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For a breath I tarry

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It has been two months since my wife of 20 years dumped me and went off with another man a week after and I have to say that getting through all the crap has been made SO much easier by all the great advice I've had here.


It's come to a bit of a crunch time now so I thought I would bring things up to date. I still have a huge amount of trouble dealing with that she can seem to totally forget our twenty years together. She came round to pick up her post last Tuesday and was totally cold and unfeeling. I didn't give her a hard time or mention the relationship, it was all about how I'd been getting the house ready to put on the market. The day after, she was jetting off with her new boyfriend to the south of France (she comes back tonight).


My sister in law has told me that my wife and her new boyfriend have invited my mother in law round for a meal next week so everything seems to be moving along there. By coincidence (it is a fairly remote area we live in), my sister in law knows one of the boyfriends neighbours and was told that this bloke goes through many girlfriends and that they tend to last about 5-6 months before he gets another one.


To be honest, this is probably more detail than I should know as there is nothing I can do. I know I can't say anything to her... it's her life and I seem to have no part in it whatsover but whereas she can seem to let go easily, I still have terrible trouble with it.


I know that recovery can come come in phases but this week has seen the rise of something I never expected. It sometimes feels like I hate her and that I find very disturbing. I can't deny that she has not treated me very well in this breakup and from various things she has done (covered in recent threads), it's probably not surprising the way that I feel but still... I thought I knew this woman so well but all she has done is so contrary to what I thought I knew about her.


If I have been so wrong, how on earth am I ever going to trust anyone else knowing that I can be so awry in my judgement? All I wanted was someone to love and someone to reciprocate... to be my best friend and share our lives together... now I can never do that because no matter how long I get to know someone, I will always feel that they could turn on me in an instant. I have no idea whether I will ever feel any different.


I will be leaving my home in a few weeks and moving somewhere to start again....away from her. I have no idea what the future will bring, no idea whether she will ever feel differently and I'm certainly not looking forward to spending the rest of my life alone.


Any comments anyone?... I think this is crisis no 5... I hope I'm not going to reach no 6

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Yeah, I got one. I think you're doing fine. Sounds like you're moving on and try starting a new life. Life brought you down to your knees and you're getting up again. That's great!!! Keep on fighting for your happiness! We're with you on this road.

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I feel for you Woodst0ck, I really do!


I'm a little confused though, why do you think you have been wrong? You may have had your trust betrayed but that doesn't mean you were wrong to not see that in the person you loved. How could you see something that was well concealed? As for trusting another, I suppose the trick is to accept the next love in your life (and there will be another!) for who and what they are and try not to paint them in the same colour as the one who broke your heart. If we went through life unable to give people or things another chance we would be very lonely beings on this planet as I believe it is only human nature to let others down.


In reference to your move, I moved out of my home two weeks ago. My ex decided he wanted to move back into the house we had shared and since he was clever enough to put everything in his name I had no option but to find an alternative place to live. I was totally despairing in the days leading up to moving, the thought of starting again, the bleak future that lay ahead, the loneliness.... I was in a very dark place. However, the day I moved out I almost felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I'm feeling so much better in every way and everyday I try and turn those negative thoughts into positive plans for my future, whatever I'm afraid of I will turn into part of the adventure of building a new me and life I choose to live.


Try not to give in to this crisis - stay hopeful and positive and never question your judgement - it was not you that was at fault after all!





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One foot in front of the other. Keep your head up. As for trusting again, it's going to take time to heal, but it will come. My best friend, whose wife cheated/divorced him, would never trust again. Guess what? He called me today that he had a date last night, got along great, and they exchanged kisses and numbers. So it's not unheard of.

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You have to remember you've been married for 20 years, so it will take a while to get over it. And you will go thru the stages of grief, which go something like shock, denial, bargaining, anger, then acceptance. So you are in the anger stage now.


That too will eventually pass, but you just need time.


There is a really good book called 'Uncoupling' that explains how people leave relationships.. they start by forming a support system or transferring their attention to a person or people outside the relationship which is what your wife did. So she i'm sure has mentally been discontent for a while, and decided at some point that rather then focusing on resolving her discontent and staying, she chose to start the process of uncoupling and move outside the relationship.


So there were very logical steps she took to uncouple from you, you just weren't aware of them because you were happy in the relationship and assumed everything was fine. But the signs are there, if you are looking for them, so in your next relationship if it starts in that direction you will be more aware.


I would suggest reading that book if you want to understand your wife's behavior. She is being cold to you because she has to harden her heart to accomplish the full separation from you. And she is in a haze of new love hormones, which do fade. If this guy has lots of 5-6 month girlfriends, then he's probably a hormone junky who thinks love is all about that new discovery rush, and once that's over he dumps and runs. Your wife might be quite surprised to discover the downside of someone like that.


Here's the book Uncoupling if you're interested:


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Thank you all for your replies. I seem to be wobbling between anger and acceptance today. Perhaps it's just a case of time. I just want to get rid of the dark emotions. Today, I had our house valued prior to putting it on the market. Last week, she was very keen to put it on the market asap... now she wants to delay it as she's not feeling well. Seems like another piece to a puzzle. Getting tired of this one, I think I really need to get out of here

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I'd just go ahead and put it on the market! She has to feel the consequences of her decisions, and you shouldn't wait around if she's the one cheating and running with another guy.


You will find your emotions really up and down and cycling thru the stages for a while. But once you are no longer in the house and have moved and dont' have so many reminders, you'll start to feel a lot better.

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