katzzz1 Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Hi all, First time posting on here, so please go easy on me. So here's the story. I met a guy on an online dating website about 2 months ago. We hit it off right away and have been seeing each other about 3 times a week since. This past weekend he introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend, which I thought was great! I really like the guy so far and can see long term potential with him, even though it seemed a bit soon to be doing anything exclusive. After he introduced me to his friends we had the "talk" and decided to be exclusive. We have both changed our facebook status to being in a relationship and some of his friends have even friended me on facebook. Well here's the problem. I told him that I was going to cancel my online dating profile. Without me asking him to cancel his, he said he would as well and a couple days ago he told me he canceled it. So, I have been checking the website and he hasn't canceled his profile and he has been on it everyday. I feel weird bringing it up to him so soon and I am trying to not freak out. I just feel like maybe we moved too fast to get into an exclusive relationship. I also think it is shady of him to tell me he canceled it, when he obviously didn't and is still checking it daily. Should I talk to him about it or just resign up on the dating website? Link to comment
Ammy Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 OMG that is totally shady! Okay if he kept it up without telling you he took it down, I'd still think you had the right to be annoyed... but he even lied and said he did. He probably didn't think you'd know because you cancelled your account. I would speak to him about it - it's not like this isn't something you've already talked about... and 2 months is not too early to be exclusive, esp if both parties agree to it. Ammy Link to comment
Puddincup Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Well actually some dating sites won't turn off your profile right away. They will wait until your subscription runs out and just not renew it. Maybe that's what happened. Link to comment
katzzz1 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Thanks Ammy I thought this guy might be too good to be true. It just seems like he is trying so hard to win me over. Like cooking dinner, taking me on dates, calling me everyday. He even texted me this morning with "hey babe, good morning, hope you have a good day. I just don't understand men at all. What is the point of spending so much time trying to win me over when he is still looking on a freakin dating website. grrrr! I'm frustrated! I want to bring it up to him, but feel like I might be pushing him too much too soon. Link to comment
katzzz1 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Hey Puddincup I was able to cancel my subscription before the end of the term I paid for and take my profile down, so I know he can do the same, so that's not the problem. Link to comment
Puddincup Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Geez, I don't know why he's not taking it down then. I remember one of my exs kept his profile up for a long time, like 6-7 months into our relationship before he took it down. Maybe your guy is just on the fence? I would just ask him myself. Of course, he might get mad but it is better than you have all these suspicions. Link to comment
katzzz1 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 true, better to just get it out now and find out how he is rather than let it drag on for months. I'm just not the type of girl who can handle dating someone who is dating a bunch of other girls. esp. since we have slept together... Link to comment
Puddincup Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Well sometimes people can be faithful but still like to look around. It's not ideal that's for sure. I guess what I'm saying is that he might not be seeing anyone else, but I don't really like the lying. Lying is no good. Link to comment
katzzz1 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 I really don't think he is dating other people at all, but it makes me feel like he is just keeping me around until he finds someone better. If that's the case then fine, but he never should have said that he wanted an exclusive relationship. then I wouldn't have any expectations and would be doing the same thing Link to comment
Ammy Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 I really don't think he is dating other people at all, but it makes me feel like he is just keeping me around until he finds someone better. If that's the case then fine, but he never should have said that he wanted an exclusive relationship. then I wouldn't have any expectations and would be doing the same thing Just talk to him about it! Link to comment
katzzz1 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 ok, I'll talk to him about it tomorrow and let you know what happens thanks all Link to comment
