Guys who don't marry their long term partners.. Why?

[babymichiru]

Why are guys with someone for 4 years and break up with that person because she wanted to get married and he didn't? I asked the guy I'm seeing why he let his ex walk away and he said he just didn't want to be pressured. He said he eventually wanted to get married (he is 30) but she couldn't wait (she waited for a year though). If I was the guy and I'm not ready to get married but my SO does, I think I will give in cause I wouldn't want them to walk away if I really cared about them.. right?

 

She was close to his family and he was close to his family. It's almost like a done deal to me.

 

I just don't get it.

[rosephase]

Some people really don't like being pressured. If someone wanted to pressure me into marriage I would take it as a sign that they thought that what I wanted didn't matter, that they could just bulldoze me whenever they wanted something badly enough. And that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. I don't take kindly to the "do this or I'll break up with you" way of thinking.

 

Now if my partner was willing to hear my side of things, willing to talk it out. Willing to give me things I was asking for (like time to think about it) then I would think about it harder. I want to give my partner things they want. But I don't want to set a president that I will do things that I don't believe in or don't want to do because I'm given an ultimatum.

[Blue Skittles]

I think there is a lot more to it than this. I think that maybe he knows deep down he does not want a marriage with that partner, but I think a lot of people stay in relationships because they are comfortable and it is hard to leave someone after you have been with them for 4 years. It doesn't mean that it is time to marry them though if you know deep down it is not going to work.

[Mimori]

I agree with Rosephase, people don’t like to be pressured and the whole attitude against “it’s my way or the highway” is pretty much how rejecting a marriage proposal goes. Everyone is “ready” and some never are, marriage is a much bigger commitment and even sometimes an obligation. I’ve know couples who’ve never “officially” been married because they were afraid the title alone would ruin what they had going, like the saying: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

 

I would never want someone to try and pressure me into such a commitment. Granted, I may care for them; if the feeling was mutual, time wouldn’t have a meaning. For example, I don’t mind waiting until my boyfriend and I are ready, I’d rather enjoy the fact that we don’t have to worry about sharing bills, and the struggles of marrying, I’d rather enjoy his company as of now and look forward to the unity in the future when we both have our feet more firmly on the ground.

 

A ring on the finger doesn’t decide if love is in the picture of not, for some it’s security and a symbolism of the unity in the relationship, for others it’s an unnecessary piece of jewelry, and of course there’s always more ways to view it as well (sorry a little tired… so trailing a bit)

 

But my point is, when you’re ready, you’re ready. Some are less patient then others and want the ring on their finger and to begin their own little family, others want to wait until they feel the time is right or finacices or whatever else going on has been settled (College finished, Stable Job, etc). By watching someone leave because they couldn’t wait till your ready is a hard thing to do, but it’s understanding to why it possible to watch someone you love leave.

 

Think about being married to someone who has to be granted their wishes immediately and not in the future. I imagine the arguments would be awfully frequent. I don’t imagine the ordeal was easy for him, but I can understand where he was coming from in the general scheme of things.

 

Hope this helped a little!

[babymichiru]

Some people really don't like being pressured. If someone wanted to pressure me into marriage I would take it as a sign that they thought that what I wanted didn't matter, that they could just bulldoze me whenever they wanted something badly enough. And that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. I don't take kindly to the "do this or I'll break up with you" way of thinking.

 

Now if my partner was willing to hear my side of things, willing to talk it out. Willing to give me things I was asking for (like time to think about it) then I would think about it harder. I want to give my partner things they want. But I don't want to set a president that I will do things that I don't believe in or don't want to do because I'm given an ultimatum.

 

I understand that no one likes being pressure and no one likes ultimatum.. but at the end of the day though, it's either he wants to marry her or not, right? This is losing someone you care about a lot. I mean, the choices are him marrying her or her leaving and he opted for the 2nd one, making her walk away. I asked him why he didn't tell her to wait since he's not ready yet and he said he couldn't ask her to wait anymore since she already waited a year.

[thejigsup]

Deciding whether you want to marry someone or not is not as cut and dried as that. There are so many things to consider. How you feel about them is only one of them. Two men have pressured me for marriage and while I loved them both, I left. NOBODY tells me what to do in that department! I'm sure many people feel as I do. No one likes to have the screws put to them. A year is no time at all! I don't even think about marriage until I have been with a guy about 3 years.

[babymichiru]

Deciding whether you want to marry someone or not is not as cut and dried as that. There are so many things to consider. How you feel about them is only one of them. Two men have pressured me for marriage and while I loved them both, I left. NOBODY tells me what to do in that department! I'm sure many people feel as I do. No one likes to have the screws put to them. A year is no time at all! I don't even think about marriage until I have been with a guy about 3 years.

 

Just to clarify... they were together for 4 years.

 

How is it that you didn't want to marry the men who wanted to marry you? What was missing?

[babymichiru]

Hi Mimori. Thanks for your reply. I understand all the things you said. I guess my reasoning or the way I am thinking is just so simple.. it's either he wanted her or not.. That's just the way I see it. From what I know, they had a healthy relationship and he is of that place where he is stable, finished his MBA and have a good job so the "not ready" excuse doesn't cut it for me... but like Blue skittles said, there is probably more to the story than that.

 

There's also that saying that guys are never ready for marriage until their girlfriends are. Haha. I also know of two people who had to talk to their partners about getting married otherwise these guys weren't making any moves yet. Their partners love them to death and of course had no problems marrying them.