Re: 24+ never had a girlfriend

[scrop]

It seems to me that are really two kinds of people with this trouble in the other thread.

 

One type is just shy. They've had relationships, or at least seem to be in a position where they could meet people and start one but they feel uncomfortable.

 

The other type has never had a relationship -of any kind.. They don't feel comfortable either, but they really aren't exposed to any opportunity.

 

There was alot of advice for the first type - but what about the second type.

[Gunther]

well, what do you do in an average day? Do you work for a living? I believe someone a thread above you asked almost the same question. Are you male or female. {I'm not being sexist but the rules change sometimes with gender} Do you have your own place? Do you do anything social? do you have any friends of the same gender? These will help a little bit if you can answere them.

[single4good]

Well perhaps I am not the best person to be asking for advice seeing as I have not had any luck in finding a girl myself. But i think the best solution is to basically make as many new friends as you can...so I would suggest joining activities where you will meet new people such as sport groups ect. It is a bit of a viscious cycle actually....the more friends you have the more you meet the more chance you will have of finding a yourself a potential g/f. To help myself I joined a dance class...I found this to be a great avenue lots of single girls and its a very relaxed environment where you can talk with them. Its a bit nerve racking to begin with but once you get past that it is a lot of fun.

[scrop]

Well, what do you do in an average day? Do you work for a living?

 

Yeah, I work for a large company.

 

Are you male or female? Do you have your own place?

 

Male, live in an apt. alone.

 

Do you do anything social?

 

Not a whole lot. I've never been comfortable in social settings since I was a child.

 

Do you have any friends of the same gender?

 

Sorta. They mostly just go bars or clubs. I hate those places because its not at all fun for me there.

[xxatti]

The best way to meet people naturally, is to find something you like to do and that you're good at, and be the best at it. People will flock to you, girls and guys. If you play baseball, be the best baseball player in the league and everybody will want to get to know you and hang around you.

 

You can create your own opportunity in bars/clubs or even just doing your normal everyday activities. But to use this method you have to make an effort. If you go to a bar, try and talk to people and meet somebody new. Even if it's another guy, that guy has friends that knows other girls (networking). Dont just hang around your friends that you came with all night.

[scrop]

The best way to meet people naturally, is to find something you like to do and that you're good at, and be the best at it. People will flock to you, girls and guys. If you play baseball, be the best baseball player in the league and everybody will want to get to know you and hang around you.

ings I like to do that I'm good at are solitary things.

 

 

You can create your own opportunity in bars/clubs or even just doing your normal everyday activities. But to use this method you have to make an effort. If you go to a bar, try and talk to people and meet somebody new. Even if it's another guy, that guy has friends that knows other girls (networking). Dont just hang around your friends that you came with all night.

 

You don't understand. I'm NOT going to go to a bar at all.

 

I don't even feel like trying to explain this. People who have expirenced this understand what this feels like. Those who haven't just don't seem to get it. Can't fathom what its like to not be able to talk to someone, to live in isolation. There's no point anymore.

 

Has anyone ever been there and changed? T

[xxatti]

"Things I like to do that I'm good at are solitary things."

 

Solitary things like what??? Playing cards??? There are tons of card tournaments that you could get involved in.

 

You don't understand. I'm NOT going to go to a bar at all.

 

I don't even feel like trying to explain this. People who have expirenced this understand what this feels like. Those who haven't just don't seem to get it. Can't fathom what its like to not be able to talk to someone, to live in isolation. There's no point anymore.

 

Has anyone ever been there and changed? T

 

Im writing because I've been there, so I know. The 1st thing you have to do is gain confidence. Your level of confidence and how you carry yourself make a HUGE impression on how women see you. Someone gave me the best piece of advice a while back. They said "How can you ever expect to meet anyone if you dont talk to anybody." Start off simple. Just smile and say "hi" to people when you do something as simple as go to the store (start with the cashier).

 

Confidence, confidence, confidence!! I can't stress this enough. You'll never get anywhere if you cant get the confidence to say "Hi" to somebody.

[scrop]

Solitary things like what??? Playing cards???

 

No like reading, or making things like software or electronics. Stuff you really can't involve other people in.

