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Responding to first email after 5 weeks


PKNY

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So here's my story. My ex (2 1/2 year relationship) broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. Two days after the break up we got back in touch, she came over to my place and basically told me how much she loved me and we spent the night telling each other how much we cared about each other and wanted to do anything to make our relationship work out. She decided that she still needed some time on her own but that we should consider this a break rather than a break up, and that we would get back in touch in a month. During this time I broke NC once to call and see how she was doing, which did nothing but make me feel like a fool for intruding on her life.

 

Now that the month is up she's sent me an email basically asking if I still wanted to talk now, but telling me that she hopes that we're on the same page since she's decided that our breakup was the best for both of us. She goes on to say pretty much word for word that she still wants me in her life, but as a friend.

 

During our time apart I've actually been able to grow a lot, and I do feel that w/o time apart our relationship wouldn't have been great for either of us. Still I can't help but wish that time apart would allow us to start a new relationship and I'm fairly frustrated that after how we left things, she would assume I'd be on the same page as her.

 

My problem now is that I feel like I need to respond to her email, but I'm not sure what I want to say or how much I should say. Immediately after getting the message, I felt like I returned to square 1 but I'm starting to regain my composure. I'm definitely not interested in begging to get her back, but I don't know how much of my feelings about the situation now I should really let on. I'm starting to feel alright without her, but I still want her back in my life so I'm not sure that being friends or even seeing her would be good for me. I'm also not really sure if she actually cares to see me or just thinks she is doing what's best for me.

 

I feel like I'm over the despair stage for now at least, but I'm not ready to be friends with her without ulterior motives. I'm debating asking for some more time and maybe suggesting we meet somewhere neutral just to catch up for a bit after a week or so. I don't think talking about our relationship like we had planned would benefit either of us right now but I can't bring myself to tell her that I want her totally out of my life for the foreseeable future.

 

Any advice on how I should respond to her would be greatly appreciated

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My advice - not return the email and don't send a text or a letter or a carrier pigeon. Don't do anything. One month is not long enough to learn any life leasons. When it comes to break ups of serious relationships (2 years like yours) nothing changes in a month. I've been through this a couple of times with a couple of different women and it almost comes down to a science. Move on the best you can and ignore her, This will feel conterproductive but trust me on this one. This works if you are trying to get past someone or trying to get someone back. Like I said it feels like the wrong thing and it's hard but for me, it's the only thing that works.

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Im going to go against what others are saying.

 

I would respond to the email and let her know that you respect her decision at this time however you are not ready to be friends with her. Let her know that you understood that you guys are on a break and now that she has permanently severed the relationship, you need to focus on grieving or healing (whatever you prefer to call it) and therefore, cannot have her around as a reminder during this time.

 

If you ignore the email, I suspect she will send more emails or texts....simple "Hello??!?!?!?" emails or "Did you get my last email?"

 

I would send the one so that you both are on the same page in terms of expectations. Make sure you spell out to her that she is not to be in contact with you as you are not ready for a friendship at this time. If you think that you guys can one day be friends, tell her that you may be in touch one day when you are healed and ready to accept her offer for friendship.

 

Good luck

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I ended up sending a short email back saying basically that I don't think it would be helpful for either of us to talk right now but that maybe we could catch up further down the line and she responded saying she agreed and it would be great to catch up sometime in the future.

 

I've been able to make it through this week w/o giving in to the urge to get back in touch w/ her. I know I'm going to run into her tonight, and I'm worried about how that will go. She's coming to a theater production that I was a designer for and there's no way we won't see each other there. I'm trying to psych myself up for it, I know I've got to come accross strong when she sees me. It's so hard to let go of that thought in the back of your head that maybe things will work out between us in the end.

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ugh, I'm backstage right now knowing I'll see her in around fifteen minutes. I hate this. I don't even know if she will bother acknowledging me and if she does I'm terrified of how the interaction will go.

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Well I ended up seeing her tonight and talking to her and our mutual friends for a bit. Because our mutual friend has no tact she ended up sitting right behind me where I was operating the sound board from and I had to speak to the group a few times. I managed to keep my cool and act confident but it was sooo hard. Overhearing her talk during intermission was almost unbearable. I don't know where I am now. I've been doing NC fo so long, but seeing and hearing her tonight has made me want to talk to her even more than I already do. This is so hard to get through. I know if I can keep my * * * * together through this next month I'll be ok. We're both graduating and will be out of this town. Even though we'll both most likely be in NYC after graduation, it's such a big place that hopefully we won't run into each other even though so much of the city reminds me of her. Having so many mutual friends makes this breakup almost impossible, it seems like I've lost so much more than just her through all of this and the fact that she lives only a block or so away from me makes this whole experience so much harder. I wish she was bent on contacting me, I wish I could feel in control of the situation but its so hard not to cast myself as the victim right now. I know I'm making a lot of progress w/ myself, and I hope that I can stay in that mindset and make this breakup into something that helps me move forward with my life.

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