Sharing my story...Would love support/opinions...

[DMK]

I dunno, I don't feel good about it but it's done. She met a new guy and fell in love with him enough to apparently move in with him and leave behind 4 years with me in the span of a couple months or even less. It's very sad. Quite a blow to the self esteem.

 

It will take a lot of time working on me to recover from this one. It's really sad how hurtful and soulless she was able to be in the end. I will never understand how one person can do that to another.

[arcadefire]

I know you have a lot of questions swimming around in your head right now, but I guarantee the best way to handle this is to do what you've kept on doing, and that's just not trying to understand why or how she did the awful disgusting things she has done to you. You'll never get the answer you desire, and if you hear anything at all, it will just make you want to vomit (like when I asked my cheating ex why he did it).

 

I know it's hard for your pride (it sure did hurt mine). But the way I think of it is that your wife is so stupid and selfish that she had no idea what a good man she had - until she lost you.

[DMK]

Arcadefire,

 

You have been a great help with your posts. Thank you again. I plan to keep posting to this thread for a while as I go through recovery. The good news is that I am very strong. No desire to contact her or know what she is up to at all, in fact, I am more worried about actually stumbling onto her with OM or otherwise or hearing something I don't want to hear by accident. But I am letting any friends of hers know that I occasionally talk to that I don't WANT to know anything.

 

You make a great point that there is no way to understand it or get answers. Even answers from her, if she had chosen to give them, likely would not have been the truth. And sometimes even if it is the truth it hurts more than not knowing at all.

 

It has certainly been an ego hit to know that she left me for someone else, that's the tough part in all this...But I am holding my head high in that I was at least honorable, didn't cheat, and when I was cheated on, I didn't let myself get tramped on any further.

[DMK]

I had a rough day today again for some reason, very unmotivated and didn't leave the house (bad I know). It had been 4 days without any contact at all, and now out of the blue, late here on Sunday night, I just got a text from her saying she is "truly sorry for everything" and that she will miss me. First I have ever heard that from her.

 

Not sure what to do with this. Just not sure.

[Sanesoul]

Ignore it. She is trying to keep her claws in you.

 

You have been so strong throughout all of this, and I know you can keep it up.

 

You are a good man, and deserve good in your life. She is not it.

[Go Habs Go]

Her text was her trying to manipulate you. The "whole story" as she puts it is irrelevant. She cheated and didn't care about your feelings. You've been doing very well since. Continue to ignore her and I suggest you delete her numbers and block it if you have to.

[alexinter2003]

Her text was her trying to manipulate you. .

 

Hi DMK,

 

time helps to heal.

But distance -both, emotional and physical- helps recover even faster (in my case at least did).

 

That is why TOTAL NC !! is the key.

 

I agree with Go Habs Go

 

do not fall into the trap.

Ignore her.

 

If she ever wants to go back to you she knows what to do...and should do it right away.

 

But as part of the NC process is not to hope or believe she would come to you.

 

Just focus on yourself, gym, play poker, sail, go out... whatever helps you keep your mind away from her.

 

Of course the first weeks can be awful... that is why NCing and activities should help you keep your mind off the subject.

 

Relieve yourself through ENA as much as you whish but (in my case) realized writing (thinking or talking) about it just made me linger in the same subject.

Which is then not going NC.

For that reason I decided to stay a while away from ENA.

(that was my choice though and think it helped me to take her off my head).

 

As Brenda and other members said, YOU did GREAT and your actions speak about you and Your integrity.

 

Cry as much as you feel.

But never (advisable) in front of her. As may only help her to see you as a weak person.

 

Keep up the good work you are doing in yourself !!

 

believe us... there is light at the end of the tunnel !!

[alexinter2003]

I just got a text from her saying she is "truly sorry for everything" and that she will miss me. ....Not sure what to do with this. Just not sure.

Answer: NOTHING !!!

 

Well, you have basically two options,

 

a- keep playing ball

b- ignore her

 

I think most of us would avise you option B.

Once again is entirely up to you.

 

Listen, I know each case and person is different, but in a brief, what happened to me:

 

After I told her I knew and probed to her (as she never admited) she had an affair. She wanted to be by her own.

