My husband still has no interest in SEX! HELP!

[laurag78]

This is my second post on the subject, but i haven't been able to understand why my husband has NO interest in SEX! Let me explain

I have been married for 3 years now and my husband has no interest in sex. He is otherwise very affectionate and loves to cuddle. After the first couple of months that we were together sex became more and more less frequent, i was pregnant and he blamed it on that, then other problems we were having, so i tried to be understanding and dealt with it. However things now seem to be getting better for us financially and less stressfull and im obviously not pregnant anymore. It seems that i always have to initiate sex and most of the time i get "i'm tired" "in the morning". "Do u think i feel sexy in the morning with my bed head and morning breath" not really. When he does give in it feels like he's only doing it so that i won't be angry, what i call "pitty sex", which i don't enjoy. Just last night he initiated sex (it's been a week 1/2 since the last time). I started by going down on him and he wouldn't get an erection, i got so upset that i started to cry, and he said that he had no idea what was wrong with him. I asked him what was the matter, why he didn't want me. He said that he did want me and that he didn't know what was wrong that he love me so much and that he wanted to try sex again, hesitatently i said yes and he had no problem getting an erection this time. So, what the hell was wrong the first time????? You have no idea what this has done to my once high self esteem. It's to the floor. What is going on? We have a really good relationship minus the sex. What do you guys think can be the problem. I am willing to do anything to get that passion we once had back. I've tried watching dirty movies with him, no change, ive tried initiating outside of the usual bedroom, rejected. What else can i do? Please help i'm stuck!

[nenez]

Dear laurag

I feel so sorry you have this problem. I have had two relationships in the past where there was little or no sex. Fisrt was my first husband who found more and more reasons not to. In the end he felt so pressured by me to have sex that it went completely out of the window.

Second was a five year relatuonship that started with sex every day, then we had two weeks off because he had the flu and it never rekindled no matter what I tried.

However since then I have learned more about it.

I went wrong both times for two main reasons

1. seeing sex as a love reinforcer which it is not. Because he does not want sex does not mean he does not want you. he loves you and wants to be with you. he has said so and he is still there.

2. Trying too hard on your part will make him feel pressured and he will be able to perform less and less.

the problem was always worse when i felt most low because of my needs and their inability to satisfy them. However there are several slutions.

Firstly your husband may have gone off sex because of the subconscious mother realtionship. Men can become affected by this when you have a child because you have become a mother and mothers are not objects for sex in the subconscious ie their own mother. he will of course have no conscious knowledge of this and may be as confused about his lack of libido as you are.

Also it may be due to a lowered libido. He may have always had this but because of the break in your sex life caused by pregnanacy and childbirth he may have reverted to a lower level of need.

You can do something about this. Firstly make time to be his woman rather than his wife or mother. (I know you are not his mother but you inhabit a mother role in the house and maybe in his head) Wear clothes that you know he finds attractive, wear perfume and generally be sensual. Do not however try to have sex with him. Let him make the moves. Be as sexy as possible without making any overt advances beyond kissing or massage or general sexy stuff like ear bititng... you know the stuff..

As soon as he makes a move, and dont expect miracles, withdraw very very slightly, be a little teasing and then when he advances again give in.

No matter what the result, do not stop this approach. he will gradually improve.

I cannot stress enough that you must not make the first move.

By the way, once every fortnight is not a total disaster, i was down to once every six months, and then I had to pretend to be asleep!!

Let me know how you get on. There are more things you can do if this is not achieving the desired results.

Lots of luck with this

love nenez xx

PS Its NOT YOU> dont lose faith in yourself. You are a woman, you have the power. xx

[BobBurton]

Hi there laurag78,

 

It's funny, but my wife left me about 2 years ago because our sex life wasn't good. I turned her down a lot and it upset her, just like you right now. So I guess she cracked. She met someone else and we divorced.

 

Obviously, not all situations are the same but still quite similar. We've had what you call a "child/parent relationship". I felt like I was her child sometimes. She had a very dominating character and was "head-strong". Of course, I don't want to say anything bad about her, she was who she was and we were really in love, meaning that emotionally we connected strongly but sex was just bad. Actually not bad but was coming rarely. A bit like you I presume.

 

I say this to you: Try flirting with other men and make sure he knows! You guys go out to a bar or bistro and make him jealous a bit! Play around, you know, subtly for fun. Basically, try to get a reaction out of him! Shake 'em up! Maybe he's taking you for granted. That often happens with men. Believe me, I'm a man and was a married for 8 years!

 

I can tell you this, it truly works and you could get your man back in a spark! Of course, if he doesn't get jealous then start worrying! For a man, sex is far away from heart (feelings) but it is a vital factor in the relationship. Oddly, we think the relationship is fine because the wife looks happy with the children and when she watches Titanic.

 

You guys have to shake it up!!! ;-)

You guys go out to a bar with friends and all. Put on your best mini-skirt and get a reaction from your man!! ;-)

[woopsydaisy]

its not your fault your doing nothing wrong what so ever..and i know its bound to affect your self esteem.But from reading your post it doesnt seem like he has any less love for you..as you said hes affectionate and caring which is nice.Its pretty uncommon for a man to be like this a times without trying to get that little bit extra out of their woman (sex).I think what everyone has wrote is really helpfull.Is your husband suffering from depression?...i know you mentioned stress was a factor before but sometimes depression can have a huge affect on sex drive..also it might be just the case that your not spending enougth quality time out of the bedroom together..i dont know this for a fact but sometimes when couples hit the beddroom and they havent had time to wind down together at night and be close..sex is sometimes hard to initiate.You could try massages but you have probally tried this already..this could help him wind down as well.Good luck...but dont punish him please for this he seems a very loving husband apart from sex.

[laurag78]

Thanks all, for your advice.

 

Nenez,

I will try that approach, lets see how that goes. I'd do anything to make this right. Great advice. Thanks

 

BobBurton,

I couldn't flirt with anyone else, to me that would be wrong and disrespectful, however i could try wearing clothes that will maybe make him notice me more. Thanks for the advice.

 

WoopsyDaisy,

I don't think that he is suffering from depression and we spend alot of time together. When we are not at work, we are together.

Thanks for your reply.

 

Another thing i forgot to add on the post is that we were apart (physically not emotionally) 2years. right after the baby was born. Legal issues. So imagine i would think that after 2 years of no intimate relations, that he would want to be intimate.