is it normal that my bf doesn't say i love you/ or call when we're apart

[xixi9019]

I have been dating this guy for about 1.5 years. We are both in college and we live really close so we see each other on a daily basis. we practically live together, and have similar classes. That being said, since we live in different states, we separate over every break.

 

 

The thing that concerns me is that when we are apart over break, he does not try to call me, or email me, fb me, or anything. Only when he needs something from me. He wasn't like this in the beginning. but it started about a year into the relationship. I am starting to feel like i'm being taken for granted. On several occasions, I would suggest that we video chat, and he would reject the offer and give me excuses. It's making me feel really uneasy and as if I am bothering him. But we didn't have a fight or anything, it boggles my mind because I always want to talk to him just once a day, but he doesn't give any effort to contact me.

 

He did tell me he loves me, but I don't feel like he's telling the truth if he's behaving like this.

 

When we are together, things are usually ok. Fights here and there but i know that's normal. Except when we do fight, he often threatens to break up, or becomes really rude and disrespectful. Saying stuff like "I don't love you", "I'm done with this ..". On top of that, he does not see other points of view easily, so it is often very hard to get through to him. He usually thinks he's not wrong, therefore, I must be wrong. He behaves like a kid. If things don't go his way, then he'll throw a tantrum until he gets his way.

 

also, He would tell me he loves me on average, once a month! I know there's no definite rule for these kinds of things, but i feel like i want to say "i love you" all the time, btu i don't because he usually doesn't return the favor, and instead says "ok thanks" and laugh it off. When I try to tell him this really bothers me, he says he will only say it when he feels it, does that mean he only feels like he loves me once a month? Is this normal because we see each other all the time?

 

I don't want to be overly sensitive and look too much into it, Can everyone (esp. guys) give me your input on this please?

[sidehop]

Wow he does sound like a spoiled brat who hasn't really matured yet. Selfish is the only word that comes into my mind. I don't think it's that the "I love you" part is less, but his actions and how he treats you is more concerning. And you're probably right, he's likely taking things for granted.

 

It would be different if he's a gentleman and showed you all the love without saying the "I love you" but what he does and doesn't say pretty much goes along the same path.

[Jd1983]

In regards to it being normal? No, I don't think it's normal.

 

The fact that you're apart, should make him want to miss you more and want to talk to you more. It shouldn't be the opposite.

 

How does he treat you when you're together?

[eggplant47]

No, I don't think that's normal, in fact it's not even considerate! Regardless of how busy he is he has 5 mins. from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed that he could take to talk to you. Especially with super convenient advances like text messaging and e-mail! The fact that he won't do this simple thing that would mean the world to you reflects really poorly on his character. Same goes with his refusing to say I love you.

 

The next time he goes out of town & doesn't call, maybe you shouldn't be there when he gets back.

 

P.S. You should really check out the movie Whip It which deals with exactly this issue!

[faithful14]

No, I don't think it's normal. He seems to care more about his own wants and needs than yours. I think it's rude that he only says it when he feels like it? So when he will act like a boyfriend when he means it or when he needs something? That's not cool and it definitely does not seem okay.

[cazmoore]

Listen, if you're with a person who doesn't feel it's necessary to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you love them, dump him. I'm sick of hearing about people who control their SO with this. And no, someone might say "I shouldn't have to say it all the time" listen, that might be the price of admission in a relationship. If you don't want to say it and you don't feel comfortable saying it, date someone else.

 

There are things you should be willing to put up with. If you're not getting them, you're going to be a huge, whiney, nagging *itch.. and those will be his words. Those are things most people want in a relationship, and if he's withholding that, do not expect him to change. Instead, let him be with someone who doesn't need that attention from him.

 

He sounds like a huge d-bag for ignoring your wants because it doesn't mesh in with his. I'm sure there's other great qualities to him, but this is totally unacceptable. And I'm not saying he's immature or a d-bag because he's not doing what *you* wnat him to do, Im' saying he's a d-bag because he's concerned only for himself, ignores your needs and should have the where with all to look inside himself and say... maybe this girl needs someone that can give her what I can't.

 

Hey, it's up to you. The ball is actually in your court. Are you sure you can see yourself waiting for him to come around, or waiting for the brass ring? He'll say 'I love you' once a month, then you'll have to wait another month for that? You know, you should be looking forward to going to the movies with him, or having skype video chats he wants to participate in with you... not you lingering on for the next 'I love you' in April.

[SylviaA]

You know what, I can totally relate to the whole leaving-without-talking thing. I don't know why the hell they do that!!!!! Seriously???

 

So this is what I did: I started not texting back right away, and I left him alone during the break without asking him why he doesn't call/text/message. Instead of blowing up on him I did the same things to him. I became not as available as I used to be. Honestly? It worked...for a LITTLE BIT. We're currently back to square 1, and maybe not event that because I'm fed up.

 

You and him have different needs. I'm telling you, you're going to drive yourself NUTS trying to put up with this. You don't need this...I keep telling myself that. Things can be SO MUCH SIMPLER.

 

I know you're probably thinking...but I'm more comfortable with him. I would have to start over. I'm gonna stick with this. That's what I thought. It's been almost 3 years now for me...I'm still putting up with this and I'm upset because I feel weak and retarded for sticking with it. I could be treated so much better.

 

We got into a bit of an argument last Sunday...I asked him a harmless question and he went off with his cynical sarcastic attitude. It was rude and disrespectful. You know what I said? "You know what, when you're ready to talk about this like the adults that we are let me know". That's it. I haven't heard from him in...this is the 5th day. I don't feel bad for what I said. I wasn't rude, I didn't say anything rude...and I put the ball in his court. If he doesn't take that ball then I'm gonna take it and run with it...to another court. haha.

 

I really hope that helped and I hope things work out with you girlie. I feel ya 100%

[xixi9019]

Thanks everyone for your input. I am really thinking about not putting up with this anymore. This is an immature game that he's putting me through and I'm better than that. Thanks SylviaA for your reply. It really helps to know others can relate and that I'm not going crazy lol.

 

So here's an update: Since 6 days ago, we still haven't spoken to each other. He did not attempt to call, text, skype me. But I am ok with that. Because I also do not feel like calling, texting, or skyping with him. So i'm not letting his actions bother me on my spring break! I am not mad because I choose to not contact him too. But this will not fly with me in the long run. We will see each other on Sunday. If he attempts to talk to me then I will try to fix things but if not, this will be the last time anything about him concerns me.

 

Thanks everyone again!

[eggplant47]

Good for you! I think that's exactly the right decision.