Bringing 'new guy' to a party where ex will be

[red.ribbon]

I used to post on the getting back together forum, taken over by conviction I would eventually be back with my ex.

 

I have since let go of this, worked on myself and am feeling much better about the whole situation.

 

I have also started spending a lot of time with a guy from work over the last few weeks. We have fun, laugh, hang out and yeah it's been quite sexually charged as well. He has told our boss that we're dating (boss is fine with it all) so it seems this guy is taking 'us' seriously.

 

Problem is, there is a party on the weekend I would like to take him to, however my ex will be there. I'm not taking him as some kind of method to make the ex jealous, I hate drama.

 

It's just something I'm completely dreading! Yes, he broke up with me so I shouldn't be feeling guilty....it's just going to feel so strange.

 

Any tips on dealing with this situation? A friend recommended I actually email the ex to let him know I'm bringing someone...but I don't think that's necessary, I don't feel I owe him an explanation...

[Dragunov-21]

Explanation not necessary. If you don't think he's gonna act like a wanker, then really all you need to do is be normal. Don't be awkward, don't avoid him, if you do bump into him, just say hi and move on through, or introduce the new guy, depending on your mood.

 

No biggie

[red.ribbon]

Good advice thank you, hopefully it will be no biggie!

 

I just still have a soft spot for the ex and don't want to see him when the penny drops that I'm with someone else. I don't have tickets for myself as though he will be heart broken or something...just not a moment I'm looking forward to! I'm sure dumpers hurt too.

[jahur]

wow wouldnt mind being a fly on the wall with this one. that may go either way for you.

 

i have always avoided any ex until the dust well and truly settles.

 

feelings can still run deep despite how confident we feel its gone, you will know when your chest pounds with adrenelin when you spot em. rather you than me, but hey, good luck. as a last point, turning up at a place where your ex is could be construed as you trying to make them jealous or to hint at you have moved on. be prepared for that.

 

hope this helps

[DN]

I have also started spending a lot of time with a guy from work over the last few weeks. We have fun, laugh, hang out and yeah it's been quite sexually charged as well. He has told our boss that we're dating (boss is fine with it all) so it seems this guy is taking 'us' seriously.

 

Are you taking it seriously?

[kvb10]

Hey -- yeah sounds like it could be stressful. I think my best advice would be not to be hanging onto the new guy too much while you are around your ex since it'll be the first time that either of you has someone new. I hope it goes well!

[1guygirl]

I would take new guy, and since i know that youre not gunna play a cheap game of being all over this date infront of ex, i would say dont let your date do this to you either. i say that cos some guys like to 'lay claim' to a woman if they know her ex is around in a "shes mine now" territory way (i speak from experience here

 

i hope your date is bit further on in the evolution stakes than that

 

anyways, ENJOY the party of you and your date mingling and having fun and do not even glance at your ex but if he bumps into you and says hi, give it a VERY cheery "oh hi yeah how ya doing? yeah im good thanks, look maybe speak later take care!!!"

[RichardCollier]

Personally, I don't think the e-mail is necessary. Sure there is a possibility that he reacts negatively (given that he hasn't also moved on) but so what? He dumped you, you have the right to move on...but contrariwise I'd have to agree with Jahur, you think that you've healed and are ready to face them but from my own experience that isn't the case. I saw my x today at the elevator after 1 month of not seeing her...even though I think that I've healed enough but that wasn't the case...So maybe it's not a good idea to go to the party at all with or without this new guy...short term pain for longer term gain

[jahur]

 

short term pain for longer term gain

 

 

great quote!

[squirl]

No need to email the ex. Very bad idea.

 

If I was really into the new guy, I would definitely minimize putting myself and him into this situation until the thought of seeing my ex's face would not bum me out. I would like the new guy too much to want to jeopardize it.

 

Despite everyone's best intentions, it can get weird. If you still have a soft spot for the ex as you said, it might feel weird and may complicate things with your new guy. It could cast a cloud on your new infatuation if you mix it with a bittersweet experience. Personally, I would avoid going at all. If you must, perhaps stop by to say your hellos but have an exit strategy like a movie.

[petite]

Don't bother emailing him. You have every right to live your life the way you see fit. Your ex needed it and that was his choice, why would you need to explain anything to him?

 

If you see him, which I'm guessing you definitely will don't try to ignore him or be rude. Just be yourself. If he says Hello, you say it back. Mutual respect and that's it.

[jahur]

wow emailing, it will sound like you really want him to notice your moving on. which from what you are saying you are clearly not.

 

i wonder if it will end up in drunken brawl. your ex no doubt will be brewing inside at the sight of you laughing and canoodling with your current partner,even so you may get the old green eyes when he is over a fellow female at this party , dont be so selfish, your new partner will see this as a way of getting at your ex. wise up or lose both and end up with nothing, except a title of a trouble maker, because thats exactly what im reading here.

 

you may not be, but it looks like it is, bad move!

[squirl]

IIRC, last week you got off to a rocky start with the new guy because:

 

a. you looked at his phone without permission

b. he was until recently also seeing his ex

c. you work together (and also with his ex, who was "annoying" him by hanging around at a work party)

 

Did I miss anything?

 

I applaud you for healing and trying to move on, but please check your judgment. From the outside, it looks like a fragile situation already. Either you are somehow trying to even the score or subconsciously sabotaging the chances with the new guy.

 

Please consider the potential consequences on work, the new relationship and your overall healing if each of these variables do not play out exactly in your favor.

 

So . . . why is it you want to go to this party?

[red.ribbon]

I'm certainly not a trouble maker. I did already mention that i'm not taking him as some kind of method to make the ex jealous!

 

Why do I want to take the new guy? Because I really like him and feel like: "why should I miss out on going to my friend's birthday party with him just to avoid any possible drama?"

 

Squirl, I agree, a lot of this does look like a fragile situation. Apart from that STUPID stupid moment I felt panicky and looked at his phone, it has all been going well with him. I feel stable and happy with the situation. I really quite like him and don't find it a problem that we work together. (By the way, the ex that was hanging around him a lot was an ex from a year ago. The ex he was "still with" was just a girl he had gone on a few dates with but didn't feel much for her)

 

What a lot of you probably don't know is that I actually hung out with the ex quite a few times since the break up, so it's not like this will be that first crucial moment I see him since the break up! I definitely wouldn't ignore or avoid him, nor would I go over the top in affection with my new boy, nor would I push my new boy aside either.

 

When I say I have a soft spot for my ex, it isn't some kind yearning or anything like that, I guess it's just hard to turn off feelings for someone like a tap and you don't want to see someone you've cared for looking hurt, it's only natural. That said, I don't feel so guilty about bringing my new guy to the party anymore. I feel more on top of it now and know I will be able to handle it and I truly doubt anything bad will happen anyway. My ex and new guy are both quite level headed guys, not macho or anything like that.

[red.ribbon]

In addition..I guess it may look like I'm being passe' about new guy? Does it look that way? I'm not sure.

 

I guess I'm just trying to not get too excited about it because it's only new. I'm learning from my past mistakes, I used to become so enmeshed in my relationships that I would lose myself. I'm just trying to keep stable and on my own two feet.

 

Meanwhile I do really like him! We have fun together and have the same humor and are just happy walking around aimlessly together, wiling away time and enjoying each others company. I find him to be a delicious specimen

 

Also, by me being more stable and not so full on with this new guy, I'm finding for once it isn't mostly one sided (me!), ie he will often instigate us going on a date or will call me to have a chat. It's nice to feel chased, rather than me being full throttle! But don't worry, I do reciprocate and return the interest shown.