I want it to end

[Raistlin]

Last night, my girlfriend and I broke up. Its made me realize that I have been riding my happyness based off of others, particularly an SO. Tonight, I want my life to end. It is worthless to live like this and I have been unable to find happiness alone for 22 years, so why would that change now? I am thinking of endin my life tonight.

[Jetta]

Why exactly do you want to end your life? We all live for others to some degree, particularly when the going gets tough. You will have other loves in your life.

[botticelli]

Raistlin, please don't do that..

It's okay to find comfort in others. Humans aren't meant to be alone. Don't blame yourself. Time heals all wounds. I promise you will have other happy moments in your life if you wait it out.. because that's how life is.. there will always be good times and bad times. The important thing is to keep moving forward; don't let those bad times/thoughts dominate your life.

 

Hang in there. Suicide is certainly not a solution to anything. Many people find happiness in giving to others.

[moyno85]

We all base our happiness off of others. It's human nature. We are social beings. You only really know who you are and your place in the world by other people's reactions to you.

 

If you made a joke and there was no one around to laugh how would you know it was funny? When someone laughs at your joke it gives you validation and makes you feel good.

 

Its the same with relationships.

 

I guess the real trick is not to rely TOO much on others for happiness.

 

Don't beat yourself up mate. Sounds like you're having a real downer. I'm sure almost everyone has felt like necking themselves at some point. (I know I have, sometimes you're down for so ridiculously long that you never think things are gonna get better)

 

The fact of the matter is, things do get better. It takes time and a reprogramming of the mind.

 

I know thinking positive is probably not a conscious option a this point but get a good night sleep, and start to think positive.

 

Mental reprogramming my friend, the world is all about how we view it. Reality follows.

[Raistlin]

All that I am is because of others. I have nothing. I don't have happiness, goals, ambition or drive. Without someone to hang on to, my existence is meaningless. I cannot survive alone again. I've spent far too much time alone and never grew to like it. I can't do this alone.

[BellaDonna]

Sorry you are feeling so down. The breakup is still new so I'm sure that this is a very hard time for you- but I do think you will feel better with time, and with some very targeted efforts to break the co-dependency patterns and not give too much of yourself too soon.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone else- but you should not ever make your life center around them, to the point that you lose yourself in it and they become your life.

 

You grew up without your real dad, knowing he walked off, and you may have some conflicted feelings about that which cause you to latch on to people tightly when they come into your life. Latching on to them may end up having the opposite effect of what you were hoping for.

 

I think if you sought out therapy- the kind that goes deep- you could come to terms with a lot of underlying feelings that tie into your self-worth and learn a lot about yourself, and have a better approach to future relationships.

 

You are in a crisis because of the breakup right now, and any decision you make is a rash decision that is not well thought out. Suicide is NOT the answer.

[HellFrost666]

Well instead of giving up maybe this is your time to be alone and do some serious reflecting. You can learn a lot about yourself when you're single.

 

You said you can only be happy when you are with someone... Were you happy as a child? I doubt you've been in a relationship since birth.

[Raistlin]

I was going to seek therapy to better myself in the interest of my relationship. Now... I have zero interest in it. I fully understand what my issues are with codependency, and I realize now exactly what I allow myself to do to destroy my self esteem, destroy my feelings of self worth, and all of the broken ideals I cling on to... but I just don't care enough to want to do anything about it.

 

I am not ready to face myself, or anyone else, because I can't bear the thought of being alone.... or worse, what she may be up to.

 

 

 

I have never been happy without allowing myself to become deluded with a closed-off sense of reality. I.E. living in my own little world. When I open my eyes to reality, at any time, my spirits sag and I become depressed. And unfortunately, I am no longer adept at creating my own sense of reality.

[HellFrost666]

 

I have never been happy without allowing myself to become deluded with a closed-off sense of reality. I.E. living in my own little world. When I open my eyes to reality, at any time, my spirits sag and I become depressed. And unfortunately, I am no longer adept at creating my own sense of reality.

 

You're only 22, you have plenty of time to learn how to create your own sense of reality.

 

If your life ends tonight isn't there anything you would miss? Aren't there things you haven't experienced yet that you want to experience one day?

 

I've been suicidal before, I know how it feels. I know you are really set on this. But just take some time to think... isn't there anything?

[Raistlin]

You're only 22, you have plenty of time to learn how to create your own sense of reality.

 

If your life ends tonight isn't there anything you would miss? Aren't there things you haven't experienced yet that you want to experience one day?

 

I've been suicidal before, I know how it feels. I know you are really set on this. But just take some time to think... isn't there anything?

 

Not really. There's really only one thing I can think of. It's sexual, I've had the opportunity, and I've turned it down each and every time.