 

First round

- after a while she came back with "I realized i love you... he is not for me... I was blind..."

 

- we lived together for 2 months aprox. during that time she still met the other guy..."as a friend"...(I was going crazy as can imagine)

- went for a work trip for a week

- on my return "I realized i did not miss you... i want to be by my own..."

- to make it funnier that was last Xmas and she had her family over and took her "friend" for the sky trip we planned for weeks (to show you how selfish and unrespectful can people be)

 

Second Round

- first weeks of January. She begged: "could not live without me... she loved me....she missed me..."

- silly me i WANTED to believe it. Although her actions showed no sort of love or respect towards me at all. I was blind and belived what I wanted to hear and not what was obvious to see.

- obviously 7 weeks later she came out with a silly excuse to be "alone" and 4 days later was living with her new "friend"

 

Bottom line and my conclusions:

- one can say whatever they wish.

- though one should be able to read ACTIONS and not only words

- I played ball for as long as I denied myself which was the REALLITY

- playing this game only helped me to extend my own via crucis for several months

- if my ex really meant any of her words, she would have known what TO DO. Which was first thing to get rid of her affair. She never did.

 

As I do not wish anyone to go through something similar i went to that I am teling you that.

I know your heart is telling you some things (that is why you ask "what should I do") and your mind is telling you something else.

 

Once again, learn to read the actions and not only the words....(my humble suggestion that would have saved me months of saddness, lots of crying, plenty of insecurity, angerness...and all the things come associated with it that you already know).

 

 

 

BTW, if you reply to that sms i am of the opinion that you are only showing lack of respect to yourself, weakness and that she can get you back whenever she wants.

 

NC.

[DMK]

Thanks for all the great replies. I would be lying if I didn't admit it was a small ego boost and also almost NICE to see her say that, manipulative or not. Because through all this there really had not been any showing of remorse, regret, or apology.

 

That said you are all totally correct. This is just a few words strung together and no more. Actions are what were necessary, swift and definite, not time for a test drive with a new person and then hop on back when that doesn't work out. There has never been any indication of a desire to leave the OM or stop, even before this all came out in the open, and I suspected, and she had the chance, she was already hooked and not looking back. Typical "grass is greener" syndrome, at the time it was an easy decision for her, now it's likely not quite as rosy I guess.

 

All that said, I will be strong. I get uneasier feeling actually thinking of having to take her back then to move on, my ego would feel good briefly, but the reality of living with it, the lies, the mistrust, would be SO difficult to overcome. I mean in your case Alex, you went through it so you know what I mean, you thought it would work and you WANTED to believe it. When she came back was there any agreement with you on full open access to her things? Her phone records, her e-mail, facebook, anything like that? I mean it's a shame to take it that far but I would think any attempt at a reconciliation after this would require the one who cheated to make their lives an open book to you.

 

All that said, I am back in NC. Nothing short of an all out lengthy apology and admission of guilt and 100% cutoff of the affair would even get me to entertain any meeting of any kind, and I feel that's rather unlikely, so I'll continue on my path.

 

Thanks for the kind support, what a great group you all are here! Thank you!

[alexinter2003]

… the lies, the mistrust, would be SO difficult to overcome.

 

Yes. I am of the opinion that if the partner breaks up and starts a new relationship whether Rebound or not and all these lies, manipulations, games… are not played. Then a reconciliation could occur.

Though on your case and mine I think might be more difficult as if anytime down the road these people realize they did not take the right choice (if is the case) then they might have a big feeling of guiltiness that may stop them from any attempt to come back.

 

To me makes sense.

 

I mean in your case Alex, you went through it so you know what I mean, you thought it would work and you WANTED to believe it. When she came back was there any agreement with you on full open access to her things? Her phone records, her e-mail, facebook, anything like that? I mean it's a shame to take it that far but I would think any attempt at a reconciliation after this would require the one who cheated to make their lives an open book to you.

 

Yes. I wanted to believe in her words as a token of our trust being re built. Do not remember asking fur such “open policy” towards emails or phone calls.

Might have been a mistake.

