Got ex back but she wants to hang with her OP still !!

[tripping]

Gday all,

 

ok might be a long one..... please read though...

 

 

Firstly - me and my gt we were having lots of dramas.. we dont live together she had her kids i have mine. she was very unhappy and we called a break... she than turned the break into a split a week later

 

i knew she always had a thing a another guy... ALWAYS. so soon enough i knew they were spending lots of time together.

 

Well after a 6 break that was the typical crazy roller coaster me and my GF reunited .. over the weekend... was meant to be just as friends but ended up being a crazy love filled 3 days together.

 

she had told me in different conversations that had had not done anything with OP ... he is just an amazing fun guy but they both weren't ready to do anything..... this surprised me because i actually prepared myself for them to be fooling around... so needless to say i was very happy

 

i have not been with any1 else... i could have... but just couldn't .. so i am really stoked my GF does not have to deal with that.

 

 

Today was D DAY she is really worried about many issues but we both decided to give it another go happy days

 

but in the conversation we had i found out.... slowly but surely she had been fooling around with this guy.... and its pretty obvious she is still holding back.... ( you don't hope in bed with som1 naked and only touch) and she does not regret it ... and pretty much lied to me... and hasn't even said sorry or acknowledged she lied or even that this must suck for me ... the whole " i was single and i could do whatever i like" thing going on.... yes she was single i know... still sucks.. and i would fell like crap if it was in reverse.

 

anyways point of my post --- at first i said i didn't mind her hanging out with OP - he sounds like a really fun guy ... they have a connection but as long as they hang out in a crowd environment i reckon its all good...Her kids really like him... he is living the life.... pool boat fast car blah blah blah.

 

obviously my opinion has changed i dont her hanging out with him... but she actually thinks is ok for her to hang out at his having fun bbq, her kids swimming in pool... and so on ... is it just me or is this CRAZY!!!

 

as it is i am dealing with this dude being with my girl... but now to be expected to be cool with them still hanging out, partying together etc.

 

she has constantly told me how awesome the last 6 weeks has been... and a lot of it has revolved around OP ... is it just me or has she picked the wrong guy?

 

in the end of our convo she really started to get she might have to give up some of this "fun" ... this was upsetting her ... we parted ways...

 

i never got angry or upset or whatever ... we just talked... she was brutally honest and i listened

 

these are the texts that followed --

 

her - ay sorry for getting upset about loosing stuff i have just gained over the past 6 weeks. guess i didnt think to much about it.

 

me - its ok i guess we both still have a lot to think about xxx

 

her - Yeah i guess so - all i know is i love you... but i didnt give much thought of how my whole life was going to change again as well as my kids lives.... guess we can only try and see where we end up.

 

me - thank you for being honest about OP. i will always think there is more to tell but i do respect you for being truthful. it does change everything now though at first i accepted you had been with him. than you tell me nothing happened but now i know that is not true. so i no longer see him as just your fun friend and you have made it very clear he is so much more and i once again thank you for your honesty. baby you know you cant have your cake and eat it too. choosing me means totally giving up OP and you have got to be willing to do that. its not fair to both OP and particular me if you think you can have the best of both worlds. i know it sucks baby but either way you will have to loose one of us.

 

her - i dont have to loose anything OP is always going to be in my life and so are you! sorry about that.... i will not sacrifice everything in my life again NO WAY!

 

a bit of a break in texting than

 

her - Great now your not replying you said if i choose OP you would still be my friend now thats changed? when i have chose you? i dont understand?

 

me - Sorry for not replying i am just letting it sink in and working out what i can and can not accept with you and OP. i know most guys would never be cool with thier girl who they are crazy in love with hanging out with a dude they have slept with recently and still had feelings for. it seems crazy! i am suprised by your last text and you expect it to be ok really? what your asking for is massive. but as i say i will take a big deep breath and work out what it all means for me xxx

 

her -no problems i will let you be for a few days. i dont know what else you want me to say. OP is a friend and i am able to control myself with him but i am not willing to expel him from my whole life... that is not cool. i never said i had feeling for him just think he is an awesome guy that i enjoy spending time with and so does my kids. so maybe you are better to find a woman that is brand new. i still want to be your friend if your up to it if you don't want a relationship with me.

 

so we have a stalemate

 

 

i would like to give this relationship another go for sure ... i know i love her... i know we have something special... but i need to keep some dignity... and i need to be honest... can i trust her and than can i be ok with her hanging with this dude....

 

is it just me or what she is asking me to do crazy??

 

thanks in advance

[Dragunov-21]

You're going to have to either come to terms with her having been with this guy, or let the whole thing go... There are few people who could that.

