Sharing my story...Would love support/opinions...

[DMK]

This is a great point. I do want to know "why" for some reason yet I realize there's potential hurt. I probably don't want to hear details but at the phase I am at I guess I am starting to think, okay I really need to know what part I played in causing all of this, because it had to be something. I can speculate and guess, and maybe get it right, but I almost thought if I heard it from her at least I would know.

 

However, your point is solid - How do I know that's even the truth or just her version of it. Very good point there.

 

Furthermore, there was absolutely some version/form of dishonesty there and there is no denying that. As soon as I knew enough to know she was lying I stopped digging or asking because you're right, it was disrespectful. In so many other cases I read about here it seems people had solid evidence or knew more, in the end, I guess I can't even say with certainty whether she slept with this guy, or it was just an EA, or what, but it was at least enough to tell me I'd had enough of it.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[Cal Lily]

Remember, most women naturally communicate with words, while men usually communicate with actions. No one wants to argue the rest of his/her life; and if you find yourself in a relationship without any communication at all, you may as well just be roommates.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. The same thing happened to me, except my X still prosecutes me for leaving him. He broke us up, moved out, dated first, and told me to get lost because he would NEVER marry me. Then he blamed me for dating his romantic friend, (who treated me way better); so my X ruined my reputation, my new relationship, and my life.

 

Take a leap. Communicate. Listen. And try to be polite, respectful, and compassionate. Remember what brought the 2 of you together. Who knows, maybe you still have a chance. Also remember that Alcoholics act different than the rest of us.

[DMK]

Weakened today and ended up breaking NC. My bad.

 

I ended up sending a short e-mail asking if we could talk about what happened, IF she is not dating anyone else and would be open to talking.

 

She wrote back a longer e-mail with the following (quotes where it was literally from the mail):

 

- "Thanks for writing."

 

(I assume my reaching out was in a way a gift to her in that it probably eases some of her guilt, oh well).

 

- "I am very sorry for the way things happened. It was an extremely difficult decision for me to make, and it's been very hard on me."

 

(Apologetic at least though saying "the way things happened" is still a major tiptoe around the A, she still to this day has not admitted or explained and I figure never will.)

 

- She is "focusing on herself and her new life".

 

(She ran from it all, wants a total clean slate).

 

- She is looking for a new job.

 

(Her co-workers were all her best friends and knew about the A and supported me, helped bring it into the open, so whether she is still there or not, she needs to run from that as well to help her get the clean slate and not have to face what she did, basically, a brand new life top to bottom).

 

- She is "just wanting to start over".

 

- On my comment on dating: "I'm not worried about dating other people right now as I've told you before."

 

(noticed no clear confirmation here that she wasn't though, carefully worded, and like I said, she was on a dating site yesterday, so this sort of means she will be dating other people anyway, which she has the full right to do and always has, she does not do "single" well).

 

- "I don't think that meeting to talk is a good idea. I don't see how it could help anything at this point."

 

(Fair enough and that will be the last attempt I make. I am comfortable with the fact I at least tried to open the door one last time.)

 

- "It would be really hard for me to see you and not break down right now. I hope you understand."

 

(I imagine a combination of guilt and maybe missing me as well but won't draw any inferences).

 

And that's how it ended. I am doing OK with this and glad that I tried. A little disappointed at myself for breaking NC and maybe even making her feel better about what she did by being so inviting and all, but I did hope I might be able to at least get some info and learn a little more about what led to it happening. Glad I tried though, and I don't think this has set me back personally at all.

[Cal Lily]

Hey, DMK. You are on good terms with her right now. That is the hard part. Stay friends. Knock off blaming her, expecting her to be guilty, and all the passive manipulation; unless you want to remain single. Forgive her and yourself, to make room for love. Look at yourself to see what negative stuff YOU feed into the situation.

 

Forgive each other, remain on good terms, learn to communicate well, and allow something better to grow. Give it time.

 

Watch the "No Contact" passive manipulation strategy, though. It often backfires.

 

"Absence often makes the heart grows absent."

 

Hang in there, buddy. Time heals. I think you still have a chance to revive the relationship. Take care of yourself, so when the moment arrives to reconnect, you will be ready. Perfect Communicating !

[arcadefire]

Well, at least you can tell yourself that you tried. The ball is in her court now, and she is moving on. So should you. Stay strong!

