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LDR is so much harder than I thought...


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I've been with my bf for 2-1/2 years now. We've definitely had our ups and downs but we've made it through a lot of really hard times. I love him a lot. However, he had to take a job (which is a really good job thankfully) a few months ago accross the country... I've seen him three times since. We call, text, email and web cam. But it's still so hard. In the 2-1/2 years we were together, the longest we were ever apart was a week. After the first three to four months, though, we have basically spent all of our time together until now. I try really hard to stay super busy so I don't sit at home with my overactive brain and think about him too much but I can't be doing something all the time...

 

In all honesty, I am terrified to move out there with him but, at the same time, I wish I was out there with him already. I have to finish a semester of school before I move and I still have about two months. The problem is that I've moved for an SO before and it turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. That relationship was toxic from the beginning but I ignored it and convinced myself otherwise - for three years. I am terrified of repeating that mistake. And I'm just not sure my current bf understands and I'm not sure how to communicate it to him. I know our relationship isn't the same as my previous one but every now and then, my bf will do or say something my ex used to and it freaks me out. I never felt this way when my bf was here with me and I am so afraid I'm going to scare myself out of the best relationship I've ever had with anyone.

 

How does anyone deal with this LDR stuff??

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You are having fears because of what happened before, but if you have a good relationship, I would put that aside. If you cannot, I may consider counseling or talking to someone who you trust and is supportive of you about your fears - because when someone is afraid it shows.

 

If you want to be with him, there are several things I suggest. Have a little bit of money to take with you so you are not immediately dependent on him. Try to get there in your own right. Apply for jobs out there. Even ask him to help you get a PO box to use as an address so you have a local address so people don't look at you as an out of stater if you want.

 

Another idea is to, if you can, find an apartment, room for rent, or roommate situation and have it lined up. This way you you also aren't dependent on him just yet.

 

Luckily, your LDR isn't going to be for long if you move.

 

Also, are you going to see him between now and the end of the semester or is your plan to visit first. What about instead of moving, you visit for a week to figure stuff out? Or maybe longer - to 'scout out jobs" and stuff but to really also get face to face with him

 

How do you talk about it? Say "honey, I am looking forward to finishing my semester so I can see you. I wanted to talk about the possibility of moving and what your thoughts were on it. (and listen to what he says). tell him your plan would be to get a PO box and start sending resumes out so you could find a job there if you decide to do that. Or ask if he minds using his address to look local if you decide to do that. tell him that "as you know, I moved before for a relationship and sometimes it makes me nervous. I know we are different but sometimes that is a silly fear."

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BTW, it is not wrong also if you decide not to move. I do think though that there is a happy medium - go out there to visit him and figure at where you guys are at, too, and then make the decision. You don't have to move immediately.

 

I think if you drive yourself nuts when you are alone - that you need to address that with yourself because if you move and don't have a job yet you will drive yourself nuts when he isn't home

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