 

To be honest, it sound like she want to have it both ways, and that's not fair on you, IMO.

 

At the risk of being harsh, from this:

 

her -no problems i will let you be for a few days. i dont know what else you want me to say. OP is a friend and i am able to control myself with him but i am not willing to expel him from my whole life... that is not cool. i never said i had feeling for him just think he is an awesome guy that i enjoy spending time with and so does my kids. so maybe you are better to find a woman that is brand new. i still want to be your friend if your up to it if you don't want a relationship with me.

 

It doesn't sound like she's invested in you, she was wanting to play the field, and may still want to, and if you were having lots of dramas before... Is it really worth it? Personally, I wouldn't go anywhere near this, but then I'm not you, and I'm not there.

 

Whatever you choose to do, I hope it works out. Welcome to ENA

[DN]

OP is a friend and i am able to control myself with him but i am not willing to expel him from my whole life... that is not cool. i never said i had feeling for him just think he is an awesome guy that i enjoy spending time with and so does my kids. so maybe you are better to find a woman that is brand new. i still want to be your friend if your up to it :smile: if you don't want a relationship with me.

Not only is she essentially choosing this guy's friendship over a relationship with you but she is lukewarm at best about your relationship anyway.

 

I think you should find a woman that is brand new - this one is not in love with you.

[bish0p2004]

Not only is she essentially choosing this guy's friendship over a relationship with you but she is lukewarm at best about your relationship anyway.

 

I think you should find a woman that is brand new - this one is not in love with you.

 

DN is right. Three VERY big red flags:

 

1) The other guy

2) Her choosing her friendship with this guy over a relationship with you

3) Her blatantly telling you to go find someone brand new if you don't like it

 

Sorry, man...but her feelings just aren't strong for you anymore. Lets say that she is telling the truth about this guy (that it's nothing more than a friendship...doubtful, but whatever); still, she will eventually reject you for another guy who comes along. A guy who she will respect enough to drop the OP for.

 

Move on man. Go NC and don't take this one back. Better yet, tell her to go eff herself, then go NC.

[iBroken]

You need to pass on this chick until this dude is out of her life (and you have viable proof that is he is no longer in the picture).

 

I say you cut your losses and move on.

[tripping]

thanks for the replys

 

after more texting last night she came to talk to me today --- she was so so defensive it was ridiculous

 

she admitted she has been having sex with this dude .... she gave me a really terrible apology for lying to me that meant nothing really ... no real empathy or regret or nothing.. she was on the defence or attack the whole time as i calmly spoke to her and expressed my pain... got nothing in return

 

i told her i am more hurt by the lies...

 

she did what she did with this dude when we were not together... its hurts like hell but i can deal with it

 

she kept on going on that apart from lying she did nothing wrong she will never regret being with him and has no remorse... she was SUPER COLD!

 

i am clearly not going near her until she decides on this so called friendship with OP or to be with me no way can she have both !!

 

i think she has a screw loose huh..... seriously lol !! i really think she has some mental issue or she is the most selfish cold hearted person i have ever met .... i am waiting for her to break... and actually get what she is done.... having three fantastic day putting us both in la la land of love... getting me thinking this might work... crying to me she wants me back... than breaking my heart and now saying we wont work coz she has loved the last 6 weeks and is not willing to give it up .... she got rocks in her head!! but i love her damnit!!!!!!

 

N.C has started!

 

thanks again

[DN]

Time to move on from this one. I think you fell in love with the person you thought she is - not the person she really is.

[tripping]

ay dn i think your right she is a nasty nasty girl who thinks she is all that ... when she is not

[tripping]

ay guys

 

well i have been on that roller coaster again... pisses me off i got off the rollercoaster after 4 weeks of healing... and she put me back on it

 

The GOOD news is - i woke up this morning knowing i dont want her back i dont not want to be in a realationship with some1 like her. i think i already knew this... i think those 3 days i was loving the attention the companionship... the sex! yes i love her.. but i dont want to be with her in a serious relationship... i do hope to be her friend... even friends with benefits.... but not fussed i have my walls up and will never ever let her back in!

 

i know i am still on that coaster... but now i see the light

[jimmajam]

Not only is she essentially choosing this guy's friendship over a relationship with you but she is lukewarm at best about your relationship anyway.

 

I think you should find a woman that is brand new - this one is not in love with you.

 

I agree minus the last part, you decide if you want someone new or you really want to be with her.

 

My issue is that she is completely disrespecting you by keeping this guy around. It's one thing if he was an ex and they remained on friendly terms (talk from time to time...whatever), but to leave for him, then come back to you and expect to be able to still spend time with him is ridiculous. If she left for him once who is to say she is over or won't leave for him again. I'd definitely put my foot down on this one or leave.

