Their previous relationships

[Keraron]

I have a problem: My thoughts are filled with the previous relationships a girl I like or am dating had.

 

One reason is most girls I have dated are women whom I have known also before they were single, so I easily associate them with their boyfriends or lovers - whom I may also know personally. I might have even seen them kissing (either in real life or on pictures they put on the internet).

 

I know these are quite irrational insecurities, and everyone has ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends, but the problem is that whenever I'm in a support-seeking mood the images of their exes or lovers appear in my mind, as if they were saying belongs to him. She might be more in love with him. etc."

 

Those thoughts make it difficult for me to distinguish a girl's feelings towads me specifically. And to build trust, especially at a stage when we are not yet committed but just going out together.

 

I feel that I often project these insecurities onto the girl. For example, when they pay me a compliment I spontaneously think, "Oh, but she surely told it to that guy as well - and they broke up. How do I know whether she truly means it this time? Will I end up just like him?"

 

All these thoughts make it difficult for me to interact positively - and even if I am able to switch them off for a while, they often return also during later stages of the relationship

 

 

 

EDIT: Apart from this, now that I think of it, I sometimes also feel a bit of guilt towards the exes and lovers. So, we have two problems

 

All in all, I feel that I insert myself into the context of their previous relationships and try to compare my one with them.

[Jess...]

I'm not sure I can give you any advice, or even be of any actual help to you, but I just wanted to let you know that I sometimes think about my BF's previous relationships too. Well, relationship. His ex cheated on him and hurt him real bad, took him a while to recover and he is scared of getting that hurt again. Which is all very understandable.

 

We have been together for about 4.5 months, and they were together for almost 2 years, so I often find myself thinking "I wonder if *his ex* did this" or "I wonder if she did that" and "I wonder what he thinks about me, in comparison to her". Just little things like that, but I can't help but think about it. Or I think about things I would never do, and I can't help but think "But I wonder if *his ex* would?". I can't help comparing myself to her, even though I don't know her, or anything about her...

[Keraron]

Yes Jess, this is exactly how I feel. Add to this the fact that I KNOW their ex, and we might not even be in a relationship yet, but just dating.

 

I think it contributes a lot to the quality of the dates.

[Jess...]

Mmm it is frustrating isn't it? When you can't help yourself? I have met his ex and talked to her before, but only as a client - and at the time I didn't really 100% know she was his ex. And I'm not sure if she knew I was his new girl or not. But yeah, even though I know he thinks very little of her, I can't help but think to myself "I wonder if I'm doing this better than her" you know? Like the relationship. He has said what we have is a lot better and stronger than what they had, but I still wonder if there are things that I'm doing, like things that annoy him that she never did, or things that she did too, you know what I mean? Like the way I kiss him, or hug him, I sometimes think "I wonder if she did it this way" or "how did she act around him" and all that sort of stuff. It's frustrating, but everyone has a past. You just have to accept it. It's super frustrating for me, because my ex didn't really have a past - I was his first serious relationship (and him mine) so there was none of this wondering that I've got going on now. My current BF is 3 years older than me though, so there's a fair bit of past there, whereas I only have the one ex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

While you may be wondering about your curren bf's ex's, perhaps he is wondering about your ex. Remember that you too have an ex you kissed, hugged, had sex with, did special things with. Maybe you have told your bf "I love you" in the same way you told your ex you loved him. Maybe your current bf doesn't do things your ex did. You have a past too...it doesn't matter that your past was one and his past was more than one....you still did the same things with you ex as you are doing now with your current guy...and some things are different. He can feel just as insecure about your past as you feel about his.

[Jess...]

While you may be wondering about your curren bf's ex's, perhaps he is wondering about your ex. Remember that you too have an ex you kissed, hugged, had sex with, did special things with. Maybe you have told your bf "I love you" in the same way you told your ex you loved him. Maybe your current bf doesn't do things your ex did. You have a past too...it doesn't matter that your past was one and his past was more than one....you still did the same things with you ex as you are doing now with your current guy...and some things are different. He can feel just as insecure about your past as you feel about his.

 

Yeah, I know, and I actually often wonder about that too - if he thinks about my ex. You're exactly right, I do a lot of the same things with my current bf that I did with my ex, in exactly the same way. He doesn't do things my ex did, but he also does things my ex didn't. And then he also does things that my ex did.