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Dilemma... I would like some advice


GunSlinger

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Hello..

To briefly describe my situation. My gf broke up with me a little over a month ago. I had seen it coming for a while, I had read what to do in this situation, and I was prepared... I agreed with the breakup and went straight into NC. 17 days later she contacted me "just to hear my voice", as she put it. Since then we have been communicating. She initiates most of the contacts, but I also initiated a few. On 2 occasions she gave me hints she might be having second thoughts - she said she missed me, and another time that she's constantly thinking about me.

But (don't you just hate that there is always a but) when we talk it's always about everyday things. I keep the conversation light and casual, I joke with her, I never flinched or acted needy, even when she told me she missed me. It's been about 2 weeks now since she broke NC.

I am worried that this is going towards a friendship, which I am not interested in.

 

My dilemma is this - do I tell her straight up that I do NOT want to be friends, or do I just stop initiating any contacts and keep my casual, aloof attitude when she contacts me... and basically communicate it that way and not with words

 

I have already asked this question in another thread and gotten one response... thanks LittleMadmoiselle But I thought it would be better to start a new thread. Thanks

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This is just my opinion, but if she broke NC 2.5 weeks after initiated, and she told you that she misses you, then I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that she's nowhere near over you and probably will eventually want you back in her life beyond being friends, but doesn't know it yet.

 

What were the reasons for the breakup, per chance?

 

If I were you, I'd keep myself as a presence in her life, and continue to not be needy. Use this as an opportunity to work on yourself and the issues that caused the breakup. It'll be a balancing act, but I do believe that if you play it right and use strong judgment, that you guys will be back together.

 

Good luck!

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My dilemma is this - do I tell her straight up that I do NOT want to be friends, or do I just stop initiating any contacts and keep my casual, aloof attitude when she contacts me... and basically communicate it that way and not with words

 

I say tell her straight up that you do want to be friends and give her an ultimatium otherwise you are playing games.

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I think what she's trying to do here is to keep you on just enough of a leash so that you don't stray too far away as she decides what it is she really wants. If I were in your shoes I'd begin to return less and less of her calls and make the conversations between the two of you more brief. Make it look like you've got places to be and things to do. As long as she can have you talk to her at will she's probably going to keep you in the neutral zone for a long time. If you don't cater to her needs of being available to talk she will either move on quickly or ask you to reconsider the relationship, either way these two scenarios are much better than to be kept in the neutral / wishy washy zone and stress over the situation. This way you can move on either way.

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But (don't you just hate that there is always a but) when we talk it's always about everyday things.

 

And this is the problem with being just friends.

 

Sorry but that doesn't sound like win/win to me. It sound more like lose/win. She gets her needs met and you do not.

 

I appreciate people that advocate the LC and friends approach but it still almost always leads back to a state of confusion; what do I do next? How do I handle this, how do handle that? And with all due respect to LadyM, she is in that same state. That elephant is still in the room so to speak. And she is not 100% sure how to proceed.

 

The approach I suggested eliminates all the confusion. If they contact you after that, there is no uncertainity, things are very clear and you continue the relationship. If they do not contact you, you will have taken the necessary steps to moving on and healing.

 

That is the win/win.

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Uh, whoops - I meant win/win as in going NC. That's what I'd said/advised in my own post, and I think it was reiterated here.

 

Win/win = OP cuts off contact; this will allow him to focus on his own things, activities, hobbies, health, etc. A win. On her end, she will get her stuff together quicker and faster and make more definitive choices with him and their relationship since she has to put in more effort, if she wants to come back and if it is meant to happen.

 

This "checking in" thing is positive, but in the worst-case scenario, she could just be doing it while she's trying to find her own footing.

 

At first, I too tried to be friends with my ex when we broke up. I saw him only once in the 8 months we have been apart, but kept in contact via text/email every few weeks or so. He would always write back, but I got some delayed responses and nothing indicating reconciliation. So I cut it off for good about 3 months after. Told him I could not put in the effort to be "friends" if he wasn't, regardless of the depression/issues he was going through.

 

I had to let him do it himself. And I could only do that by taking myself out of the situation completely. Best thing I ever did. n

 

What I'm doing now is letting my ex take the initative and put himself out there after being in a significant period of NC. I was doing it to move on finally - and he's lucky he contacted me when he did, because I ended up being in a much better state AND still willing to see if things could work out. I still love him. But also love myself more than I did when we first got together

 

Anyway, long story short...Gunslinger, follow your own heart, and if this contact is making you uncomfortable and sad, cut it off. You can always be 'friends' in the future. IMO, if you have any inkling of desire to get back into a relationship with her, I think it would be best to allow for a cooling-off period at the very least and cut off contact with her ASAP. It'll force her to think. And it will be a powerful move for your OWN wellbeing

 

Hope that doesn't sound harsh..thinking positively for ya here.

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Thank you everyone for your insights. It is very helpful. For now I am not going to say the words "I don't want to be friends"... I can always do that, so why jump the gun...

 

But I am not initiating any more contacts. When she calls I will keep my conversations as brief as possible and I will not always be available to satisfy her needs. I don't see it as playing games. If I don't see any progress I will tell her that this type of a relationship (neither friends nor a couple) is unhealthy for both of us.

 

Why we broke up? She has been dealing with her kids a lot. She shares custody with her ex husband, but they are not on good terms and it drains her energy a great deal. She said that she cannot be a good mother and a good partner at the same time, and that she simply cannot cope any more. Well, that's on the surface, it gets much more complicated and deeper, but I will not burden you with any more details.

 

Thanks again for your advice

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Sounds like she just wants you as a friend anyway so by breaking up with you, she gets what she wants.

 

Best of luck!

Don't worry, I will not be her friend. But I think it hasn't been that much time since she broke NC, 2.5 weeks now. She made the first move... and stopped. I will give her a little more time. Basically I AM going NC, but it's ok if she contacts me. However, the only thing I will let her discuss AT LENGTH is our relationship. Anything else, I will be brief, but cordial and warm at the same time. In case she does not bring up the relationship in the near future, ONLY THEN will I EXPLICITLY tell her I am not interested in being friends.

 

Anyway, I think she knows all of this already. When we were breaking up I told her I wanted all or nothing. If she doesn't know it consciously, she feels it. We were together for 2.5 years and she knows me that much.

 

Thanks anyway for your advice, I needed to hear an unbiased opinion. I appreciate it

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Ok so you are not her friend but you are still in many ways there for her so she hasn't lost much if that if all she wanted.

 

Hope that makes better sense! And you're welcome!

 

I know how hard it is to let go to someone you care about because I recently went through the same thing. I hope it works out for you.

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Ok, I have a little update... would appreciate your thoughts. I just need some objective opinions/suggestions

 

My gf sent me a text message asking why I haven't been calling lately. I replied that I cannot imagine us being just friends. She then replied that I would never be "just another friend". Then I said that there is no point in neither being friends nor a couple. Her last message was "OK, have it your way".

 

I basically became the rejector now, and she the rejectee. She reached out to me, and I said no. The roles have switched. But I DO love her and want her back. Should I continue to stick to NC now?

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