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I'm A Horrible Daughter


HaleyC.

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Please excuse this "poor me" story. I don't mean to, but I'm writing how I feel inside.

I have always been a HUGE daddy's girl. My father used to be everything to me, but know, our relation has been almost compleately destroyed. It's literally killing me.

I have serious jelousy issues. And I don't know why that one emotion affects me so strongly. I hate my self in a way for it.

I grew up in a tiny happy family with my father and little brother for most of my childhood. But in 2004, I started sensing something horrible was going to happen. And it was.

My father started dating a women his age in 2004 named Susan. I didn't like my fathers new relationship again, because of extream jelousy. She had time my father 24/7 and so did her 2 sons, who were 6 and 15 at the time.

The youngest, had never really had a father figure in his life. His father abandoned him. He in many ways I believe was extreamly hurt emotionally. He was very violent and never could control his temper.

The oldest was just disrespectful and gross. He waited days and sometimes a week to take a shower.

My father, brother, and me were not used to this and it annoyed my dad. He is a workaholic and he hates laziness. To this day he tells me how much he hates Susan's oldest son.

Sense then, life was hell. Physical fights, destroyed furniture, things were torched, crying and depressed emotions drowned us. I feel I lost everything. I still do.

I despise and hate Susan and her son's for ruining my life. They took my happiness I have had sense as long as I can remember. I feel deeply replaced.

My father and brother have changed drastically sense we met them.

My father never keeps promises. He dosin't make time for us anymore. He calls us mean names sometimes. He is easily angered. A lot of his patient loving father personality has desinagrated.

Many family members have lost respect for my father. He leaves me and my brother out frequently. There has been times when my dad promised he would take my little brother hunting, and turn around and take Susan's youngest son. Leaving my brother in tears. When he returns, he braggs about there wonderful day together.

My brother has lost his love. He has learned from Susan's youngest son the violence he used to have. My brother beats on his younger brother.

I feel my dad left me out the most sometimes. I'm not really complaining anymore, but I feel my father thinks I'm not worthy to have what the boys and my brother have. He made my little brothers room first, than the oldest son of Susan's, than the youngest. He skipped over mine. After 3 years it is a sheet rocked walled storage room. It makes me feel worthless.

I want to tell dad how much I hurt. How we are no longer even a family.

I hate Susan and her son's the most because there additude. Whenever my dad very rarely goes some where with us, Susan angrely snapps: "Well! Why don't you spend time with your new family!"

"Ya," the youngest son wines. "Spend time with us for once."

I'm sorry, but I want to deck both of them! "No time with your new family?" You as*ho*es get him to yourselves every day! You live with him! Me and my brother see him for 2 days out of the whole week! Go to hell! I hate you!

My anger for them never fails.

My father still loves us I guess, but we are more seperated than ever.

I'm a horrible person.

Susan, and her 2 sons love me, while I hate them behind there back!

Susan's sons consider me the sister they never had, and Susan, the daughter she never had.

I'm making my father and brother suffer even though it's not there fault. I never come over to see them. I havin't stayed overnight sense August of 2009. It's not fair. But I do it anyway. I can't stand to be in "THERE" presence.

I'm a horrible daughter. I wish I was dead and no one remembered me. I seriously do. I hate myself.

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You're not horrible at all and don't need to put the blame on yourself.

 

Your father may not realize what he has done to you emotionally over these years. Like worriedgirl said, have you tried talking with him? How about writing him a letter to avoid all the frustration and anger you have inside. He may better understand why you're not happy and why he's not there for you as a father.

 

If your father also is more focused on Susan and their sons, why not talk to Susan about your feelings as much as you may hate her at this point. You did mention she and her two sons love you. I'm sure she is very understanding and could perhaps talk to your father. She and others in the family may have absolutely no clue why you're being distant.

 

You have many reasons to be angry and upset but try to find the best way to resolve this in a peaceful and calm manner. Even if you think your dad won't listen or doesn't care, he does. Tell him how much he means to you and why you feel left out.

 

Your father also may not have figured out a way to bring the two family closer together emotionally. Sometimes it may be trying to impress Susan but he needs to understand it cannot be separated. I know it's very difficult. And I'm sure it is for him as well.

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You are not a horrible person. Living in an environment where there are physical fights, things are broken & "torched" & you are called names makes you an abused person. I also would disagree that you are a jealous person. Rather I would say you have simply noticed that you & your brothers are victims of neglect at the hands of your father.

