looking for input

[shockedndallas]

My girlfriend for the last 7 months has been under lots of stress lately. She had all of a sudden started getting very hostile (getting upset over little things) since loosing her job and a court case with her ex. She sent me a message that it was over and the only explanation was it was what I really wanted out. I have no idea why she would say that. I tried to insure her that was not the case. ANd she didn't reply to emails or phone calls other than to repeat that I am getting what I want.

 

I helped her with her taxes and I am meeting her to give her the completed forms this Tuesday. My plan is to simply be pleasant and hope something good comes out of our meeting. I believe she is also going to return a ring I bought her and want her deceased dads gold watch back. Any suggestions would be welcome. I still care for her very much and I made it clear that I would always support her.

[nomad0792]

Keep cool and try and see if she is willing to talk. If she continues this attitude then you more than likely will not be able to reason with her, so don't beg or plead. But, being together for 7 months deserves some level of communication. If it's not what you want, then make sure you express this to her in a cool manner, but do it with conviction. Arguing with her will only push her further away, but state your case in an affirmative way. I don't know your story, so it's hard to say more than that. Good luck!

[shockedndallas]

Thanks for your reply. New development. A friend saw her at a restaurant today having lunch with her ex from a couple of years ago. Not sure if that is the cause or she decided to hook up now that she ended things. Maybe it doesn't matter. WIth all this talk about wanting an ex back, I am starting to question why I would want someone back who acts this way. I could see if someone made a mistake and wanted another chance. But I do not think it makes sense to miss someone that dumps you. Maybe instead we miss the memory.

 

I will still meet and see what she has to say. Thanks

 

Keep cool and try and see if she is willing to talk. If she continues this attitude then you more than likely will not be able to reason with her, so don't beg or plead. But, being together for 7 months deserves some level of communication. If it's not what you want, then make sure you express this to her in a cool manner, but do it with conviction. Arguing with her will only push her further away, but state your case in an affirmative way. I don't know your story, so it's hard to say more than that. Good luck!

[foxbat74]

My girlfriend for the last 7 months has been under lots of stress lately. She had all of a sudden started getting very hostile (getting upset over little things) since loosing her job and a court case with her ex. She sent me a message that it was over and the only explanation was it was what I really wanted out. I have no idea why she would say that. I tried to insure her that was not the case. ANd she didn't reply to emails or phone calls other than to repeat that I am getting what I want.

 

Well. The truth is - for some reason she wants to get out of the relationship. I don't think it is very nice to put a sense of guilt on somebody else (like it is your fault it is over). And in case if you sincerely feel that you did not do anything wrong...then most likely you did not do anything wrong. People sometimes do that - they provoke a situation and then blame somebody else for the outcome, because they don't want to deal with their own guilt.

 

From your description btw the changes could have been very easily caused by ongoing stress when she doesn't feel a proper support from you. In case if you get any chance to reason with her - take a vacation with her (of course if you have time and money to do so)

[eggplant47]

OP- I think you were very insightful in your second post. I know that she hit upon hard times... but breaking up with you after 7 mos via message & trying to place all the blame on you?? I think you deserve someone who deals with their emotions a bit better.

[shockedndallas]

Thanks for your reply. I tried on numerous occasions to find out why and offered to meet or even talk on the phone. All I get is the same answer. You are getting what you want regardless if you know it or not. That makes no sense at all to me. Truth is I did not want it to end but I see I just have to accept it. I think there is more to this than I know and the fact that she was seen with her ex- yesterday could be an indication. Regarding the stress, not a day went by when I didn't assure her that whatever she is facing she could count on me. So I accept I may never understand what happened.

 

Well. The truth is - for some reason she wants to get out of the relationship. I don't think it is very nice to put a sense of guilt on somebody else (like it is your fault it is over). And in case if you sincerely feel that you did not do anything wrong...then most likely you did not do anything wrong. People sometimes do that - they provoke a situation and then blame somebody else for the outcome, because they don't want to deal with their own guilt.

 

From your description btw the changes could have been very easily caused by ongoing stress when she doesn't feel a proper support from you. In case if you get any chance to reason with her - take a vacation with her (of course if you have time and money to do so)

[shockedndallas]

Thanks for your supportive words. I would have stood by her no matter what. I even offered to float her a loan if she had problems paying her bills. I guess I was in love with a fantasy rather than reality. I am in my late 40's and I know from the past the only thing to do is learn and move on.

 

 

OP- I think you were very insightful in your second post. I know that she hit upon hard times... but breaking up with you after 7 mos via message & trying to place all the blame on you?? I think you deserve someone who deals with their emotions a bit better.

[shockedndallas]

Just had someone very close to me share an article about how a condition called BPD can impact a relationship. It almost sounds like it tells the story of what happened to us. It is very sad and even if I wanted to I am powerless to do anything about this. At least things make a little more sense. Good luck to all.

[Franky]

She may actually be right; you may not know it now, but this may be all for the very best. I know how you feel. You meet a girl who seems great and, when in mid 40's, you just want to be out of the dating pool already and settled down. It almost feels like you want to start your life. But I think that we need to examine ourselves and see why we became attracted to a woman (or women) so unpredictable and difficult. There is something extra accommodating in us that goes beyond loneliness or simple friendliness.

 

Feeling sad and maligned is crappy. Better to feel some outrage at the treatment. I have found myself in situations with my crazy (ex?) girlfriend where I have really had enough of her behavior, and I yell things at her that I ordinarily would never say to someone, and you know what - she calms down and acts rational. Maybe you should show up with the papers and the watch and say "here - go F yourself"! Then ask out three girls - anyone you see or go on a dating site. Go out and have three nice nights where you have civilized conversation with another human being.

 

The problem will be if she tries to come back. If she is BPD, she likely will try. But my advice is don't do it. Don't beat yourself up, and don't worry. Instead, feel relieved that you don't have to put up with all the crap any more. It is nice to be needed, but it is better to be with someone who can stand up on their own and look right back at you and love you like you love them.

[innana]

Frankie, I just replied to a post you initiated about what to do with your gf. While I know you've gone thru a tough haul with her, there are always two to every side of the story. What I'm saying is...now that you've decided not to be with her...would you be her "friend" and support that she desperately needs enough to share with her your posts and therefore your honest and open thoughts. By her seeing these from a personal and non-attacking approach, they will help her understand herself better! It is understandable that you are feeling so bitter, violated, hurt and betrayed by her but those will eventually dim down and go away since you've made the call to leave. But by at least you sharing your open and honest thoughts with her, you would have left her in a caring and calming way which is what she will tremendously respect you for. cheers!