 

DN Made another good point on choosing that friendship over your relationship. I admit I handled my ex being friends with an ex wrong, but at the same time she really chose that friendship over us. What does that say about how she really felt about me? A LOT! I never even asked her not to talk to them and she still let it get between us.

[AMR]

Welcome to ENA tripping,

Sorry to hear that. Well, I’ve also been in the “he’s just a friend” stage so every time I hear this word kind of freak out.

Not sure how long you were in this relationship but despite the length being cheated no doubt is always painful.

 

she was so so defensive it was ridiculous

she admitted she has been having sex with this dude .... she gave me a really terrible apology for lying to me that meant nothing really ... no real empathy or regret or nothing.. she was on the defence or attack the whole time as i calmly spoke to her and expressed my pain... got nothing in return

 

she kept on going on that apart from lying she did nothing wrong she will never regret being with him and has no remorse... she was SUPER COLD!

 

Being SUPER COLD is her defense mechanism.

 

Some cheaters show remorse, some do not, some even do not regret and seems quite a lot blame the betrayed part (as a self mechanism).

Quote from another post: “It's not like the cheaters have tears at the moment they're about to cheat or are doing it. It was rather a 'Sorry I got caught’ line.”

 

Why do people blame the faithful spouse for the decision to cheat?

They do it to justify their actions. Deep down I think they know it is their fault, but they rewrite the entire history of the relationship to justify what it is they have done. Like they have to have a reason for what happened and can't take accountability for their own actions so they blame it on their partner.

 

You have to understand that cheating is a purely selfish act. It isn't done to spite the other person but a pursuit of ones' own selfish desires.

 

Yes, it is extremely, extremely painful.

 

 

Why do people blame the faithful spouse for the decision to cheat?

They do it to justify their actions. Deep down I think they know it is their fault, but they rewrite the entire history of the relationship to justify what it is they have done. Like they have to have a reason for what happened and can't take accountability for their own actions so they blame it on their partner.

 

You have to understand that cheating is a purely selfish act. It isn't done to spite the other person but a pursuit of ones' own selfish desires.

 

Yes, it is extremely, extremely painful.

 

i think she has a screw loose huh..... seriously lol !! i really think she has some mental issue or she is the most selfish cold hearted person i have ever met .... i am waiting for her to break... and actually get what she is done....

N.C has started!

thanks again

 

NC seems the best.

“screw loose”, emotional unstable, lack-self esteem, GIGS syndrome, infatuated… any of these or a mix of.

Probably because she still wonder about both of you that she is “confused”. Though within this “confusion stage” seems the “new and excitement” of the “new friendship” seems more alluring than the “old relationship”.

 

“Having the cake and eating it..”

For what I went through and read some ENA posts seems lots of times this stage of “confusion” lasts for a while as long as no one takes a decision to put an end to it.

 

They want the “security”, “comfort” from the old relationship plus the “excitement”, “attention” from the new one.

 

Recipe for a disaster.

 

That is why she may look like “mental”.

 

As said I’ve been in that situation and lasted for 6 months… totally crazy. 3 times came back.

She kept meeting the OP.

Doing promises she could not keep.

Not advisable to anyone.

 

My conclusion on that was that if the person really wants to work things out… they do it right away and the best way to probe it is by cutting all sort of contact with OP. Though then comes sometimes that “one wants what one cannot have”. Which is a niiiice mistake I did. And hope no one does.

 

Otherwise they just keep playing hard ball…and enjoying both "friends".

 

Then one should think, "do I want to be this person friend or BF?".

 

DN is right. Three VERY big red flags:

1) The other guy

2) Her choosing her friendship with this guy over a relationship with you

3) Her blatantly telling you to go find someone brand new if you don't like it

 

Sorry, man...but her feelings just aren't strong for you anymore. Lets say that she is telling the truth about this guy (that it's nothing more than a friendship...doubtful, but whatever); still, she will eventually reject you for another guy who comes along. A guy who she will respect enough to drop the OP for.

 

Move on man. Go NC and don't take this one back. Better yet, tell her to go eff herself, then go NC.

 

Totally agree with DN.

Once a “friendship” is more important than the feelings from your BF… it shows a lot.

There is no RESPECT. Which is key on relationships.

 

Dropping the OP is key.

As hard as may seem that you may want her back… that she still tells you she loves you….misses you…you name it...b/s…(with all my respects) this is just a way of keeping you around.

At least was what happened to me in a very similar situation of “just friends” which of course found out later was an affair…and well ended how it had to end.