[tiredofvampires]

I fully understand what my issues are with codependency, and I realize now exactly what I allow myself to do to destroy my self esteem, destroy my feelings of self worth, and all of the broken ideals I cling on to... but I just don't care enough to want to do anything about it.

 

When apathy like this sets in, it's the direct result of inadequate brain chemicals. I know that feeling. The "why bother" feeling, where you feel beyond help. That is the medical beast called depression speaking. Your brain is not operating clearly.

 

So what you need to do is buy yourself some time -- decide that you are a patient just as much as if you just broke your leg and need to get it set. You need to get to a therapist who can prescribe medication, as well as do the psychotherapy you need (or just see an M.D. for the meds, and a psychotherapist for the talking). But you won't be able to process any emotions that are coming up effectively until you restore a semblance of chemical balance.

 

The breakup is very fresh, so it's only normal for you to be extremely down now. Stand outside yourself and tell yourself that despite what you are adding up about all the history, the experiences, the past...this is a grief process combined with depressive biochemistry, and so suicide is out of the question. It's not a rational choice, it's not an informed choice, it's just that you're feeling very desperate right now. You mustn't act on that, but since you are considering drastic action, consider the drastic action of going to therapy, which is way overdue for you.

[HellFrost666]

Not really. There's really only one thing I can think of. It's sexual, I've had the opportunity, and I've turned it down each and every time.

 

Sexual or not... it's still something. And if you spend some time being single you'll have the freedom to go out and find that opportunity again.

 

When I was suicidal the few people who knew would always say "Think about all the people who would miss you." Yes, that's true, but it's also a cliche'.

 

I am sure if you ended your life tonight there are a lot of people that would miss you. But I am going on my own experience here, and I know thinking about that never helped me.

 

It was thinking about the people, and the things I would miss. Do you have family that you are close to?

 

What triggered this for you was the end of a relationship... If you work through this and spend some time single just think of how much better your next relationship will be.

[Raistlin]

Problem is, I wouldn't be able to do it. (the thing I want) I want it, but I couldn't. If that makes sense.

 

Would people care? Maybe my parents. Not many others. Sure, I have friends, but they're so busy with their lives that I'm practically non-existent as it is. It'd just be a more permanent thing.

 

Would I miss anything? I haven't really been that fanatical about anything lately. I hate my job, I rarely see my friends... my ex was the only thing I had going for me. And now she's gone. Not much left.

[HellFrost666]

Problem is, I wouldn't be able to do it. (the thing I want) I want it, but I couldn't. If that makes sense.

 

Would people care? Maybe my parents. Not many others. Sure, I have friends, but they're so busy with their lives that I'm practically non-existent as it is. It'd just be a more permanent thing.

 

Would I miss anything? I haven't really been that fanatical about anything lately. I hate my job, I rarely see my friends... my ex was the only thing I had going for me. And now she's gone. Not much left.

 

Are you trying to find another job? If you hate your job now I am sure you've thought about it.

 

You are in a tough situation... When I was very close to suicide a couple years ago I had friends who I told about these feelings who ignored me. I've since cut them out of my life. Really, the only thing that made me rethink my decision was knowing the agony I would put my girlfriend though and that she was the one thing I would miss. Now I am sitting here thinking about what I would have done if she would have ended the relationship around that time... and I can't think of anything that would have stopped me.

 

That was a couple years ago though... Now I can think of a few other things that are worth sticking around for, even if she wasn't in the picture. I guess this comes with life experience.

 

You need to find something you are passionate about.

[Raistlin]

The problem is that anything I HAVE been passionate about, I lose. Everything. I've gotten the job I want - lost it. I've gotten the girl(s) I want - lost them. I've gotten through most of the schooling I wanted... and stopped short.

 

Lately, my family and friends have all told me I'm making a mistake by going down the path I'd chosen, which was to study computers. Apparently, I'm a writer first and a tech second... which was not my intent, but I'm rethinking everything I thought I knew.

 

The fact is that I am alone, and I'm good at losing the things I want. I've had no problem keeping this job, which I have 0% passion for. I want to find something to love, but I'm afraid I'd lose that too. I tried very, very hard for my ex and it wasn't good enough. I'd worked hard at the job I wanted, and it wasn't good enough. Frankly, I'm not convinced that anything I want will ever pan out due to the disturbing patterns I've experienced and been forced to endure.

 

In the state I'm in, I can't eat. It's been over 30 hours since I've eaten. I can't drink. I've taken in about 8 hours of fluid in about 24 hours. I've thrown up 7 times, and spent over 3 hours collectively in tears. There's no end in sight.

