tamachan09 Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 I was 'hanging out' with this guy for almost a year now. I met him soon after my separation. I had been married for almost 10 yrs. My ex and I had a marriage that we were like roommates. This guy was charming... Handsome... Firefighter/paramedic.... Very touchy and physical... Right from the first meeting. Things got hot and heavy really fast.... Yes the typical route. I developed feelings but he was clear he only wanted me as a friend with benefits. Well he didn't say that nor admitted that is what we were. He cared about me a lot but was worried that I was so emotional being that we wouldn't work out. But for whatever typical reason we kept it going with this casual thing... I struggled a lot, but I kept telling myself to have fun and maybe I can get go through this casual thing. But soon after I started sleeping with him, I felt like a wh***... It was great because my ex and I were sexless for years.... But he is the kind that would clean himself right after the act and go wash the sheets right after.... No staying over. No walking me out. I just left as he was falling asleep... I didn't want to feel like a wh*** anymore. And he calls our sex 'class'..... Like sex was a dirty thing? He is the teacher and I am the student..... He would grade me each time..... And when I would say that I feel like one to him when I get emotional but I was the irrational unreasonable one to think so. I kept going back to him after we would have this 'break up' like thing. I don't know why... because he was charming? I say like thing because we were not in a dating relationship. Yet we were fighting like a couple, lol... Anyway, I started to go on dates with other men. Nothing came out of that because I wasn't really ready for that. I am still fresh out of divorce. Then he got really hurt that I was dating... I thought we were clear that our relationship was nothing but casual. Yet he got hurt? I was so confused.... I knew the end was coming hindsight. My therapist and all my friends warned me about this, and everyone kept saying to stay away from him. They were right..... But I still had to make the mistake. I became the psycho bit** that he called me.... I did the email thing, text thing, contacting his girlfriend thing.... And all it made me was I feel so horrible............. I was acting all out of my pride and ego because I was hurt....................... How do I get back up? Can I get back up? Lesson learned, I know. But it still feels horrible to realize that I can go really low and be so crazy......... Link to comment
Lecturer Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 Just move on and try not to look back. It really sounds like he was the crazy one.. playing mind games. And seriously.. who treats their partner (even a casual one) with such disregard! Doesn't sound like a very good lover... but I suppose maybe he was better than your ex. We can all start acting a little crazy when conditions lead to it... you were emotionally hungry and he was playing games, so I can understand. I don't think you have anything to really feel bad about, assuming you haven't caused any long term damage to him. Link to comment
tamachan09 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 I am not trying to get him back.... I never had anything with him.... Where did you get that impression? I said, can I get back up from being so low... Link to comment
orchidrose Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 This is such a common type of thread on these boards, and every one of them makes me feel bad for the people (mostly women) involved. The lesson here is that when someone tells you they're not interested in a relationship, they're not interested in a relationship. There's no "well, but he seems to really like me," or "but we fight like a couple" or "but he's just hurt and he'll change his mind." When someone says that, they mean it. As Lecturer said, we all make mistakes in terms of the types of relationships we choose and the actions that follow. It's tough not to go a little crazy when you're emotionally invested in someone who isn't emotionally invested in you. Don't beat yourself up over it. Link to comment
tamachan09 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 The lesson here is that when someone tells you they're not interested in a relationship, they're not interested in a relationship. Yes. I know I have read these topics throughout the time I was with this guy. I knew in my head and this was not going to be right. Human emotions are so unpredictable.... I read books, talked to girlfriends and I still had to make the mistake.... My friend said that this is part of the journey. I guess me posting is part of the process to get over this. I know it isn't the same as talking to a therapist nor girlfriend. But there must be a reason this forum exists and people post here. People don't change. I don't change that easily. But I have to to change my future. I don't want to keep beating myself up neither.... Link to comment
orchidrose Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 My friend said that this is part of the journey. I guess me posting is part of the process to get over this. I know it isn't the same as talking to a therapist nor girlfriend. But there must be a reason this forum exists and people post here. People don't change. I don't change that easily. But I have to to change my future. I don't want to keep beating myself up neither.... It absolutely is a part of your journey. Honestly, I've come to believe that every woman should go through a situation similar to yours. The FWB thing is so difficult to navigate if you're a woman who, like many, ties emotions to sex. It's so tough not to develop romantic feelings for the person you're sleeping with. But I think it does teach you a lot of good things: that sometimes a person's words are more reliable than their actions; whether or not you're able to have sex without developing an emotional attachment; that there are men out there who will use you for sex, but there are many others who will not. You'll be fine. It was a learning experience, and now it's time to move on. Link to comment
tamachan09 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 Thanks aneffigy123.... I have good things going on in my life like family, good true friends, and good job and career. I don't want to ruin the good things in my life by getting crazier. Maybe that is why I am posting here to have people stop me.... Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 Yes, you can get back up again. Start by not rushing into a relationship, get to know them, which takes time. If it feels like you're not a good match, walk away before allowing yourself to be disrespected, and don't sleep with them until you're in an exclusive, and committed relationship. Keep telling yourself that you deserve to be respected, and in a healthy relationship. Hope you feel better. Link to comment
tamachan09 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 Thank you. I will get better. I believe that I will feel better. It may take time, but I believe I will. Because I know there are people who went through it and survived through it. Link to comment
tamachan09 Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Ugh it has been hard not getting angry at myself these last few days.... I am upset, feel stupid and pathetic.... 'I deserve to be respected....' Right? How come I don't believe that? Just ranting.... Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Ugh it has been hard not getting angry at myself these last few days.... I am upset, feel stupid and pathetic.... 'I deserve to be respected....' Right? How come I don't believe that? Just ranting.... He has defiled you. I think he would be happy to know he did a good job. He is perverted. You will get over this in time. It will take months, and maybe even a year to get strong, but it will happen. Link to comment
tamachan09 Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 I also can't completely feel bad about him... I want to be angry at him... I know it takes two, so I am not denying any responsibility to what I got myself into. I don't want to victimize myself. Although, there was a girl before his ex-gf (single mom) that was like me. He said his friends warned him about me. He started dating his gf now (another single mom) while he was in this casual relationship with me... so maybe this is a pattern on him? Who cares right? I don't need to worry and care about things like that. My therapist said he has a narcissistic trait. That I did nothing wrong. But therapist say that to make you feel better? Why can't I believe I am ok? I am just at lost to feel this intense with a relationship that wasn't a real relationship... What is wrong with me... I want to forget and move on.... I must have low self-esteem.... I want to just snap out of it and live in the moment like Caesar says in Dog Whispherer! ...lol Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 Check out this site... I am betting he may be on there... link removed And you aren't the psycho one. Women only go "crazy" because of a partner treating them so all over the place they don't know if they are coming or going... Find the strength, talk to everyone he knows, especially other women. Arm yourself with knowledge. It REALLY REALLY REALLY HELPS! Link to comment
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