 

Im writing because I've been there, so I know. The 1st thing you have to do is gain confidence. Confidence, confidence, confidence!! I can't stress this enough. You'll never get anywhere if you cant get the confidence to say "Hi" to somebody.

 

That is exactly the problem. I DON'T have the confidence to say "hi" to people. I never have.

 

And alot of the reason I don't is because of the enitre situation with women in general. I've never been shown any type of interest, never had any interaction, never had any really communication with them. I've never been treated as I have seen them treat other guys. In other words, in thier eyes I'm not the same as those guys, not as good as those. Not as fully human as they are.

 

Sure part of it is my outlook - but that is not what started it. When I was growing up and go through high school and collage I didn't necessarily feel that way. Yet many, many others - most others - have had some kind of relationship with the opposite sex by the time they are an adult.

 

I'm not saying they all had girlf friends or were constantly getting attention from girls. But by the time they reached adulthood they'd had some form of social interaction. I don't know what I did that was so different.

 

What could I possibly even begin to base any confidence on? There is nothing about me another human has ever found interesting or attractive enough to say "hi" to me. Everyones advice is always just have confidence, have confidence. Well its a big problem.

[scrop]

Also, why couldn't one person say hi to me? Some adivce is to go around talking to people. Well, someone has to start talking to someone - why can;t someone start talking to me. Once. In all these years.

[xxatti]

Also, why couldn't one person say hi to me? Some adivce is to go around talking to people. Well, someone has to start talking to someone - why can;t someone start talking to me. Once. In all these years.

 

Lol. I used to feel the same way. "why must I be the one to initiate all the conversation? Why cant someone start talking to me??" Truth is, you may be putting off a standoffish vibe without even realizing it. This alone is enough to make people scared to talk to you. Another thing you have to realize is the way society is, a lot of women wont talk to a guy unless he talks to her first.

 

You say you dont have confidence, well now is the time to start getting it. You cant expect other people to give you confidence, you have to go out and get it yourself. Next time you go in a store, start by smiling and saying hi to the cashier. He/she cant reject you, they have to be cordial. After you get comfortable doing this, then you can move on to the next step.

[Shinobie]

Confidence is kind of bad thing too have low because it is really hard to get out of it.I mean if u need to go up to a girl to get confidence yet u dont have confidence how do u do it? its just really hard its just confusing.And as for scrops talking about attaraction i feel the same way man.When u see some friend he always has a girl that walks by and like looks at him in good way in rather convining way and he always tells me about it.But yet other people dont seem to do that with people like us.Like my friend said he was at a party one day and he said some girl came up to him and told him "ive been staring at your and ive noticed you were pretty hot" or something and then they satrted talking so it doesnt apply for everything but it seems rare.

[single4good]

Nobody here is saying they cant understand the reason you are feeling the way you do....obviously you as a person are moulded by the experiences you have in life and never having a girl show interest in you is going to go a long way in making you feel shy and stay away from places like clubs pubs ect. Here is my point though and the point I think a lot of people are trying to make when they talk about confidence.....the more you show people having no g/f has effected you... the less likely you are to have girls come up and speak to you in the future. It is definitely a vicious cycle....There really is only 2 options....you can sit there and dwell on the fact that no girl has ever given you any attention with a sad look on your face or you can *try* to put on a bright smile and act positive towards them. Obviously if you do want attention from girls you know which of these is going to be successful. Sure deep down this may not be easy for you to do and you may still feel negative inside however putting on a smile whether it is fake or not is going to get you further than sitting at home dwelling on the fact that no girls like you.

[Shinobie]

I dont know but sorry man it is just really really hard to get out of a slump like this.Everytime i start to try to feel good and think that maybe some girls might actually give me chance it always seems like some stupid things comes up from my friends or other outside factors that push me back down like i cant get out.

[xxatti]

Ok, let me try this again. You guys want a girl to just come up to you and throw herself at you (dont we all) but that's not thinking very realistically. The truth is unless you look like some male supermodel, thats just not gonna happen. And even if you did have the model look, you wouldnt get very far with girls if you held your head down moping in your lack of self esteem and self confidence all day.

 

There are things you can do to improve your looks. Learn to dress well. Go to the gym, build your physique. All of these things will help greatly with how women see you. But still, you will get nowhere if you dont know how to TALK!!!