But then, if one is supposed to reunite, how can I live with someone who cannot trust on her word.

I took the option of trusting in her again.

As I told her:

"to me is like we have a new beginning".

 

She screw it up over and over.

 

Which probably made her feel a strong feeling of guiltiness.

Probably that feeling of guiltiness is not towards the other person as she never cheated on him… which I think may helped her at the end of the day to have a more “mind free of any guilt” when spending time with the other guy.

 

 

All that said, I am back in NC. Nothing short of an all out lengthy apology and admission of guilt and 100% cutoff of the affair would even get me to entertain any meeting of any kind, and I feel that's rather unlikely, so I'll continue on my path.

 

That’s probably the best.

 

Thanks for the kind support, what a great group you all are here! Thank you!

 

Your welcome !!

 

 

[DMK]

Alex,

 

So sorry to hear that your attempts to reconcile and rebuild trust backfired.

 

It makes a lot of sense. A breakup is just that, you break up, you're not together anymore, you can see other people without guilt, without wondering what others think, without looking in the mirror at hating yourself for what you did.

 

Unfortunately in this case she has to live with guilt. And I'm sure that's not there all the time, it comes and goes, but ultimately I was not a bad guy to her. Sure, she had a point in saying that we had spent less time together as a couple this year. But that said, it is NOT enough to justify an affair and the lies. And that guilt is a lot easier to run away from than it is to face.

 

If they come back, if they want to reconcile, they have to face that infidelity every single day. Forever if they choose to stay. And it doesn't last usually because I think it's a lot easier for them to not face it. That guilt comes back to them every time they look at you, spend time with you, and they have to live with the fact they basically don't trust you. In their new relationship, they don't have the guilt, they are trusted, and while it might not be as strong as what they had with you, at LEAST there is trust and no guilt....

 

Anyway that's what I see about reconciliation. It fails more than it works because the deck is stacked so way against it unfortunately.

 

Would I give her another chance? It's a scary thought. If she visibly could show signs of change, regret, and somehow convinced me she was worthy of being trusted again, maybe. However you get to know someone pretty well over the years. And unfortunately with this one, I think it's much easier for her to not look back so that is the option she will prefer.

[AMR]

Well, in my opinion these sort of people already demonstrated they prefer a brand new relationship with "no hard feelings" (guiltiness, trust broken...) than behaving as adults and working things out.

 

I think some people may have a chance but once again as you said they should kind of "grow up" as indivduals and be brave enough to admit what happen and work its way around.

I am the sort of people that thinks there is almost always a way to work things out. That we all make mistakes.

Though... this view probably was not shared with my ex.

 

Therefore me puttin all my effort to forgive and look forward did not matter much as she may still have feelings whe cannot or does not know how to deal with herself.

That is probably why lots of couples do not recover from infidelity.

Because it should be really treated within the couple and men!

It takes guts to face it !!

 

lots of guts !!

 

Not only the infidelity thing, but also some issues may come before all happens.

 

 

NC is my secon name from now on

[DMK]

I dunno, I realize it's a weakness in me but I still have trouble sometimes letting go of the hope that something in her will snap and she'll "wake up" and realize that this can all be fixed, trust can come back with work, etc...But there's so much that makes that difficult for the both of us and I of course realize just putting it all behind is the right thing to do, the right way to go, but my heart and head keep trying to lead me down the wrong path of hopefulness.

 

I mean it takes incredible guts for both people to try again, of the one who cheated to actually face it and attone for it, every day, and courage for the person who is taking them back to try and trust again, and to forgive. It's a lot easier to run away and not look back. A clean slate, a fresh start, is the EASY thing, for both parties. But that doesn't mean it's what we want all the time, either.

 

But then again the mentality of someone who has cheated is typically to not face problems. If they faced problems, they would have talked them over with you and tried to resolve, or broken up with you, without the cheating. The cheating by nature is a very UN-brave thing to do. So, for them to attempt reconciliation, that almost goes against the nature of their personality. By nature, they are afraid.

 

NC is the way to go as the text set me back some, at first I thought it would make me feel better but in the end it made me realize I miss her too.