[DMK]

Hey, DMK. You are on good terms with her right now. That is the hard part. Stay friends. Knock off blaming her, expecting her to be guilty, and all the passive manipulation; unless you want to remain single. Forgive her and yourself, to make room for love. Look at yourself to see what negative stuff YOU feed into the situation.

 

Forgive each other, remain on good terms, learn to communicate well, and allow something better to grow. Give it time.

 

Watch the "No Contact" passive manipulation strategy, though. It often backfires.

 

"Absence often makes the heart grows absent."

 

Hang in there, buddy. Time heals. I think you still have a chance to revive the relationship. Take care of yourself, so when the moment arrives to reconnect, you will be ready. Perfect Communicating !

 

Thanks Cal Lily. Time will heal. I don't have a lot of room in my heart for hate so the way things ended, terms-wise, are fine with me. Forgiving is tough but ultimately you can't force someone to love you or stay so I am letting her live the life she has chosen. I am happy I at least tried to open the door for a conversation but am not planning to continually check on her or ask. I am not doing NC as a way to get her back or to punish her or anything, just more for myself and to help move n from this as well.

 

If absence makes the heart grow absent, so be it.

 

Thanks a lot for your reply, and I of course will be taking care of myself and at least hoping the experience of this can make her a better person as well.

[DMK]

Well, at least you can tell yourself that you tried. The ball is in her court now, and she is moving on. So should you. Stay strong!

 

Very perfectly put! Exactly right. While it was a little hard to see her say she is starting her "new life", that's ultimately what she wanted, I guess. Total clean slate as far as not just me and the relationship, but also her friends, her job, place she lives, etc. Total reset button for her life. Talk about a sudden change in 1 month!

 

Then again, I guess this is what happens to folks in an R who have an A. They need to get away from any signs of it or memories of it to try and move on themselves.

 

So naturally, I will let her go. Feeling stronger every day, too.

[Sparkie]

Try and stay away from this

 

... so I am letting her live the life she has chosen.......... and at least hoping the experience of this can make her a better person as well.......

 

And think more like this

 

So naturally, I will let her go. Feeling stronger every day, too.

 

 

She has chosen a life without you in it (at this stage) which is her decision. She has been very clear in both her words and her actions. It is not your decision to 'let her go'. She is gone, with or without your blessing.

 

Let her go from your heart, for you and your healing. That will be the quickest route out of this. I know it strokes the ego to feel as though we are somehow man enough to let her go so she can do what she wants, but the reality is she is gone regardless. Forgive so you can move your emotions away from this. She doesn't need your forgiveness.

[DMK]

That's a great post, Sparkie, thanks. The second quote definitely represents my state of mind lately much better than the first. By doing what she did, and leaving of her own free will, she has absolved me of any responsibility for her. Despite 4 years together she is now on her own. So what she chooses to do with her life is 100% her responsibility.

 

I definitely did push her out the door in the beginning, which started all this, but I think she needed/wanted that push anyway, considering she was continuing to see OM with no regard to me, and denying even the concrete evidence. She may have stuck around longer or even tried to work things out had I let her, but I had to cut back on the doormat.

 

The great part of being out of contact in the real world and online is that it makes it easier to focus on myself and not on her.

 

You're right, it's all about me, not about her. Not at all anymore.

[turnera]

Me...I'm all about putting someone's actions right back in their face, and letting them deal with it.

 

She says:

"I'm not worried about dating other people right now as I've told you before."

 

You say back:

Hah, that's really funny! I guess all the guys you're hooking up with on the ABC dating site don't know that, do they?

 

And then never contact her again.

[DMK]

Well, it takes one to know one, I suppose, as I myself have an account on that site and had it before even she did (though I had no intention to date, was just looking to see the field out there for future reference, sort of one of the shock-reactions I had to being cheated on and suddenly single and non-engaged).

 

Her reaction was to put herself on there. However knowing her past she is very likely dating even if things fell apart with OM. She doesn't do "alone" very well, she needs male companionship for validation and due to her own insecurities. She has no problem getting dates the way she looks so it's very simple.

 

However, following the e-mail I quoted above, I did stop all contact and that's it. Nothing more to say. There's really no reason to trust her even if she said "I am not dating anyone for a year", plus "Not worried about dating" doesn't mean "not dating", she chooses her words carefully, very sneaky.

