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i would love a guy's opinion on this


carmie

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2 months ago, my ex dumped me. before, i asked him to give it 2 weeks to try and he always says no. and 2 weeks ago, he said to give it a try for 2 weeks and see if we can make it. i was not doing cartwheels or ecstatic like i expected. in fact, i felt like "oh, OK". each time spent with him seems like an ordeal to me, i actually have to make an effort to enjoy the moment spent with him. one time, he invited me over for lunch and i said maybe i could sleep over there instead of going back to my place, he went crazy and started shouting over the phone and calling me * * * * . i was taken aback coz i meant it as a joke.

1. what is wrong with me? i tried NC before when he dumped me but i never was good at keeping it, i always backslide and start all over again in NC.

is it because i got tired of crying over him and waiting for him that the feelings are finally fading?

2. this 2 week deal is almost up, i'm ambivalent. i am sad but more relieved that it might be over soon. why am i feeling this? is it because i know it will only be 2 weeks that is why i am steeling myself from the inevitable (moving on our separate ways).

 

any inputs would be really really nice

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First of all, people who shout and call you **** aren't worth your time

 

Second, the emptiness you feel is not because of them, it's because of your fear of being alone. This is hard to deal with, and overcoming it means fostering a good relationship with yourself. I recommend counseling or some other sort of help (I started with Codependents Anonymous) so you can get a handle on why you feel that way.

 

Third, your relief that it might be over soon is a big indicator that it is indeed already over. Wash your hands, smile at yourself in the mirror, and move on. Spend some time being good to yourself, search for the good in you (it's there) and once you realize that you'll be happy even without someone you'll likely find them!

 

(Actual timing not guaranteed. Note that this path takes work, but is worth it, as you are!)

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

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1) Nothing is wrong with you! Lots of people break NC (myself included in the past). It's really tough and emotional and I wouldn't beat yourself up over it too much if you break it, just start again and stay strong.

 

2) My guess is during the 1.5 months you were apart, even if you were in contact or LC, you started to heal whether you realized it or not. I can see why you took his offer up to try it for 2 weeks as it's human nature to be curious as to what could happen vs. not knowing if you passed up the opportunity, even if you weren't 100% sure you wanted to get back into things. I think at around the 6 week mark a lot of dumpers begin to get over the intial period of relief, yay I get to hang out with my friends more, etc. and start to miss the dumpee and I suspect that's probably why he intiated this trial period at that point. I think your ambivalence indicates that your curiosity was satisfied and that you realize that even if you have residual feelings/love for him, that it's not enough to make a relationship work.

 

It sounds like you gained a lot of perspective on things after the intial breakup and then now during this 2 week period. It's perfectly natural to know the "inevitable" is coming but feel somewhat conflicted about it (because human emotions surrounding relationships and breakups are rarely one dimensional). However, that doesn't mean that you should deny what you already admit and feel is the "inevitable". I would move onto healing as soon as you can, even if it means ending the two week period a few days early. Try NC again or at least LC-maybe you could create a thread like many others here have done to post their progress in NC and provide them with a place to vent their emotions and have others offer perspective, encouragement, and support.

 

Anyways, that's my opinion. I'm sure there are others on here that will have better insights for you. Good luck =)

 

P.S.-His major overreaction to you joking about sleeping over could just be that he wasn't feeling comfortable yet in the 2 week trial relationship. Or it could be that he's just a huge jerk! My money's on a combination of the two. Either way, it would be a big red flag for me.

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Initially, after the break-up, i was asking and even begged SOOO MANY TIMES to give it a try but he said he was feeling trapped and he wants space. i asked for a month, then he said no, i asked for a week and he said no. Those times i asked him back, he would always say he has made up his mind and it wont change but nearing the end of 2 months before this 2 week trial period, he said he is going out of his way and give me this 2 week trial period.

 

he changed his mind after:

 

1) he saw me lose weight and i looked more toned

2) he saw me wear make-up ( i didn't know how but i practiced)

3) i went out of state during his birthday weekend and refused to spend time with him during his birthday

4) he heard i was taking dance classes

 

i thought that maybe at first he saw me moving on already (maybe without me noticing bec most of the time i was consciously telling myself to stop thinking about him and it was an effort not to call or text)

 

yes, i do feel lonely and maybe that was the reason i could not let go; i was so used to him being there. but this past week, i saw him in a different light, i didn't put him in the pedestal like i used to and i noticed little things that made me realize how selfish he was in some ways and that how he always wanted his way most of the time.

 

tell me, am i on the right track to healing? am i even halfway there? there are just times i feel so alone and i miss that i dont get calls or emails or text msgs. i feel as if i am left wanting to have some form of connection

 

the night he shouted at me over the fone, i told him i will put the phone down and hung up on him and sent him only one message that i dont need him disrespecting me. he sent me a couple of messages saying he has anger issues and he is still angry at me (making it sound like it was my fault when i didnt even raise my voice) and when i didnt text the whole night, he sent me a couple of messages more saying that he was sorry and that i should come over and etc...he called on the day of and offered to pick me up but i said no. when i saw him again i told him that i was disappointed and that this 2 week made me realize so many things. he didnt not respond though, i was expecting him to be defensive like he always is.

 

my greatest obstacle is not to call/text him and getting over the feeling of loneliness. sometimes deep breathing ang running in the gym does not help...

 

P.S. i did look over for CoDA--- they are here in my state... i will check it out THANK YOU

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