BriarRose Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 If he still has his profile up (and is on it every day) and you don't, he is still looking. Period. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 If he still has his profile up (and is on it every day) and you don't, he is still looking. Period. And even if he is not actively looking, he is open to something better coming along. At least that was my experience. Now that doesn't necessarily mean he will always feel that way; some people take longer than others to decide they want to commit. But at least right now just be careful, and don't get too much more attached to him than he is to you. Which is generally a good rule of thumb anyway. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 And even if he is not actively looking, he is open to something better coming along. At least that was my experience. Now that doesn't necessarily mean he will always feel that way; some people take longer than others to decide they want to commit. But at least right now just be careful, and don't get too much more attached to him than he is to you. Which is generally a good rule of thumb anyway. 2 months is long enough. I would not advise a woman who wants a serious relationship to continue to date someone who does not want exclusivity by 2 months. And even though this guy says he does, his actions do not show it. I agree w/you that keeping his profile up at least means he is open to the idea of meeting someone else. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 2 months is long enough. I would not advise a woman who wants a serious relationship to continue to date someone who does not want exclusivity by 2 months. And even though this guy says he does, his actions do not show it. I agree w/you that keeping his profile up at least means he is open to the idea of meeting someone else. Hmm. I think the time scale matters less than that the profile status should match the current emotional level of the relationship. Some relationships move slowly and after two months the couple has only had a few dates; I tend to be more like that. However in the OP's case they see each other three times a week, and he is already saying they are exclusive and introducing her as his girlfriend. So at that point I think it is time for the profile to come down--and you would think he would want it to come down. That type of mixed signal confuses me. I see it here and also in the case of my own ex; if a man is interested in seeing other people, okay. But then why go out of his way to tell everyone about you and show off his commitment? (In my case at least, I honestly do not believe it was about getting sex.) You have to be very careful having conversations about these things, too--you have to stand up for yourself, but the last thing you want is for someone to pull his profile just because he feels coerced. Because his underlying feelings won't change; he will still be just as open to someone better coming along--just he will resent you. It's not good that he has a profile up, but in some ways his having the profile there where you can see it is a good thing--it lets you know where he is at, and not to get too emotionally invested yet. --- *I would also add that at least two men I knew kept their profiles up well into the relationship, but had no trouble committing--and then taking it down. One kept his profile up literally until he proposed, but he had no trouble proposing. But I think they were the exception and not the norm. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 I don't think anyone who still has their profile up and active is truly committed in their heart to that person. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 I don't think anyone who still has their profile up and active is truly committed in their heart to that person. Well...I could definitely have a profile up and still be 100% wanting to be with someone--just I don't want to rush things, or pressure someone into a commitment before he is ready, so I consciously hold back a little and try to stay a little detached, and maybe I keep a profile up even if I'm not answering e-mail. Or maybe I myself am committed, but I am not sure how the other person feels. Granted I don't think any of these are the OP's situation, and it was certainly not my ex'es. Of course, if I were a guy you are probably right; none of these things would apply. And regardless of the time scales, after proclaiming that I am exclusive with someone? No way would I be active on a dating site...that seems weird. If I had to guess, I'd say 90% of the time if someone is still on a dating site after declaring that you are exclusive, it is a red flag. The other 10% I don't know what it means--but don't count on being in that 10%, and keep your expectations appropriate. Link to comment
katzzz1 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Thanks for your advice. I agree with Misskitty. I think if he was really into me as much as he is saying then he would take the profile down. What worries me even more is that he said he canceled the account and has lied about it. Big red flag! He has no problem telling people I'm his girlfriend, so he doesn't have a problem being openly committed to me. He has also told me he likes to be in a relationship and has never cheated, although hasn't been in a committed relationship in 3 years. He was with his last gf for 7 years and she cheated on him and ended up marrying the guy she cheated with. That was 3 years ago, since then he said he has dated other girls, but nothing serious and nothing more than 4 months. I'm wondering if he has trust issues and wants to keep his profile up and looking in case I bolt. We are hanging out tomorrow night, I think I am going to see how that goes. I might just end it without even bringing up the dating profile, it might not be even worth it. Link to comment