 

All that said, I am cool with it all. Moving on! Thanks for your post.

[Cal Lily]

DMK, sorry if i sounded so harsh in the beginning. But I am intrigued with this blog, maybe because you have touched on some things that are going on in my current relationships? Your side (the man's side of the relationship) has aroused some thoughts & questions within me, too long to elaborate on here.

 

Would you be interested in messaging privately? If so, hit me up.

 

Good luck, love, and perfect works to you and whatever destiny has in store for you.

 

 

[DMK]

PM sent. Happy to chat. Still about the same right now, not really counting the days but probably around 1 1/2 months since the breakup. Still a mix of roller coaster emotions good and bad. But have not contacted at ALL. Been very solid with that. Even on her birthday which was a perfect window TO contact, I didn't. I just have to keep telling myself, I can't be a doormat, and I have too much self-respect to be a person who grovels or begs or looks for scraps of contact.

 

Let's face it, for girls in general it's usually easier to get a new guy, and especially for a girl as beautiful as my ex, so she can continue to date and get as many new guys as she wants, really she can have the pick of them based on her looks alone, so she won't have to go through this alone ever if she doesn't want to. But the shame of that is that I don't think it ever gives her the opportunity to learn anything. Beautiful girls can be very ignorant in life if they choose to be. Oh well. I of course was attracted to her beauty but also her other qualities and would have done my best to take care of her and give her a good life. Who knows if the new guys will. But her life is now no longer mine to comment or decide on.

 

Hanging in there, staying in NC, waiting for the rollercoaster to slow down!

[blue-eyes]

I can relate to your story. I have been in 3 serious relationships and cheated on in every one of them. The really ironic thing is that in the last two they went on to marry the girl they cheated with after promising marriage to me for years. After so many bad relationships you start to wonder what's wrong with you. Am I genetically predisposed to pick cheaters and men who will take advantage of me. What do I do that turns them away??

 

I am competent, financially stable, attractive, in shape, goal oriented. What's the problem?

 

Here is my word of advice: at some point you will get over her and move on, but letting go of the insecurities her and every woman before her created is going to be difficult. That's where I am. I'm with a man that I believe is truly wonderful. I know he will never cheat on me. I trust him completely....but at times I freak. I feel almost as if I'm waiting for him to leave me. Instead of being selfless and giving, as I was in my failed relationships, I've tried to concentrate on myself and work on becoming more secure in who I am. Anyway...just something to think about. And really thanks for sharing. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

[DMK]

Thanks for your post, blue-eyes. I guess what I have learned over the years is that it is a combination. Because no matter how bad a relationship is, for someone to actually cheat is the next step. It would be one thing to have a string of failed relationships, but to be in them where you are cheated on and lied to, that's partially the fault of the person you chose to be in the relationship with, too.

 

In fact, probably even moreso. I still have trouble blaming myself for what happened, and certainly there are things I could have done better in my relationships...But I'm learning the very first thing I could have done better was to have chosen a better partner to begin with. In all cases, I can't say I was 100% happy in the relationships, but I was a person who would settle for "good enough" and I think that comes through. I didn't need someone who was 100% perfect, just someone who would go through life with me during all the ups and downs. I was not looking for Miss Perfect, but rather, just someone who loved me and I her, and who we could lean on in tough times.

 

What I ended up doing was choosing girls who I could learn on, but who basically could not lean on me, or trust in me, and eventually went elsewhere.

 

There is nothing you can do about being with a cheater, unfortunately. They made cheating and dishonesty a choice. They could have talked to you, broken it off, had the decency to leave before anything had happened...Instead they chose the road of deceit. So that thought does give me some comfort, knowing that it was a flaw in them, not in me, that led to that result. Still, not 100% their fault, either, but not nearly all mine.

[blue-eyes]

I agree. The tricky thing is picking someone to put your trust in. In the past I didn't think the men I chose would cheat, but then again I wasn't looking closely at their character. I wanted someone smart and fun to be and overlooked a lot of little character flaws, such as white lies. Those small things grew, and I lost respect for them as people and eventually found myself in the middle of heartbreak and betrayal. The character of the person is so important. After one divorce and the end of 2 long term relationships I finally see that. Lesson learned.

