. thanks for your reply i really appreciate it & for the record i am really happy w/ myself after reviewing all ive been thru & in the end got a perfect GPA tis semester is unheard of & damn hate to brag but there r a lot of dudes out there that would be more than lucky to nab a gal like me .

 

PS: i read 'your rant' as you call it & ur absolutly right, 'our exs cant have the best of both worlds' & i see now that im giving him just that. i need to make him miss me more, tho the fact that he IMs me as soon as he logs on kinda makes me think he was somewhat anxious/looking forward to talkin to me. but yea i cant give it to him that easy. & im glad u see that too. ur ex tellin u shes still in love/loves u etc. would throw me off bigtime, then why the hell is she with this new guy?!?!? shes seems like a very confused soul, i hope she figures her $#!T out real soon & quits draggin along 2 guys & breakin their hearts along the way. wishing you all the best man! take care.

 

thanks again,

-DG724