how do you give up on a soulmate?

[americanhoney]

well, apparently HE doesn't think we are soulmates, lol - not funny. I fell in love with one of my best friends, and messed everything up. I was careful not to show it, maybe too careful. I don't know what he thinks, because he has ignored me for two years. And yet I can't help it, every few months I send him a friendly little hello, still hoping for at least our friendship again. I know, what is wrong with me? He has IGNORED me for two years. This is not good. There is a man who has been asking me out for a year and I haven't gone out with him, because I only want to be with "soulmate." My heart is just sick. I need some kind of fire ritual, indian dance... any suggestions?

[DanDee]

well, apparently HE doesn't think we are soulmates, lol - not funny. I fell in love with one of my best friends, and messed everything up. I was careful not to show it, maybe too careful. I don't know what he thinks, because he has ignored me for two years. And yet I can't help it, every few months I send him a friendly little hello, still hoping for at least our friendship again. I know, what is wrong with me? He has IGNORED me for two years. This is not good. There is a man who has been asking me out for a year and I haven't gone out with him, because I only want to be with "soulmate." My heart is just sick. I need some kind of fire ritual, indian dance... any suggestions?

 

Perhaps take him off that pedastal? Your 'soulmate' wouldn't do this.

[jul-els]

Perhaps take him off that pedastal? Your 'soulmate' wouldn't do this.

 

This plus get rid of the idea of soulmates in general. If you're lucky, you get a mate. If you're even more lucky, you'll get one you're compatible with. But that's about as far as it goes. There are no soulmates. You're fantaszing about an ideal that doesn't exist. It's keeping you away from all of the other possibilities surrounding you everyday. If you keep on the way you've been, all those opportunities are going to pass you by. Give yourself a chance to discover some of them.

[HouseKitten]

Perhaps take him off that pedastal? Your 'soulmate' wouldn't do this.

 

Exactly what I was going to say.

 

If soulmates exist, which to a degree I believe they can, they are not people who don't want to be with you and ignore you. They are people who want to be with you, love you and spend their life with you.

 

Give up on this guy. He is not a soulmate if he'd ignore any contact you try to make, no matter what excuses for him you can come up with. Move on and start looking elsewhere for a relationship, because he's never going to give you what you want.

[americanhoney]

I could list his faults, but it doesn't matter to my heart. What would help, in a bad/good way, is if he would actually tell me he doesn't like me even as a friend (although we were close for years), feels nothing for me. Then maybe I could move on. How crazy would it be to physically confront him, just for the sake of closure? Why do I have to be endlessly in love with weinie man? The more I argue against him in my mind, the more my soul wants him anyway. Maybe I should try reverse psychology on myself.

[HouseKitten]

Why on earth do you need him to physically say it? You don't think the fact that he never replies to your contact and is actively ignoring you might tell you something?

 

It's not a nice fact but no, he does not value you as a friend, let alone anything more. Confronting him in person will probably do little more than upset both of you - you're counting on him saying exactly what you want, either that he actually he does care, or the words that would stop you 'loving' him. Chances are he will either try not to say anything - people don't like to outright reject people face-to-face unless they're really pushed into being cruel, or he'll make something up. Then he'll go back to ignoring you, and you'll interpret his lack of ability to simply straight out say he doesn't give a damn as 'hope', when actually it just means he's got enough conscience to not want to be cruel to another human being.

 

Go out with other guys. Date. Meet new people. Once you actually have a relationship with someone who isn't mostly living in your hopes and dreams, your infatuation for this guy will start to fade.

[americanhoney]

Maybe I should try reverse psychology on myself.

I am joking, sort of. I don't have to use the word soulmate, but that describes the comfort level I felt with him, and the depth of intimacy I have desired with him, to lie soul to soul. It is the most love I have ever felt for/with a man, although I have had wonderful loving relationships with several others.

 

All of my friends say what you say, and I see myself that I am being irrational. So what I am trying to do is get him out of my system now. What do crack addicts do?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Because any guy worth your time and effort would believe you're worth time and effort.

[americanhoney]

Thank you, HouseKitten - I was typing when you replied. Actually imagining a confrontation... yes, that's how it would be, do not need that. I guess I'm afraid of developing a relationship with this new man, and not being happy, settling.

[americanhoney]

Thank you, DanDee, Jul-els, and Cognitive_Canine, too. I am listening.

[jul-els]

What do crack addicts do?

 

Kick. Cold turkey.

[Speranza]

Thank you, HouseKitten - I was typing when you replied. Actually imagining a confrontation... yes, that's how it would be, do not need that. I guess I'm afraid of developing a relationship with this new man, and not being happy, settling.

 

So how exactly would waiting around for someone who ignores you NOT be settling........??????

[americanhoney]

lol, Speranza, true that.

[lavenderdove]

OK, first you do have to give up the idea of soulmates and stop framing him that way in your mind. You have to look at this more practically, as in for example you see your perfect dream house. But it costs $3 million, which you obviously can't afford and never will be able to afford unless you win a really big lottery.

 

So what you do is look at it wistfully, but you don't spend 2 years obsessing about that house and how you HAVE to have it or no house at all. But that is what you are doing, because deep down you are still telling yourself you have a chance with this guy IF ONLY the right thing happens, you confront him, etc. etc.

 

But i can pretty well assure you that someone who has completely ignored you and avoided you for two full years wants nothing to do with you, let alone to be your soulmate. He's done! So you can't 'purchase' him even if you had that $3 million, becuase he doesn't want to sell to you.

 

So really, you are being very much like a child who wants her blankie, and only her special blankie, and no other blankie in the world, even though she's cold, lonely, shivering etc. You have to realize at this point this is an obsession that has nothing to do with soulmates and love, but with you stubbornly wanting what you want, even if he doesn't want it, and he's not available etc.

 

So you need to see that this problem is within yourself, you've manufactured it, by refusing to accept the reality that this man doesn't want you. You can want him all you want, but he has to want you back.

 

So you have the practical problem of recognizing that at this point you are just harming yourself, and need to get this man out of your head, since he is already out of your life. You probably spend a ton of time thinking about him, which keeps you emotionally attached, as if he were real, but he's long gone.

 

So google 'thought stopping' a very useful technique to wean yourself off thinking about him. Once you stop letting yourself think about him all the time, he will eventually recede emotionally into the past, where he belongs. He seems alive to you, but he's long gone, and you need to align your thinking with the reality of the situation, and quit thinking about him. Once you do that, your emotions will follow, and you'll break the obsession.

 

If you can't do it on your own, then i think after 2 years it might be time to see a counselor to help you let go.