[DMK]

That's the biggest problem with winding up dating or married to a cheater -- I mean unless you have solid evidence or they are telling you they cheated in the past, you just DON'T know. That's the shocking part of when this happens. You just don't believe that the person actually had it in them to DO that to you. The betrayal and lies often hurt more than the physical act of the cheating itself.

 

Like you, it is taking me a while to learn this. The unfortunate thing is you cannot control another human being and prevent them from cheating. Ever. You can only be the best YOU that you can be, and hope it is enough.

 

Everyone has character flaws, and no relationship is 100 percent perfect, but the key is, can you communicate about those flaws and love each other despite it. You make a good point there, that has me thinking about my ex as well. She definitely had things about her character I didn't like. And I might have gone the wrong way in communicating that, or even just looked the other way, or when I did talk about it, did it in the wrong way -- And that can push a person away.

 

Still, all that said, never an excuse for cheating no matter what. Leaving the relationship, sure, but cheating is such a terrible act of betrayal that no one deserves to be put through.

[DMK]

Just checking in here for the heck of it. Wedding would have been this weekend, 3 days away from now actually, so it's kinda weird. Getting past this weekend seems like some sort of wall or something, for whatever reason. I realize it's just any other day now. Spending the entire weekend with my best friends in the world and doing fun stuff so it should be cool. Ironically it looks like Saturday is going to be a very pleasant day, weather-wise, too.

 

I still struggle some days and miss her a great deal, the good her of course, not the issues and problems we faced. Trying to get past that and realize that what happened was a good thing, because better to know ahead of the game than years down the line. So I get that. Still, I wonder if there was realistically a way for us to work, too. That's the hard fact to face, though with NC continuing now since I broke it that once (post #78), I guess that puts me at 26 days strict NC (no emails, calls, texts, looking at profiles, etc) I am doing the right thing for myself.

 

I still stupidly wonder if she ever thinks back to me or us, she certainly at least has to this weekend, though wonder if it's with a sigh of relief rather than regret. I have luckily been able to shield myself knowing who she is with and how fast she moved on (and if it was the OM or a new guy) but knowing that does me no good. As a beautiful girl I have no doubt she can avoid being alone even for a day if she wants to, which is a benefit to her. She holds all the cards there. Of course as they say, you learn more and grow more when you look at yourself, and change, rather than just rebounding.

 

All that said, all things considered, not even 2 months post-breakup, would-be wedding this weekend, I think I am doing ok mentally, physically, and with my NC.

 

Just wanted to check in.

[turnera]

As a beautiful girl I have no doubt she can avoid being alone even for a day if she wants to, which is a benefit to her.

Actually, that's not entirely true. Or at least necessarily true.

 

That could actually hinder her from having to face herself in the mirror, or to learn to be ok with herself, or to not lean on her looks to get what she wants (she won't have them forever).

 

I always told my daughter to look for the not-so-good-looking guys, as the gorgeous ones always got whatever they wanted, rarely had to struggle, and tended to think more of themselves than their partner. Of course there are exceptions.

 

Out of about 10 guys she's dated in the last 5 or 6 years (she's 19), every third one or so is gorgeous, and every one of them has turned out to be a total jerk.

[DMK]

You make a great point about the beauty - Of course we know it's only skin deep, and it fades with time.

 

If anything, it does give her the opportunity to postpone any learning and at least get into rebounds easily. For all I know I was a rebound (one that lasted 4 years) because we met online and getting a date with her was very easy.

 

I don't necessarily think she targets pretty boys, I am above average at best I'd say, but rather targets guys who she can manipulate with her looks, etc -- In other words, if you "date down" a bit as a girl, you can probably wrap a guy around your finger a little easier as a girl. I was a victim to that as well. I probably put up with a lot more than I should have over the years and a lot of that could be due to how attractive she was.

 

Anyway I obviously can't concern myself with this now, whether she continues the pattern or straightens out or just finds "the one" that matches her better, as it's her life and I've got no say in that. However, you make a great point in that she will not have to face herself in the mirror as she can easily replace the void of a man in her life with a new one, and have her pick of any guy she wants the way she looks, drinks, parties, etc -- She's a very attractive "fun" package and I get that. It's what got me in as well.

