Every time i get really down and miss my ex and want to call her I-

[Blackey]

Remember that looking desperate is the biggest turn off.

Nobody wants a desperate clingy person who is also needy. In addition i picture myself doing the begging part, trying to convince her just to talk to me, being all powerless and giving her the power to control me and to abuse this power.

It just seems so embarrassing, putting myself down for nothing, because i know that none of it will help, so why would i do it?

And then after thinking about it, im thinking to myself "why the hell would i call, thats embarrassing even to think about it"

In a way that is what kept me on going with NC for already 3 months.

Guys, please every time you think of contacting your ex, just think about it this way and reconsider. There is absolutely no point of calling them because you'll get nothing but pain out of it.

what do you guys think? what keeps you from breaking the NC?

[Kashmir4321]

What keeps me from breaking it is truly knowing that it would do me no good. I know I'm not going to hear what I want to hear, there's no point in putting myself through that. If you're at the point where nothing you can say will fix things, its best to say nothing.

[MACaddict]

You are right. All that is way embarrassing and it does not help, but for some reason for a split second feels good and makes so much sense to think a small hello will not ruin things...

 

Now my question is...what if they think we moved on through NC??!! I for one I don't want my know to think I moved on cause I am still keeping my fingers crossed that things will happen again ( hope), yet NC does so much good for one who is trying to work on self and don't want to break that either.. What then??!

[star111]

I always understood the concept...and knew I wouldn't get back what I was looking for. But on the same note, knew that at times he would respond- which would feed half of my need..I would see him and the sick cycle would continue. After the longest of NC now and for good....I see now the contacting really had nothing to do with him at all. It was my need-something missing in my life...times I was down or lonely. so I went to what was comfortable and familiar, even if bad. instead of reaching out to the new and unknown. I see that now...even though I still miss him. I know the value in moving on forever. and not having the 'delusion' of getting back together. I see that finally...after 2 years of back and forth. It's hard enough for one person to change- but for both people to change....I feel is nearly impossible.

Sorry for rambling....I guess my point is....even if we know the pain it will bring, sometimes that familiar feeling of pain brings comfort in the moment. It takes getting past that and truly letting go- forever. which is a scary thought to most.

time really does heal....and when you feel like it's been long enough and you should be over it- keep going. I promise.......the itch to contact fades and fades.

[mgirl]

The only reason i want to contact my ex is to have a go at her, out of anger... So it is fruitless. When i have given into this desire (way too many times), it has made me feel momentarily good, and then i feel more stripped and vulnerable than ever. Afterall, i have just revealed another part of myself haven't i? And all she's done is sit back and take it.

 

So, contact has really only succeeded in bringing me even more undone.

 

So, what stops me now is self-respect. I know i need to get on with my life \\

[Leighton]

I don't even think of contacting my ex anymore. There is no point, I don't even want to see him again.

[Psychomagnet]

If I was the one who used her and tossed her away...then and only then would I ponder the "Do I break NC" question. I don't even think about contacting her.

 

It does take time to lose the urge to continue the contact that became so everyday with someone you cared about/loved (and depending on the circumstances of the break up) but by and large I have found it's mostly just a habit you learn in time to kick.

[easyguy]

I can't call my ex even if I wanted to because I deleted her number before I left her house the morning of our "talk". I de-friended on Facebook minutes after I got home. I deleted all but one photo of us from my computer and online. All that remains is her email (and Facebook, but really, just email).

 

I don't miss her as much as I did 3 weeks ago when we broke up. I go through waves when I miss the experience of being with someone, but it takes the form of her because it's all so vivid and fresh. And the fact that she was my first girlfriend. No one cheated on the other or anything like that, so it's probably most tempting when you part without those feelings of anger.

 

We exchanged a few emails in the 2 weeks following the break up. It wasn't painful for me at first, but then there was a gradual transfer of energy so to speak (how I look at it). When I was extremely hurt and sad (the first week post-break up), it didn't make a difference to me. It all felt the same. The first couple emails were comforting. Then, when I didn't talk to her for a few days, newer energy started to come into my life because I kept myself busy. Of course, I decided to send her an email asking her out for coffee, only to get the cold shoulder. All that new energy got sucked right out of me like a vacuum.

 

Since then, I learned that if I keep communicating with her right now, it's just going to drag me back down (and be a distraction for her, too), and the fruits of my efforts to keep this new energy going will greatly diminish again. The last email I sent her was the threshold for that mindset. It was the moment I realized that what first brought comfort was now bringing distressing, negative mind states and was only interfering with not just my ability to heal, but hers as well.

 

You just got to do what you can to take your mind off trying to talk to her when you miss her. I still miss her, but it hits me when I least expect it. I don't miss her to the point of wanting to communicate with her, because I have already learned from doing it before that it's not the best thing to do. I'm already doing well for myself, so it would be a shame to throw myself back to an earlier part of the path again.