Liking Someone I Shouldn't?

[dudeman1928]

Just some background on what I'm like. I think of myself as a pretty nice guy who cares a lot about the people in my life. I'm catholic and haven't done anything really bad in my life (like smoking, drinking, etc) and I could never imagine being with someone that does anything like that.

 

I met this girl who.....well was not like that at all. She has smoked since she was 15, and with her ex bf she occasionally went out and drank and also lost her virginity to him. I met her at work and we are both nerds and like the same music and everything so we became good friends. Well thankfully she finally broke up with him (everyone was telling her he was bad news), and I knew from that instant that she would try hooking up with me. She quit smoking about a month after that, and through phone conversations I found out she has always been unhappy with her life and the family she was raised in and her past relationships messed up everything she believed in. She really wants to change and asked me to help her become a better person.

 

Well long story short I started to date her hoping I could be that "shining light" in her life and lead her down the right path. My parents of course hated the idea, and about 2 weeks ago I just got so stressed out about it and I kept thinking she never would change and I'd end up unhappy the rest of my life, so I broke up with her. But I can't seem to get her out of my mind! I keep telling myself how messed up she is and no matter how many things we have in common I could never raise a family with her. She still has too many bad habits such as excessive cussing and an attitude problem with others. I honestly can't imagine another woman being more perfect for me than her. It's really hard to explain in words. Should I continue helping her with her problems and hope she will change for the better or do I need to try and forget her so I don't end up hurt?

[aireyc]

It really depends. I'm Catholic as well and have looked at things from a similar perspective many times. I think you're missing a key ingredient in your analysis that I've come to realize over the last few years.

 

What the Church teaches should be our goal in life, but it doesn't reflect what we're always going to do as humans. The values we share should be our compass, but we can't always live by them. We're not perfect creatures. The sacrament of confession was created for a reason.

 

We all make mistakes and we all are going to stray from the ideal path. What matters most with the girl is not what she's done, but who she strives to be. If she really wants to correct some of her habits and she recognizes how those habits can negatively affect her life, then I'd give her a shot without question. We're not perfect, so don't condemn her for her mistakes. It would be your job to offer her support in her fight to correct her faults.

 

That being said, you can't change who she is, but merely offer her support. If you go out with her and she doesn't really put in any effort to change, then that may be grounds to end the relationship. Remember there are thousands of other potential girls out there who will fit your bill, so don't get too obsessed over this one. If things work out, great, but if they don't, don't sweat it too much.

 

Another thing to comment on, and I don't know if this has to do with Catholic education (as I went to private school up through high school), but recognize the significance of each habit. I remember my one teacher in seventh grade talking about the evils of drinking, when drinking really isn't bad. Jesus drank. The key is moderation. I also like to gamble a lot. You generally hear priests talk about how gambling is bad. That's highly misinterpreted. Gambling isn't something you should strive for, but it's not bad in and of itself. It only becomes a problem if you become addicted or neglect you responsibilities in favor of gambling. Given a choice, the Church would want you to donate money to the poor rather than gamble it away in a casino, BUT the Church also doesn't expect you to donate everything you have to the poor. You can go out and buy pleasures for yourself... all within moderation. And in reality, it's pretty much common sense.

 

As far as your parents go, if they're anything like mine, they want the best for you. If they see potential for you to really screw up, they'll make their thoughts known. The key is to show you can live on the edge without going over it. Let them know you have no intent on turning into a smoking alcoholic who has sex for fun every night. That's not your cup of tea. Just let them know you want a healthy balance in life, and any extreme either way isn't going to be good for you. I can't tell you how many lives I've seen ruined when young people followed a strict path, realized how that path was negatively affecting their lives, then they flipped to the other extreme only to see their lives spiral downhill much further (drug addictions, diseases, trouble with the law, etc). Just keep a level head, let your friends and family know your intentions, and use your best judgment to determine if your friends (or girlfriend) are really your friends or just a constant attack on the basic principles you stand by.

[BMP2CPM]

BREAKING UP WITH HER WAS THE CORRECT DECISION.

 

See all your relevant words above. They tell the whole story. I think everyone has fallen into the same "false fantasy" trap that you have. For most people the logic goes something like this.

 

1) That person has lot's of problems, more than me. I don't have any of those problems, in fact I know how to never do those things.

 

2) I could help that person with those problems. Then that person will need me forever. That person will be so thankful that they'll be loyal to me, and always faithful to me. I can help that person become the soulmate I've always wanted.

 

It's a great fantasy. We've all been there.

 

The problem is that 99% of the time, you can't rescue or save anyone. And the the 1% of the time when you do, that person will say "Thanks" and take off. Either way, you'll end up feeling really hurt.

 

If you want to rescue someone and have them be loyal to you forever, get a dog.

[Hermes]

Hello Dudeman:

 

I am sure you are a nice person. I agree with Airey that "everything in moderation". A person who smokes (and I totally believe smoking is bad for your health, and I have never smoked) is not a "bad" person because he or she smokes. Likewise, taking a drink. I like a drink now and then. Being rotten drunk every day is NOT good, certainly.

 

So as regards this girl you like. It is not our job in life to "save" others (unless we are in the fire brigade etc.) , and less so are we supposed to be the "other's" therapist, mainly because we do not have the training. "Amateur" therapists, particularly the "I am going to save you from yourself" sort, can do more harm than good. So perhaps if this girl has family of origin and other issues she might do well by seeing a counsellor. No one is perfect and she is just another struggling human being.

 

Because one is a "Catholic" does not mean one never does bad things. I was brought up a Catholic, educated in a private Catholic boarding school (terrible place), and no longer practising, and believe me Catholics do VERY bad things.

 

I think BMP2's post makes a lot of sense.

 

Also, just remember the one about "seeing the mote in the other person's eye, and not noticing the plank of wood in your own".!!

This girl seems to be showing signs of humility, at least, by recognising she has faults.

 

Wishing you luck.

Hermes

[dudeman1928]

Sorry if I didn't explain things as well as I thought. I was up late last night thinking about this and was really tired when I wrote it, lol.

 

So to clear up some things, yes I totally agree that just because someone smokes, drinks, etc. does not make them a bad person. However I will say I would NEVER ever marry someone that smokes. I have asthma and it runs in my family, so I wouldn't want my kids exposed to that either. Anyway, I agree with aireyc that it's not what she's done, it's what she strives to be. And I truly believe she wants to be a better person. I'm not trying to change everything about her into my "perfect soulmate", in fact the only things I'm trying to help her with is the excessive cussing, her attitude/anger problems, and get her back to church. I've been closely watching to see if she is changing just for me or if she really wants to do these things, and I truly believe she is wanting to change. It's been 2 weeks since the breakup and she still goes to church on sunday even though she can't really participate much, and I've noticed she doesn't bite everyone's head off at work anymore.

 

But the thing about my parents still worries me a bit. I know it shouldn't bother me, but I have ALWAYS been very close to my family and they made it clear they are not happy about this relationship. They worry that even if I can and do help her, that she will always have that past and may revert back to it when she is stressed or something like that. I don't remember how they worded it, but it does kinda upset me when I mention I'm going over to her place and they give me this look of fake enthusiasm.

 

Oh, probably should have mentioned she is going into the army this summer, and it's a 5 year contract. I'm also concerned about if the army would be a good or bad influence for her. I'm hoping good.