Caught in two minds!

[densil]

Hello,

 

I broke up with my gf of two years about 6 weeks ago and I have been doing No Contact for the last 3 weeks. Our relationship was quite intense and in the main very happy and I know that I meant far more to her than any of her previous bfs. She rightfully broke it off because we have recently (since Christmas) had quite a miserable, routine and generally unhealithy relationship. I can fully understand why she finished it and in a strange way I am thankful that she did it!

 

During that period I was quite down about other things including university which I absolutely hated. These "things" led to me being miserable and quite possessive and needy. Indeed, I think I came to rely on her for emotional support and I came to rely on her. Unfortunately she is a very independent person hence my dependence caused great tension etc. between us. Since being dumped I have had no choice but to stand on my own two feet, which I have done and now I fee like a proper strong character again - "back to myself". University finishes in a week and today I learnt that she is going on holiday with her (male) housemates for a week and then returning to her parents' home. Their house is over a hundred miles from my house so I have no chance of "running in to her".

 

I have been successfully carrying out NC and I am quite proud myself, and I'm guessing that it is only a good think if she felt that I was smothering and possessive. But it feels like that I have run out of time. I mean, she is not going to get an opportunity to see the new (or original!) me. Do you think I should continue NC forever? Or should I give her a ring over the summer. Any other ideas are most welcome!!!

 

Many thanks!

 

Steve

 

PS. She is very very stubborn and I'm worried that without a certain amount of "prompting" she won't return to me since she has made her decision.

[melrich]

From what you say I think "prompting" is the last thing you should be doing. If I were you I would leave things as they are. You are probably over the worst part of your break up and you sound as though you are handling things reasonably well. You should continue to try to get over her and leave things to fate. If there is a chance for you to get back together I think the best response would be to let her make the first move even though there is a chance she may never make it.

[1st timer]

What constitutes "the first move?" My ex has been calling to tell me she misses me. Is this the first move. How do I respond to it?

 

Today we made plans to get together in 2 weeks. Was this too forward?

 

We talked about meeting today but our schedules did not match. She is leaving for about 10 days for work and will be back on Friday the 11th.

 

After not being able to get together before she left, she suggested we meet on the day she returns. I am not able to make it, so we chose to meet the day after. Is this a good sign?

[vitalcoaching]

Congratulations Steve.

 

I must say that you really understood the cause of the break up and what you could do about it.

 

Seems like you gained back your strength and confidence and you are now in a very clear space.

 

When a guy says he changed, most women would need serious proof that it's the case (unless they are dying to get back together).

 

You say: "look: it's a new me!", "I really did change..."

 

The question is: "what patterns come out when you think about her or want to spend time with her?"

 

What I see is still you wanting to spend time with her and her not being fully open to respond. In a way the dynamism is fundamentally the same even if your emotinal need really dropped and you feel now much more confident.

 

In my opinion, that's what she will feel. There is no proof that when you get eventually back together, the same patterns won't come again to the surface.

 

The solution?

 

Not sure what the aggreement is... Did you plan on just taking a break or really splitting?

 

If you agreed on a real break up with no plans of getting back together, if I was you, I would invest in other contacts and gain back your full power and confidence by dating other girls.

 

She seems to go on with her life pretty freely. If you don't, you'll sound like you are still waiting for her (That's what she will feel...)

 

If you want to contact her, I would say a simple postcard with a one line message. Something light and funny. No question. No proposition. No demand. Let her take next step if she wants to and don't expect anything in return. If she does not respond, do it again in a month or so (messaging, a short call, etc.). She needs to feel your power and confidence.

 

She might not answer? Fine. Move on and focus on those who will. If you have the choice, you are free. Don't rely on her. Take your next step and gain back your full freedom. That's where it looks she is going herself.

 

Hope this makes sense

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach