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do i have an abusive boyfriend? please help


lilsmc

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my boyfriend and I got into this stupid argument the other night.

He is constantly playing games on his iphone and it really gets frustrating. I playfully went and tried to take it away from him. He got extremely infuriated and grabbed my wrist and twisted it.

I was not expecting this kind of reaction from him. I was so shocked and at the same time in pain because it really hurt. (it is also not the first time he's done this)

He says that i was nagging too much and that it doesnt look like it hurt me. ( How would he know? if it was not done to him?)

Here i am, crying in front of him --> at this point this argument escalated into something much bigger. We are both yelling and cursing at each other and I am mostly upset because i would consider this abuse from his part.

 

He says its normal for him to react that way becuase it was self defense.

I dont know what to think of this situation.

 

I wanted to talk to him about it but he said he was too mad, so he grabbed my purse and keys and LITERALLY pushed me out the door.

 

Its been two days since this happened. He has been trying to contact me but i refuse to answer him as I am extremely hurt and dissapointed in him.

He blames me for everything and tells me that i am mental, but he never ever takes blame for any of our arguments.

 

He just texted me saying "feeling better yet"?

I responded back saying " i have a bruise on my wrist thanks to you, so o i am not better"

His response was "I am really sorry about your wrist. I wish I iced it for you. I just dont understand why you act so crazy."

 

I am extremely mad, as i should not torelate him treating me this way.

PLEASE HELP

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Yes, this is considered abusive.

 

There should be no reason he should lay his hands on you, even if you were being playful. Once it reaches to this level, you should ask yourself what you really from this relationship. If it has happened in this past (I guarantee it will continue to happen).

 

Alongside of that, rather than admitting to his wrongful doings, he is still trying to shift the blame on you. Self defense in what way? All you did was playfully grab his phone from him. You didn't lay your hands on him. That's complete BS.

 

How long have you been together with him?

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Wow... So he hurt you and he's turning it around and making it seem like YOU'RE the problem and you're the crazy one? Man... that's immature. Sorry to be so blunt but he sounds like an a55hole. That text of him askin if you're feeling better... was that asking "emotionally" or physically? Was he trying to imply that you had some sort of mental fit and asking if you're basically over it and felt better? Or was he asking in regards to your wrist? That's pretty ballsy for someone to physically hurt someone and they turn it around like you're the problem. Wow... some people.

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He is constantly playing games on his iphone and it really gets frustrating. I playfully went and tried to take it away from him. He got extremely infuriated and grabbed my wrist and twisted it.

 

What makes you think that when you get frustrated, if gives you the excuse to forget common manners and go an grab something that doesn't belong to you just because it is annoying to you?

 

"I was just playing games on my phone and my girlfriend came and grabbed it out of my hand, do I have a controling abusive girlfriend?"

 

It sounds to me like you both overreacted a little, he saw you stealing something from him and did what he could to prevent you from taking it, you were hurt because you didn't expect him to protect his belongings with force from you.

 

It sounds like something you both need to talk about.

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It sounds to me like you both overreacted a little, he saw you stealing something from him and did what he could to prevent you from taking it, you were hurt because you didn't expect him to protect his belongings with force from you.

 

Wait... so are you saying because she forgot "common manners" (which by the way did you not read that she was playing around?) that he had the right to physically hurt her? I wouldn't call him physically hurting her an "overreaction"... She wasn't "stealing" anything from him... Are you serious? She was messing around and he hurt her... You can't be serious when you say he was "protecting himself"... Are you kidding me? She was messing around... It was a PHONE. Oh my God, she tried to take my PHONE! I felt threatened!! I tried to protect myself and my PHONE! Ahhh!!! I swear it was self defence!!! Seriously?

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Russ, I agree that she probably shouldn't have grabbed it (and that it perhaps wasn't done as playfully as we might think) but it's hardly on a par with hurting someone. If his reaction was so out of proportion AND then he shifts the blame onto her, he has a problem. Don't you think?

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we've been together for two years.

I was seriously hurt by this and to him it seemed like it was all a joke. He kept telling me i was acting crazy and that it didnt hurt.

 

He has told me that when he was much younger, his parent were very tough on him and disciplined him by hitting him.

He said it was totally normal for him to do this to me, but i was not raised that way and i cant tolerate such behavior.

 

As a reaction, i wanted to hit him back, but i was too afraid that he would do something much worse to me.

 

I love him very much, but when he gets mad I am so afraid of him because i know he is capable of hitting me.

 

I am devasted and dont know if i should talk to him or let some time go by before i do?

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As a reaction, i wanted to hit him back, but i was too afraid that he would do something much worse to me.

 

I think this is a much bigger issue than the wrist thing... Do you really think you should be with someone whom you don't trust to ever hurt you physically? Someone you're afraid of and you don't even know whether he'll hurt you or not? Shouldn't the person you're with be the one to protect you? Aren't you supposed to feel safe with them...?

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He is constantly playing games on his iphone and it really gets frustrating. I playfully went and tried to take it away from him. He got extremely infuriated and grabbed my wrist and twisted it.

 

He says its normal for him to react that way becuase it was self defense.

 

Self defense?

 

What was he defending, his high score?

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Just because his parents disciplined him by hitting him when he was young does not justify his actions.

 

Totally normal? What will happen if something even worst happens? He will still feel justified on laying his hands on you?

 

Clearly he sees nothing wrong with this at all. If you continue to allow this to happen, he will continue doing so.

 

I think you should have a talk with him and let him know that you're sorry for grabbing his phone, but you were trying to be playful with him. The way he reacted was totally uncalled for, and you did not expect that from him. You definitely need to clear the air with him and let him know that you will not tolerate this sort of behavior and if it doesn't change, then you will have to rethink your relationship.

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Yeah I think this is a red flag. If this was the first time something like this ever happened it would be different. But you mention this is not the first time he's done something like this.

 

As a reaction, i wanted to hit him back, but i was too afraid that he would do something much worse to me.

 

Do not do this. This only escalates things and will make it much worse. Plus it justifies his actions in his own mind because you were hitting him too.

 

He kept telling me i was acting crazy and that it didnt hurt

 

I don't like this answer at all. He seems to have no recognition that he caused an injury and it could have been worse.

 

By the way the little girl in your avatar is adorable. Is she your child? Is she in the middle of all this by any chance?

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Sounds like you were trying to control what he was doing (playful or not), so he let you know full well you're not in control of him.

 

Granted, he let you know this in a mildly abusive manner (I would say the pushing out the door would fall into that category more so than the wrist grabbing), but this is about control, not that he wanted to hurt you.

 

"He says that i was nagging too much and that it doesnt look like it hurt me."

 

In other words, you were nagging at him to get off his iPhone, he didn't want to, so you tried to control his use of the iPhone and take away his ability to make the decision on his own to spend time with you. This understandably made him very irritated with you. Anyone would be irritated at something like this. How he chose to react is unfortunate and wasn't the best way to handle things, but you basically tried to take food from a hungry dog and you're wondering why you got bit.

 

He's denying that it hurt you because he really wasn't trying to hurt you and doesn't want to think that by protecting his space he did something to harm you. I would say that being pushed out the door was more over the line than grabbing your wrist. Just because you got a bruise on your wrist doesn't make that the telltale sign. The wrist grab was a quick reaction to something you were doing he felt wasn't right of you to do to him. Pushing you out the door is controlling and more indicative of whatever abusive tendencies he actually has.

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I believe she mentioned that this was not the first time this happened.

 

Ah yes, I've found it now - thanks. Well - twice is twice too many IMHO, even allowing for the benefit of the doubt. He's done it before so he'll do it again. And whatever he's done before was enough to frighten her.

 

if there are no past issues with him being violent I would say this was a one time situation that just got out of control.

Sadly, there clearly are.

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You think the guy has authority over the girl in a relationship?

 

As if having a penis is akin to wearing a badge?

 

This guy (guy you're referring to) can't be serious with his comment. There's no way. I'm sure he was just joking as that has got to be THE most stupid immature comment I've ever heard... if he were serious. So ya... No doubt he was kidding. No one can be that immature and close minded.

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Laying hands on anyone is disrespectful. To have it happen twice is inexcusable.

 

A second time shows a pattern and a lack of remorse for what could be considered an accident or brief loss of temper.

 

I don't see anything about there being a second time.

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Bedrocks, this is contained in her first post:

 

I was not expecting this kind of reaction from him. I was so shocked and at the same time in pain because it really hurt. (it is also not the first time he's done this)
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I just know that if someone grabbed the phone out of my hands or was in the process of doing it I'd do one of several things.

 

-Let them take it

-Keep them from taking it, since it is a phone that could be easily destroyed, I'd likely grab ahold of their hand, wrist, or arm and pull it towards me so that they would drop the phone, if you really want someone to drop it, you twist it a little so that they'll dro pit when they start to experience pain. If they experience pain while trying to steal something from you...that's their fault, they could have said 'please put the phone down' or any manner of conveying that feeling.

 

If you grab a bull by the horns....if you weren't confortable with a physical confrontation, she shouldn't have entered his personal space and started with the physical action of stealing his phone from him while he was using it. If she was that annoyed, she could leave the room. If she'd tried that before and was at a breaking point, she could always end things with him.

 

Many of minor cases being referred to as 'abuse' are what makes so many people not take things seriously. Maybe this is a real case of that but it sounds like she overreacted and I doubt she calmly went over to him and gently took the phone from his hand, she was likely being verbally aggressive and went for the phone quite quickly...most reasonable people would understand that a situation like this could quickly turn more aggressive.

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