just found my ex on plenty of fish....

[mattguy]

okay i am freaking out a little bit here; I have a hidden profile on POF and today i was just BROWSING (cause im so not ready to get into something new..)

 

and there it was ... my ex made a new profile (and of course it showed up as a good match for me ....)

 

its the first time ive seen him on that site , he looks really good in the new pictures. . .

 

it just feels so... unfair ... here i am -not moved on at all after 3 months, i still cry sometimes. and there he is - looking for the new me ... the new version of us.

 

its a hard pill to swallow and of course i stumble on it at 2am, its gonna take a while to get to sleep tonight.

 

I know I cant do anything and it was bound to happen ... but it still hurts, makes me feel like maybe I didnt mean that much to him after all, if hes moving on so fast .... I was kind of comforting myself telling myself he is in the same place as me, not ready to date, just busy living life ect ect.

 

ouch

[Rob1000]

he may not be ready to date. I was on dating sites within a week of my ex dumping me last year. It was purely a distraction from the heart break and a way of feeling human again, like any attention I got was a good thing.

 

Don't beat yourself thinking about it.

[mattguy]

he may not be ready to date. I was on dating sites within a week of my ex dumping me last year. It was purely a distraction from the heart break and a way of feeling human again, like any attention I got was a good thing.

 

Don't beat yourself thinking about it.

thanks for that, it actually made me feel a bit better . i guess its just fear of the expected really happening and it makes it feel like yes, it def is over now

[Rob1000]

no probs... maybe you should put your profile up. get out there and see for yourself what other great people there are waiting for you. even if you dont send any messages you're bound to get a few and thats always a great ego booster, especially when you're down and out after a break up. You can block your ex from seeing you too.

[abigheart]

I can imagine how that can sting, sorry that you had to come accross it

 

But I agree with Rob1000, I doubt that he is feeling even remotely 100% clear-headed, probably just in need of a distraction and receive attention.

 

Also, don't feel too bad about yourself or that his new profile page means that you didn't mean anything to him. Just 'cause he's made a new profile and looks great in his new pictures, doesn't mean YOUR self worth or anything about you diminishes. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense, but be confident in yourself and don't try to keep visiting his page.

 

It is a bitter pill to swallow and makes you cringe, but even if it is a sign that it's definitely over, you can't just stay stuck. Know that this is an even bigger motive to move on...you can do it.

[No1]

Come on.. be honest with me for a second, you were half hoping to find him on there. You were fearful of it, but you were kind of expecting it at the same time. Thats why you were looking.

Careful what you look for cause you just might find it. And quit obsessing about your X.. Its over, Accept it. move on..

[Rob1000]

And quit obsessing about your X.. Its over, Accept it. move on..

 

Dude.. a little compassion here please. The guy is hurting. If he wanted to be told bluntly to accept it and move on then he wouldn't be here. People come here for support, not to be made feel bad.

[Speranza]

No! Don't... tempting but wouldn't help in the least!

 

My gay ex-husband has always used dating as a way to take his mind off things, as far as I can see. In fact has a history of running a mile if anyone actually likes him.

 

I was on PoF for years and never really wanted to find anybody, it was (as someone just said) a way of 'getting out there' without actually - well, getting out there!

 

It isn't any comment on your relationship and certainly probably nothing with wanting 'the new version of me and him'.

 

Here's a lateral thought - I don't know how you broke up, but it always hurts - but if someone is keen to get out there again it sort of shows he valued what you had in a weird way. So it's a sort of compliment. I know that probably doesn't help when you hurt like hell, but - at least you didn't put him off relationships... Hugs to you.

[No1]

Dude.. a little compassion here please. The guy is hurting. If he wanted to be told bluntly to accept it and move on then he wouldn't be here. People come here for support, not to be made feel bad.

 

OH I know Rob. I know he is hurting, but he has been obsessing for months over the X. He has to move on now tho. Holding on wont help him heal. If you fall down, you have to get back up. The X has moved on with his life. He is ready to date, and I know it hurts, it killed me when I found out my X was already in love with someone else. But there is calming when you know there is a final resolution and its over for good, no chance in getting back, you can pick up and continue forward.

