From best friends, to Lovers, to saving ANYTHING

[adb72]

Sorry this is so long, but I want to give you the whole story!!

 

I was best friends with a girl for 2 years. We got to know each other on a very personal level, and we were made aware of each others personality traits and quirks.

 

After 2 years, we started dating. We had a good relationship - few arguments and we were very compatible. We dated for another 2 years. In February, I asked her how she saw us in the future, expecting to hear that she felt the same way I did - long term committment. Instead, she started crying and said she loves me but can't see us as long term! I was devastated. She said there were some trust issues from my past that she could not get over. Since we were best friends AND lovers, we decided to break up to preserve our friendship. We didn't want to see the relationship atrophy and for each of us to resent the other. It was important for both of us to remain best friends.

 

We tried to get some space for about a week, but then we seemed to be sliding back into our old comfort zones. We acted like we did when we were still dating. Nothing changed. Nothing. I saw this as a good sign. Maybe we can work things out.

 

About mid April, she started distancing herself again. She had a lot going on in her life and I thought she was just trying to catch up - again, I've known her for 4 years and I know how she copes when she stresses. But we never really talked about it and the distance got further and further. We still told each other that we were each others favorite person, and she'd give me big hugs or snuggle next to me while we watched a movie. But sometimes she wouldn't call me for 3 days, where we usually talked many times a day. I saw all this as mixed signals giving me false hope. We stopped kissing about a month and a half ago, I saw her less and less, and two weeks ago, she said she had been very emotional the past few days and that she wanted me to know that it is very, very important to her that we remain best friends, even though she knows I'll be with someone else one day. I agreed, but told her I felt we were still kind of together, and she said she realized that. She cried, I consoled her and that was that.

 

Two days later, I hadn't heard from her since then, so I called her up that night. No answer, but she returned my call an hour later. She said she was grocery shopping, and then was going to hang out with some guy I have NEVER heard of before. I was very upset, finally realizing what she was telling me the past few weeks. She could tell I was shocked and I thought she was seeing someone now, but she told me "It's not like that, but when it IS, I hope you'll be cool with it, since we talked about this!" and she said she'd call me later that weekend. Never heard from her for 4 days.

 

So it's been 2 weeks now, and she's called me a few times. I told her I need some closure and wanted to talk, but she says she needs to give me all her attention for that discussion and after she moves into her new apartment at the beginning of this month, she'll talk. We saw each other last Friday and I had some pictures I'd just developed - she wanted all the ones of me. Didn't hear from her till Monday when we talked briefly.

 

Anyway, I'm upset, I feel very much alone even though i try to keep busy. I WANT to remain friends, but I think of her with other people and it kills me. It's been 3 days since we talked and every day seems like an eternity. WHAT DO I DO TO SAVE OUR FRIENDSHIP AND STILL HEAL? Any thoughts and advice would be VERY welcome!!

[t-dog]

Rule #1--don't mix sex and friendships. But you've probably figured that out already on your own. I've done it a few times myself.

 

My best friend (we've known eachother for 10 years) decided to try dating. We were best friends and thought we would be the perfect couple right? Wrong. As a friend, my best friend was amazing. As a lover he was jealous and possessive. Worst of all, it felt as if I were dating my brother. I broke up with him and really broke his heart. He was angry with me, he felt like I betrayed his trust. I worried that our friendship was lost. He remained angry for awhile. We could barely have a civil conversation. But he was committed to preserving the friendship. It was hard for both of us, but over time, we just reminded ourselves about why we were friends in the first place. He realized that the relationship wasn't very good and that we really were meant to be friends.

 

We didn't talk or hang out for awhile, and eventually he met another girl who he really loves and they've been together for a year and a half. Now, I'm not only friends with him again, I'm friends with his girlfriend.

 

Granted, our friendship is not as strong as it used to be. Male/Female friendships tend to run an undercurrent of sexual tension that makes the friendship seem very intense. Once you act on that sexual tension, it gets released and much of the intensity of the friendship is gone.

 

But if you are committed to resuming the friendship with her, everything will work out fine. It's natural that you feel hurt, and it may take awhile for those feelings to resolve. But they will. Just concentrate on the way you were with her before you started dating. Eventually your feelings for her will subside and you'll be able to save the friendship.

[gemmy]

wow that is a toughie........but i'd have to say that even though I'm sure she cares for you deeply. She is trying to distance herself for a reason. Maybe she needs to find herself or maybe she is actually interested in this person. Let her be. I'd go with some NC and live your own life. Don't show your anger, just back off. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Yes, I know it is hard. She probably consumes most of your thoughts throughout the day, but you cannot control her and please don't try to. that will drive her even further away. good luck.

[Scout]

And DON'T let her be best friends with you still once you do have someone else. Or your new relationship will suffer and your new gal will be uncomfortable with you being best friends with someone you had such an intense love affair with. Trust me on this. Gosh, your ex really wants to have her cake and eat it too, doesn't she?

[adb72]

Yeah, I've been told that it looks like she wants the best of both worlds. I know she honestly is VERY busy right now. And I know that she obviously needs space now. until we talk, I feel like everything is up in the air - we've split up before for 3 months and came back stronger, but I also promised myself that I will never wait around and pine away for someone. I learned that the hard way years ago. I just want to see and talk to her again (of course), but I know it will send me back to square one as far as healing is concerned. Right now, I think "ok, well its been 4 days without talking to her. That's the longest we've ever gone. She'll call tonight... or tomorrow." I realize that's not good. But we never even talked about No Contact. She just calls every few days. We haven't even talked about what's happening between us these 3 weeks! I just feel that I still need some closure!!!