Question for the former commitaphobes

[newwave]

The guy I like has serious commitment issues. Previously he wanted a relationship that ended in marriage and children. He wanted to get serious with me years ago but I was coming out of a bad relationship. He even proposed to his last girlfriend without meeting her, then he moved to be with her. 6 months later he was back because she used him.He's never been married but looked forward to it. However, now he tells me that he doesn't want to fall in love, to be tied down, doesn't want a relationship. He's attracted to me so that's not an issue (he always told me I was his dream girl). Plus, I am giving him space so he can deal (and he still wants to be friends).

 

Has this happened to others where they said this and then they changed their mind? Going by his past I am pretty sure he can change his mind and that he's just hurting now (this last relationship only took place a couple of years ago). He doesn't want sex either so it's not an issue of him just wanting that. We are already friends so not a problem either of going back to that. I can't get serious now anyway.

 

Anyone here go through this and get over it? I will admit the same thing happen to me years ago (1995) where I got used by a con artist and it took me years to recover.

[Iakasot]

I can kind of relate. I used to be a relationship kind of guy, and I changed my mind to not really caring that much anymore. Relationships is just trying to put a label on feelings, IMO.

[dejavu31]

I can almost garauntee that he will change his mind. When alot guys first get out of a bad relationship they automatically go into a "womens needs, im a playa, i dont need her, im gonna run thru es like skewer" phase. That wears off. How fast it wears off depends on the guy. Guys get immature when it doesn't work out and use these feelings to hide their insecurity of feeling like their not an acceptable mate. How he's acting is common, he's in rebound mode. Some rebound longer than others depending on how attractive they are and how many potential mates they have. The less potential mates the longer they feel this way. Be happy he has enough respect for you to not use you as the rebound.

[Iakasot]

I can almost garauntee that he will change his mind. When alot guys first get out of a bad relationship they automatically go into a " womens needs, im a playa, i dont need her, im gonna run thru es like skewer" phase. That wears off pretty quick. How he's acting is common, he's in rebound mode. Be happy he has enough respect for you to not use you as the rebound.

 

I disagree about it wearing off quickly, and about the focus being to neglect women's needs. The focus is to fulfill your own needs. Trust me though, it doesn't just "wear off" there's a whole anti marriage culture out there. Look up the Tom Leykis radio show on youtube.

[dejavu31]

I disagree about it wearing off quickly, and about the focus being to neglect women's needs. The focus is to fulfill your own needs. Trust me though, it doesn't just "wear off" there's a whole anti marriage culture out there. Look up the Tom Leykis radio show on youtube.

 

Yea theres a whole anti-marriage culture. Some poeple are legitimate about not wanting marriage, the others just can't find anyone because they lack the appropriate qualities and mates.

[Blue Skittles]

There are a lot of people I'm finding that just aren't interested in ever getting married and/or having kids.

 

I broke up with my ex because he wasn't at all interested in getting married, and definitely did not want children, so I decided to move on. I just felt I had no hope with him.

[mumto2]

There are a lot of people I'm finding that just aren't interested in ever getting married and/or having kids.

 

I broke up with my ex because he wasn't at all interested in getting married, and definitely did not want children, so I decided to move on. I just felt I had no hope with him.

 

I agree with you on this one. So many people just don't want the emotional responsibility/burden, and would rather hang onto their past.

 

To the poster: if you know he isn't in this for keeps, move on. He will never give you what you want/need. You would be wasting your time. xx

[newwave]

I actually don't know if he's in it for keeps or not. We are long time friends that should have hooked up years ago but never did (I had relationship issues). He's not using me for rebound, we are friends. Right now I can't get serious, but I hope eventually we do because we are much alike.

[atelis]

I actually don't know if he's in it for keeps or not. We are long time friends that should have hooked up years ago but never did (I had relationship issues). He's not using me for rebound, we are friends. Right now I can't get serious, but I hope eventually we do because we are much alike.

