Question about rape?

[mikelopez]

I been thinking and started recalling a moment when I was 5-6 years old; my mother used to baby sit my next door neighbor and I remember that he wanted me to suck his penis; I think I tried to, but I did not like it and he wanted me yo put toilet paper around it so I would'nt taste it. My mother walked into the restroom and I remember her looking at me, and then started hitting me. I think I was grounded or something, and my mom stopped babysitting him. I recall that his family was involved with gangs, and even as I was a child they gave me advice to one day own my own gun and shoot people. Then from there on I think my dream of being involved with gangster one day came from, but I also been living in the Los Angeles gang area the majority of my life, and I still go back even after moving in with family to middle class neighborhood. (im 22 now moved out at 16 but been going back all my life looking for hood friends so i call them)

 

Do you guys know of a way to remember more, is it healthy trying to remember? Is this the reason why I been knuckle head all my life? Did this affect me? Could this be a potential link to me one day being gay? what are your thoughts about this? I just feel lame now... but things always get better so I am not quitting remember that lol

[civilservant]

Um.... wow ok. Well I suppose you could undergo hypotheraputic procedures, I know that that is proven to allow you to remember and explore a memory in more detail.

 

As for how it could have effected you, the mind works in funny ways. Generally if this memory wasn't know to you it's because your brain was forcing it down in order to avoid processing it and intergrating it into your experiances. It's more than possible it could have effected you in ways that you don't know.

 

I don't, however, think it would have any bearing on being gay or not, but that's just my opinion.

[mikelopez]

so would you recommend me sharing this with a counselor?

[agent1607307371]

Kids experiment. It could be linked to you being gay, it could also not. It's one of those things.

[civilservant]

so would you recommend me sharing this with a counselor?

 

I can't 'recommend' anything... I'm not a professional. But if you want to explore this memory then that might be a way to go about it.

[Sunny1607307996]

Yes, I recommend you see a counselor. This is quite a complicated situation. I think it would be very beneficial for you to explore this with a professional for as long as you need.

 

How much older was this boy than you?

 

As far as how healthy it is to remember....that I can't answer. I think there is a reason this memory is resurfacing now.

 

And I doubt this will make you gay, but that is just my opinion. I mean it's not as though you both decided to explore each other, he wanted you do to something you clearly were not comfortable with.

 

And your mother's reaction certainly didn't help things. I'm sorry this happened to you. And you are certainly not a nuckle-head! This has certainly affected you but you are clearly an intelligent, caring, and kind individual.

 

I think talking to a professional is a great idea. I wish you all the best.

[mikelopez]

Kids experiment. It could be linked to you being gay, it could also not. It's one of those things.

 

Im not gay, I just heard that some people start to feel that they are gay after something like what I went through happens... But I also believe that some people are just born gay which is not a bad thing... I am not gay I just found out a few days ago a friend of mine has been gay forever and I never knew. He has been wearing * * * * s that say legalize gays, ect and I never though he was gay, I just thought he was a bit weird lol. (no dierespect) That is why i mentioned it here just because.

[agent1607307371]

Im not gay, I just heard that some people start to feel that they are gay after something like what I went through happens... But I also believe that some people are just born gay which is not a bad thing... I am not gay I just found out a few days ago a friend of mine has been gay forever and I never knew. He has been wearing * * * * s that say legalize gays, ect and I never though he was gay, I just thought he was a bit weird lol. (no dierespect) That is why i mentioned it here just because.

 

Sorry, I misread that part.

 

Most gay people are born, not made. Same as straights

 

Sometimes, when people are abused by someone of the same sex they can internalise that. But it tends to be trauma expressing itself in that way and forming proper relationships with people is incredibly difficult for them.

 

I doubt some childs play is going to make you gay. If it really worries you, talk to a councillor, but if you are straight, I doubt it is going to override that wiring.