Shudder Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 thats the trouble with online dating. i think i find it harder to believe what the other person is saying due to reasons similar to this. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 What worries me even more is that he said he canceled the account and has lied about it. Big red flag! I agree too. My point was just that sometimes people are guarded and leave their profiles up until they are 100% sure that--as OP says--the other person won't bolt. I know that's why I'd leave mine up. But in any case, here the red flag for me is the disconnect between what he is telling you and the status of his ad. He has no problem telling people I'm his girlfriend, so he doesn't have a problem being openly committed to me. This part I do not understand. Why do guys (not to generalize, maybe women do this too--but I've never dated one ) go out of their way to proclaim commitment if they don't actually want to commit? I've never understood. Link to comment
katzzz1 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 OK, so after much thought I have not talked to my BF about his online account. my rationale for this is that if I say something about it then i'm sure he will take his profile down. But my feeling on the situation is if he really is in to me as much as he says then he should take the profile down without me having to say something about it. Instead I just put my profile back up. I like this guy and we get along great. he seems to do everything right, but seeing his profile up and that he is checking it every day makes me feel like he is just keeping me around until he finds something better. Well, that's not fair, so I'm going to keep my options open as well. I will still hang out with him, but I'm going to detach myself from him a bit. My history with guys is that I always fall fast and seem to get hurt. I have been reading a lot of posts on here about common themes in relationships and my common theme is that I make myself way too available way too soon. well, not this time, if he leaves because I put my profile back up then oh well...i'll move onto the next one. Link to comment
ncnc Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 You are mad!!! Your boyfriend is going online EVERYDAY you say, looking at girls profiles and most probably messaging back and fourth with a few, possibly dating a few and you havent spoke to him about it You have had the exclusive talk so you have every right to call him out on it! I would take your profile down Immediately (if he comes accross it he could turn this round on you) and talk to him asap, if it doesnt go well then you will have to make a decision about if you want to carry on seeing him whilst he pursues others, I personally wouldnt as he has already showed that he is not worthy and not trustworthy by pretending he wanted to be exclusive then clearly still looking - slippery guy. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 You are mad!!! Your boyfriend is going online EVERYDAY you say, looking at girls profiles and most probably messaging back and fourth with a few, possibly dating a few and you havent spoke to him about it You have had the exclusive talk so you have every right to call him out on it! I would take your profile down Immediately (if he comes accross it he could turn this round on you) and talk to him asap, if it doesnt go well then you will have to make a decision about if you want to carry on seeing him whilst he pursues others, I personally wouldnt as he has already showed that he is not worthy and not trustworthy by pretending he wanted to be exclusive then clearly still looking - slippery guy. She had already brought it up. He told her he would remove it, and did not and is checking it every day (while OP's is removed). Katzz, the only committed relationship that exists between you and this guy is the one in your head. Put your profile back up and start dating other people. Link to comment
ncnc Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 She hasnt bought it up! Her last post says that she has decided not to. The only time they have spoken about it is when she first mentioned that she was going to take her profile down, he said he would do the same and lied to her that he had cancelled it when infact he was/is going on it everyday - what a sleaze! OP he is a big fat liar! Either talk to him about it or move on! Link to comment
dating Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 That exact same thing happened to me! He was the first to take his down so I did the same. Still, I have been screwed over sooooo many times that I am cautious now. I got on one day to see if his profile was on and guess what.....there it was!! I was so mad because we had had the talk as well and were supposedly dating exclusive. Well, he called and could tell I was upset by the tone of my voice and I basically laid it on the line. I told him that he told me he had taken it down and that if he wanted to date others, that's fine but I have the right to know. He said he had been on there "with friend" looking at someone for him...WHATEVER!! LOL! I pretty much told him that if he wanted to find greener grass then go for it and he very quickly told me no, I was the one he wanted and immediately while on the phone with me took the profile down and even read me the confirmation number of the cancellation! I have checked every once in a while since then but I think I made my point I would suggest definitely talking to him! If he wants to be exclusive with you then there is no reason to have the profile up and if he doesn't take it down...I'd say rejoin and move on cause he isn't worth your time! Link to comment
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