 

what part of 'he doesn't want to fall in love, doesn't want to be tied down and doesn't want a relationship' are you having trouble comprehending? What more does a guy need to say for you to get you to run in the other direction? Never ever think you can change someone or their fears......unless he wants to make change for himself, you are putting yourself in an awful position.

 

It also worries me that you said this has happened to you before with a 'con artist'.

 

Why do you pursue or become interested in emotionally unavailable men?

[newwave]

what part of 'he doesn't want to fall in love, doesn't want to be tied down and doesn't want a relationship' are you having trouble comprehending? What more does a guy need to say for you to get you to run in the other direction? Never ever think you can change someone or their fears......unless he wants to make change for himself, you are putting yourself in an awful position.

 

It also worries me that you said this has happened to you before with a 'con artist'.

 

Why do you pursue or become interested in emotionally unavailable men?

 

I don't explain much of the situation, but no, he's always liked me. He's just scared. Years ago he wanted to date me, but at the time I was getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I have a feeling this is part of it. Also, him being used wasn't that long ago either, only a couple of years. He told me when we got together that he was over it, but a week later he said he was still a little afraid. I don't know if it will workout or not, but it could, and no it's not me personally. If this doesn't workout, then this is my end of dating on many levels. Basically if this doesn't workout, then it's God fault for punishing me. Incidentally, if this doesn't workout it's also the end of my faith.

 

No, I don't pursue emotionally unavailable men. The con artist seemed like a nice guy, which is why I dated him. He did all the things that so called "nice guys" do.

[jaygirl]

something caught my eye here and i thought i would just point it out......

 

you said Gods fault for punishing you. God isnt punishing you love, he wouldnt punish you. Sometimes you think that things are happening the wrong way when God is actually trying to save you from a problem. A man dumped me out in the cold six years ag, and i almost wanted to kill myself, i had prayed and prayed and kept wondering, God why me! six years later he is begging me back. i now realise i never even knew him, because we lived miles apart. He is a physically and emotionaly abusive man! he would beat his fiance and lock her indoors for days....she has finally left.

 

When i was dating him, i so wanted to marry him, and i was praying, but it didnt work out. God was answering my prayer in another way, and protecting me. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger. Believe that God is preparing you for something better. He loves you and wants the best for you.

 

Maybe one day your ex might come around, or maybe not, but i believe its best to be in a relationship where the person wants you more than you want them..............

 

 

wish you the best love!

[newwave]

You were better by getting away from him. This guy isn't abusive, just messed up because of a previous relationship. I do feel angry at God because I am 39 and every guy I wanted I never got. Hard to explain in writing, but every crush I ever had never worked out. That's why I was thrilled to reconnect with him. Then when we got together we couldn't stop kissinf. Even when he called the next day he was happy. I know I got a little too aggressive and he said that.

[atelis]

all emotionally unavailable men seem like nice guys........but the women who get involved with them live in denial and either ignore all the red flags or they see them but still think they can change the situation.

 

God is already telling you this guy is not for you. When a man tells you he doesn't want to fall in love or commit, you need to heed that warning and get out. You are punishing yourself because you are constantly chasing emotionally unavailable men........anyone that does that inherently has low self worth. Why do you feel you don't deserve to be loved?

 

Look back at your posts in this thread........in every post, you are justifying to yourself why you should stay with this guy (it's called living in denial), when all the signs are there that you should get out.

 

Stop thinking that you can change this guy's mind by thinking that if you just give a bit more and show him how much you love him that he will get over his fears.......it doesn't work that way.

[newwave]

He IS a nice guy, the con artist wasn't. Have you ever dealt with a con artist? If you haven't then you can't speak of that experience. God is not telling me he's the wrong guy. Btw, this is the end of me dating. If God makes me suffer then it's over. Actually, one of these things will happen to me: I'll either quit dating, dating guys for money (yes, might as well) or kill myself. Those are my options and yes I will blame God.

 

People change, there is proof in this thread. I believe he'll change and yes I'll wait my entire life for him to change. Last time he saw me he told me he loved me.