[Rob1000]

OH I know Rob. I know he is hurting, but he has been obsessing for months over the X. He has to move on now tho. Holding on wont help him heal. If you fall down, you have to get back up. The X has moved on with his life. He is ready to date, and I know it hurts, it killed me when I found out my X was already in love with someone else. But there is calming when you know there is a final resolution and its over for good, no chance in getting back, you can pick up and continue forward.

 

Yeah but finality will come from within mate, or from his ex, when it's time. I know tough love is a good thing and you mean well, but it can be served on a dish less cold!!

[mattguy]

i appreciate any advice, no matter what form. I know its been almost 3 months and i am making a slow recovery. Its hard though when I end up running into the ex, or hes giving me mixed signals by calling and asking me to see eachohther. I just keep getting setback. i feel like it was a slap in the face to see him out there searching for a new relationship bc for me the idea sounds impossible at the moment, if he has moved on, good for him and bad for me I guess. i hate to dwell, and i dont alot of the time. but at times like this it just brings be a few steps back and i need to hear some opinions on the situation

[rapunzel]

no probs... maybe you should put your profile up. get out there and see for yourself what other great people there are waiting for you. even if you dont send any messages you're bound to get a few and thats always a great ego booster, especially when you're down and out after a break up. You can block your ex from seeing you too.

 

I had a profile on POF but when I saw my ex was on there I hid it. I also thought the caliber of men on there was rather lacking but it *is* free. I don't want him thinking I "need" to go online to find a man. I know that is ridiculous and I shouldn't care but I still do. There HE is lying about his age to meet younger women, and got back on just a couple weeks after his last relationships ended. So who is the more desparate one?

 

I would like to know HOW you block your ex from seeing you WITHOUT them knowing it. Are they blocked completely from even knowing you have a profile?

 

A good friend of my ex's just wrote to me on OKCupid. I'm quite sure he will tell my ex. He wrote to me on two other dating sites in the past. I need to let it go and not care.

[rapunzel]

i appreciate any advice, no matter what form. I know its been almost 3 months and i am making a slow recovery. Its hard though when I end up running into the ex, or hes giving me mixed signals by calling and asking me to see eachohther. I just keep getting setback. i feel like it was a slap in the face to see him out there searching for a new relationship bc for me the idea sounds impossible at the moment, if he has moved on, good for him and bad for me I guess. i hate to dwell, and i dont alot of the time. but at times like this it just brings be a few steps back and i need to hear some opinions on the situation

 

I completely understand and empathize. It does feel like a slap, like a sucker punch to see them on an online dating site when they could be with you but they chose not to and they'd rather find a complete stranger. It is so easy for them to move on and try to find someone else. It is very difficult to not take it personally but this is what you must STRIVE to do to move on.

 

And as Rob said, he may not even be ready for a relationship but he's just out there looking for whatever....so don't assume anything. I think my ex is just looking for short term relationships with younger chicks where he might get laid. And from what I've heard, the internet is a good place to find this sort of thing.

 

Some good books to read:

 

The Four Agreements by Don MIguel Ruiz

Love, Freedom and Aloneness by Osho

The Passion Trap: Where is your Relationship Going? by Dean C. Delis

 

And just stay in No Contact. Try to avoid looking at his profile at all costs. I'm sorry I know how hard it is but hang in there.

[No1]

Yeah but finality will come from within mate, or from his ex, when it's time. I know tough love is a good thing and you mean well, but it can be served on a dish less cold!!

 

I know, when the wounds are fresh, you have to be sympathetic, but if you are still picking at your wound after 90days and it still feels like day one, you have to tell someone to quit picking it, let it heal. I know what you mean to. Each has their own schedule and way to heal. Some take longer. I am not being mean by what I say. I still sting from my X, but I wont let my girl beat me. I am doing things to make myself happy.

 

i appreciate any advice, no matter what form. I know its been almost 3 months and i am making a slow recovery. Its hard though when I end up running into the ex, or hes giving me mixed signals by calling and asking me to see eachohther. I just keep getting setback. i feel like it was a slap in the face to see him out there searching for a new relationship bc for me the idea sounds impossible at the moment, if he has moved on, good for him and bad for me I guess. i hate to dwell, and i dont alot of the time. but at times like this it just brings be a few steps back and i need to hear some opinions on the situation

 

Okay, now, Matt.. dude. He is your X. Which means you no longer have to decode any singnals he gives you. You are still in denial that it is over. You cannot function happily if you still believe there is a chance, even if its 1%, that you two will get back. I know you want to be with him. I know its not easy to say no to the one you love, but you will have to decide what you want. Do you want to live in confusion, denial and constant pain and worry and wonder? Or do you want to rid of yourself of that?