[DMK]

Ugh. NOW what? She put herself on an online dating service (I was looking to get an idea of what's out there). She is looking for someone new and this means it didn't work out with the OM, why didn't she tell me that? What to do...

[abouttime]

Awe! It didn't work out. That just reinforces the fact that she is a tramp. Again, be thankful.

[AMR]

...I still have trouble sometimes letting go of the hope that something in her will snap and she'll "wake up" and realize that this can all be fixed, trust can come back with work, etc...

 

I'm afraid things do not happen like that. Suddenly realizing...

At least did not happen to me.

 

Well, she got kind of an internal fight to whether she wanted to be with... Sometimes she came back to me... but then she still wanted to spend time with him...

 

How ended up...The curiosity for something new won.

 

 

...

But then again the mentality of someone who has cheated is typically to not face problems. If they faced problems, they would have talked them over with you and tried to resolve, or broken up with you, without the cheating. The cheating by nature is a very UN-brave thing to do. So, for them to attempt reconciliation, that almost goes against the nature of their personality. By nature, they are afraid.

 

Your heart tells you some thing. Your head tells you what is obvious.

 

...

NC is the way to go as the text set me back some, at first I thought it would make me feel better but in the end it made me realize I miss her too.

 

Is normal. You still have feelings towards her. Came out of the blue...

I think I said that in one post here or in Brenda's that is ironic that as dumpees we still have feelings for that person, but in order for us to heal... think we should kind of kill (or bury) those feelings we still have.

Otherwise we linger in the past. And the present shows us a harsh different reality.

[arcadefire]

From my experience with a cheater, even if she comes back to you and begs for your forgiveness and so forth, trying to win back your affection with remorse... it still won't work out in the end. I had an ex who cheated on me do this exact thing. When caught with sufficient evidence, he vowed to change and to never do anything to hurt me again, but what are these empty promises when he couldn't keep them to start with? The trust is gone.

 

She consciously chose to stray from you and it wasn't a one time mistake. She chose to do this behind your back. Cheaters are by nature very good at lying, and coming back with tears and remorse are just an act.

 

Sorry to hear that you've seen news of her on a dating site. This just goes to show how immature she is to drop you, as things didn't work out with the person she cheated on you with. It's best to not think much of that, but I know that is easier said than done.

[DMK]

Actually, don't be sorry. In retrospect I am pleased with all of these developments. First of all, whether it meant anything or not, I got some sort of apology from her a couple days ago. It meant something to me because all I have known her, she's never been apologetic for anything. It was validation to me that I at least think she valued our time together at some point (obviously not anymore but still...)

 

Second, she is not with OM anymore most likely. That's also a plus. She is out there on her own, living her life, and I think this will be a good growing experience for her. Had she stayed with OM that just showed me she was not learning to stand on her own two feet, just going from one relationship to nurture her to another. I hope/think this will be good for her.

 

So really, I am ok with all this news this week. Still back into NC-land of course, but nothing that happened this week really got me down at all. In fact, if she had decided to call it quits without the sneaking around and lying, I'd probably be wishing her the best.

[AMR]

She consciously chose to stray from you and it wasn't a one time mistake. She chose to do this behind your back. Cheaters are by nature very good at lying, and coming back with tears and remorse are just an act.

 

Totally true !!

 

An Oscar should win more than one for the type of play.

[Sparkie]

Well done mate

 

You are pretty much the ena poster boy on how to handle a situation like this. Calmly, with dignity, accepting what you can't change, and getting on with it.

 

From here in, it will be tough at times. At your low points, your mind will seek out quick and easy relief from the turmoil. At the moment, the easiest 'fix' is from her. Small contacts, small ego boosts, time spend wondering and searching for answers. But trust me my friend. It is nothing but a quick fix.

 

Always keep an eye on the big picture. You can't go back to her like it was. That relationship is dead, and can't ever be. Once the trust is gone, it's all gone. Sure you might feel better in the short term, but it'll never be the same.

 

So accept the 5h!t days for what they are. natural blips in the process. And ride through them as best you can. It does get better; it just takes time. And the problem with time, is that it takes time!