No worth going down that path. Kind of suicidal unless you want to loose some extra pounds (sorry for the irony…but after loosing 2st 5.1lb in few months…that believe me all this can have a tremendous toll on YOU. Not HER)

 

I am of the opinion the relationship can be saved after an affair and even come out of it stronger.

But for that both parts need to work out a lot. Understand what was not working out previously (if the case) and why happened the affair.

IMO this option seldom happens because (Quoted from another post “I know people that have been happily married for over 30 years. I've spoken with some of them on issues like this, and they don't really comprehend it. They took a vow, and that's it. It's give and take, requires work and effort (how many people nowadays enjoy work and effort?), and it grows.”

 

QUOTE from DN to move on from this one. I think you fell in love with the person you thought she is - not the person she really is.

Yep.

The image of the person you REMEMBER.

Despite being tough, we should learn to read people’s action’s and not only believe words.

As harsh as might be.

[AMR]

Good you are feeling better.

“Friends with benefits” situation may work out if you are totally aware of that and able to play game in this triangle relationship…Though if you still have feelings for her could be something really hurts you.

 

 

I agree with jinma and DN. Seems we have done the same mistake and that is why are emphasizing it for you not to do it.

Plus I would add another reason for not remaining friends of someone who lied in such a way… Self respect.

Why give them the benefit to enjoy our companion, friendship?

 

But of course is entirely up to you and guess depends on how long have you been with her.

 

best of luck,

[Adge]

Move on man. Go NC and don't take this one back. Better yet, tell her to go eff herself, then go NC.

 

That made me chuckle! LOL

[tripping]

Gday Guys thanks for your responses in particular AMR

 

First of all an update - - after i told her i didnt want to be with her everything was great - she knew it was coming too as she knows what i am like when it comes to lying. we started being real friends... WOW so much better with out all the issues... was awesome..... i even hung out with her kids... which was always an issue in the past (see below). Me not wanting to be with her actually made us just enjoy each other companies... before we knew it though we were once again being affectionate again... and made love....we had a massive D&M where she once again said it was just to hard to be with me..... while this sucked it didnt hurt as i didnt let her in... but she broke down... TOTALLY. FINALLY her walls were down!!! ...fast forward a week and we have now being back together for 3 crazy magical weeks.

 

She had Totally expelled OP out of her life... she finally got it! she finally put her walls down, she finally showed some empathy for me. she was finally willing to give up her new party lifestyle the OP and his friends were offering.

 

more info -------------------------------------------------------------

 

we were together for 18months... but have known each other for about 10 years in which time we had other partners.. that were linked into each others familys..

 

we went through so so much drama to be together and i could tell you the whole jerry springer story... but i wont lol. ( ok quick info - 7 years ago our ex partners had an affair with each other - her ex was my bro.... yeh OUCH!.... )

 

because of the family ties we had lots of restrictions, dramas and so forth.. and it all took its toll... including her being very high maitinance and me starting up a business... me having a handful of kids to an ex she totally hates... with out to much freedom didnt help either.

 

 

it all got to much and she started to detach... i tried harder... but she got more distant. she even went and seen the OP one night and had a couple of drinks with him pre break up... it was meant to be with a couple of friends.. but they didnt turn up.... she says nothing happened ... but i will always wonder though...... he had his kids there so perhaps nothing did.... no doubt she was looking at her options anyways.... if at any time she did cheat on me this was it.

 

three days later we broke up......a week later we still made love and was still wanting each and had some big D&M other but she was determined to break free of me and all the dramas that come from being with me. a week later i had a "moment" where i went a lil crazy (yes i was drinking) said i couldnt be her friend once she slept with OP.... than it was NC for 3 weeks.... this is where her and OP started partying together... sleeping together..... she just moved on really fast with a dude who i knew she has liked for a long time... THIS is the scaryest thing out of it all... she moved on so so fast.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

the thing was we were not together... so she didnt really cheat... even though i was heart broken i also started chasing other people... and had a couple of sure things offering me fun times... i just never took them.... i was close to though... and was planning to the night my GF came back into my life after NC...

 

So now i deal with that my GF slept with another dude several times..... she didnt cheat or betray me... but it still hurts like hell........ but i almost did the same........

 

i dont make her feel guilty but i know my mood swings are all over the place... the other night we were talking and she told me she never fell out out love with me the whole time... i asked her why she would sleep with som1 else than... she said she does not know... and cried.... and said maybe she was rebelling...

 

i think she went looking for things she was not happy with in our relationship and found them with OP...