 

It doesn't foster you in the long term, usually, but at least it gives her the crutch she needs to forget about her actions and get her needs immediately met elsewhere. Kind of unfair in that regard but then again life isn't always fair!

[turnera]

I didn't mean that SHE was targeting pretty boys, I was just making that point about them not having to work as hard as us regular people.

 

And as you said, she got away with a lot. Not great for growing good moral character, IMO.

[DMK]

Turnera,

 

Thanks for the reply, you really do get it. That's sort of the curse I think of being beautiful and exploiting it -- My ex really hasn't been forced to mature or grow, she's been fostered by jumping from R to R and never having to look inward, instead just using drugs, alcohol, or the high of a new relationship (sex, intimacy, excitement) to dull her depression pain. In that regard I feel bad for her that she is stuck in a cycle. I was hoping to be the one to break that cycle in her and help her into a new phase of her life, but it's apparent now that either she wasn't ready, or I wasn't the right guy to be able to do that for her.

 

It's bad enough that she has struggled with chemical addiction and depression in the past (and continues to), but even tougher than her beauty has allowed her to easily get attention from guys, which offsets the negative aspects of her personality, and allows her to continue down the line of the self-destructive behavior.

 

It was a real eye-opener when I read that taking depression medication but then drinking alcohol regularly almost every day made any medication completely ineffective. Here I was thinking, good, she is seeing a doctor for her depression and getting help and medication, but then I realized, she is just drinking alcohol every night and it's completely nullifying any benefit her meds could be having.

 

The sad thing in all of it is that I still love her for her positive aspects and I hope she can turn her life around...I'm certainly not waiting around for her in any regard but if somewhere down the road she figured this out and actually made positive changes, what a wonderful girl she has the potential to be.

[blue-eyes]

Reading your last post sent me back in time. When you love someone you see the best in them and hope that they'll wake up and realize how amazing you were to them and change. It never happens that way, and that's exactly how I felt about my ex. Not only was he a friend for years and my bf for three years, but he is also the father of our two year old daughter. I hoped and prayed that he would come to his senses, change, and come back to me and his daughter. Even after he cheated and told me he didn't love me or see me in his future. Even after he proposed to the woman he cheated with I still had hope. Then one Saturday he sent me a text inviting me to lunch. I thought he wanted to reconcile. Nope. He actually iwanted me and our daughter to have lunch with him and his fiancee. Weird and hurtful. He is a game player and knew how I felt and that his invitation would hurt me. For some reason in that moment I realized how little he cared for me and what type of person he truly is and all feeling for him died. As soon as I was able to let go of him my new bf entered my life and he is the most wonderful man I have ever met. So...I guess my point in telling you this story is to say you deserve better, don't hope she will change, but pray and hope that you will be able to see her for who she truly is and change the way you feel. It's very freeing. I thank God every day that I am no longer with my ex. His cheating actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

[DMK]

Great post, blue-eyes, thank you. It makes a lot of sense.

 

I have been finding that with each passing day, I have an easier time remembering the bad qualities/times more than the good ones. As you know it is not an overnight change but a gradual one, but I am getting there.

 

The good news is that I gave up the hope of her turning around to reconcile or "seeing the err in her ways" a while ago, and I have at least been able to let go of that hope.

 

I am not past the point of missing her yet, as I know that will take time and space (plus getting past the old wedding date this weekend), but that will lessen as well, I am sure, like everything else.

 

Glad to hear your story had a happy ending.

[DMK]

By the way I'm not sure how change of address type stuff works, but a few weeks ago I got a "change of address" notification type thing with her name on it, just put it aside and didn't open it. I haven't been getting a lot of mail from her except for the occasional catalog (which I don't think they forward) and magazine subscription, though today I got a credit card offer (which I haven't seen in weeks) AND, this is the tough one, her mail-in prescription for her depression medication (the stuff she takes and then drinks alcohol with which really doesn't help at all and negates anyway, but still, she goes through the charade of staying on the stuff).

 

That said I wasn't worried about the magazines or catalogs but probably should try and get her the meds before she tries to come get them, so I am debating dropping all this stuff off in a box at her work for someone to get to her...Maybe the change of address thing needs to be confirmed in writing or something and since she never got that packet a few weeks ago, it's reverting back to her original address again? I have no idea how the process works. Just want to stay in NC.