[HellFrost666]

I can relate to you on that one too... I had a fantastic job right out of college... and I lost it. I got an even better job a year or so later... best job I ever had, and I lost it this passed November. My sister was someone I was really close to, and now she wants nothing to do with me, and neither does my Mom... apparently they think I am making a lot of mistakes also, and they are tired of seeing it. And, ironically enough, my chosen field is/was computer science.

 

Now I am questioning everything. Sometimes we have to lose ourselves before we can find ourselves.

 

And yes, passion is a fleeting thing. I remember hearing somewhere that when you find something you are truly passionate about it never goes away. But that completely contradicts the idea of passion.

 

I can't explain why exactly, but this thread and your situation made me think of this quote...

 

Bill Hicks: The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride...” But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus - murdered; Martin Luther King - murdered; Malcolm X - murdered; Gandhi - murdered; John Lennon - murdered; Reagan... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love.

[Raistlin]

I ended up passing out last night, but before I did, I prayed to a deity I don't believe in to stop my heart in the night. Instead, I dreamt about my ex all night, and the good times we had. I relived all of the amazing experiences we shared.

 

When I awoke, I reached for her like I always do.... only to come away disappointed yet again. Now, I entertain thoughts of ending my life once more. Instead of wishful thinking, I tease myself with the reality of the situation, and the means within my grasp. My sanity wears thin. I keep hearing things that aren't there and I'm constantly dazed. I've even imagined writing "final" letters to friends and family (again, as I've done it before but stopped myself) and this time discovered they'd all be the same, except one.

 

Hers.

 

It would be filled with the echoes of a broken heart, and I don't think there's a way to write it without breaking hers. Still, I am selfish. She told me enough times for me not to be able to ignore it.

[Raistlin]

I think the best way to describe how I feel is:

 

In the great book of life, each chapter is written as it comes. With the close of each chapter, it leads into the next.

 

This time, I feel like my "pen" stopped moving. The next chapter is now open, but the page is blank. 2 words are pre-outlined on the page, just waiting to be filled in...

 

THE END.

[BellaDonna]

I was going to seek therapy to better myself in the interest of my relationship. Now... I have zero interest in it. I fully understand what my issues are with codependency, and I realize now exactly what I allow myself to do to destroy my self esteem, destroy my feelings of self worth, and all of the broken ideals I cling on to... but I just don't care enough to want to do anything about it.

 

I am not ready to face myself, or anyone else, because I can't bear the thought of being alone.... or worse, what she may be up to.

 

 

Taking that first step to seek out help is the hardest part. Once you establish a treatment plan, I think you will find therapy to be something that is comforting and insightful. Another benefit of it is that it prevents you from having to work through this alone.

[Raistlin]

I'm so scared and alone right now. I'm home alone while the rest of my family works, and my anxiety is so high that I'm shaking and I want to cry for no real reason EXCEPT that I'm alone.

 

I just want someone to talk to right now... I'm so sad

[BellaDonna]

Does your family know that you feel this way? Do they know abotu the breakup?

[Raistlin]

Yes, they know everything. I went to my mom in early 2009 and told her that I have had suicidal thoughts for over 10 years and I want help, but I'm too scared to do it alone. Nothing came of that except "where did I go wrong" then my parents pretending I don't have any problems.

 

They know about the break up. My dad's words were "I'm sorry, but I'm glad you broke up with her". My mom just wants her son not to hurt, but isn't really trying to lessen the blow as I "take these things too seriously everytime".

 

True, but doesn't make it any less painful.

 

I want to hear my ex say she loves me again... I want to not be alone anymore... I want to finally find the happiness I glimpse when I go for a while not depressed.

 

I'm a grown man crying right now because I'm alone. I despise myself.

[BellaDonna]

If your parents think that they can "cause" depression in you or that you can somehow control it- then they are simply misinformed. They mean well but they don't seem to understand that depression is an illness that needs to be treated. There is no point in blaming themselves if you are depressed- but they don't know any better.

 

It's too bad they didn't handle the situation better. Maybe it is best to talk to someone that is objective and can offer well-informed advice about what to do for treatment. A hotline is a good option- they don't just handle suicidal feelings, but can talk you through an emotional crisis of any kind. If you are in despair right now- that would qualify as an emotional crisis. Check out this link: link removed

 

I just want someone to talk to right now... I'm so sad

 

If your family is at work, and you are alone and have some privacy it would be the ideal time to call.

[Raistlin]

I have called before. I sat on hold for 45 minutes, and the operator didn't really listen to anything I had to say. Just "yep" "sorry to hear that" then "I have to go I have other calls, good luck". *Click*

 

I cried myself to sleep that night. It took my best friend (now far too busy to deal with me and my issues) to stop me from cutting my wrists the next day.

[BellaDonna]

You called that same hotline before? Maybe you got someone on a bad day. I wouldn't write if off all together. There mgiht be others options for a hotline- I'll look and then post it.