[DMK]

Sparkie,

 

Thank you so much, that is incredibly kind. You are exactly right about the mindset. When there has been brief contact it has been an uptick or ego boost but then it quickly fades. It's an addiction all on its own.

 

There are no indications of her wanting to ever explain herself or go back to the relationship so I don't even have any decisions to make there. That would have made it even more difficult. It was easier to justify the NC when I realized that, even if I assumed the worst with an OM, there was still dishonesty and that's as bad as cheating. Plus, I have been reading a lot and learning, once you accept THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER it becomes easier. The other thing to accept is SHE IS FREE and I AM FREE. I like looking at it that way because it frees me from worrying about what she is doing, who with, etc. She is on the same level as any other girl out there in the world who is single. She no longer has any responsibilities to me, nor I her.

 

You're very right though, on the lows and highs. There are uncontrollable but I am doing ok going through it without meds or anything, I am a pretty strong person with a great support system. Proud to say even partying it up a couple nights with some friends and drinks, I didn't even have any temptation to text or call. Small signs I am moving on.

 

Thanks for your post, I really appreciate it.

[Sparkie]

Good for you mate. Glad you have people around you who care. Just remember this isn't linear so it'll be a bit all over the shop. And that's normal.

 

You're right to not wonder what she's up to. I used to imagine the worst and deal with that so there was nothing I needed to fear or be sad about. Keep posting mate because I'm sure there are plenty of people who will read this thread at some point and get some inspiration from it.

[DMK]

Thanks. That is a great way to describe it. At some moments you are very strong, at others very weak. For example today I am craving that contact again, even a small sliver of it, it's truly like an addiction in and of itself. I realize it but it doesn't make it any easier to let go of it. Willpower is key here, for sure, and I can certainly see how some folks have trouble maintaining a strict NC situation.

 

With time it will get easier to be out of contact, still inside the 1 month mark of everything exploding I have to remember it's all pretty fresh.

[DMK]

Having the lows today and hating myself for it!

 

Went back to the dating site again and search and she was ONLINE - I am sure she is getting lots of offers for dates as she is gorgeous. Why does that bother me so much? I guess that's just something I have to work on.

 

The other thing is that it's now very clear to me she is not involved with OM -- And that's the whole reason I kicked her out to begin with. I mean at least if she is broken up with OM that gives us the opportunity to talk, right? I want to at least do that, and get closure, but now I am in NC, and don't want to break that. There are questions I really want to ask, things I'd like to know...But I feel like I'd be such a weakling for asking. I mean this whole thing started because I thought she was seeing this other guy, now it turns out I might have been wrong? I mean there was definite evidence of deceit for sure which is tough to get over but I never really told her, get away from the OM and we can talk. I just told her to leave.

 

What do I do? I'd look like a weak fool if I contacted first, wouldn't I?

 

I feel like I need some sort of closure on this, to know what really happened in her own words and honestly hear what I did to lead her down that path, in order to improve myself. I never even got the chance to have that talk. Is it too late or now that she and OM are not together is it a chance I have to get this?

[arcadefire]

Yes, I know there are tons of questions swimming around in your head. You would want to know why the other man, why the cheating, when, how, how often, when last, etc. I wish I had never asked my cheating ex the questions I did the night I caught him because those terrible images have never left my mind.

 

Seeing her again, contacting her again, talking to her, it will not lead to closure. Nothing will satisfy you, not one answer she gives will satisfy you. If they are truthful, it will sear itself into your mind, and you will spend sleepless nights with images in your head wanting to hurl. If she lies, then you will still not be satisfied because you will think she is still hiding something from you. That is why NC works so well is because you allow yourself some breathing room to think about your needs first, not to pollute your thoughts on unnecessary information that is unhealthy for your mind.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not she is still with the other guy. The fact remains that she still cheated on you. Her character and morals are in deep question. The reason you broke it off with her is not because of this man but because of her disgusting behavior and disrespect to you.

 

You didn't do anything to "lead" her into another man's bed. She chose to do this. Asking yourself what you could've done differently would still lead to the same outcome, as her actions are hers alone and those are the choices she made - without you in the picture.