[single4good]

I know it is not easy at all....you really have to force yourself to do it. But I swear it will be worth it for you. There is no more sure thing in all the world that if u stay home and don't get out and mix with people you will stay alone and get no attention from girls. You just need one good experience and you will see my point. However like I said you are not going to get that by sitting at home. Take it as a challenge to yourself and see how many times you can get yourself out each month and put a smile on your face and talk with a girl...you can take it from me I use to hate going out... I would get extremely nervous and almost couldn't bare the thought of it but here I am now.... I can go out and mix with people all the time in fact now I would say I absolutely love going out...there is no doubt it gets a lot easier the more you do it. You just have to bite the bullet and get over any reservations you have.

[NightLily]

Shinobie, do you have a picture or something that you could show us or me? I somehow doubt that you can really be as bad looking as you say. From the sounds of it.. you must be 5'4", 250 pounds, missing nearly all of your teeth, and have zits ontop of zits. Heh. Why do I doubt that.. The fact of the matter is, if you have one of any of those traits, women can still find you attractive. Some believe that being over weight totally ends your chances of getting a girl. In fact, being over weight can make it easier for women to trust you! I have no idea how you justify your belief that you look so horrible.. but whatever it is, I'm sure it can be conqured.

 

Also, can you think of any article of clothing or something like that.. that makes you feel extra confident? For instance, I have black leather boots that nearly go up to my knees and have stilletto heels. I LOVE them. Beyond that, I payed way to much for them ^_^' (Nordstroms). But, when I go out in those, NOBODY can stop me. Do you have anything like that by chance?

 

Note: If you believe you look good, you usually do.

 

-SuzyQ

(I love these threads. hehe)

[Shinobie]

Actually i am the complete opposite lol,i am like 6 ft and only 130 pounds.Iono where i got such bad views of myself but it always seems like they look at me weird like imma a moron when im with my friends and they r talking with them.Maybe its just some weird vibe that i give off but ive always heard many hints of people saying i was ugly but maybe ive made these assumptions over the course of my life.Maybe i just give off a bad vibe can that be it?So does your own insecurities effect the way people think about you like giving off bad vibes like i said before.Like ive talked to some girls before but after awhile they dont say much back and look at me in the odd weird like "why u looking at me" look.

[Shinobie]

O yah and thanks for your posts suzy because it actually makes me kind of happy and makes me glad i went to this site yah and maybe from all this stuff making me think more about what im actually doin and this stuff giving me a better perception on life.Maybe i can get the confidence to talk to this girl i have liked for awhile because i am running out of time since its almost the end of the school year.I feel like i am ok looking to this girl and i think she has looked over where i have been sitting a lot somedays but iono maybe its just me but i think she was.But yea u guyys have helped a lot and lets just hope i get the strength too actually walk up and talk to her but i get nervous even looking at her but ill try.O yah and about the pic,i am not anywhere near the type of person that would put hat over the internet just something i am insecure about =/.

[Shinobie]

One more thing sorry bout all the replies but i just read in anothe post maybe thats a problem but its about shyness.I could of sworn i saw that girl looking at me a lot somedays and maybe even smiling but i never got the nerve too look back and maybe try and smile.Thats maybe another problem beause that might lead to her having the assumption that im not interested but thats just me.

[PuzzlingItOut]

It's amazing to hear men speak this way. You would be surprised how many women think about just about every man they see. We generally only actually focus on half of the people we say anyway - so that 50% percent that we see, well - you are being checked out.

 

Here's some advice. Look at women as though they are on television. In other words, pretend that they can't see you looking at them. Just tune them out completely - and look. If a woman knows that a man sees her - she'll help things along. It's not that hard. The same goes for women. Actually looking at a man can get you pretty darn far.

 

So please try that - and if you are concerned about how you look - well, Suzy was right. Sure, when I was young and stupid - pretty boys looked great. But now that I am a woman - I am far more attracted to and aroused by ORDINARY men. As an ordinary woman, I feel far more confident with ordinary men. I feel flirtier, sexier, HAPPIER and I do TRUST them more.

 

Good luck, guys. Please come out of your shells!