level of support - am I asking too much?

[geekgirl4]

I found out recently that a friend had died. He lived accross the states from me but we kept in touch as much as we could and I always enjoyed talking with them. When I heard the news, I was extremely sad and let this be known to my bf. All he could say was sorry, are you ok, and cheer up. I wonder if I'm overreacting and I hope you guys could set me straight.

 

Is it too much to hope that he could offer to come over to console me, to offer support (I.E. if you need me, I'm there for you), to do something to cheer me up. But all he could really say is sorry and cheer up. when I said I had hoped he could come over, all he could say was he had to study and maybe tomorrow. If it was me and I heard a friend (bf or not), I would offer what I could, but that is me, not him. He is 3 years younger than me so I also wonder if it's because he hasn't quite learned how to cheer someone up from death. Or because he's a guy and he just doesn't know. I don't want to feel rather put down from what I think is a lack of support. Hence, some nice honest opinions would be lovely. Thank you!

[abitbroken]

Guys don't know what we want unless we tell them - if you expected him to read your mind, that won't work. Also, consider the context. If this friend was someone who you kept in touch with here and there, but lived states away and wasn't part of your daily life or you didn't mention them much perhaps your boyfriend doesn't know how much it affected you. if it were a friend that he had seen you go visit or saw them visit, etc, and your lives were more intertwined, he may have behaved differently. You cannot expect him to react in the same way as if this was a closer friend or a close relative if its someone he didn't know at all and wasn't instrumental in your life.

 

Also, consider when we are grieving, sometimes no matter what someone does, it won't be the right thing.

[amandathepanda]

I think you DID tell him what you wanted, which was some company when you had recieved some bad news...and for him to show his concern.

 

How long have you been together? I think this is a factor too, you can't expect the same level of support from someone you have only been with for a few weeks as opposed to a year or more.

 

To be honest, I would feel the same as you, and whilst I am not very good at doing the right thing in relationships (ie staying with the wrong guy for FAR too long), I think that if you know that you are the kind of person that appreciates and needs comfort when we are down, and he is just NOT that kind of guy...perhaps he's not right for you.

 

Also, no matter who you are "cheer up" is not really an appropriate response when you have lost a friend, no matter how far away this friend was. Yes it does show perhaps a lack of maturity when dealing with these situations as best - a lack of concern, I don't know? But either way, I don't think your feelings are wrong...

 

Talk to him?

[Speranza]

I would guess he didn't realise you were asking him to come and cheer you up. Did you ask him to? - oh sorry, just re-read your post. Hmm. Well I think (like the other poster) that he has no idea of how this has affected you. It would be a shame to break up over insensitivity cos at the risk of sounding sexist, men can be what we consider insensitive - it's often just that they don't know what response is expected, and we have to teach them what we need...

 

Also, you are right - lots of people are totally inadequate around death. He may even have stuff in his past which rings bells and makes it difficult for him. But his response 'Cheer up' I'm pretty sure would have been meant to be helpful!

 

You need to tell him what you need, and most importantly, you need to thank him for doing it - so that when he does come over, you snuggle up and tell him how much his support means to you.

 

This is called positive reinforcement, I teach it in schools every week and wish couples applied it to each other more often!

 

Don't blame him, educate him. You are bound to feel hurt but I really doubt it was intentional.

[geekgirl4]

Thanks guys. And I did ask him to come over. I just thought it was odd he said no so he could study and go to the gym. It's the first week of school and he told me all his classes are very easy this quarter. Either way, I'll try to be more vocal with him.