how late is too late

[npc24]

its funny. so often these days i feel like ive made so much progress but at the same time i think about my ex everyday. those of you that know my posts know that we had an awful breakup, and that, while likely delusional i feel like we simply worked.

that being said, he dumped me in a devstatingly painful way and spent the next 2 years slightly keeping me within reach while publicly hurting me, then saying it was cuz he didnt want to hurt me further, etc.

so the other night i meet a friend of his, unwittingly and she knew who i was. When i asked how she said "i heard of you when we (her and my ex) first met. he said "i cant date anytime soon, i left this guy that just loved so much and i dont know why."

she then proceeded to tell me that he was known around work as the sloppy drunk who was always being carried out of the bar, leaving with randoms, etc.

now that being said he didnt even drink when we were together!

that mad me sad, it really hurt to hear that.

She also said that he did in fact date someone who hurt him after me, and "maybe taught him a lesson."

now listen, i know im gonna slammed on here for asking this, and im ready, however...

how late is too late? we dont talk anymore, we've hurt eachother verbally so much and ive tried so hard to let him know i forgive him and want to be civil, but he simply doesnt seem to care. he talked to me one day (on his outreach) then the next blocked me, etc.

I guess i just wonder, if things can ever change. After years maybe, that we can eventually come together as friends, or more. I dont think id even take him back, nor do i expect him to come back, but the truth is, i miss him still, and i feel like one of those women in a 1940's ww2 movie waiting for her husband to come home safely.

I feel like my ex, young as he is, is out there seeing the world, battling the battles but deep down knows that i was the good one, the one he loved and that loves him still.

someone just i dont know, tell me how late too late is.

[eggplant47]

Aw hon, I think you're years past too late. It's not even like your ex is here now trying to make things up to you or out fighting heroically for his country... he's out drinking his liver away & hooking up with as many random guys as possible. This does not sound like a good situation to get yourself into.

 

I'm sorry.

[npc24]

I know, its just so sad. The last time we spoke was in october and his words were, its so great we can check in within eachother and see how eachother is, but there is so much baggage i dont think we can ever be friends. I suppose i just have to realize that though he said he loved me to so many people after leaving me, he doesnt now.

i hate that i still believe so much that he and i are connected on a deeper level, when in actuality im likely some distant memory.

i wish i didnt hope he's thinking "wow, that was the one that really loved me" and secretly regrets it.

or i guess i just wish i knew how it all happened. i deserve that much, but sadly dont think ill ever get it.

thanks

[eggplant47]

Even if he does think to himself on occasion that you were the one that truly loved him, it wouldn't mean that he was capable of participating in a loving, healthy relationship with you.

 

He will probably at some point realize how good you were for him but the important thing is: he will probably never be good for you.

 

I hope someday soon, you find someone who is!

[npc24]

thankyou. i think thats the way i need to think...it certainly was NOT me. I was a good boyfriend, that much i know

[minou]

People act that way when they're unhappy. Maybe he could use a good friend right now. If you really love him why not reach out and see if friendship is a possibility? You would have to be sure this won't set you back in your healing. You obviously haven't been able to let go so far.

[quirky]

feel like one of those women in a 1940's ww2 movie waiting for her husband to come home safely.

 

I love this, so dramatic! Are you a bit dramatic? I am a bit and I recognise some of your thinking, that deep connection you mention. Thing is, you have to just look at the facts of today, look at what's in front of you and work with that. Anything else is just delusions and wishful thinking. He hasn't asked you back. I've helped my ex during hard times and frankly it didn't get me anywhere, most people feel better if they pull it through by themselves without their object of desire seeing them in such mess. I think it will help if you see this from a very realistic point of view, the facts of today and nothing else.

[npc24]

yeah the friendship thing is something ive tried. Frankly he had always said he hoped so much we could be friends at some point, but when ive tried he's always just pulled back. He isnt even civil to me, even though it was him that cheated, ended it with me, chased me down afterwards, etc. all of thats in the past.

i guess i just hope he comes out on the other side ok. In terms of being dramatic? Well maybe i am, however i think that having a deep and unconditional love for someone that leaves you so suddenly is actually quite dramatic...especially when they give no answers, no reasons, then tell people "i loved him so much, i dont know why i did it, i just did." then never tell you why

[npc24]

thankyou all for the nice comments.. i believe he feels a deep level of guilt, and yes minou, it makes me sad that he is possibly not happy. especially when he didnt drink until we broke up and then BAM he gets a reputation for being a drunk to all of these new people he's met since us...makes my heart sad

[npc24]

god i miss him right now. it was 3 years ago today he flew in from NY, skipping work to come home and show up at my door for easter. my god, i thought this was the only holiday that someone you loved couldnt make or break, its now the one i dread the most

[minou]

You are not alone. I still adore my husband after more than 2 years apart. People are pleasure seeking. They can have many experiences after you that one day leads them to look back and suddenly decide to do something about it, if life without you does not satisfy them. Do you know 14% of people who divorce actually reconnect and marry a 2nd time? It certainly sounds like he is miserable without you. Messy drunks always are unhappy people. You never know what will lead to some kind of healing in his life. Maybe one day he'll get help and realize he was taking out old childhood issues on you. If he started drinking after the breakup he was probably trying to numb the guilt. Pray for his healing. No harm in reaching out now and then. He may think he hurt you so much you would never take him back. Old baggage does dissolve after time if the love is strong enough. Hope the weekend is not too painful for you and best wishes. I also hope you find someone who is capable of loving as deeply as you obviously are.

 

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[minou]

Here are a few more links. Did a little research with coffee this AM....

 

Very best in your healing. I have tried so hard to move on, but for some of us, that is harder to do than others. I know I will never love again because I already found the great love of my life and experienced many years of bliss with him. Today I am more at peace. I know he is with someone else right now, and I found myself thinking if he is truly happy with her that is good. If that changes, he will be back... The contentment he might actually be happy is a new emotion for me as I've been so focussed on missing him terribly. I now put in God's hands, whatever is best for his happiness is fine with me. This doesn't take the pain away, but softens it. Whatever happens, I hope you are taking it one day at a time, and doing your best to find joy and satisfaction as far as possible in each day. That's been hard for me, but I just keep trying... Strength is picking yourself back up no matter how many times you fall.

 

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