 

its going to be hard to deal with her being with som1 else... esp when he is a local... i think i am big enough.... still scares the * * * * outta me though.... as well as who she was 4 those two days cold hearted days......

[AMR]

Really glad to hear that tripping !

 

There is plenty of info around about getting trust back after infidelity (though you say did not happened), or how to communicate better, or have better healthier relationships… might help to go through that info.

 

I am of the opinion that when that sort of reconciliations happen one should look back and learn from past experiences and try to not fall into the same issues caused the first break up. So I believe that is now when the real work starts of nurturing the relationship.

 

Enjoy

 

One question:

So you decided did not want to be with her as a partner but just as a friend and then later developed into the relationship again?

 

 

 

PS: made me believe reconciliations still can happen

[TSandullo]

Lol!

 

hopefully this will be the end of the entire drama and the start of something fresh, lasting and true.

 

Honestly, if we had a 35mm camera and a large production budget, we would have a show that can rival sunset beach!

 

Congrats once again.

 

Slow and steady arite. All the best my friend.

 

TS

[tripping]

and this is only 1/3 of the story..TS . lol

 

Yeh AMR - i honestly thought i didnt want to be with her anymore... and this took so much weight off my shoulders.... it was a great feeling... this made both of us focus on just enjoying each other companies..... and both of us wanted each other to be happy.... i guess when i started to see the soft side of her... when her walls were down... the affection never stopped mind you she was constantly fighting with herself not to go back to the negatives of our previous relationship... but when she stopped looking for the negatives and focused on her love 4 me she would always want to be with me.

 

funny thing is a lot of those issues are gone now....

 

i think you are right AMR when it comes to the confusion stage.......

 

new fun dude with no dramas and with me gone possible drama free lifestyle.

 

or me who she loves but has baggage....

 

 

i think the big thing was we separated for the wrong reasons... the love didnt go it just got 2 hard.... unfortunately she found an easier option... there was no cheating.. but it still hurts like hell...

 

 

i have had some ED problems in the past... today while making love i thought about them together.... down he went OUCH!! .... she was shattered..covered up.. took it really personally.... luckily i reassured her... and than we made love with out dramas.... phew!!

[tripping]

gday all

 

im back lol

 

struggling guys.... struggling... cant get over being with this other guy and because we were not together it was not technically cheating... but it is still doing my head in

 

We have been great though some of our old issues have come up but we are dealing with them heaps better and we are both being heaps more honest (brutually sometimes)

 

so all is pretty good but i have triggers about op can can ruin my day totally

 

i have been getting really angry about it lately and it all came to head when we saw him at the local club - ohhh i saw * * * * ttty on the way homw i told her some very harsh opionions and i guess my anger that will not go away is now out in the open... last 3 days have been terrible - i cant stop thinking about it is we are at a cross roads

 

she has done everything right , regret, NC, ...and all that but it still eats away at me things like -

 

she ran straight to this guy.... replaced and got over " the man of her dreams" " the love of her life" me so quick..

 

she knew (and i told her) once she slept with him or som1 else we were over forever.... she did anyway.. than lied about it

 

i was in a world of pain and made it clear i wanted her back... while she was sleeping this guy

 

the lying....... dam i hate lying

 

maybe i cant get over this hurdle i dont know... its kinda like she made her decision when she slept with the guy... she does not deserve me

 

but we have been great together and can be great... she makes me happy and i deserve to be happy... this give me hope... than i go negative again ARRRRRHHHHH

 

just wish i could delter this from my memory and we would be so strong.....

 

DAM LOVE IS SUCH A * * * * * HUH LOL

 

thanks for reading my rant

[tripping]

oh forgot to mention maybe my anger has been building becasue in 8 weeks i will be at a friends wedding with my GF where the OP will also be GRRRRrrrr - lucky for me i am aslo the photographer on the day so i will stay professional - i would love to be strong enough to trun up and not let it effect me... but dont see that happening... even if i can fake it i will be happy - i so want to be at peace with my past and move on...

[iBroken]

Been in your shoes tripping. I tried for months to get past it but seeing the OP in the elevator (cause he lived right accross the hall from my now ex). I never got past it and as a result, she cut me loose. She did all the things to try to make me feel better. NC with the other guy, regret etc, but I would trigger all the time.

 

I would just tell you to cut your losses (as I stated) and move on. I have been without my ex for 3 months now and I am in a better place now then I was when I was with her and constantly reminded of the other guy.

 

She is with a new guy now (replaced me after we split - clearly I was just a place holder until she found someone new) and that doesnt even bother me as much as it hurt being with her and being reminded of the OP. (dont get me wrong, it stings she has someone else so soon, but not as bad as being in that toxic situation for 6 months)