Just for now.. cut him loose. If he calls, dont answer, if he texts, dont reply, if he emails, delete it. If you see him, be polite and acknowlege he is there, but dont talk to him OR even look at him after the initial greeting. He knows he has you. He knows he still has you 100% and you are enabling him to treat you the same way because you have not shown him otherwise to change. He knows if he wants to see you, he just calls you. He sends you mixed signals cause he is being selfish and yeah, confused too, but you have to take that power back. Say no to him. Im serious, he wont forget about you. If you limit your contact, or make yourself happy. Its only going to make him curious to what you are doing in your life. What is he doing now that makes him smile without me in his life. But you have to accept its over. You have to do that to function and move on. Then after you are happy on your own, then you can decide to have him back in your life or have him pursue you but only when YOU are ready. He has the power right now. Take it back. Dont respond, reply, and limit what you say. delete the text messages and emails and I know you have them, delete them! quit looking at pictures of him or of you two together. Its not going to help you.

Make yourself happy first, he will notice it and come back for you, but by then, you will have put yourself in a position to either accept him or not. But thats where you have to be. Do what your heart tells you to heal.

Quit trying to decipher his messages or signals. If we wants to see you, say no, give no reason, he doesnt deserve it. You can do it.. be strong.

[hexaemeron]

i appreciate any advice, no matter what form. I know its been almost 3 months and i am making a slow recovery. Its hard though when I end up running into the ex, or hes giving me mixed signals by calling and asking me to see eachohther. I just keep getting setback. i feel like it was a slap in the face to see him out there searching for a new relationship bc for me the idea sounds impossible at the moment, if he has moved on, good for him and bad for me I guess. i hate to dwell, and i dont alot of the time. but at times like this it just brings be a few steps back and i need to hear some opinions on the situation

 

What he does or doesn't do should have no bearing on you now, matt. You can't get mad at him for moving on. If he wasn't happy in your relationship, then the relationship really wasn't good for either of you.

 

Now, the push/pull thing he had been doing, that was bad, yes. But you can't fault him for moving on at a different pace than you. If you really want him to be all busted up, it's only because you're insecure about feeling/seeming weaker than he is. When, again, in day to day life, at this point, you shouldn't even care what he thinks or does.

[incaangelique]

Ouch! I'm so sorry mattguy. The internet is loaded with places where one could run into an ex. I am really trying to avoid that now. The profile may not mean much. I honestly don't know. I would avoid that site for a while.

 

I really appreciate No. 1's tough love approach myself. Right after my break up, the first few days, I was having trouble getting out of bed or doing anything. His tough love and coaching got me out of the bed and onto the treadmill and outdoors for walks and runs. I hated every minute of it at first, but if I hadn't made those first steps, I would be hating myself if I was still hiding under the covers

[mattguy]

okay , im going back into NC . Im deleting my POF profile and just going to try to refocus on my own life. i am so mad at myself for not being able to move on . . . i suppose if i did NC since day 1 i would be alot better by now ... im kinda praying that he ends up moving to his hometown when college is done in a month, no chance of seeing him anymore. this is my first real heartbreak in my 8 years of dating, usually i would be over it in a month but this time super sucks!

 

i do appreciate all the help and thank god for this site (i hardly talk about it with my friends bc i think theyre sick of it) IM EVEN SICK OF IT. SO SICK OF IT.

 

ughhh hopefully my next posts will be about my progress and not my set backs, its been 3 months.... gahhh

[incaangelique]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. That is all you can do. My friends have told me straight up that they refuse to listen to my whining about my ex anymore. They are sick of it. Heartbreak is something everyone has been through, but no one really understands unless they are going through it at the time.

When I was at the store tonight Sandra Bullock was on the cover of almost every magazine. I have been feeling really down on myself, but as I looked at her I was thinking, that is a very successful and attractive woman, and look at how she got treated by her man. So, I was thinking that being dumped is sometimes just about two people being at different stages in life, and not necessarily a reflection on the qualities of the person that was dumped.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a desire to be happy and healthy. I am sure you are going to come out of this ok eventually.