HELP!! My ex is calling and I am trying to move on.

[AB38]

Ok, I am 1 month out of a relationship and I am now seeing someone else. The problem is, my ex keeps calling me. We both know that we are not right for each other. Today, I called her and told her that I am seeing someone else, and that I see potential in my new mate.

 

I think this hurt her, obviously. I had to do it in order to move on and focus my energy on the current girl. I do not want to hurt my ex, as I still care for her, but only as a friend. My friends keep telling me that I am no longer responsible for her feelings and that I should only do what is right for me. Is that right? I just don't like to see people hurt. Anybody in a similar situation?

[goodquestion]

you broke up right? both decided you weren't right for each other, right? Well, all's fair in love and war ... in my opinion it is almost impossible to "remain friends" with an ex, cut her loose, don't return her calls, and if she calls, tell her not to call again (at least for something like 6 months) ... you can't give your emotional energy to two ladies ...

 

l8r

[lnxfrkk]

Hi AB38,

 

Your friends are right.You are responsible for you own feelings and that your you and your ex need to move on.She needs to understand that that NC needs to be on play right now because if she cared for you as a friend or she respected your life, she would let go and let you be happy with what you have now.Relationships are not always perfect.there will be a time, which she needs to understand,that if you both were made for each other, only the future will tell,but for now,she needs to initiate "NO CONTACT".It's not fair to the person your seeing right now.Have a talk with her and explain that she needs to lay off from calling you and let you live your life now.

 

Hope everything works out.Keep me up-to-date.

[AB38]

Thanks for the quick replies. That's funny how you put "spending the emotional energy on 2 ladies". The new girl actually told me that I shouldn't be doing that. And I agree she needs to initiate NC. I think in time, we can be great friends, but for now, she needs to heal.

 

You see, if you read my earlier posts, she is 15 years younger than me. She knows that we would never work out in the long run, I think she is just having a tough time letting go. She is very co-dependent and she needs to learn a little independence.

 

Thank god, the new girl is being very understanding. For my own sake, I will bite my tongue when ever the subject of the ex comes up. Thanks again.

[TrueHeart]

Andy Andy Andy--

 

Boy if I didn't see this one coming. I can honestly say that NOW your X finally sees what she was missing. You're right in saying she needs more space and to definitely learn independance. In telling her that you were in a relationship and telling her that you see potential in your new gal, did hurt-- but you know what, it was honest... and shows that you aren't trying to lead her on. The truth hurts.. She wanted to let you go, hon... Remember that. Your age gap has a lot to do with that. Thank goodness your new gal is being very patient. The best thing to do to maintain that is be honest with BOTH women. You're right, devoting your emotional energy to 2 women is completely draining, and unfair to your new gal. You want to impose that you've decided to move on, and you feel its best for the both of you.

 

Tell your X that you still want to be just friends, but nothing more. You don't want to confuse her, even though having a friends-only relationship now will most likely do that because you both have lingering feelings. Those do need to subside and be filed away ASAP. If she won't stop calling you, I would perhaps arrange to talk to her in a public place, perhaps a park or something. Tell her that it would be unfair of you to want to take her down a road that will not turn out for the long run.. Let her know that you CARE for her (DO NOT use 'LOVE' as she will absolutely miscontrue the meaning of that) Let her know you will be there for her, but only as a friend. This you need to be firm on. It will hurt her, but that is inevitable-- no matter what you say, honestly.

 

You need to tell her what she NEEDS TO KNOW, not what she WANTS TO HEAR. Just keep that in mind, and you'll find that the words you need to say will be easier on you and her. Avoid using the word 'love'- use 'care for' and 'respect her feelings'-- even IF you truly do love her deep down, you don't want to tell her that--- thats leading her to believe there is hope... if you truly want to end it, you need to keep your ultimate objective in mind.....

 

Unfortunately, my friend, there is NOTHING you can say that will make it easier or less painful than the truth. In time, she will learn to accept and embrace her independance-- and for that, she will be a much better friend in the long run....

[fluff]

Hi there,

 

I am sort of a similar position but on the other end. Im the new girlfriend of 1 1/2 years and she still wont stop. It has caused so many problems of mistrust and insecurities for me. I know my boyfriend does loves me and not her but it makes me crazy, and put a huge weight on me.

 

I think for you, you guys really need some time to heal first, she probably is weaning off you and its a tough time for her.

 

Just make sure for your new girlfriend if you really care about her, that you protect her from this sort of behavior and put a stop to it early enough in the piece

 

All the best