[mikelopez]

Thanks for making me feel better... I did not want to do it, and my mother back in those days had it bad... my father was an alcoholic who used to beat her... he beat her so bad she had to get brain surgery due to all the injuries (when i was ten and has been sick till this day)... she had no school education, ill rate her as codepandant to my father... she was ignorant. scared, and had the belief she says that'll shell be looked at wrong if she left my father...over the years my father stopped drinking like around when i was 7 or something idk... I constently was told stories growing up how I had it better then my sisters... how they never ate pizza, or McDoanlds until they were 15-16... how my father was an alcoholic who would beat my sisters... how lucky I am to not have gotten hit as they did, but I was hit a few times too... I even recall my father giving me alcohol when I was still drinking from a bottle while he hang out with his friends in my back yard... I started stealing at a young age from my family to buy candies and go to the movies with friends... All i ever wanted was love, a girl, cool friends... Then my sisters were able to some how be great at school straight A students go to college all while living in the hood... but me I was a bad boy...I was teased in school for my looks and a disability in my walking, and after being defended by a bully who became a close friend at that time I became a bad boy from there... I tried to live two lives al my life, school boy, and bad boy and it finally took a toll on me... I cant drink, party, have cheating females, blaze, do any of the destructive things i been doing anymore because I am starting to feel like I know myself more and more...

 

 

But i still go back to the hood to smoke and im confused.....but i have cut back on a lot of destructive things ill do...

[Sunny1607307996]

Gosh it sounds like you've been through so much in your short life. It really shows how much courage and strength and maturity you have.

 

I really hope you get in touch with a counselor. It sounds like you have more to talk about than a possible rape. I can't imagine how you must feel!

 

Be strong.

[mikelopez]

could it be an excuse to my lake of progression... I mean i am learning and reading material about self-growth, positive thinking, self help books, examining my life, searching for answers, finding my passion, and im confused...am I a big baby, am I looking for excuses to justify the life I am making of myself?

[Sunny1607307996]

I personally think that because you are taking positive steps to lead a better life, including delving inwards and learning more about yourself, proves that you are truly trying to become a better person and not looking for excuses.

 

Have you looked into any therapists yet? I think your past is very complicated and I doubt it's something you can explore through just books and even this website. I think you need to explore these issues with a professional.

[fLuiD]

Its kind of hard for me to grasp this as being rape. Yes it was something that you did not want to do, but he didn't force himself on you...or did he?

[mikelopez]

He did because I did not want to do it...I am remembering that I was saying no and he was saying just do it.....im not sure but I think maybe he touched mine...damm its crazy these thoughts just came up......f that guy ....could i put him in jail after all these years,,,i think he was young too since my mom baby sat him

 

Its kind of hard for me to grasp this as being rape. Yes it was something that you did not want to do, but he didn't force himself on you...or did he?

[fLuiD]

But I mean was it forced entry where you fought it off and he managed to penetrate? This sounds like you did this 'voluntarily' but unwillingly. I'm a bit confused.

[trezz]

stranger2009

you were asked to do something you did not want to do at such a very young age. you said no. you were both children. as you say he must have been very young as well or he would not have been baby sat. i think at that age being threatened is enough to co-erce a child, physical force is not always necessary. therefore it was against your will after you said no.

your mother must have got a shock and responed from shock.

 

what you are doing now in trying to deal with all of your past is very brave.

read the books do as much as you can to help yourself but also go to counselling if you are able to.

 

going back to smoke in your old neighbour hood. how is that impacting on your life now?

certainly look at your past but dont live in it.

stay strong, you have proved you are strong already, good luck and continue to work on improving your life.

[mikelopez]

going back to smoke... how is it impacting me? Well, I mest up in school since im always running around looking for the homies to smoke with... I get involved in petty crimes, smoking, drinking in public, arguring, I could maybe catch something form messing around those easy girls. But I also feel I help a bit, because I keep the little homies safe... Without me there knuckle heads, I am able to talk them down, to get them to act right, to stand up for themeselves, I teach them the best I know, but also the bad I know. (in this i mean on making sure you get what you paid for, to not do anything for anybody else but for themeselves) They have a big homie to look out for them, get the self-esteem up, and its just love that I get.

 

My hard part is the going back time and time again can someone explain that for me? I mean I love working out, biking, reading, math, school, but it takes a toll on me trying to do both...Well its easier to smoke....can someone please guide me??