 

You say that you only see your father 2 days a week, so I suppose that another guardian has custody of you... I am suprised they allow you to visit your dad within that environment.

 

I am so sorry for all that you & your brothers have gone through but Susan and her son aren't really the problem. Your father is a grown man & he has made some very bad decisions/exhibited very bad behavior.

 

Is there a guidance counselor at your school you could talk to?

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You are not a horrible person at all. There is a reason you feel this way...Have you ever communicated about how you feel to your father or susan?

 

I never will to Susan. Ever.

I sorta have many times, but not about EVERYTHING.

Why bother keep trying, he dosen't understand. He says it dosin't seem fair for him to be unhappy because of me.

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I will never tell Susan. It makes it worst to talk. I just would babble about things that don't make sense. I would be wayyyyy more ashamed if I told her anyway. Yes, they tell me they love them, and I think its true. But, thats what makes me horrible. I don't love them back. I absoultely hate them.

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You and your brother live separately from Susan and her boys?

 

Why have you never talked to your dad about this?

 

Ya, me and my brother only see him on weekends. Two days a week. Susan and the boys live with them. My brother and I have different mom's but the same dad, so he's actually my half brother. But I just say brother.

I don't tell my dad because he dosin't understand. Even his own mother, my nanny, tells me that he has always been that way for certain things. This is one of them. Again, he says he dosin't think it's fair for him to be unhappy because of me. I give up. Still wish he was the same, but I know that is never going to happen. Everybody is telling me that I should not worry about the stress for to much longer because arguements and complications never last. They will break up. Think again. They never will. It's been nearly 4 years. If they were going to break up, it most likely would be the first year they were together, when it was the worst.

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You are not a horrible person. Living in an environment where there are physical fights, things are broken & "torched" & you are called names makes you an abused person. I also would disagree that you are a jealous person. Rather I would say you have simply noticed that you & your brothers are victims of neglect at the hands of your father.

 

You say that you only see your father 2 days a week, so I suppose that another guardian has custody of you... I am suprised they allow you to visit your dad within that environment.

 

I am so sorry for all that you & your brothers have gone through but Susan and her son aren't really the problem. Your father is a grown man & he has made some very bad decisions/exhibited very bad behavior.

 

Is there a guidance counselor at your school you could talk to?

 

Everyone knows it's happening, my mom hates it. But she knows I guess just as much as I do that he will never change. I barely see my brother and dad anymore anyway. Like 16 hours in a month. Literally. So it's not like I'm around them very much.

Yes, I live with my mom, little half sister, and mom's boyfriend. (I get along with him. He's cool.)

My mom dosin't know half the stuff that happined to me though. So it probably dosint seem as drastic too her.

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Everyone knows it's happening, my mom hates it. But she knows I guess just as much as I do that he will never change. I barely see my brother and dad anymore anyway. Like 16 hours in a month. Literally. So it's not like I'm around them very much.

Yes, I live with my mom, little half sister, and mom's boyfriend. (I get along with him. He's cool.)

My mom dosin't know half the stuff that happined to me though. So it probably dosint seem as drastic too her.

 

I think it might be time to let your mom in on the full extent of the behavior your experiencing.

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Is there any way that you can see your little brother aside from when your dad has the both of you and spend time with him? I can't see why your mom and your brother's mom wouldn't let you guys meet up. I can understand why they might not like to have tons of contact, but for the good of their kids, maybe they would allow you to arrange outings, etc, with him. The bond of siblings can trump whatever arrangements parents have. You don't have to get "visitation" to see your little bro.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Haley,

 

You're not a horrible person and you're not a horrible daughter. I can relate with your story on many levels, and I know how hard it is to communicate your anger and hurt feelings.

 

How close are you with your mother? I would definitely turn to her and tell her everything. My childhood was similar to this. When I was at my dad's house, it was torture because of my stepmother and her son, and my dad's resistance to do or say anything to stop the way they mistreated me. When I was at my mom's house, I never told her the things my stepmother would say to me, or do to me, because i was scared of how my mom would react. I eventually told her later, after my dad and stepmom had divorced. To this day (18 years later), my mother still holds a grudge toward my ex-stepmother, and wishes i had told her sooner so she could've put a stop to what was really damaging my childhood.

 

It's not your fault, ok? I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Talk to mom. See if you can reach out to your brother too.

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